Monday, July 22, 2013

Jobs I Could Do

I've been out of college for seven months, obsessively Craigslisting apartments on the West Coast for a year*, and staring at the microscopic number in my measly savings account for the past twenty minutes. Don't get me wrong-- I'm loving every second of freelance writing and videoblogging and making content for Gurl and My Damn Channel. I'm paying the bills (for the most part) and working hard (for the most part) and doing everything I ought to be doing (eh), but if I want to live somewhere perpetually sunny and where the majority of pedestrians don't don bald eagle-emblazoned sweatpants, it may be time to consider a job on the side. Unfortunately, my bachelor's degree is in "Creative Writing" and "Gender Studies" and essentially qualifies me to talk about my feelings and fill out coloring books, so below is a list of side jobs I think I could handle.

Side jobs I think I could handle:

  • High class prostitute who only gets hired by old retirees who physically can't have sex and just want to pay young women $200,000 a year to sit by a pool and drink mimosas
  • Manicurist at one of those expensive salons where rich white ladies want to talk to you about their neighbors' husbands' affairs for so long that they overstay their appointments and tip generously
  • Jillian Michaels impersonator, provided I don't actually have to work out and my job just entails watching exhausted people jog on a treadmill and shouting "You disgust me!" intermittently
  • Cat psychic
  • A cat's sidekick in a movie about a superhero cat and me, her clumsy-but-lovable best friend
  • Alternatively, the screenwriter for the cat superhero movie
  • Personal assistant/shopper for a cat actor (is the one who played Sassy in Homeward Bound available/alive?)**
  • Porn actress-- catering only to food fetishes-- and only if I don't have to show my face-- and only if I don't have to use my real name-- and only if all I have to do is eat 35-cent Oriental ramen on camera
  • Plant watcher (Note: I have proven multiple times my inability to keep plants alive, so only hire me if you are in the market for someone to just literally look at your plants)
  • Snarky livetweeter (will occasionally write "Buy Oreos or something!" in between my speculations as to whether an 83-year-old Christopher Plummer would go out with me-- for a fee of $5,000/tweet plus Oreos)
  • Celebrity baby namer (I predicted "North West" months in advance and if that's not a marketable skill then I can't fathom what is)
  • Starbucks

So if you can offer me any of those positions along with fantastic health benefits, occasional doughnuts, and leniency if I sometimes stop working to record myself talking about Honey Boo Boo, I'm all yours. Until then, I'll be here... refreshing Craiglist and using my diploma as an 80,000-dollar tea coaster.

P.S. I put up a new video a few days ago!

*Are you aware that you can get away with calling an apartment a "two-bedroom" if there's a large enough closet in the bathroom for someone to feasibly sleep in it if they were strapped, standing, to a hotel cot?
**No word on Sassy's breathing status, but she does have a very descriptive wiki page