Monday, December 19, 2011

Updates and News

Hello, old friends! I have so much to tell you. Sit.

First, I need to let out a gigantic WOW in regards to Less Than Three, the book I’m editing with Kristina Horner. Most of you are probably aware that we’re holding a short story contest about love, friendship, and Internet culture (if you’re not aware, check out our website and awarez-vous!), but here’s something you may not have known: you guys are talented. I’ve spent this week going through the first batch of submissions, and I’ve already had my fair share of lols and omgs. Mine and K-Horn's summertime dreams of creating a job for ourselves that would both benefit our awesome readers and make us freak out with joy-- it's happening! I feel like a proud aunt. The project now has a twitter you can follow if you're interested.

The second news item for today comes to you in the form of a new youtube channel for which I'm a contributor! Answerly is part of My Damn Channel and it features myself, Kristina, and Joseph Birdsong each giving weekly advice on a different topic. My videos focus on college-- tips for saving money, dealing with classes, dealing with people-- and they go up every Monday. There's a new one today in which I divulge all the presents I'm giving for Christmas... so don't watch it if you're, like, my dad. Yay!

Third, and most ridiculously, I'm starting a sort of underground video series on my second channel in which I plan to wear pajamas and complain loudly and inarticulately about old episodes of Glee. This comes as both an answer to the success of my second twitter account that I devote mostly to liveblogging the show, and as an excuse to stare with gaping mouth at Dianna Agron and Naya Rivera while still feeling somewhat accomplished. Because I just wasn't wasting enough of my time before.

Finally, I was lucky enough to be a part of the fifth annual Project for Awesome! I spent all of Saturday typing my way into carpal tunnel in the name of charity, and held down the fort by hosting a portion of the 24-hour livestream event. I may or may not have repeatedly licked a plastic lawn flamingo when we reached our goal of $40,000 in donations. Maybe. It's rumored.

Phew. There's my big news dump for the day. Thank you to everyone who got involved with P4A, has submitted or plans to submit a story to Less Than Three, follows my brainvomit on youtube, or just has my back enough to keep reading through my more boring blog posts. I love you guys and I hope you have a lovely day!

Friday, December 2, 2011

Internet Stage Fright? A Sleepy Ramble, etc.

A really adorable thing computers sometimes do is stop working properly. This comes in particular handy when one works online and needs to be able to edit videos and answer emails and send large files at a moment's notice. (I'm dealing with this problem mostly by taking long, angst-ridden baths and playing four-hour games of M/F/K on my friend's couch.) Anyway, below is a blog post I wrote up two days ago in the middle of a restless night, and while it's even moodier and pointlesser in the light of day, I thought I'd share it with you anyway. Feel no obligation to agree with any part of it or attempt to rationalize with my half-asleep self; this is purely for entertainment.

* * *

There're a number of reasons why I probably shouldn't be blogging right now. For one, it's nearly 2AM and I'm on babysitting duty for my sister's newborn early tomorrow morning, and since my last hangout with my nephew resulted in infant urine on my leg, I should aim to have slept before the baby handover. For two, my laptop is currently moving at the pace of... something agonizingly slow (shut up; the simile-maker in my brain is on snooze mode; it's 2AM!), and since it's too cold and dark and Ohioish for me to go running in the evenings, any minor annoyance like a slow computer can make me furious and restless. And finally, I shouldn't be blogging right now because everything I have to say tonight is immature and whiny. But when has that stopped me before, huh? Actually, that's... sort of what I wanted to talk about.

I receive a lot of emails and comments and tweets lately from people who say they wish I'd blog more often. (I also receive a lot from people [middle-aged men in basements] who want me to do fetish porn, but they aren't as polite about it.) These messages create a little battle in my head, because on the one hand, it's AMAZING that a group of people care enough about me that they want to hear what I have to say or pretend to laugh at my punctuation jokes, but on the other hand, it's like... what if I can't blog?

I mean... okay, here's the deal. I started posting videos and stories about my life online-- to an audience, at least-- in 2005. In 2005, I was fifteen years old. I didn't have a driver's license. My dad didn't have an email address. I'd had one semi-real boyfriend who was probably gay, I'd never tasted wine or filled out a college application or gone out of the state without my parents, I still had some remnants of funky overgrown bangs, and my internet existence was virtually anonymous. Yes, it had my full name on it (very successful, middle school assembly about protecting personal information online!), but no one who knew me in the real world had any reason to know about my double life. As a teenager, I had the incredible experience of being able to write freely and extensively about my feelings, whether they were sweet or cruel or mature or silly, and receive feedback from total strangers. It was awesome, and I wouldn't trade that time for anything, but it left me spoiled. Because now I am not fifteen and now I am not anonymous.

I've met so many of you through events and concerts and conferences, I've saved stacks of letters with your handwritten names at the bottom, I've read your blogs or watched your video responses or gotten to know parts of you through your daily comments. It's mindblowing to hear that I've positively influenced someone by talking about overcoming depression or losing weight or sticking up for something, and all these little mindblows build up until... I feel guilty for publishing posts about sitting around eating cookie dough, feeling moody for no reason, changing my opinions and views so drastically that they aren't at all in line with what originally endeared me to someone. I feel responsibility to be the voice a fifteen-year-old might need to hear when all I really feel like being is a sloppy hippy college student. I can't be freely imperfect when my words represent some idea beyond myself, but I can't be some noncontroversial figure of perfection, either, because I'm just a little bit too sucky.

There are times when I feel blogger's adrenaline building up like dandruff flakes in my brain, and I want so badly to purge the story of my weekend or bad date or big mistake into cyberspace, complete with dumb analogies and links to only-sort-of-relevant sites. I've even started drafts of posts, started in on what I've had to say, and then backspaced backspaced backspaced, seeing the faces and names of different people who would be disappointed/triggered/upset by my words, all of them boggled around in my head. I can't tell you how I tried this thing or kissed this person or made an ass out of myself in this way, because I serve as so many different symbols to so many different people.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... it's hard to be loved and respected and wanted? God, I'm sorry. I don't mean to come off as a whiny brat. I'm extraordinarily grateful for the connections I've formed with people-- whether full-blown friendships or just tiny meaningful moments-- because of this odd, unconventional lifestyle. I would never undo whatever it is I did to become someone's idea of a good or healthy or awesome person, because it feels amazing to make some kind of positive impact. But with impact comes pressure, and raaaaaaawr, I'm like a shaken Coke can, you guys; I swear to god.

My three options are to either stop writing personal posts and just use this blog for businessy stuff (yuck, gross, please don't even dignify that option with consideration), to say whatever I want regardless of whether everybody who ever liked me before changes their minds, or just... stop altogether? I would sort of rather vomit all over myself than put an end to using my blog as a public diary, but I also can't pretend to talk about my life while leaving every single interesting detail out just because young women and my extended family and my parents' friends have access to it.

* * *

And that's when Firefox shut down and I yelled agitatedly and went to sleep. I suppose I still agree with my sentiments from the other night, and I'd be interested to hear your opinions on the situation, but again, it seems much less important while the sun is up.

P.S. I'm posting a video this week to announce the book project to the greater public, and I'm both excited and nervous. I think I'll be able to clear up some of the concerns expressed in blog comments the other week (although most of those problems have already been solved via email) and even though I take criticism worse than just about anybody, I'm grateful that we got to test the idea out on you guys, the most loyal and sweet and awesome group on the internet, before opening it up to the masses. I am incredibly appreciative of the support and enthusiasm some of you have shown, and I hope excitement will eclipse my anxiety about the project once more people get involved!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


It's today, guys. Today is the day. The big announcement I've been alluding to for months is finally here, finally ready, finally open to the public. I feel giddy and nervous like it's the first day of third grade and I'm wearing a new jumper and matching headband. Here goes.

We're writing a book. As in you and me. We're writing a book together. Starting today, Kristina Horner and I are accepting submissions of internet-centered short stories, the best of which the two of us will edit and compile into a real, tangible book that we're calling Less Than Three: Stories about Love, Like, and the Internet. The book is slated to be published in the summer of 2012, and we want you in on it.

All the information (and the submissions page!) is available on our fancy, sparkling website. We'll be advertising the project to our youtube channels and twitter feeds over the course of the next week, but it was important to both of us that we give our devoted blog readers a bit of a head-start advantage. So many of you are writers-- awesome ones, too!-- and you've always shown us so much more loyalty and support than we've done anything to deserve, so naturally, you were the ones we had in mind when we conceived this idea. I hope a bunch of you are interested, because I am seriously flailing with excitement at the prospect of reading your work. And flail-typing is hard.

You have until the end of January to submit, which will hopefully avoid conflicts with NaNoWriMo and final exams. Until then, I'll be anxiously awaiting your submissions and singing the words "WE'RE WRITING A FREAKING BOOK!" over and over again to the tunes of various pop songs. It's on, guys. Let's go.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

So guess what happened?

Yes, I know, okay. There were several reasons behind my absence, none of them were legitimate enough to excuse it; I'm sorry. Burn me in effigy or call me a mean name in the comments or anything it takes to get it out of your system. Alright. Are we good? Can we proceed?

Truth be told, I've been avoiding you guys for a week or two, mostly out of embarrassment and general apathy. Well. That makes it sound more dramatic than it is-- I'm not apathetic. Right now, I'm quite purposefully shoving Wheat Thins into the wide-open, chapped-to-shit cavern that was once my mouth. I care about these Wheat Thins. They care about me. We're in an exclusive romantic relationship.

I... yeah. I got dumped.

I wasn't planning on making some giant public announcement about it, but it seems silly to hide things from you guys. This dumb blog has seen me at my worst and at my best, and to deny the existence of the former would just make the latter seem fake. So yes! I got dumped! I got dumped, I got dumped, I got dumped! I alternate between feeling 100% normal and then like I've just been shot in the stomach. Right now it's the second one... hence my efforts to fill the wound hole with high fructose corn syrup. It isn't the end of the world, but it is the end of a very big part of my life, you know? I haaaate being the victim but I can't pretend I'm not sad.

ON THE MUCH BRIGHTER SIDE, I have plenty of other things to occupy my mind. This week, I'll be finally making an official announcement about a project I've been alluding to for some time. I think most of you will find it really exciting, especially since it may (spoiler!) involve you. I hope you'll accept this token of my affection in exchange for a few more instances of blogbitching about my love life. Deal?

Chipotle burritos this year: A lot.*
Subscribers: 55,581

*There's a burrito place on campus that I can run to in between classes and while I'm ashamed to admit it, I've lost count of my designer burritos.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


So sleepy. I spent the day playing with Heather and the evening in a hot tub with other girl friends; somewhere between the jets massaging my shoulders and the cream-filled doughnut I devoured, I became so relaxed that the ride home felt like a cradle and I have no idea what this sentence is doing. My room smells like summer and the ceiling fan is blowing my hair in a very comforting rhythm. I had planned something interesting to blog about tonight, but any bit of coherency melted away an hour ago... I love you guys, but I don't want to talk to you right now.

I hope you all sleep well tonight and have fantastic dreams about cupcakes or something equally satisfying. Murrr. Goodnight. <3

P.S. Stefan! The EGOT necklace! Thank you!!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011


Today is awesome because...

I don't get many chances to check my post office box, but its contents never fail to make my mouth gape open like a catfish. Someone-- I'M LOOKING AT YOU GUYS-- made me the proud owner of this little gem. For those out of the loop, it's a reference to 30 Rock, my favorite TV writing alive right now, and stands for Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony. The life goal of Tracy Morgan's eccentric character now lives around my neck. I am giddy, I am gleeful, I am grateful. It came straight from the artist, though, so I don't know who sent it to me. If you're reading this, show yourself!

I spent my morning amusing myself with your Pottermore surveys. Some of you had seriously charming responses to how your usernames represent you. (Especially yours, EJ!) Also, a surprising number of us are either cats or dogs at heart, and you know what? It makes sense. We're the types of people who spend a lot of time reading and sitting on our computers. We're domesticated. I feel that. Anyway, it makes me smile to know that I'm not alone in obsessing over this website before it even begins. Look at you people, validating my weird ass refusal to mature beyond paying $30 for a piece of wood....

On that note, we've just narrowly escaped Yaxley in my reread of Deathly Hallows, so I'm off for the night. Once again, thank you for being quirky and interesting in my comments, thank you for sending me amazing shit in the mail, and thank you for just hanging out with me every day this month. I love you guys. See you tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 16
Subscribers: 53,696

Monday, August 8, 2011


I've been on a Potter high since LeakyCon. Rereading Deathly Hallows, refreshing my email inbox once an hour in hopes of a Pottermore announcement, finding myself in lengthy debates to revival those preserved in 2006 forums. It's not that I'd gotten over Harry Potter-- far from it-- but even after spending months with my attentions elsewhere, Harry always seems to wiggle his way back to the forefront of my brain I'm facing some kind of uncertainty in life. I'm about to move into my first apartment, about to be 21, about to be facing the final years of my education, about to make a big career move. Nothing's really constant right now... except Hogwarts. No matter where or who I am, I'm always just a cover away from the Gryffindor common room, and this gives me more peace than I can really explain.

So in celebration of a new phase in the HP fandom, I shall now complete a Pottermore-related survey I found on tumblr. You can fill it out too, if you want (I'd legitimately be interested in reading your answers to some of them) and post it either as a comment or on your own blog/tumblr, so long as you give me a link. Ready?

  1. What's your Pottermore username? AccioWizard151.
  2. What House do you think it sounds like? Probably Hufflepuff, right? Because they're relational? And they'd want to... summon... friends?
  3. What House do you want to be in? Gryffindor. I've been confident in my allegiance to the scarlet and gold for a long time now and, frankly, I'll probably have some kind of identity crisis if the website tries to tell me otherwise.
  4. Does your username relate to you at all? No, not really. I was with a bunch of my very excited fandom friends when I registered and one of them told me it was the coolest of my options.
  5. What kind of wand would you wish to get? Something shorter than a foot so I wouldn't put anyone's eye out. Hopefully one that swishes when you whip it around.
  6. Are you pure, half-blooded or Muggle born? I'm pretty sure I'm a pureblood.
  7. Which day did you get into Pottermore? Day 1!
  8. What shape is your Patronus? A burrito.
  9. What does your boggart look like? Like Mrs. Weasley's-- the death of someone close to me.
  10. Would you rather be an Animagus or a Matamorphmagus? Tough one, but I'd probably go the Tonks route.
  11. If you were an Animagus, what animal would you be? I've thought a lot about this. I think I share some characteristics with cats, but my whole family hates them, so that might pose a problem. I don't know. What do you think?
Alright, all this talk of Rowling is making me anxious to cuddle up and read. I hope you all have a lovely day. I'll see you tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 16
Subscribers: 53,643

Sunday, August 7, 2011


I feel really disjointed tonight. Nothing's wrong and I don't have a thing in the world to worry about, but I just feel like every time I try to work on one of my many projects today, a cartoon thought bubble forms over my head and all it says is "bnSKJDBKJSNF LKN lamslkdjasnd." Sort of like VidCon, when I lost my voice? I'm pushing, but nothing comes out. I don't know what's up.

Prior to opening this page and beginning today's blog post, I was editing a video. And by "editing a video," I mean to say that I was starring blankly at a giant line of video clips, flexing my toes, swinging my wand from the Harry Potter theme park, yelling "Expecto YouTubenum!" and feeling disappointed by the lack of results. It's been a while since I uploaded anything decent, and I even promised to post footage of my summer travels, but I'm having a hard time finding that... creative spark. Every video project I've started in the last two months has ended with a frustrated sigh. I mean, I feel totally silly for complaining in the slightest-- waah, it's sooo hard to play around in costumes in my free time and receive recognition and compliments for it-- but it really is hard to fake creativity. When you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. Do any of you have advice for getting over a project slump? *Frustrated sigh.*

I'm gonna end this early tonight in an effort to buckle down and accomplish something. Hopefully, I'll break through the barrier and wake up tomorrow to filled pages and exported files. Hopefully, I won't fall asleep face-down on my keyboard with a wand imprinting into my cheek. Hopefully. Goodnight, guys!

Chipotle burritos this year: 16
Subscribers: 53,589
Miles run today: 1ish? Maybe more like half of one.

P.S. I missed the chance to update yesterday because Heather, my good friend/roommate from last school year, turned up in town without much warning, so I naturally had to devote my entire evening to giggling and clapping. We gushed about our summers (fun!), rode around on a tandem bike (like senior citizens!), and saw Friends With Benefits (...meh). I wish I had a better story for you, but frankly, it sometimes feels really good to have storyless nights. My friends are good, I feel good with them, all is good. Good.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Best Friend!

Tonight's source of overflowing happiness is brought to you all the way from Portland, Oregon, and it comes in the form of Jess. Those of you who've followed this blog from the beginning are well acquainted with my best friend-- you watched as we spent every waking moment together in high school, you've heard stories of us as kindergartners, middle schoolers, graduates, and you witnessed my melancholy when she made the smart decision to get on a plane and start her adult life on the west coast. Since she left (the day before my 20th birthday), we'd seen each other just twice... well, surprise! This afternoon, I received a call from her home phone number. My Jess is home!

We spent a few hours walking around, catching up, soaking each other up. She has to leave again tomorrow morning for family vacation, but I can't even express how valuable today was. Some people have the magical ability to leave a trail of joy behind them everywhere they go. My best friend puts them to shame.

I'm going to bed on a good note tonight, blog. I hope you all have a lovely day!

Chipotle burritos this year: 16
Subscribers: 53,468

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Drinking Water

I'm apparently still recovering from my spontaneous month-long trip, as evidenced by my body's determination to sleep until 2 o'clock this afternoon. I have literally never done that before in my life. Thirteen hours, body? You needed thirteen hours? You have the audacity to continue growing spiky leg hair when I let you sleep for thirteen hours?

I've been trying to get myself back on track today by going for a long walk, drinking my weight in water, and reminding myself how to drive a car. Still, the weeks of constant sitting and junk consumption have caused my leg muscles to feel like mush... and I think I've forgotten what vegetables taste like. Life on the road is exciting as hell but it isn't exactly conducive to a healthy lifestyle.

That's where you guys come into play. Along with blogging every day, finishing my novel, and working on my big Mystery Project, I'm going to devote August to getting back in fighting shape before school starts... and I need you to keep me in check. There's nothing more motivational than hearing about a friend's success, so here's the task: if, at any time during August, you do something good for your body (working out, skipping doughnuts, working to curb bad habits, etc.), leave a comment on this blog to let me know. Together, we might be able to help each other out, you know? I'll start. Today, I drank eight glasses of water. You?

And on that note, I haven't slept in about twenty minutes, so I'm off to bed. I hope you have a lovely day. See you tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 15
Subscribers: 53,406
Nail color: I forgot how boring this is when I update it every day.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Tour/VidCon Wrap-Up

The Situation and I flew from California to Ohio late last night, ending my three-week trip with The ConTour. He's since begun the drive home, which officially rewinds our relationship to "long-distance" status and leaves me alone in jetlagged shambles, not totally sure what day of the week it is. I think it's Wednesday, right? I'd check the upper right corner of my laptop, but I already confused myself that way earlier when I realized I'd forgotten to change the time zone setting. Whatever. I'm here, my bed is comfortable, and I'm willing to exchange knowing when it is for knowing where I am. It's good to be home.

So where did we leave off on the long-winded logs of my travels? Texas, I think. Yeah, we had a series of fun, pleasant and relatively uneventful shows in Dallas, Oklahoma City and Boulder, Colorado. After the first of these, we were lucky enough to meet up with the corresponding summer tours of some of our other friends-- we shared a common hotel with Lauren Fairweather and Matt Maggiacomo as well as Wheezywaiter's band, Driftless Pony Club. I was starting to feel a little coldish/fluish at this point so I didn't get to socialize as much as I'd have liked to, but I always savor the occasions when I get to see long-distance friends more than one time a week. It's almost like being a normal human. (Or how I imagine normal humandom would feel.) Later on in that same week, Alex Carpenter took me to the WORLD'S FIRST CHIPOTLE in Denver, where I had a delicious burrito bol next door to a medical marijuana dispensary. Consider my bucket list shorter.

But hey, if you think not-smoking-weed-in-Colorado is a cultural experience, wait until I tell you about not-gambling-in-Vegas! I'd never been to "Sin City" before, but it certainly was an experience. We used Hotwire to book our hotel from the road and therefore picked where we were staying based on price and rating rather than its name... and that, dear friends, is the story of how I slept at the Las Vegas Hooters. I still can't even type that without laughing out loud! Since I'm not old enough to gamble (an excuse I'm glad I could use because, frankly, gambling seems about as appealing to me as catching fire to a credit card), I spent most of my free time walking around the strip and hanging out in the hotel's pool. At one point, I found myself and some friends in a Hooter's hot tub in the middle of the night, alone but for one heavily-pierced twenty-something, and took it upon myself to educated the stranger on the Harry Potter fandom. After the basic name-exchanging and "Where are you from?"-ing, I declared, "We're in a cult. We're all from different places because we're in a cult." I mean, if you really think about it, is that even a lie?

We moved on from Hooters and drove straight to LA for VidCon. On the drive, I started to notice that my voice was sounding a little hoarse from all the singing, screaming and late nights of tour, but I'd never lost my voice before and so it never occurred to me to worry. I had one fun conversation with a favorite internet friend whom I'd never met IRL before, went to bed optimistic... and woke up entirely mute. And I mean totally incapable of producing any vocal sound whatsoever. I drank gallons of hot tea, I became a jittery cough drop junkie, skipped the first night's big concert in favor of a bath, and still nothing worked. The fates conspired against me and decided that I should lose my ability to talk for the two days out of the year when I most require a voice. LAME. My VidCon experience was made up mostly of mouthing "I've lost my voice-- I'm sorry!" to everyone I encountered, standing inches away from interesting people I admire but having to sigh and walk away, and sitting quietly in corners. Had I not just come off two of the most exciting weeks of my life, I would have been seriously disappointed. But as it was, VidCon was definitely not a highlight of my summer, but I was still too generally enthusiastic to be bummed.

I felt so sick and agitated with my throat that I snuck out quietly on Saturday night without saying goodbye to anyone and, OF COURSE, I regained my voice slowly over the course of Sunday afternoon. The timing would have been hilarious if it didn't suck so bad. Luckily, though, I had a few more days at my friends' house in LA to recuperate and relax. Kristina and I spent several hours conspiring about a project we're going to be conducting this year, so I left Echo Base in a mood good enough to undo the crappiness of my VidCon situation.

AND NOW HERE WE ARE. My flight went smoothly and I'm back home, totally disoriented but totally satisfied with my July. Let me know in the comments if you're one of the people I met at any of the tour stops (or one of the people I waved to/whispered at in the Hyatt!). I can't tell you how cool it is to put real-life faces to usernames I see on a daily basis. You guys are tops. Anyway, I'm sure I'm making less and less sense as this post goes along, so I'll leave it here. I hope you all have a lovely day. See you tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 15
Subscribers: 53,314
Nail color: Still that silver Sephora OPI

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


Just a super crappy second channel video to get me through my BEDA requirement on a day of cross-country traveling. I hope you all had a lovely day!

Let's BEDA This Bitch

I will have you know that I am NOT late for my first post of Blog Every Day in August, as I am in Los Angeles, where 1) I'm in a different time zone, 2) I'm on a couch with Kristina Horner, and 3) oranges grow on trees. All of these things make me exempt from any contempt. I included that sentence mostly for the rhyme.

If you'll remember, I've just finished my three-week adventure with The Contour. I have SO MUCH to tell you guys. Between registering for Pottermore (true!), losing my voice at VidCon (sadly true), and convincing a guy in a Hooters hot tub that I'm in a cult (hilariously true), I have approximately 10,000 blog-worthy stories. My plan is to sprinkle them sparingly throughout the month to avoid those inevitable four-sentence BEDA blogs that both begin and end with apologies. I'm pumped. Are you pumped? I hope you're pumped.

Anyway, I have a very legitimate excuse for ending this quickly, and that excuse is called I'm Watching Jason Munday, Ingrid from Missglamorazzi, Luke Conard, The Situation, Alex Carpenter and Kristina Horner Play Video Games. We'll catch up tomorrow, lovelies. Keep kicking ass.

Chipotle burritos this year: 15
Subscribers: 53,129
Nail color: some silver Sephora OPI whose name escapes me

Friday, July 22, 2011

Where I've Been

Shhh. We can talk, Blog, but we have to be quiet. It's 8am and I'm the only one awake. I sort of feel like we're at a slumber party, hanging out under a sleeping bag, passing each other stale Cheetos as silently as we can. (...Is that not what you do at slumber parties?)

I'm in a hotel room in Austin, TX, by the way. Long story made short: I hadn't planned on attending LeakyCon because I didn't think I could afford it, but my mother helped me out a bit as an advanced birthday present and I got on the damn plane. I had an amazing time (more on that later) and even made plans to travel two extra days to New Orleans with The Situation and his summer music tour, the ConTour. With my bag packed and flight information ready, it wasn't until the night before I was scheduled to fly home that the whole tour staged an intervention. "So Hayley," said Alex, as in Alex Carpenter, as in The Remus Lupins, "You're staying for the rest of the tour." Considering my bank account, the opinions of my parents, and the amount of clothing I'd packed, I prepared my counterargument. I strongly stated, "There is no way I'm doing that."

...I'm doing that. To a chorus of jeers and cheers and other debauchery, I cancelled my flight. I will now be a roadie for the next week and a half, all the way to VidCon. What is my life?! Below are the highlights from each event up until this point.

LeakyCon Day 1:
After waiting in the airport for a few hours, I met up with my friends Kristina and Eia from The Parselmouths and we got a temporary hotel room with some other Leaky-goers before heading to the conference. After meeting up with my friend Marlena, I got to attend a panel of YA authors reading selections from things they wrote as teenagers. Hilarious. David Levithan read a chapter from a novel he was working on before he came out as gay, in which the male protagonist describes his girl crush as being a skilled pianist and being able to "sing like Streisand." My cheekbones started to hurt from laughing-- I can barely type that line without cracking up, still. Anyway, the rest of Wednesday was filled with reunions and hugging and swimming and room parties until I finally passed out in the early morning. I remember thinking at one point, "If I ever need to cast a Patronus, these memories should do the trick."

LeakyCon Day 2:
We got up early enough to see the first ever screening of Finding Hogwarts, a documentary about the Harry Potter fandom. Despite technical difficulties, it was really beautiful. I don't have the faintest idea what I did for the rest of the afternoon, but that hardly matters because I GOT TO SEE THE LAST HARRY POTTER MOVIE IN AN ADVANCED SCREENING WITH MOST OF MY FRIENDS. As John Green's +1, I was lucky enough to grab a ticket to the theater designated for Leaky staff and special guests, so I watched the final movie in the same room as Team Starkid, the child actors from the Epilogue and The Prince's Tale, and I believe Evanna Lynch, who plays Luna. (I say "I believe" because I didn't actually lay eyes on her in the theater; I made a point not to stare at her, for her sake. We met later on in the week, but that story's just for me. :)) I honestly could not have asked for a more perfect final movie experience. The entire crowd screamed and clapped every time something awesome happened, and I even found myself tearing up as the credits rolled.

As impossible as it sounds, the most fun of the night came in the form of the wizard rock concert. I danced and screamed all throughout sets by my friends Justin Finch-Fletchley, Lauren Fairweather and Ministry of Magic and attempted (though failed) to contain my emotion over the last ever Remus Lupins show. The whole crowd (about 3,000 people) went ALL OUT for this one. I think "Looking for Trouble," Alex's big hit, lasted for around fifteen minutes. Amazing. Hands down, the most fun I've ever had at a concert.

LeakyCon Day 3:
After seeing my good friend Leah kill as Tonks in The Final Battle, a musical written and composed by another friend, Lena Gabrielle, Friday afternoon was spent primarily in the pool with friends, chilling out in preparation for the second huge wizard rock show. The Parselmouths, Gred and Forge, Tonks and the Aurors, Draco and the Malfoys and Harry and the Potters were all awesome, as per usual, but I had the majority of my fun during The Whomping Willows set. Matt's a good friend of mine and that man knows how to make me dance. It was really beautiful how, long after the show was over, tons of people in the crowd kept singing the chorus to a new Willows song. It was like an acapella choir of drunken nerd angels. "We're wizards. We'll party forever. This night will never end."

LeakyCon Day 4:
I went to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park with The Situation and our friend/his drummer, Andy. We had lunch in the Hog's Head-- leek and potato soup! Yum!-- and I bought Ginny Weasley's wand. I happened to meet my crush, Neil Cicierega, who made the Potter Puppet Pals, as we walked in opposite directions around the park. Which was cool. The best part, though, was the incredible ride that simulated flying on a broomstick through different scenery from the Potter universe. I beamed the entire time and couldn't even find words to express how awesome I felt once it was over. I played Quidditch, guys! For real!

But of course, we got back in time for the Esther Earl Rocking Charity Ball-- the sprinkles on top of the best week of my life. I wore a pretty dress and heels and I didn't stop dancing for a single second the entire night. My feet felt like HELL the next day, but I wouldn't change a thing. Well, I might change the fact that the DJs played "Total Eclipse of the Heart" three full times, but.

Disney World
I packed up my stuff and said depressing goodbyes to the whole gang before heading out with The ConTour & co. for my first ever trip to Disney World. I rode the Tower of Terror in Hollywood Studios with The Situation and our friend Sammy, had lunch in Epcot's Japan, got stuck on a broken-down boat ride in "Norway," almost died of excitement on Space Mountain, and had a whole slew of other adventures. The best part of it all? Someone who follows us on twitter was able to get us tickets into the parks FOR FREE. I'm not kidding! What?!

New Orleans
The next day, the tour played a show in Tampa, FL, where I danced around to my favorite Skyway Flyer songs with a lightsaber, before driving all the way to Louisiana. The show that night was teeny tiny, but it was still a good time. We got a super cheap discount on a really gorgeous hotel right in the middle of the action of New Orleans and spent the whole night pursuing the chaotic streets. We even had a balcony outside our rooms! It was awesome. I ate some delicious vegetarian red beans and rice and was sad to see NOLA go.

Austin, TX
And that brings us here. I'm currently coming to you live from Austin, home of the second-best burrito I've ever had and the number-one worst tour experience of all time. Actually, let me rephrase that: worst tour venue experience of all time. The crowd was cool enough to make up for all the crap, but BOY was there crap. First, we found out in the morning that the venue had forgotten to put our tour on their calendar, so they'd scheduled three other bands to perform in the same time slot. Next, these other bands turned out to be really crazy groups of intimidating, screaming men dressed in white jumpsuits and minotaur masks, one of whom walked right up to me and a group of girls wearing DFTBA shirts and Gryffindor ties and sing-screamed in our faces in his sweat-soaked t-shirt. Terrifying. Third, it was approximately a billion katrillion thousand degrees inside. Fourth, the guys who owned the shop were jerks who spent the entire time being completely unhelpful, rude and mocking toward us. FIFTH, and this one's the real kicker-- the power went out. Totally out. One could say that they unplugged us, shut us down, and refused to love us with their steel hearts. It would have been hell, but the ConTour guys pulled through. We finished the show with acoustic guitars in the dark parking lot because, even in the darkest of times, Voldemort can't stop the rock. Sigh.

But you know what, guys? Today is a new day. Once everyone else wakes up, we're heading out to Dallas, where we'll hopefully have a show good enough to undo all of yesterday's notsome. Until then, I'll be hanging out in a car with my fellow merch girl, Sarah Snitch, working on my godforsaken novel, and checking in whenever I get free internet. Check out the tour dates and let me know if I'll be meeting you on my trip! Until then, I hope you have a lovely day. I'll talk to you soon.

Chipotle burritos this year: 13
Subscribers: 52,669
Nail color: Gross. Pinkish. I don't know.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Two Months Later

It's been two months and I realize this. I also realize that everything I say in this paragraph will be skimmed over, your eyes mid-roll, because this is far from my first apology and will certainly not be my last. Still, I feel obligated to say IT'SNOTYOUIT'SME and to extend my arms. If you want to accept my hug, it's all yours. If you want to pelt me with small objects instead, that's cool too. I get it, I'm sorry, I love you, baby, let's never fight again.

So where did we leave off? I moved out of school in mid-June and was immediately congratulated for a term well-done... with oral surgery. No matter how much I protested, my wisdom teeth were begging to gtfo. It wasn't a horrendous experience pain-wise, but my tiny mouth decided to punish me* by swelling out like a basketball and preventing my jaw from opening fully. I spent a week and a half on an undesired juice fast, unable to part my teeth more than a centimeter. Sigh. #whitegirlproblems

But just as every gay-friendly celebrity will tell you, it gets better. My cheeks shrunk back to their normal size, my fatassery picked back up where it left off, and I've had some very fun post-recovery days. The Situation came over for the week leading up to his current tour, and we went for walks, made completely inane internet projects solely for our own amusement, and visited the Cleveland zoo. I even got to drag him to my extended family's annual Fourth of July party where the main topics of conversation ranged from how friggin' pregnant my sister and brother-in-law are getting**, to how much abuse my brother takes from the little cousins, to cupcakes. Party in the USA.

I also spent the 4th and its surrounding weekend with The Situation's tourmates (friends of mine, as well), Alex Carpenter, Jason Munday, Christian Caldeira and his girlfriend, Kelly. I put aside my strong aversion to pokey objects in the vicinity of my eyes just long enough to play with sparklers, and to the great amusement of my boyfriend, managed to paint the fingernails of a sleeping Jason. Oh, youth.

I'd like to lie and tell you that more has happened since we last spoke, but unless you want to hear long, detailed descriptions of... watching Nancy Grace cover the Casey Anthony trial... with my mother... every single night... I've got nothing. So far, the summer has been devoted entirely to nursing my sore mouth, screaming things like "HOW CAN THEY IGNORE THE TRACES OF CHLOROFORM?!" at Anderson Cooper's dreamy eyes, and working on this godforsaken novel of mine. The current goal is to have a solid, decent draft by the time my sister passes a human child through her legs. I'm racing a baby. A Book Before the Birth. I was going to come up with another quirky way of phrasing that, but besides realizing that "librarian" rhymes with "cesarean," I'm fresh out of ideas. Shut up. It's late.

Anyway, I leave tomorrow evening for LeakyCon, where I'll hopefully meet a whole slew of you. If we do cross paths, be prepared to high-five a stranger, because you really don't have a choice in the matter. If we don't get to chill in person this week, however, try not to be too bummed-- I've had to stay home while all my friends attended Potter conferences in the past, and it majorly sucks, but you're still freaking top-notch in my book. Here, have a high-five in typographic form: ^5.*** You guys all kick ass. And now I sleep. Goodnight!

Chipotle burritos this year: um... 13?
Subscribers: 52,245
Nail color: a pale pink OPI
Miles run today: 1

*As if I'm not already punished enough as it is-- damn you, Angelina Jolie, for making full lips a beauty requirement.
**He's showing less than she is, though.
***Sorry, Karen Kavett-- I can't say I'm positive what the word "typographic" actually means.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Shake Dat Ass

I am positively drenched in sweat. So much so that sitting on the edge of my bed right now feels like a health code violation. I want desperately to be in the shower, singing Moaning Myrtles songs and scrubbing remnants of my three-mile run off with a loofah, so excuse the rushed tone of this post. I just wanted to get something off my chest.*

Remember last month, when I recounted a tale from my day in which a group of idiot guys harassed me on the street corner? A similar thing happened tonight, but where I'd been slightly off-put the other week, I am flat-out angry this time around.

I was walking to the gym, and while I used a crosswalk in front of an idling car, the three moronic college guys inside took it upon themselves to make me feel as awkward as possible in the span of about thirty seconds. One yelled, "Hey girl, what's up?" while another advised me to "shake dat ass." Harmless enough. Almost flattering, even. But then the remaining boy shouted... something else... which I've just typed and then erased. It wasn't the most vile thing I've ever heard, but I don't really feel comfortable repeating it verbatim. Basically, it was a graphic sexual remark that went a little beyond silly catcalling, to the point that I was embarrassed. I felt that odd nervous sinking feeling in my chest, muttered "Classy" under my breath, and looked around to see if anyone else on the sidewalk had been listening. One guy made eye contact with me but then immediately began speaking Spanish to his friend, so I don't think strangers really witnessed my uncomfortable encounter. Still, I had those inevitable split-second thoughts: Is everyone staring at my body now? Should I not be walking even this short semi-public distance alone after dark? There were three of them and I weigh 125 pounds; if they wanted to cause harm to me, they could.

There were plenty of people within earshot (including an entire beach volleyball game), and the car drove away before I could even see their faces, so there wasn't any realistic physical threat being made to me. But nevertheless, I had to feel uncomfortable for that moment, and I didn't do a single thing to deserve it!

You might wonder why I'm even bothering to tell this story, since I posted a similar one recently, and these sorts of things happen to most women at one time or another. Well, that's precisely why I feel compelled to say something. If we keep treating incidents like this as if they're all the same, all just a part of life, you know, "boys will be boys," we're indirectly allowing these moments to keep happening. I'm not just going to brush it off and continue with my day when those boys caused me a kind of nervousness that I will never be able to cause them. It's unfair, it's bullshit, and it's not okay. Who's with me?!

*Deep breath.* And now I shower.

Chipotle burritos this year: 8
Subscribers: 49,691
Nail color: "Through the Grapevine," Wet n Wild
Miles run today: 3

*Lol. I said "Get something off my chest" in the figurative sense, right after expressing the desire to literally get sweat off my chest. ...Lol.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

10 Things I Love About My Mom

In the spirit of Mother's Day, ten things I love about my mom:
  1. She taught me to strive for natural and inner beauty by placing more importance on my brain, heart and relationships than on my hair, makeup and clothes.
  2. She's an incredibly giving, supportive and unselfish wife, providing me with a positive example of a healthy, working marriage.
  3. On numerous occasions, she's driven several hours out of state to support my erratic lifestyle. Picking me up from Niagara Falls so I wouldn't miss the Deathly Hallows release, taking me to Michigan to meet a favorite author, driving me halfway to the long-distance boyfriend's house... my mom goes way beyond the call of duty. Especially for such a horrible driver.
  4. Her lasagna is amazing.
  5. She's selflessly devoted the vast majority of her life to taking care of (and worrying endlessly about) myself and my siblings.
  6. Even though we harass her about it, I love how she is still utterly incapable of telling a joke without cracking up before she can reveal the punchline.
  7. She allows me (encourages me, even) to blow thousands upon thousands of dollars on a Creative Writing degree, to wear costumes on the internet, and to invite people from around the world to sleep in our guest room.
  8. Her kindness, open-mindedness, sensitivity and pure intentions always come to mind when I'm tempted to judge another person.
  9. The woman can totally rock a cardigan.
  10. I know for sure that there is nothing I could do, say, or be that would change the way she loves me.

Whether you have a mother, are a mother, or just know and love one somewhere, I hope you have a lovely Mother's Day!

Chipotle burritos this year: 8
Subscribers: 49,571
Nail color: Bare
Miles run today: 1

P.S. Two new videos since my last post! Check them out here and here.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Sloppy "Drunk" Goodbye

Leave it to me to have a perfect posting record for the entirety of BEDA... and then fall asleep on the couch watching MacGyrver (hottie, btw) and not manage to get anything up on the second-to-last day. To make up for yesterday, here. The Situation and I went for a hike around some beautiful waterfalls, and now you can pretend you were there. Put it in your scrapbook, tell all your friends. Or, like, don't.

Anyway, here we are. April 30th. I had a great time reading your comments, coming up with stupid jokes, and just interacting with you guys over the course of the month. I know I say this every year, but I'm going to put forth more effort to update regularly on non-BEDA months, too. Even when I have to dig and scrape for anyfreakingthing to say, I think it's beneficial for me to write something for an audience on a frequent basis. And, of course, there could not be a better audience than this one. So many of you stand by me even when you disagree with my opinions, so many of you laugh even when my jokes aren't funny, and every one of you contributes to making me feel great about myself... I know I sound sappy, but I am so, so, so sincerely grateful for this community. (I just reread this paragraph and it sort of sounds like the overly drunk girl at the party who's holding a glass of wine and keeps leaning into everybody and yelling things like, "No, no, listen to me! You're my best friend.") But believe me. I love you guys.

The winner of Thursday's haiku contest (although toastburntbread has pointed out that a true haiku is about nature, and therefore my post was written in senyru) has to be Aimee, whose poem made me laugh out loud:

Stupid word, where is your D?
You are hard to spell.

Nice. But don't be distraught just because Aimee wins the nonexistent prize-- I was legitimately loving every second of that comment thread. All the rest of you get honorable mentions. Maybe we need to make haiku posts and comments a monthly holiday. I am a fan.

But you know what else I'm a fan of? Shoving food in my face. As soon as the credits of The Lion King are over, The Situation and I are going to tend to the situation of my hunger... situation. This reflective background music (while, granted, about lions) is sort of making me feel depressed about the fact that this is the last paragraph of BEDA. If I were that drunk wine girl at the party, now I'd be sobbing with running mascara dripping into my open mouth. It's been fun, guys. I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you later this week!

Chipotle burritos this year: 7
Subscribers: 49,228
Nail color: Bare
Miles run today: 0, but I played with sidewalk chalk?

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Haiku 4 U

Very tired, guys
Not too tired to blog, but
Will just use haiku.

Long-distance boyfriend
Hanging with him this weekend
Leaving tomorrow.

Cold, rainy weather
Where he lives, but I do it
Willingly for love.

Sorry for making
You puke from my sappiness.
Please forgive my spew.

Wiped out from writing
A very long short story
For class on Gay Lit.

It is difficult
And it's gay. Like Santana.
Last Glee joke ever.

My story is fun
But stressing me majorly
Maybe I'll post it.

Must go fall asleep
With mouth open on pillow.
Art is tiring.

(That may not be true
But if we say so often,
They'll call it a job.)

If you have comments
There is one rule to follow:
Write them in haiku.

Five syllables then
Seven syllables and then
End with five again.

Don't care what about
But the funniest one wins
Invisible prize.

(The prize is not real.)
Parentheticals in poems
Amuse me too much.

Four minutes till twelve
Looks like we made it on time.
I must say goodnight.

I hope your day is
Lovely and I'll see you guys
Tomorrow! Pizza.

Chipotle burritos this year: 8 (I tried to round down and people asked how I lost half a burrito, so we're rounding up.)
Subscribers: 49,165
Nail color: Bare
Miles run today: -3 (+one cake)

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

5 Amusing Things

Five things to amuse you tonight:

1. Bread turtle. I found this little guy somewhere on the internet (sorry, original creator-- I don't know who to credit) and thought you needed to see him.

2. The first trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 was released today. It's up to you whether or not you're ready to watch it, but I'm interested to hear your thoughts if you've seen it!

3. A picture of me at, what, five years old? Compliments of my mother. Enjoy.

4. I heard today that, apparently, ten people are killed each year by vending machines? I have absolutely no confidence that this is real, but I still appreciate the fact that someone made the rumor up. I hope none of you have been personally affected by vending machine massacres. My thoughts are with your family.

5. An old favorite video. Try not to be overcome with adoration for the adorable.

I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 7
Subscribers: 49,132
Nail color: Rainbow

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I like your boobs!

Today, I was sexually harassed while leaving Women's Studies.

I was walking back to my building, frumpily donning an unbuttoned rain coat, holding a Chipotle bag in one hand and cup of water in the other, when I overheard a group of college-age boys laughing and hooting from the street corner. "Dude, does your mom know you're a virgin?" one asked, with much tact and class. Called one of his partners-in-buffoonery, "Try your luck with this girl." As I approached their group (conveniently located right next to the crosswalk), a freckled boy walked up to me, laughing. I looked at him uneasily and through his chuckles, he said, "Do you want to have sex with me?"

Right on time, I get a Do Not Walk symbol. Sighing, I looked back at the idiot and responded with a firm "No." A chorus of hysterical laughter broke out among his cohorts. One of the aggressors who suggested this game then yelled, "Try harder! Tell her she's sexy!" and for good measure, another friend shouted, "Yeah, tell her she's sexy!"

He obliged, I groaned in disgust, and I was finally able to cross the street. However, as I walked away to the sounds of whistles, indistinguishable yelling, and "Tell her you like her boobs!"; "I LIKE YOUR BOOBS!" I sort of wanted to vomit.

Tell me, how is this okay? True, nobody tried to touch me, and by college standards "they were just joking," but why should I have to feel uncomfortable and self-conscious at the hand of insecure twenty-something-year-old imbeciles? How can someone graduate middle school without a basic sense of what you can and cannot say to random strangers by the crosswalk?

I'm not posting this for pity-- nothing really happened, and if it weren't for the fact that I'm typing the story up now, I would forget all about it by Thursday-- but I just felt compelled to show a little civil disobedience towards an aspect of society that doesn't work for me. I didn't risk my hand at chewing out that group of guys right there in public, but I'm making my voice heard now:

It is unacceptable for anyone-- man, boy, or even other female-- to harass a girl or woman about her body or sexuality for any reason whatsoever. I don't care if it's a joke, if it isn't meant to be overheard, if it's in private... it is never okay.

So, freckly faced guy with the crappy friends, if you're reading this (you are not), I hope you can at least sleep well tonight knowing that, so long as you keep up the good work, nobody is going to be clamoring for that virginity of yours anytime soon. Grow a backbone, find some new friends, and, oh, you're disgusting.

Sincerely, The Badass Behind the Boobs

Chipotle burritos this year: 7.5
Subscribers: 49,078
Nail color: Rainbow (one color per finger)
Miles run today: 2

P.S. Nelamonster: raspberry with cranberry.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Giving In, Nomming

So here's the deal, kids. I'm hungry. I have a pounding headache. For twenty-five days, I have proven that I am capable of forsaking my one true love in this world, when all it's ever done is comfort and support me. Through experimentation, I can conclude that I do not have any milk allergies. Through this project, I have exhibited astounding self-control. By the power vested in twitter, I am about to eat some godforsaken pizza.

That's right-- the Dairy-Free Tribulations of April are coming to a close five days early. I put it to a vote on my twitter account, and within the first two minutes, I received over seventy responses-- about sixty-five of them encouraging me to throw in the towel and throw down the mozzarella. I know it sounds wimpy to some of you, but here are my excuses:
  1. The goal of this challenge was to see how dairy affects me. I discovered early on that, since I don't feel MIRACULOUSLY DIFFERENT or anything, my body probably doesn't have any problems with milk products. I doubt the next five days will reveal to me a nagging allergy that went unnoticed the rest of my life.
  2. I've successfully weened myself off my cheese addiction. I had your permission to eat whatever I wanted on Easter Sunday (so as not to be rude to those who prepared the meal) and when I had a plate of cheese offered to me, I didn't want any. That's right. I am now capable of saying no to cheese, so there's no harm in saying yes occasionally. Giving up early is not so much a failure as it is the beginning of a life of moderation.
  3. I'm going to The Situation's house this weekend and I refuse to be the guest who only nibbles on a lettuce leaf. And if my boyfriend-- the one I haven't seen in weeks-- wants to buy couples' brownie sundaes? I am eating a brownie sundae.
  4. I find vegan and dairy-free diets very admirable, but it looks like it's not my thing. I've been a vegetarian my whole life, so it's not like I'm refusing to stand up for my beliefs. I am perfectly okay with abstaining from creamy salad dressing, milk chocolate, and most ice cream. Having pizza when I'm DYING FOR PIZZA is not a crime.
  5. I want to.
So that's that. I'll be documenting my rebirth as a lactarian on annoyinghayley, and promise to give you every delightful detail. I hope you all have a lovely day (I am extremely confident that I will!) and I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 6.5
Subscribers: 49,034
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: 0. Headache, remember?

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter!

Family time, food, and seeing my best friend in the world for the first time in eight months has left me speechless. I had a fantastic day and I hope you're all doing well! Back to normal programming tomorrow. Goodnight!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Handwritten Almost-Easter!

Click the pictures to see them larger!

Friday, April 22, 2011

A Day of Good

Twenty minutes left in the day and about six minutes left of battery life on my computer, but dammit, I am a champion. This blog post is going up.

Today was utterly beautiful. Panera for lunch with Mom, Water For Elephants with my sisters, vegan chocolate chip cookies (verdict: taste about the same, but the consistency was somewhat dogfoody), hangout time with all my siblings, Deathly Hallows Part 1 on DVD. I set a date to have my wisdom teeth taken out, was hit on by a cute guy, and several pairs of pants in my usual size fell straight off of me from having lost weight. I just feel totally relaxed and happy and good. Not "good" as in "I can't think of any better way to say it," but "good" as in the denotative definition of the word. My day was good, my family is good, my life is good. (It is only occurring to me now, in my quick read-through before hitting "publish," that today is also Good Friday. I shall henceforth pretend that the content of this paragraph was intentional and that I am very subtle and wordsmithian.)

I did find time to read your comments on yesterday's post, and guys, I've gotta say-- not many of you are talented enough to hang out with my eyes. Those of us with perfect color accuracy, though, should make membership cards or something. "I can see better than you can see and everyone can see why that makes me amazing." Or... we can negotiate on the slogan when I'm not falling asleep.

Anyway, I hate to blog and dash, but the little yo-computer-bout-to-die meter is turning red. It's not up to me anymore.* As Dumbledore said, "It is our choices that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities." And right now, I'm learning that who I truly am is someone who's tired so shut up you guys leave me alone goodnight. I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 6.5
Subscribers: 48,929
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: 0

*What? Are you suggesting that I walk ALL THE WAY DOWNSTAIRS to fetch my power cord? Are you crazy?!

Thursday, April 21, 2011


Having just finished the several-hour drive from school to home, I'm finally at my kitchen counter, both my parents within reach, drinking hot tea out of a cup that isn't styrofoam. Also, my internet connection isn't being dramatically slowed due to some kid on the second floor illegally downloading four hours' worth of porn. Ahh, the simple pleasures of escaping the dormitory lifestyle. It's only for three days, but I'm determined to soak up every second.

Yesterday's discussion reminded me, once again, of how lucky I am to have such interesting people read my blog. Honestly. I spent quite some time reading comments both on my own post and on Kayley's, and I really enjoyed hearing what you had to say. The majority of commenters seemed to agree with me-- believing that scheduled time each day for creative projects does more good than harm-- but those on the opposite team had some decent points, too. I've decided that the best way to settle this debate is to... only update daily during Aprils and Augusts. I know, I know. I am a genius.

I love the days when this blog works out as a two-way discussion, and to keep the momentum up, I have another quest for you guys today. There's this test going around Tumblr to determine how well you see colors. It takes a few minutes (I think I spent around ten or fifteen), but it's pretty fun... and the fact that I received a PERFECT SCORE kind of makes me feel like I have superpowers, if we're being honest. Some can bend steel, some can fight crime, some can... do whatever it is that Aquaman does... but I can SEE. It's really rather empowering, and I would be remiss to deny you the possibility of being as spectacular as I am. You can take the test here, and I fully expect you to comment with your scores. And I mean that. Or else you'll never be invited to mine and Aquaman's parties!

To avoid the inevitable "YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT YOU GOT A PERFECT SCORE" jeers, I screenshotted my victory below. So you can, as they say in the professional-perfect-color-vision-people business, suck it.

On that note, I've got a date with my queen-sized bed. I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 6.5
Subscribers: 48,890
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: 2

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Pushing Yourself vs. Pushing Out Junk

Hello, my ducklings. First and foremost, it was awesome getting to talk to a handful of you tonight on my spontaneous live broadcast. I love getting the chance to interact with screennames I always see around the internet, learning people's real names, forming inside jokes. I don't do many BlogTV shows because sometimes they feel like a culmination of all the negative, narcissistic qualities of the youtube community ("Come stare at my face while I eat salsa and ramble about my favorite TV shows! You owe it to me!"), but those of you in attendance? You made it fun. I asked for ideas for tonight's post, and Julieuh (among others) suggested that I draw a picture of the show. So are you sitting down? Because this is a flipping masterpiece.

Guys, guys! Get a grip! I know you're tearing up from its beauty, and that's fine, but stop trying to throw money and roses at your computer screen! Pick those up and pull yourself together. Are you alright? Alright.

I want to have a little discussion. My good friend and fellow fiveawesomegirl, Kayley, recently updated her blog with an interesting post about Blog/Vlog Every Day in April, National Novel Writing Month, and forced, scheduled creativity. The basic gist of her post is that she finds these sort of monthly challenges annoying, as oftentimes, quality is sacrificed in the name of quantity. I absolutely agree with her in some ways-- for instance, I rarely choose to publish "Today I did this and this and this"-type material during months other than April and August, but occasionally have no other choice when it comes to BEDA-- and I find her opinion totally valid. During the three-year run of fiveawesomegirls, there were some days when I couldn't wait to get in front of my camera, and others when the idea of Thursday made me sick and agitated (I have to do this again?). However, I've also noticed that the extra push and pressure provided by a time constraint and a goal can shake loose a lot of ideas I might not have explored otherwise. The challenge of having nothing to talk about has produced what are, arguably, my three favorites of my own videos (this, this and this). Staring at a blank document without an idea in sight really inspires me to find something funny or clever to make out of nothing. While Kayley is totally justified in thinking that BEDA churns out a lot of crap-- my own blog has seen quite a few crap splatters this month-- it's also a pretty beneficial workout regimen for me, creatively.

So what do you guys think? Does allotting time every day specifically for creation help you stretch your muscles, or does going through the motions just make your motions sloppier? I know my own answer is "both," but I'm curious as to how other people work. I'll be checking my own comments (of course), but I'll be reading the responses to Kayley's blog, as well, if you want to add something to the original discussion over there. I'm looking forward, as always, to hearing your input, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 6.5
Subscribers: 48,850
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: 1

Oh, and one last quick note: On April 1st, when I explained the rules of my dairy-free challenge, I mentioned that I'd put the race on hold in the event that it greatly inconvenienced other people, like if someone invited me over for dinner, or if I was out with people and couldn't find anything to order that fit my specifications. Well, I'm going home this weekend for Easter, and it occurred to me today that turning down my grandma's famous holiday cupcakes would be both rude and a TRAGEDY. So I think, in the name of Grandma, Jesus Christ, the Easter Bunny, and vanilla cake with pink frosting, this Sunday will be a freebie. All those in favor, say "aye." All those opposed, I don't really care.

P.P.S. Breakfast: Kashi cereal with soy milk. Lunch: Pasta with marinara, strawberries, carrot sticks. Dinner: ...Chips and salsa. Some Oreos. A piece of chocolate. Don't judge me.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Winners, rice bags, rain...

So far, yesterday's post has over 90 responses, and I have to say-- I never thought reading hundreds of punchlines to the same jokes could be so entertaining! A lot of you made me laugh out loud with your answers, and the eclectic range of musical tastes between us was hilarious on its own. Honorable mentions go to Miranda's iPod, because "Like a Prayer" seems like a totally appropriate zombie-killing jam to me, and to an anonymous commenter whose overall theme music was, all too perfectly, NSYNC's "Tearin' Up My Heart." However, there can only be one winner, and the glorious prize of... absolutely nothing... goes to beangirl1389! Her whole playlist was made up of bouncy, fun-loving poppy songs that have absolutely no place in a zombie apocalypse, and I actually cracked up when I read that the song she'd hear while discovering a bite mark on her body is "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Perfection. I'll have to find another game of a similar nature for us to play later on-- if you find anything floating around the internet that could potentially produce some lols, let me know. Thanks to JulGra for yesterday's suggestion!

Besides beating off the undead with machetes, my day was pretty low-key. My French test came back with a C on it, I got hit on by a guy wearing pleather pants outside a coffee shop, and I started a giant writing project. We also had this horrendously loud thunderstorm last night, waking me up several times convinced I was being bombed, and a substantial amount of water leaked through my window and left many of my roommate's possessions (laptop included) in a giant puddle. Right now, I'm watching as she takes it apart and places each piece in a ziploc bag full of rice. That's supposedly going to dry it out without ruining anything, provided she does it right. Ah-- now she's just putting the computer in the bag, whole. "I don't know how long I should keep it in here," she says. And... and now she's taking it back out. Do any of you know how to remedy the situation? What size pieces is she supposed to divide it into? Are they supposed to stay in the rice for longer than 45 seconds? Something tells me yes.

Anyway, I've gotta keep things short tonight so I can keep powering through a big writing project I was just assigned. My professor is the somewhat flighty, open-ended type and his only instructions were to "Write something, like a long short story, or some poems, or a novella, or a personal essay... anywhere around, I don't know, six or a hundred pages." So. I'm running with it. I might come back to ask you guys for ideas or suggestions later this week. We'll see how it goes. Until then, I hope you have a lovely day, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 6.5
Subscribers: 48,801
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: I really didn't have any time this evening. Blah; I'm hyper.

P.S. Breakfast was orange juice, Kashi cereal, an apple. Lunch/dinner was a heaping bowl of Chipotle, featured in its spectacular glory right here and here.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Zombie Apocalypse Game

First order of business: Thank you for all your encouragement and sweet comments in regards to my French in yesterday's post. Knowing so many of you could make sense of my iffy translations really boosted my confidence for my test! I'm not sure how I did yet; I'll get back to you. But hey, even if I got a D, I had proficient French-speakers tell me my writing "wasn't horrible" and that's enough praise to make me smile.

Order of business number two: I did a little bit of research today and found out that cow's milk actually contains addictive substances, which proves that 1) cheeseaholism might be real, 2) all my whining isn't necessarily unjustified, and 3) I'm probably doing my body a real favor by taking on this challenge. A few sources recommended a three-week detox from dairy and claimed that the cravings should subside after 21 days. If this is true, I'll be free from the gooey clenches of mozzarella by Friday. ...I doubt it's true. But I'm holding out hope.

But enough of that boring stuff. LET'S PLAY A GAME.

This idea comes to you from commenter JulGra-- it's "My Zombie Apocalypse Soundtrack!" According to the rules, I have to put my iPod on shuffle to determine my fate. I expect each and every one of you (who feels like it) to play along and leave your answers in the comments, especially if they're amusing.

1. The overall theme for the apocalypse:
"F*** You" by Cee Lo Green. Makes sense.

2. The song that plays when I kill my first zombie:
"Hey Molly" by Mike Lombardo. This one's pretty obvious.

3. The song that plays while I'm being chased by a horde:
"The Hokey Pokey" from Ultimate Party Mix. LOL. Zombie Apocalypses have a lot in common with middle school parties at the roller skating rink. Also, how is there a proper plural for "apocalypse?" Isn't the point of an apocalypse that it's... the only one?

4. When I kill my loved one:
"Funny Honey" from Chicago. I mean, Roxie's pretty angry at this point, so it's reasonable.

5. When I find a group of survivors:
"Secret" by Maroon 5. Ah yes, because my natural reaction upon discovering human life after having lost all hope is to make out in a car.

6. When I meet my new love interest:
"Life's What You Make It" by Hannah Montana. Don't judge.

7. When I make my final stand:
"Mutha'uckas" by Flight of the Conchords. "He's gonna wake up in a smoothie."

8. When I think I've survived it all:
"It's Not Half Bad" by The Parselmouths. This doesn't really fit the scenario, but it's still my favorite jam from the olden days, so I'm content.

9. When I discover a bite mark on me:
"Thinking of You" by Katy Perry. Hmm. Alright.

10. The song during the end credits:
"Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard featuring Why The Hell Is This On My iPod. Still, I can't think of a more appropriate end-of-the-battle song, can you?

Is your iPod more entertaining than mine? Leave me a comment and I'll decide whose is funniest. (You don't win anything, though, because this won't be your accomplishment; it'll be your iPod's. Don't you dare try to steal his thunder after all he puts up with for you.) I'm looking forward to reading your responses! I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Chipotle burritos this year: 5.5*
Subscribers: 48,775
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: None

*And to those asking, no, I didn't eat HALF a burritos. I got a bowl full of just beans and salsa and I ate it with chips. It was big enough to go into the burrito category (since I could bowls as burritos, too), but not hefty enough to warrant a whole number.

P.S. Breakfast: Green Machine Naked Juice, zucchini bread. Lunch: salad, honeydew, banana. Dinner: noodles with marinara sauce. Dessert: more of those nastydelicious Reese's Puffs cereal.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I try to blog in French.

Bonjour ! Demain, j’ai un examen dans ma classe de français. Je besoin étudier beaucoup, parce que mes compétences de langue terminent avec l’anglais. Il y a probablement dix erreurs dans ce paragraphe. Mais, j’ai déjà besoin d’écrire un blog, donc je fais deux oiseaux morts avec une pierre. (Si le français est votre langue maternelle, j’espère que vous n’êtes pas mort à cause de cette traduction horrible.)

Hier soir, j'ai regardé le film Tangled avec mes amis. Je ne l’ai pas détesté, mais je ne possède pas le même amour pour Disney qui la plupart des gens que mon âge a. (Pouvez-vous terminer une phrase comme ça ? Il n'apparaît pas correct.) Avez-vous vu le film ? Vous l'aimez ? PJ dit que Rapunzel a l’air de moi. Je pense que il est fou. Je n’ai pas les taches de rousseur, je n’ai pas les yeux énormes, et bien sûr, mes cheveux ne sont pas longs de quinze mètres. Carina dit que l'homme a l'air de La Situation, mais mes amis savent n’importe quoi. La Situation est identique à Prince Eric de The Little Mermaid. C’est évident.

Pour le petit déjeuner, j'ai mangé le pain perdu, les fraises et une banane. Pour le déjeuner et le dîner, j'ai mangé beaucoup de céréale. Voulez-vous entendre un secret stupéfiant ? Les Reese’s Puffs ne sont pas faits avec le lait ! Je ne les ai pas mangé puisque j'avais huit ans, et ils causent probablement l'obésité, mais ils sont comme les bonbons ! Je les ai mangés au dessert. Délicieux !

Aussi, j'ai des nouvelles. Ce mois, j’ai perdu cinq livres. Je me plains trop. Les bonnes choses arrivent sans le fromage. J'ai plus d'énergie, et j’aime courir quand j’ai mangé des nourritures saines. Aujourd’hui, j’ai couru trois miles ! L’enfer ouais !

Je dois étudier maintenant. J'espère que vous avez un beau jour et je vous verrai demain !

And for the rest of you:

Hello! Tomorrow, I have a test in my French class. I need to study a lot, because my language skills end with English. There are probably ten mistakes in this paragraph. But I already need to write a blog, so I am making two birds dead with one stone. (If French is your native language, I hope you are not dead from that horrible translation.)

Last night, I watched the movie Tangled with my friends. I did not hate it, but I don't possess the same love for Disney that most people my age have. (Can you end a sentence like that? It doesn't look right.) Have you seen that movie? Did you like it? PJ says that Rapunzel looks like me. I think he's crazy. I don't have freckles, I don't have huge eyes, and of course, my hair isn't fifteen meters long. Carina says that the guy looks like The Situation, but my friends don't know anything. The Situation is identical to Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid. It's obvious.

For breakfast, I ate French toast, strawberries and a banana. For lunch and dinner, I ate a ton of cereal. Do you want to hear an amazing surprise? Reese's Puffs aren't made with milk! I haven't had them since I was eight, and they probably cause obesity, but they're exactly like the candy. I ate them for dessert. Delicious!

Also, I have some news. This month, I've lost five pounds. I complain too much. Good things happen without cheese. I have more energy, and I love running when I've eaten healthy food. Today, I ran three miles! Hell yeah!

I have to study now. I hope you have an attractive day* and I'll see you tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 5.5
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: 3

*I tried. "Lovely" isn't in my French vocabulary.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

What I'd Do For Cheese

Having passed the halfway mark in my quest to go cheeseless for the month of April, you'd think it would be smooth sailing. You'd think I wouldn't be clutching my stomach with my nontyping hand, flailing back and forth, screaming, "I WANT A PIZZA!" to anyone who'll listen. But dairy is an addiction, my friends, and I am a bona fide junkie. I'm like one of those ladies from Hoarders who can't sleep unless she's surrounded by 4,036 ashtrays. I'm like Mimi Marquez. Guys, I'm like Chocolate Boy. Because I can't think about anything else, the rest of this post will consist of an alphabetical acrostic... of things I would do for dairy products.

A: I would attend AA if they'd give me American cheese.
B: I would box a bear for a bag of bonbons.
C: I would cuddle a crocodile for a chocolate brownie.
D: I would dance for the devil if he'd give me a doughnut.
E: I would eat eggshells if I could then eat everything creamy.
F: I would fight a falcon for a funnel cake.
G: I would go to Guatemala if they had goat cheese on the plane.
H: I would hit Hayley Hoover for a hot chocolate.
I: I would imitate Enrique Iglesias for ice cream.
J: I would jump Jeremy Jackson for any reason, but especially for jack cheese.
K: I would watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians for Hershey's kisses.
L: I would lick Lindsay Lohan for a lot of lasagna.
M: I would make out with Marky Mark for mozzarella sticks.
N: I would nail my nails to night stand for nachos.
O: I would own Oprah in an oboe-playing competition for oatmeal cookies.
Q: I would quit quilting (I do not quilt) for a quiche.
R: I would race Rachel Ray if she'd make me Rice Krispies treats.
S: I would scream at a scorpion if he'd buy me sour cream.
T: I would take out Tina Turner for Taco Bell.
U: I would expose myself to UV if... U would let me have cheese.
V: I would vow against vacations for a vanilla cake.
W: I would watch only Willy Wonka for a week straight in exchange for whipped cream.
X: I xould do othex stuxf that starx xith x's for xheese.
Y: I would yodel with Yo-Yo Ma for yogurt.
Z: I would zeriously do zo much for cheezez right nowz.

That... took way too long and was definitely not worth it. Anyway, now I have to go bang my head into the wall repeatedly. I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 5.5
Subscribers: 48,690
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: 0

P.S. Breakfast was a carton of strawberries, lunch was a big sandwich, dinner was spaghetti.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Good Youtube! Oreos! Etc!

I'm going to let you in on a secret. I'm warning you, though, that you may need to sit down. Or stop reading if you're under eighteen (not really). Things are about to get super racy. Are you ready? All I'm wearing is a towel.

...Are you still there? Does anyone need a defibrillator? I'm sorry! I just showered after running four miles, I'm trying not to keep a friend I have plans with waiting, and I thought being partially naked would speed up the blogging process. If you're scandalized, I apologize. Think of something wholesome! Here, have a picture of a duck. Ducks are cute and family-friendly! I met that particular one at Playlist Live, when he waddled right up to my friends at the side of the pool. Crap. Now you're picturing a bathing suit-clad Luke Conard and all hope is lost.

Anyway, since I (once again) don't have a world of time, I thought I'd keep with yesterday's list-making theme and link you guys to my current favorite youtube channels. I've made lists of this sort in the past, but youtube changes faster than a character's personality on Glee, so it's always fun to update the catalogue. Below are my top five ATM, and a favorite video from each.

5. Friendswobenefits. With 2,000 subscribers, he's certainly not unpopular, but I still can't comprehend how Chas hasn't yet been properly recognized for kicking so much ass. He's witty, he's charming, he doesn't beat you over the head with self-promotion or gimmicks, and ladies, he's cute. Just as a random sample, watch this. In love yet? Thought so.

4. SonofaStitch. It's perhaps lame for me to say this since he's one of my best friends... but PJ is hysterical and he spits out some freaking top-notch youtube videos. You know the way normal people might occasionally say something clever and you think, "Oh, I should write that down or tweet it or something!" That's what comes out of PJ's mouth every single time it opens. To further demonstrate my lack of bias, I'll link you to this one because I'm mentioned in it. But also because it's worth it.

3. Babyporridge. If you're like me and long for the days when youtube was ruled by real-life creativity and not just a caste system of douchebaggery, watch five minutes of Nikki and you'll feel so 2007, you won't even remember who Lady Gaga is. Nikki's unique, she's quirky, and her videos somehow feel like you're watching a combination between a drug trip and a child prodigy's self-produced living room talent show. Here's an example.

2. Tyleroakley. It's extremely unlikely that I'm the first person to introduce you to this little walking ball of stardom, but in the event you've been left in the dark, do yourself a favor and acquaint yourself with Tyler. He's always funny, always sassy, and does a ton of good work for the gay community. Here's one that gets me every time.

1. Communitychannel. Again, I guarantee you've seen her before, but frankly, I don't think it's possible to see too much of her. Natalie does everything I wish I could do. She makes the absolute most of the medium, she makes "your mom" jokes, and she makes my abs more defined from laughing. This is my personal favorite, even though that's like saying I have a favorite kind of... something... that's always good. I don't know, guys, shut up. Go watch Nat.

So hopefully those will entertain you! My friend is now on the end of my bed, giving me a play-by-play recap of some made-for-TV Hilary Duff movie, so I've gotta go. Very important business. Quickly: PB&J for breakfast, smoothie and pretzels with hummus for lunch, um, DEFINITELY NOT THIS for dinner. Carina maintains, "Oreos aren't BAD for you. They're vegan." She then goes on to say, "I'm getting a doughnut. I'm so pumped." You can see why she's my friend and why I have to go.

I hope you all have a lovely day and I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 5.5
Subscribers: 48,651
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: 4