"That doesn't make any sense," I say. "Nobody's going to think it's funny."
"Yes they will," Jess informs me. "They love me. I have a beautiful and adoring audience. Write this in your blog...
"One day, I came home from school. Jess was a magical unicorn master. She showed me the challenge for eating powdered doughnuts in three minutes, as thus was pertained by* Christopher "Big Black" Boykin. Thusses, (that's t-h-u-s-s-e-s), I refused her challenge, but raised her one, with a jar of pretzels and a quadrangle of homemade cookies that my mom won in an auction. On Degrassi that day, um, the, um, mystical chocolate factory diva salad was real. It just got real. And the uniforms were covered in sequins. The end. That's all I've got."
So, uh. That's my best friend, trying to be as weird and nonsensical as possible. She's sitting next to me right now, as we have an unofficial cookie-eating contest, and she continues to dictate stupid paragraphs, which I'm promptly ignoring and not transcribing into this post. "You're embarrassed of me!" she says. "You don't want your blog readers to think I'm crazy, you don't like when I call your boyfriend and ask him what he had to eat today...."
So, readers, to prove my undying loyalty, I ask you: do you think my best friend is crazy? And what have you eaten today?
Chipotle burritos this year: 14
Nail color: "Green with Envy," ORLY
*She understands that this means nothing.
P.S. The big secret I alluded to last night has been revealed all over twitter, so I can now proudly announce that two of my favorite people, Lauren Fairweather and Matt Maggiacomo, are finally engaged! Send your congratulatory tweets here and here; they deserve it.