I'm depressed. I keep forcing myself to go for walks around my neighborhood, trying to clear my head and burn off some of the feelings I've been eating, but it's not working. Boyfriend and family members keep calling to ask how I'm doing, and I keep mumbling "fine." I am fine. I'm just depressed, too.
I haven't mentioned it yet because I like to convince myself that if I ignore something, it becomes untrue. Our relationship is all about dissecting feelings from a distant, mature angle, rather than getting overly caught up in emotions, so, until now, I've been a grown-up. I haven't walked around crying, and I haven't blogged about it, and I haven't even had a full conversation with her on the subject. I've behaved graciously all summer, but my heart is too heavy tonight for me to continue pretending. In three weeks, my very best friend is moving 2,474 miles away.
I hate being emo like this, but if you've been reading my blog for a while, you know how insanely close I am with Jess. She's been my absolute soulmate since we were four years old. We've never had a fight. She's one of the few people in the world I could never get tired of, even after straight weeks of nonstop togetherness. We are intense. And she's moving to Oregon.
I really don't even know what to say about it. I am genuinely thrilled for her-- she bought a one-way ticket across the country with the intention of starting a new, exciting life all by herself. I'm too nervous and skeptical of a person to try something like that. It's so right that she's doing it. What's more, she's doing it right now. Not giving herself any opportunity to be one of those people who takes local job after local job and never ends up leaving our small midwestern city. That's awesome. I'm excited and happy and anxious and proud for her. But I'm still... I mean. I knew that someday we'd grow up and have to live separate lives, but I didn't prepare for it to be so soon. I don't want her to stay here; she's supposed to go. And I don't want to go with her, because it wouldn't be anywhere near the right thing for me. And I don't want to go back in time and I don't want time to stop. It's just something that's Real and Now and unchangeable and, despite the good circumstances, it's really, really painful.
It hurts to need something you don't want.