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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A Pretentious Portrait of Pretension

Fiction Writing class. The little room is stuffy, full of legal pads and enough decaying biographies on Shakespeare that you sort of want to wear a beret, smoke menthols, and compare the color of the table to Contemplation or Sorrow. But it's just blue.

A small girl with an angular face wears predictably unusual costume jewelry. She displays it by sitting up straight, never moving her whole head more than a centimeter, but constantly flickers her eyes beneath a furrowed brow, as if she's in a permanent state of deep, pained thought.

A large boy with an honest-to-God* handlebar mustache extracts a lot of pleasure out of looking down and mumbling to himself, though he would never admit to taking pleasure in anything at all. He wraps a bandanna around his unwashed long hair, too bitter and unsmiling to succumb to social norms for the sake of his fellow bitter and unsmiling students.

Clearing her throat theatrically, a girl in all black prepares to divulge her brilliant criticism about another Bard's new short story-- a tale of delicious misery, hurting so good, and how great it feels to feel awful. "I like that you chose this word," she says, pointing to one polysyllabic analogical archaic morpheme. Or some shit. "Not many people know this word," she adds. "But I read the dictionary, so."

I almost can't stop myself from chuckling this time. Honey. We all read the dictionary. We've all uttered that identical sentence before (accompanied by identical flicks of the hand) when we've felt our supreme pretentiousness was being challenged: "I read the dictionary, so." That's why we're here. That's why we're majoring in Creative Writing. Every single one of us is that person determined to never be part of a "them."

We're all so laughably similar in our attempts to be sickeningly different.


Chipotle burritos this year: 13
Subscribers: 27,042
Nail color: "Green with Envy," ORLY

*Extremely hardcore students of John Green's writing: See what I did there?

104 comments:

Anjali said...

Hayley,

That was amazing. The last line is seriously and permanently stuck in my head. I love it- and it makes so much sense.

-Anjali

Ben said...

I would hate to be in your class xD I don't know why but in my school the indie kids trying so hard to be different & being exactly the same as all the other indie kids at the same time just really annoy me.

karenlydia said...

'"I like that you chose this word," she says, pointing to one polysyllabic analogical archaic morpheme.'

Ooh Hayley, you make me giggle.

alyson said...

Fantastic post. I'm in love with the line "polysyllabic analogical archaic morpheme." Brilliant.

That last line is going to stay with me for quite some time.

Maria S said...

You just summed up everything I feel about a old friend of mine. Trying to be so different from the crowd, that really it doesn't stand out, and she's just with a new crowd, the anti-crowd if you will.

Holy crap what I just wrote was bad, I'll leave it to your marvellous words, Hayley <3

Another State of Mind said...

whoa. You're such an amazing writer! The last line is somewhat haunting... I love it.

RhianonLives said...

Wow, that was quite amazing. At least in my opinion. Now, what happened? Because, like I've told you, to me your life is like a novel, and I'd like to know xD

JJC1138 said...

I *double*-dare you to submit this blog entry as your final essay for the class.

eibbore said...

Never stop writing.

stephie said...

Agreed! I was an English major in college, and I spent the majority of my time in class not saying anything because I was so irritated with every one else's pretension.

They'd say something like, "Oh, I love how the needle could be a metaphor for the blood of the world because none of us sees the truth in life."

And I'd say, "You mean no one but you. You see it? Because you're special, right? You're above the rest of the world because you read poetry and so therefore you see the needle. Right?"

"..."

Ida said...

I love this post. I want to make sweet, sweet love to this post. I want to have babies with this post. Create tiny little posts with the potential to become even greater posts. As if such a thing is possible. I love this post.

Julia said...

"We're all so laughably similar in our attempts to be sickeningly different."
I love that line so much, Hayley.
I've realized that I need to comment more often because I've read your blog religiously for over a year now and I never comment... So, yeah. Word.

Alcnor said...

Daaaaaamn. (In a good way ;))

Jenny said...

"But I read the dictionary, so."

When I read that I snorted. Which was gross, but stopped me from laughing. It's ridiculous. How does knowing ONE word make you smarter or better or a more gifted writer?

And now I'm going to laugh.

dftbaasap said...

Hayley, you never fail to make me laugh and think. Your class sounds just. Um. Yeah. Great. :)

Sarah said...

That was amazing, especially the last line, which perfectly sums up a thought about the exact same thing I had this morning.

Zombie said...

:)
That is all.

Adam said...

http://xkcd.com/610/

The Dreamers said...

Ugh, I hate that "scene". I just despise people who think they are different by being exactly the same. Maybe that's just me.

Susie said...

Ha. The main thing I dislike about being an English major is the pretentiousness of people. It's fitting that I read your post on this, because I was sitting down to write a short story for my very pretentious and original short story writing class.

Heather said...

What was the John Green writing reference?

SellByMaggie said...

This is amazing! The last line was absolutely brilliant. It sums up exactly how I feel about my school.

Gilly said...

That was brilliant. Kind of reminded me of what I loved about Franny and Zooey.

profoundpasta said...

You know, usually I'm one of those people who reads and never comments. But today... your writing is brilliant.

If there was a like button or a star system, you'd get full points. [wow... what has the internet done to us that this is how we express approval??]

Really though, you are a writer.

alylurker said...

All I can say is WOW!

Phoenix said...

And THIS is why you're majoring in Creative Writing. You're in the middle of something and you transcend it and observe insightfully because you're in the middle of it at the same time.

Yeah, I know that barely (if at all) makes sense. That's why I'm not majoring in Creative Writing.

Brynne Annaë said...

That's pretty much what college is, I think. At least, liberal arts college in my experience (and I go to a prestigious, albeit west-coast - for the snobs, that means it's ZOMG INFERIOR - liberal arts school). I just had this conversation with one of my friends because we're both coming to the realization that adherence to a non-mainstream social stratosphere is just as binding as trying to be popular.

Larangutang said...

It seems like this whole generation tries to be different and stand out in the exact same way..

Melissa said...

I hope you don't mind, but I took that last line and put it in my quotes section of Facebook. I must sound incredibly dorky, but you're such an amazing writer and most of the things you come up with are just worthy of being quoted. :)

Holly said...

Loving the irony of these observations, but dayum that class sounds oppressive.
So much for liberating literature.
Please don't become one of them, Hayley. <3

Sarah said...

I wish you were writing a book, Hayley. Please write a book and publish it now. That was wonderful.

Niki. said...

I love this.

Kelly said...

Hayley G, I love you to death and that is some sick-ass writing, but let me give you a nickle's worth of free advice: since this is you're first (as you put it) big kid writing class and it's still so early in the term, I would advise you not be quite so judgmental of your peers. I don't say that to be mean, I just don't condone acting like you can totally sum someone up in a short blog post without actually knowing him/her at all.

You're painting a picture (really well, I want to stress) of how these kids all think that they're smarter and better than everyone else in the room, and then you come home and write a snarky blog post at their expense. Who's really the one with the superior attitude?

Now I feel like I've been too mean. I really am a big fan and I know that you have a good heart and aren't a snob. Don't be mad at me.

xoxoadorkable said...

I love this post so, so much.

Hayley G. Hoover, you are incredible.

Your Faithful Observer said...

Ahhh, Hayley.

I like to watch the people in my classes and write blogs about them, but each of these paragraphs on its own puts every one of my blog posts to shame. You're SO EFFING GOOD. <3

Katie said...

JUST WRITE A FREAKIN' BOOK ALREADY! Please be the John Green of our generation.

shaylaluna said...

If you eliminate all of the actual reflection and talking, and leave just one girl (me) about to say something, scan the room and just give up, you'd be pretty close to my English class.

Eli Squared said...

This is why I write ridiculously cheesy romance stories for all of my in-class quick-writes; during workshop there are eye twitches and thinly veiled contempt. Which in response I just smile in delight!

Then I turn in my legitimate young adult story and I still get the same reaction, which delights me even more.

I shudder at all the douches who think they're the next Hemingway or Faulkner. Sorry, I hate to break it to you but we most likely won't be reading your "Great American Novel" 1 year from now let alone 50 years down the road. Get over yourselves.

Anila said...

No better place for elitism than a liberal arts classroom.

Nicky said...

I feel the same every time in any of my English classes. Go English majors in our desire to be different, but in the end pretty damn similar [at least in our goal to be different].

Anila said...

Also, I'd like to know what you thought about the Glee premiere!

Madeleine said...

That was so ridiculously insightful, not just for Creative Writing majors, but for really all majors. I'm a theatre major and there really are some people who are like that (one in particular in one of my classes comes to mind).

Thanks for bringing your crazily-intelligent mind to the internet =]

Dinah said...

I ditto what Zombie said.

Oh, plus tons of love.

jessmcfadden said...

This is obviously a work of pure genius, but gurl if you use the word "pretentious" one more time in the next two months I will srsly pop a cap in yo ay-dolladolla.

BenCracknell said...

I have no idea whether or not I would like your class. Of course I would love it in the sense of that's what I want to do more than anything, and also that I would be skipping 3 years of my life, but after seeing how some people are, I don't know if I'd be able to cope.
Sure you say you're all the same, but I know that I am not the best speller or the most practised Grammar Fairy, so I would feel under so much pressure to not sink behind. But, like I tell everyone, I don't honestly care what people think about me/my writing. As long as I like it, and even if, for some amazing mistake that I do get published, I could have 1000 hate mails, but as long as I get 1 nice one, I will be over the moon.

Have a good day!

Elisabeth said...

Haha, this made me giggle. It's so true.

It's also very well written. Proof that your life is, indeed, a novel :)

Kai said...

I have nothing more to say than that post just completely made my day.
Perfect.

Paige said...

I love this post.
I would elaborate, but there is no need. I just love it.
xx

Alexis said...

I'll agree with others here on the accuracy of this writing, but allow me to suggest the following thought:

By posting this entry, where you observe that your fellow students' attempts at pretentious originality are actually part of an already existing pattern, can we not say that you are also trying to stand out from the crowd by calling on this behavior? Basically, one could say you're displaying the very behavior you're putting yourself above of.
In the same logic, you could also tell me, I'm following that patern myself with this comment. ^^

I'm not accusing, but it's an interesting observation, I find: it's hard to remark others' superiority without sounding superior ourselves. Where do we draw the line between sincere originality, and that which serves merely for appearance?

Hayley_leesha666 said...

Hayley, your amazing.
I am a consistent reader.. seldom commenter, though todays post evoked a response in me that i felt i had to share!
i honestly wish that i could write like you... i love writing, novellas, screen plays, scripts, novels, all that jazz and yet i was too afraid to take my creative writing class at university this semester.. i am an English major. I was to afraid to take it because we have to share our writing each week and the idea of that makes my skin crawl.. so each day i read this blog and think to myself how amazing it is that you can write so succinctly and yet it seems so effortless to you. I look forward to the day when i can be first in line at the bookshop to get your best selling novel. and i can boast that i read your blog back when you were dealing with romance issues with Justin Timberlake, the day you announced your relationship with the Situation and all the high school, college and life antics that occur in between.
Thanks for sharing your life with people like me who aspire to one day.. write and think, just like you. :)
x Hayley

ThePeterIs said...

If this was what you turned in as an assignment for that class... you might just be the coolest person ever.

Steph said...

That was fantastic. That last line is going to stick with me for a loooong time. I know it will (:

You should write a book. And publish it.
I know you'd be successful.

Sidsel said...

Reminds me of Second Helpings.

Very well written by the way.

KaraDawlish said...

The description of that whole mustache kid really baffles me... i wish you could see the image in my head now almost as much as i wish i could see the actual student in question

TommyKay said...

Oh wow Hayley. This blog post really reminded me of this guy I know and surprise surprise, he's going off to uni to study english next year. Pah.

But yeah, it's so true how we're all trying to be different. Whatever scene it is. For me, I'm trying to get involved in all the punk and ska scene in the UK, but even that which is supposed to be an accepting place for "outcasts" can be incredibly judgemental. Eh, this is the world we live in I guess.

I am unique, just like everyone else.

Manuel said...

*giggles*

Brilliant.

Lindsey said...

I don't see what you did there, and I feel kinda bad about it :(

Michael W said...

I think one of the reasons I love to read your writing so much is because it's so similar to how I write. As long as we're both pretentious: I feel that both of our styles are greatly influenced by John Green. All of that is to say, yes, I see what you did there. Connecting a phrase with hyphens to turn it into an adjective. I do it too. I also do the more blatantly ripped off numbered-construction-within-a-sentence thing.

I just can't get those books out of my head sometimes.

Nokorola said...

Hayley, it is awesome how everything that goes on in your life can be made so entertaining when you say it.(well, write it)

-Phillip

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