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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Bottle explosions of emotional dooooom.

If we're being honest, not much time has passed since Sunday's post when I haven't been thinking about you guys. Your responses were all so real, and heartfelt, and daring... and even now, I keep catching myself on the verge of tears. You beautiful people. I wish I could take all your pain and shove it in a plastic bottle and maliciously hold it over a candle to watch it contort and blacken. Then I'd scrape the melty goo over some bricks or something, until all that's left of your misery is a bottle cap and some little pellets of the burnt Aquafina label.

I sound like a psycho. But I don't appear to be nearly-crying anymore, so at least that little tirade worked.

I'm just flat-out honored that so many of you shared such personal stories with me, and I'm sincerely touched to see a lot of you responding to each other. The reason I dwell so much on this blog is because I definitely feel like it's not just about me anymore; there's a bona fide community of people with common interests forming below my daily musings. That's incredible. I almost can't wrap my mind around how truly grateful I am to be in contact with such awesome people. By commenting, emailing, tweeting, messaging-- even just by reading, without speaking up-- you have a huge impact on my life. Thank you for reading this. Thank you for caring about me and about each other.

Wow. Okay, now that my One Tree Hill reenactment is over, I think I'm going to get to bed early. Too many dramatic teary-eyed speeches can really take their toll on a girl. For tomorrow, do me a favor and complete the following tasks, for your homework: 1) don't forget to be awesome, 2) be good to yourself, and 3) continue kicking ass.

Chipotle burritos this year: 16
Subscriber: 27,583
Nail color: "Lightening," Sally Hansen Insta-Dri

52 comments:

alylurker said...

Ooh homework that I don't hate for once!

Phyllis said...

some of the best homework i've received all year

Christina said...

Hayley, I think you need to remember how awesome you are sometimes.

Kris said...

You're a wonderful person, Hayley. <3

serenamurison said...

Hayley, you are lovely.

Abbie said...

I think you're the one we all feel like we should be thanking. We're here reading because you are here writing. I'm a senior in high school and things have been pretty tough for me this year. Over my winter break I started having weird problems with my heart that still haven't been completely figured out, and there's been a lot of drama going on with my friends and my family. Reading your blog reminds me that this type of stuff is only temporary. Eventually everything will get figured out and everyone will move on to bigger and better things...including me. Honestly, you kind of inspire me. I accidentally stumbled across your blog one day while searching for what the inscription Marcus made on Jess's ring was (because I couldn't remember that My thoughts create my world) and I've been hooked every since. Seeing someone so close to my age who has such a strong sense of self and such an honest sense of humor is what made me decide to start blogging. And I'm really glad to be part of your community, and I'm really glad that, even though I haven't commented that much, my reading your blog is part of the bigger picture. Thank you for writing. :)

allysonkate said...

It's so humbling to read everyone's stories. It makes me feel selfish for my bad moods. I just want to hug all of you!
I feel like I just want to have a giant sleepover with all the girls (sorry guys!) that read your blog and just stay up all night talking and having fun.

alimarie_11 said...

Thanks for bringing a happy ending to each of my nights :D

and wish me luck with the act tomorrow :/

Catherine said...

Now I feel bad that I didn't comment on that post. It just felt too much to comment on right after I read it. Just know that I read your blog everyday and am completely touched by who you are. You're a great person Hayley, and I admire you so much for that.

heytheremeranda said...

Hayley, you are such an amazing person. Dont you ever, ever forget that.

<3.

orangeyahgladitslauryn said...

Catherine, I feel the same way you do, for I didn't comment either.
Hayley you have changed my life little by little! A year ago I felt like a spirit just out there trying to find my feet none the less the ground! I look forwards to your posts of anything I even start checking your blog the second it hits 9 pst! Today I had a bad day. The girls in m art class who don't like me doesn't even have any respect for my stuff! I had a math test which I almost failed exceptnforni luckily timed it so I ran out of time to finish it. And in my last class of the day my teacher accidently forgot what I asked him so I can't do what I wanted until tomorrow. On the plus side the sun came out and I'm going prom dress looking tomorrow shopping Thursday my first driving lesson Friday and prom Saturday! Also I found my flash drive with my nano on it!
Thanks Hayley c:
<33 Laur

Megan said...

I think we can agree that all of us are awesome. But don't forget that this community would not have formed without you. After reading everyone's comments the past few days, I think I can speak for a lot of us when I say that you have been a great influence on my life and have had a bigger impact than a lot of people I know "in real life." It is so comforting to know that there is someone close to my age who is/has struggled with a lot of the things that I am going through right now. You give wonderful advise and you are an excellent writter, too. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, remember how awesome and important YOU are, Hayley. Because I think you forget sometimes.

partyweetow said...

Because of you and all your nail-polishyness, I bought a new color at Target today. Sally Hansen's Lime Lights. xD

Caroline said...

I didn't want to be counted among those who read but don't speak up, so...here goes it:

You're Sunday blog left a lump in my throat the size of the tennis ball I failed to return 9 out of 10 times at my tennis match yesterday... I know exactly where you've been, though the feeling hasn't been around for quite some time.

In my freshman year of high school, I had an...episode...it had happened before but not this bad. I could eat almost as little as I could sleep. I couldn't talk to anyone, and when words did come out of my mouth, they weren't my own.

I had the friends that made me feel shittier, and I had the friends that stuck around until I felt better.
One parent was eager to get me help (the one who's had her fair share of "help") and the other wouldn't even consider the idea that I might need it.

I can't say that I do or don't need help, and I don't know who's heart was in the right place: a friend, who, when I came to her for help, told me she'd once entertained the thought of suicide or the friend who, while doped up on medicine to stop the pain she was feeling from an ankle surgery, cried with me...all the while... reassuring me that everything was going to be okay. And my mom... who knew all too well what I was going through, or my father, who'd never admit that I could be going through the same sort of thing.

Maybe all of them had good intentions, all of them helped me get back to my healthy, somewhat obnoxious self...after all, I haven't gotten sick again, and it's been nearly 3 years.

Anyhow, thank you for revealing another dimension to your seemingly flawless self. Your blogs really are one of my favorite parts of the day. I'll be sad when April ends and they become scarcer.

Jordiekins said...

I know this might sound weird, but, have you ever thought about turning The Hayleylujah Chorus into a Ning community?

We've built up quite a lot of friendships, inside jokes, and memories, and it would be nice to have an easier way to interact with eachother.

Just an idea...

Thank you, Hayley, for yesterday's post; it really made me realize how pointless depression really is. Let's all just be happy! =)


Read ya tomorrow!
<3 Jordan

p.s. Sorry if there are crazy-bad errors in this post. My mom took my laptop, so I resorted to typing this out on my iPod.

Sarah said...

Hayley you are profoundly profound

<3

Megan C. Sullivan said...

Hayley did you remember to be awesome.... because i am working on it too...


it's becoming really hard lately for me..

kalimagination said...

I agree with Catherine, and everyone who also agreed with Catherine.
I started several comments on your Depression, etc. post, but just couldn't bring myself to actually say something meaningful. That issue was just way too big for me to fit into one comment, but just know, it really, really... You know how you said you feel like a douche saying "the gym" or "on the rocks?" That's how I feel when I say something really "touched me." It's the perfect way to describe it, but I feel ridiculous saying it.
Poor transition later, your homework will be a piece of cake, no worries. I am planning on kicking SERIOUS ass tomorrow in my Citizen Washington class, during which I will ACE my test on the Washington State Constitution. Or at least, that's what I'm telling myself.

Emma said...

1) I never forget! ;)
2) I try my best.
3) DONE! \o/

stupidhumansuit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
stupidhumansuit said...

You do have an amazing community here. I found a while ago that I love reading the responses of other readers almost as much as I love the post itself. You really are one AWESOME girl.

As for the homework: done, done, and I'll try. =) Now to tackle U.S. History. =/

dnetzel91 said...

Don't forget to be awesome?

DAMMIT! I knew there was something I forgot to do today ;)

Well, this is a community I'm glad to be a part of :D

Brookely90 said...

Even though I didn't post anything about myself(mostly because they sound crazy and I delete them as soon as I write them) this made me happy. It's wonderful that you can love and accept so many people you don't "know". I respect that a lot.

Emily said...

Honestly, Hayley, I have been going through an extremely tough time in my life recently, and it really makes me feel better when you talk about your blog readers in such a way that makes it clear that you legitimately care about us as people, instead of a crowd. In a time in my life when I feel severely taken for granted and stomped on, that means more than you know. So, thank YOU.

eibbore said...

I love the way you interact with us Hayley. We should be thanking you for writing.

Ida said...

I always get to read your blog when I wake up, and it's a wonderful way to start the day. Even if that day continues to suck, at least it started off awesome. And I'm not just saying this. Your blog actually makes my days better.

Emma said...

1) I never do. :)
2) Will do.
3) It's on my agenda. I hope we're talking about metaphorical ass. In the case that we aren't, I'll just have to abstain. :)

Anonymous said...

I require that you do the homework too.

Michelle said...

Hayley, you are definitely one of my top-five favorite authors. :D
And you haven't even published yet.

Casey said...

I like this homework... it does sound pretty awesome!
DFTBA! <3

dontforgettobeashley said...

As a member of your 500 subscriber chain (yay Youtube!) I am one of those ones who just lurk. I've been subscribed to your YouTube channel for..well, a long time. I follow you on Twitter, I follow your boyfriend on Twitter, I was a reader of your formspring before you deleted it, I watch your blogTV's when they're on...and yet I've never interacted with you, really. So, I think it's time to stop being a creepy stalker (well, not really, I don't have the attention span for stalkertude), and join the community.

I could go into how you're my silver-backed gorilla (yay vlogbrothers!) but I already seem creepyweird enough that I'm going to just stop here. Actually, I lied.

I think you're wonderful, lovely, witty and well versed. You're a wonderful role model for teenagers growing up, and I hope that you succeed and keep doing fantastic things.

Okay, now I'm done.

BenCracknell said...

I haven't done homework in over 3 years, but I think I could manage to do this. (;

I'm so glad you like us, and that you don't get annoyed. I know that a lot of people, mentioning no names *cough*ShaneDawson*cough* bitch sometimes about their, "fans," but you don't. You genuinly care about us, which makes all of us so, SO happy. We love you, Hayley, and what ever you go through, just as long as you post it, we're all here with you. We're going to be the ones you come out as a lesbian to, just like we're the ones you're going to bitch to when your health teacher spits on you. Yay for together-ness!

Have a good day!
Ben

Katie said...

Hayley, I'm going to print out that homework, put it in quotes, and type your name under it. Those are the most inspiring words I've heard in a long time. I'm going to put them somewhere where I can read them *every* day. Thank you! You are the most talented, wonderful person I don't know personally. :)

Maria S said...

Hayley, I think we'll all agree that you're the beautiful person here, inside and out.
And on a personal level, you've had a huge impact on me too. You made me realise you don't have to be afraid, you can speak up, and it is perfectly cool to be yourself around everyone.
I used to be so shy and hide so many emotions that it came out in a ugly ugly way in the form of self harm.
People like you making me unafraid to express myself and realise that I'm awesome just the way I am, well I owe my recovery to.
Thank you so much for that. xxx

Anonymous said...

I feel bad for being a lurker now! I stumbled across your blog because of a link on another site, and I very nearly didn't click it. I feel so lucky I did. :D You're inspiring, honest, funny, and your blog posts always make me think. Without wanting to sound creepy, I feel like I can really relate to you. To put it simply, you're an amazing person.

Kathryn said...

Please can I use this homework as an excuse to get out of the things I have to do for physics? It's infinitely better.

Love you Hayley! <3

Azu said...

Honestly, I had never, ever, felt so Haylish before Sunday. I thought I was the only one who felt that way.

It's not like I'm emo or something, but I'm a very thoughtful person (sometimes I wish I weren't) and when I see people around me, I roll my eyes. They seem so simple. Happy. I bet they don't even think.

Geez, I really sound emo xD

Anyway, you're awesome Hayley. If possible, you've obtained a higher position in my "Awesome rank". Next to John Green. So, yeah. :P

Anonymous said...

You're not the only one on the verge of tears now. Somehow though, it's in a good way,

Thank you.

RhianonLives said...

Awww :D I'm so, so glad we make your life a bit better, because you make ours a bit better! It means a lot to me to be a part of this, so thank you !!

@Abbie : I sympathise with you completely; I started having some heart problems last year. Have you had any exams done? Like echocardiogram or electrocardiogram? Because I was feeling a lot of irregularities with my heart beat and I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me!, and then I had those done and discovered it was just stress, tension and overall crazy-cakes-ness :) it'll all be okay!

Katy said...

I love One Tree Hill...

:)

Marwa said...

I still self-harm. All my friends think I stopped 3 years ago, but I still do. I hate it.

Jess said...

<3

Bel Glezer said...

You know how anxious and under pressure you felt when you had to write down all the words you could spell when you were in the 1st grade?
I feel a little overwhelmed every time I attempt to write a comment on your blog that could even begin to convey half the things that go through my mind when I read it or watch your videos...
It's just... Weird. In a good way. Like you said, it's some kind of delusional that strangers over the world should know more about your life than your everyday acquaintances, but it's also invigorating!
I don't really know how helpful it is, as you pointed out yourself, knowing that other people went through the same shit we did, and that it will eventually go away (as it did for me). But I can assure you that reading this blog, which could not be any less related to my life*, takes my mind off everything horrible and mundane, and it's as if I too could be as serene as you make me feel.
Your last 5AG video just reminded me of what I feel like when I'm on vacation with my friends and not stressed over midterms as I am now. I sometimes like to think that, since the things you share with us are so simple on the outside (jokes, music, movies, random experiences) can make life suck a little less, can you imagine how great it would be if we could all get to know one another's story in the same way we seem to follow your life?
It's freaky, I know. And it's physically impossible -- I seriously lack the time to follow more than one real-life-soap opera.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm grateful I got to know you, in this creepy-albeit-not-stalker-internet way. I'm a little sorry you probably won't get to know me or many other of your subscribers. And that I'll probably die without ever knowing what does the "g" stand for.

Best wishes,
Bel

* 19 (almost 20) year old brazilian law student, who is crazy about musicals, books (I actually shipped "An Abundance of Katherines" and "Looking For Alaska" because you guys are so obsessed with him -- and really liked them), and cooking.

caliowin said...

cheers for the homework :)

Just reading those three tasks instantly makes you feel 100 times better. It has the same effect as writing things that are good in your life and those which make you sad on post its, and sticking up the good ones to read each day, and ripping up the bad ones. Psychologically makes a difference to your attitude for the whole day. :)

It is so touching to read everyone's comments. What a lovely bunch of people your blog has collected. The blog on Sunday made me cry, and the one today has formed a lump the size of a tennis ball in my throat.

You are an awesome and beautiful person Hayley, all those who know you are lucky to have you in their lives.

sincerely, ems. said...

I have a request. If you don't mind, could you tell us some bands/songs you like to listen to?

I've been meaning to get some new music lately, but I just don't know what's good. You have such good taste in everything else, so your musical sense should be just as good.
(:

Dana said...

I do believe that, by doing the Tybalt-Mercrutio fight scene from Romeo and Juliet in an epic Harry Potter style for English, I am completing my homework. :D

Cece said...

allysonkate has a good idea, you should find a way to make that happen.
<3

Michael W said...

People really tend to underestimate the worth of letting people know that you care about them. There's a lot of power behind that sentiment - it can give people the strength and hope to keep getting out of bed every morning. The best thing about this community is that it's made up of awesome people who aren't afraid to say it. I care about you Hayley, even though I've never met you. I think we all do.

I'll try, but the completion of homework has never been my strong suit. Tomorrow is the TAKS test for me, which basically means lots of boredom and bubbling with No. 2 pencils, etc., but I hope to make the best of it.

Kai said...

That blog post really got me through tonight.
I've been struggling a lot with math lately (and I know you and math haven't exactly had the best relationship), and I kept thinking 'soon this will be over. Hayley said so! just keep hanging on.'
Thanks so much for having an impact on my life, and just being generally amazing.

Aly said...

*sends internet hugs*
*breaks out into happy songs*
:D
Your blog brings joy to my day, so thank YOU for that! (I mean, it's not always happy or great, but it's always an interesting read, and I enjoy seeing what new anecdotes and such you have to share!)
-Aly

kira902k said...

I basically agree with all your other commenters when I say: thank YOU. Your blogs inspire me so much and in so many ways. Thanks. <3

Anna M. said...

you inspire me hayley =]