Pages

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Depression, etc.

It's both sweet and slightly unsettling how much you guys know about me. A lot of you have been reading my innermost thoughts from my first big heartbreak to my senior prom to my first week of college. You've been following me through angst and drama and happiness and bad jokes. It's easier to divulge feelings to an anonymous audience than it is to talk face-to-face, so I've confided more in you, Wide-scale Internet, than I have to even some of my good friends. Strangers know me better, deeper and realer than my teachers, extended family, and people I encounter every day. That's just... a strange thing to think about.

On the same note, however, there are some aspects of my personality that I choose to keep more private, or altogether hidden-- ones I've alluded to, but never really explained. Now, this post isn't about to become a tell-all autobiography full of secrets and humiliations. But I've seen through example that a lot of my readers are about my age, or going through situations similar to the ones I describe in this blog, and I feel like there's something I ought to say, in the event that it will resonate with someone else.

I naturally have some very depressive tendencies. There's depression on both sides of my family, and it's something I've felt to varying degrees for much of my life. Right now, I'm in an almost overwhelmingly Good Phase. That lethargic sadness has still been a large part of me, though, and it could likely come back at some point. And I thought it was about time that I told you about it.

It bewilders me when people talk about how much they wish they could be five years old again, or seven, or nine, as if those were truly "simpler times" without stress and sadness. I don't think I'm a particularly negative person, and yet almost all my memories of elementary school are of anxiety and nervousness and frustration and guilt. I specifically remember an incidence at the beginning of first grade, when the teacher told us to take out a sheet of paper and write down all the words we knew how to spell. This was my opportunity to prove myself. If, at the end of the five minutes, I didn't have more and better words than everyone else did, I would... I don't know. It literally felt like I would die. Just thinking about it, I can still bring back that feeling of all-consuming pressure. Unadulterated sickness. I was sweating, and crying, and embarrassed about crying, and putting holes through the paper with my eraser. I could barely see through my blurry, wet eyes, I was hot all over, and I was pressing so hard that my thick pencil lines were black and feathered. Do people just forget when they grow up? When they envision being six years old, do they only see sunshine and bike rides and sidewalk chalk?

It's the same--only significantly worse-- with middle school. Adults too easily cast those years off with a wave of the hand, throwing around cliches like, "Oh, it was awkward, but it's over" and "It'll go by faster than you know it." Perhaps when you're middle aged, and the past thirty years of your life have been relatively stagnant with regards to your body and career and living situation, middle school can just seem like three awkward years. But when you've only been alive for thirteen years, and you've only had an email address for one, and different teachers for two, and you wake up on a random morning to--surprise!--breasts, it's not possible to simply grin and bear your metalshop teeth. Hearing that "this too shall pass" doesn't help, because a minute is an extremely long time when you're living it.

Oh, and then there's high school. Okay, so you mostly look like an adult. And you can drive a car like an adult. You can buy cigarettes, you can vote, you can have all the babies your classmates can supply you. BUT... you can't go to the bathroom without written permission from some lady with a bad perm. Your friendships are transient and subject to change. You're expected to make life-altering decisions, but you have to be home by eleven. Even for the popular, good-looking, athletic valedictorians, being a teenager is lonely and painful.

I have never had a difficult life. I've had the same close friends since before I could make phone calls, my parents and siblings are supportive, wonderful people, I'm healthy and white and financially secure and American. Yet, I've still had long stretches of time in my life when getting into the shower was an excruciatingly difficult task. I'd find myself silently repeating all day at school, like a mantra, I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home, and then, when I'd get home, I'd think, I am home. Why do I still feel nothing, and why is breathing so hard?

Basically... I'm not writing this with the intention of making you miserable, or to say that my cheerfulness is a lie, because I'm truly happy now, the majority of the time. I just want you to know that, if you're feeling any of the ways that I just described, you're not alone or broken. It tormented me to hear people say that it would get better... but it. Will. Get. Better.

Chipotle burritos this year: 16
Subscribers: 27,489
Nail color: "Lightening," Sally Hansen Insta-Dri

189 comments:

are yeh savvy, mate? said...

I don't know why I believe it, after all the people who've said the same thing. But coming from you, I do.
Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this with us, Hayley. Even though we've never met, your honesty really means a lot to me.

Leslie Rowen said...

Thank you. As a high school freshman that can only seem to think about getting out of my house and this high school, I just wanted to say, thank you.

sbg_bubbly said...

Thank you for having the courage to share this, I am sure it will help someone.

cassiumpotassium said...

I think this is an awesome thing to share. Thank you. :)

cassie.

Jordiekins said...

I really hope it will, Hayley. I really hope it will.

I went through severe depression for the first three years of high school. I've only just started living- really living, y'know?

Today is awesome because I graduate in 33 days. Read ya tomorrow.

Ellery said...

Hayley,

This post gave me a feeling similar to that of reading PostSecret. It's like, "I felt/feel that same way, too! I'm not alone!"

It really means a lot to me that you are so open and honest. Thank you.

Ellery

to_thine_own_self said...

Thanks for writing this post, Hayley.
You're right. It did help someone.
I have depressive tendencies as well. In fact, it's mostly the biggest thing I'm currently dealing with. It's taking up my life by restricting me in everything that I do or try to do. It causes me to seize up with fear and anxiety and it's been that way pretty much my whole life.
You're right, too, about middle and high school and all of that. It was a hard time. It was an awkward time. It was an embarrassing time.
I got through it, but I'm still trying to get over it. Which is why I think I haven't moved forward with my life like everyone else my age seems to be doing.
This post actually really helped me. It lets me know that, if I let it, life will get better. You let life get better for you and that's exactly what I need to do, too. I can't avoid it...I simply need to try and allow time to take me forward into an improved phase of my life.

=]

alylurker said...

I hope it does!
Although this year is so much better than last year; I'm just glad freshman year is over!
Even when I was home I constantly repeated "I want to go home."
Although I am scared to death of junior year~ heard it was the worst.
Thanks for reassuring me that it will eventually get better!

Lauren said...

This has been one of my favorite blog posts you've done in a while. Even though it's not happy and sunshine-y, it still makes me feel good. And I can't put my finger on why. But I bet it has something to so with the fact that everything you said is true, and I could empathize with every word. You're really intuitive and relatable, and I can't wait to see your name on the New York Times Best Seller List.

Niki. said...

This made me tear up a bit...

Thank you.

Krazy_4_Kelly said...

This is why I love getting to know you, Hayley. You say things that are hard and you help make people feel better instead of just continuing in your own happiness. I'm your age and I feel the same way a you do but I can't imagine even saying all of these things in a believable way to my own friend who is 14-years-old, who I've known since she was born, and you flawless are able to write it for all of us to read.

I can't ever thank you for all you do for me. Even though I've never met you or spoken to you personally, I feel as if I have someone who understands what it's like growing up and I'm so thankful I have you to help me through the rough days.

[/sappiness]

Laura said...

Hayley, I just want you to know that you are so much of an inspiration to me. Not only for being willing to put things like this on the internet for the whole world to view, but for everything you produce, whether it's blogs or videos or hilarious tweets from Atlas the Fish. This sounds stupid and cheesy, but it's good to know that there is someone else who is experiencing/has experienced similar feelings of stress and anxiety sadness. I had an eerily similar experience to your first grade one.

I'm not exaggerating when I tell you how much I love what you do - I mean,I've been refreshing "The Hayleylujah Chorus" for the past 45 minutes waiting for today's blog.

Melody said...

Totally have tears in my eyes. This is a beautiful post, Hayley. If blogspot had a favorite button.

Lindy said...

I empathize...a lot.

You can't understand depression unless you've been through it. People would tell me to "snap out of it", or thought it was weakness...laziness...etc.
So now, when I echo your statement "things WILL get better!!" I hope your story and mine (plus anyone else in the comments after me!!) combined will give people even more hope!

herfordship said...

The anonymity of the internet is both a great and terrible thing. We feel somewhat safer divulging our secrets to people who we may never meet face-to-face. It's harder to tell people we do know our secrets because then we'll have to see them the next day...and the entire social dynamic could be forever changed.
I'm trying so hard to open up more to the people in my "real" life, but it's still terrifying.I don't know if anything will ever get better, but at least we can try, right?

Mandi said...

You're so eloquent. I adore how you can capture all of the emotions from your childhood. I remember them, and when you describe them, they all come rushing back to the surface, but I'm never able to come up with the right words to explain it.

So thank you.

owlet25 said...

Man, do I wish I could've read this in 9th grade. That year was so miserable, and I felt like I was the only one. As someone graduating high school this year, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, which is absolutely made brighter by knowing how well things turned out for you after being in a similar situation. So, thanks.

Sammie said...

I whole heartidly agree!! I really don't like it when people try to say that High School will be the best years of your life. I didn't have a terrible high school experience, but my years since high school, have been a million times better!!

Phyllis said...

Fuck. This blogpost is so important. Thank you for writing it. I am genuinely happy right now. I have great people in my life. I am in a wonderful place. But I am just super stressed.

Gabriella said...

Thank you for this, Hayley.
I'm not a frequent commenter here but I had to say something about this post. I too remember the stress of being a little kid and middle school and as a sophomore in high school, it really does help to see someone who felt this way has found happiness. I've been a nervous wreck as long as I can remember and this past year have developed a frequently occuring difficulty in breathing due to anxiety that my doctor has very little advice on. It's not easy to deal with but knowing that I'm not alone really does help.
So again, thanks, and I'm so sincerely glad that things are looking up for you. Even though we're technically strangers, I very much enjoy your blog and appreciate you putting yourself out there for your readers, particularly for this post that is quite personal.

Raz said...

Thank-you. This post made me cry, actually, but it's nice to read these feelings from other people. Too often when people talk about depression, it comes off as either attention seeking and self-pitying or just plain flippant. This was nice.

On a word play note, I thought the name of your current nail polish was positively literary considering the topic of the post and your current happiness. "Lightening", get it?

Katie said...

Freshman year of college was probably the worst year for me. I had finally gotten out of a poisonous relationship from junior & senior year of high school, but I just didn't know what to do with myself. I made new friends & tried to reinvent myself at this new school...confident, independent, content, boyfriend-less Katie...and I fooled everyone but myself. I'd hang out with people some days & have a grand time, and then come back to my room and cry or lay in bed staring at my ceiling. It was rough. It did get better though. I found someone I could open up to and be truly myself with, and I am so much happier now. I do have my moments where I go crazy and cry or get angry over simple things, but I'm able to work through those moments better now by not bottling up so many emotions inside & hiding my true self from the world. I used to think to myself some days that I just couldn't ever see anything getting better. And not that I take pleasure in your pain, but it really is comforting to know that I'm not alone in having ever thought that way. And if anyone reading the comments is struggling with similar emotions, I too can attest that it can and will get better!! You're not alone.

Em said...

you are my hero.
thank you.

partyweetow said...

I remember in 3rd grade, we were taking those Iowa State tests (even though I live in Illinois). For the essay section, I had to write an expository essay on what I'd do with a robot, if I had one. I couldn't think of anything. I sat there, watching the minute hand move, listening to my classmates scribble down their own answers. After what felt like an hour, though was probably about ten minutes, my teacher came over and asked me what was wrong. I started bawling and had to be taken down to the psychiatrist's office, where she helped me write my essay.

So, yeah, I understand. Being a kid is hard, and it only gets harder.

KimbraSaysRawr said...

Thank you for writing this, Hayley.
Growing up, I was anxious and scared and nervous, and sadly that still makes up a large part of my personality. I wouldn’t go back to being six-years-old any day; I remember the worse aspects of my childhood, and wouldn’t relive any year from birth to now if given the chance.
I felt the exact same way growing up, and I still do sometimes, though I don’t broadcast it… the darker, more depressed side usually isn’t something that you think the world wants to know, you know?
I commend you for typing up this post, and letting us in.
Thank you again, Hayley, for putting into words a problem that’s haunted me for years.

JuliAnn said...

Hayley, I am so happy you wrote this in your blog today. I would have been a junior in college this year, but I no longer attend college, because I couldn't get to school because I was so physically sick from all of my stress and anxiety. It also does not help that I have Ulcerative Colitis (yes just like hank green) and that the last month of my senior year I was pretty much home schooled... since I was just so sick. However, since my last flare up with my Ulcerative Colitis, that lasted the whole month of January this year, I feel like my life is turning around. I started school again at my local BOCES and I finally have a job at my aunts salon, and it is an amazing environment for me.

Whoa... I just ranted a whole lot about myself... but I do want to say is that I am proud of you, because I understand (in my own way) that even though people around you may be happy and for the most part anxiety free... it just isn't the same for everyone. So, I am truly happy that you are finally seeing the brighter parts of life =]

Cece said...

As a high school student, sometimes I just feel like being unhappy, and bitchy, and angsty even though I don't have any REAL reason to be unhappy. So then I feel guilty about it and simply continue to be the Happy-Person I have all reason to be. Hearing things like this makes me feel like it's okay, because I know that i'm not the only one who's ever felt that way.
So, thank you. You've helped me a lot more than you'd think over this past year.

Anonymous said...

Thank you <3
I -just- posted a blog about how my life just feels hard, and how this feeling isn't going away...
And even before this post, I've always looked up to you, because you're a strong, beautiful, and talented individual.
So, thanks again .

Katherine said...

You're an incredibly beautiful person, Hayley. And I admire you greatly for sharing this with us. The "this too shall pass" is an annoying saying, but I guess it's used because the person offering it as advice is thinking "What exactly am I *supposed* to say here?" Your ability to show integrity to people you've never met is so great. And as weird as this sounds, I love you for it. DFTBA! <3

Nicoley said...

Thank you Hayley, this seemed to help a lot more coming from you then from a few others that I have heard it from in my life.

David Byrne said...

I have a friend I really wish I could have showed this to.

Abigail said...

I kind of needed that today. Thanks, Hayley.
It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Stefan said...

The only thing I kept thinking reading your blog when you were still in HS was how much I knew you're love college. And then you got there and everything worked out so well.

the same thing happened to me. I hated HS and something magical just happened in college.

I still can't get over how happy I am for you.

Sarah said...

I don't want to sound like a parrot, but that was lovely.

Cat said...

I hate bathroom passes. I have a teacher that only allows us to go to the restroom during her 90 minute block once a semester. She claims that she wastes too much time filling out passes for each student. Really, she doesn't even have to do that, the bathroom is next door. UGGH.

Kara said...

I can't word this properly, but I want to let you know anyway...

This post means a lot to someone (like, for instance, me) who has spent the entire weekend hiding from the world, and wallowing in self-beating (not physically) over failure-at-life crap. While I feel slightly sadistic saying this, it's always comforting to know other people are going through the same stuff, even if there's nothing we can do but wait it through.

So thanks. For reminding me. For sharing. And for caring. ...Now I've got to go before Hallmark hunts me down. Ack.

Stefan said...

you know what's equally weird? In some ways I feel closer to you then most of my friends. the internet freaks me out some times.

dude.. write a book already!

jenibo said...

concurrence

Anonymous said...

LOVELY.THANK YOU.i don't know you and never read this before but my friend tweeted a link to it and..ohgoodness.i wish i could give you a big squishy hug <3

Sarah said...

Thank you, Hayley. For putting this kind of thing out there. I'm in that halfway, slightly horrifying stage of high school--a sophomore. About to take some (what seems like) life-cementing exams. Make some very real decisions about my life, you know. What you wrote about, the part where you mention that kids my age are almost adults, feels very, very true.

I have friends, I do like learning, but sometimes I look through the halls of my teeny-tiny school and would like to be anywhere but there.

Anyways, like another commenter said, this does feel like Postsecret. It's a relief sometimes, even though I know I don't always believe it, that others are in my position.

For some reason, when it comes from you, I really believe things will get better. You're going to be an awesome writer someday. Sometimes I already feel like I'm forgetting about elementary school and middle school, and those very real feelings that came along with that time. I know you'll never be like that, though. Thank you again. I'm going to show this post to the friends who feel the same way about high school. Thank you!

jenibo said...

I wrote the same things in two less eloquent blog entries.

http://jenibo.wordpress.com/2010/04/18/i-could-die-right-now-clem/ About the Dementors

http://jenibo.wordpress.com/2010/04/02/monday-syndicate/ About it being "easier to open up to people who aren't looking at you."

Fae said...

I love your blog posts. I always read every single one. Since the begining. And I love that you've been posting every day. I'm so sad that April is coming to an end. I won't get to read your posts as often. This makes me sad.

Marlena said...

Thanks for making me cry, Hoover.
As different as our lives and situations are, I so, so, so, so (etc, etc) get this, and you know how much you give me hope. I love you. This is beautiful.
Also, the comments on this are amazing. I love people.

Britty said...

Nearly 7 years ago, I let my depression get the best of me during my junior year of high school. It got so bad I attempted suicide 3 times. I didn't have a hard life, but my parents had just divorced and my whole world fell apart. For about 4 more years, I allowed it to control me. The guilt of trying to kill myself, the pain of my fathers abandonment, and the sadness in my mothers life almost became too much. For a period of time it was so bad, I dropped out of school, alienated my whole family, and gave up most of my childhood friends. I stopped playing music.

It was so difficult to try and claw my way back into who I was. I finally found myself about a year and a half ago. In celebration I went laser tagging on the anniversary of my last attempt at ending my life with my new found friends and soul mates. It was still a difficult night for me but it was so....freeing. I let go of the guilt. I twas amazing.

It really will get better, for anyone reading this that feels this pain.

Hayles, I love you and feel like you are one of my close friends and I think it's beautiful to open up that part of yourself to us. You know we love you best!

Anonymous said...

Thank you.

Leah said...

Oh my brave, beautiful, wonderful girl. I'm so fucking PROUD of you.

Hayley Hoover, you are a marvel. Do you know that? Because it is absolutely true.

I was so scared for so long that you'd never get here, and here you are. And that's amazing.

taraupshall said...

Hayley you amaze me. The way you wrote about depression in your teenage years is exactly what I am going through in my young adult years. I'm going to be turning 20 and I've never been kissed, I don't have a part-time job, and I don't have my driver's license. Sometimes I wake up and wish I could just go back to sleep for forever. I felt so much pressure finishing my second year of university and and all I wanted to do was finish, but now that I am finished...I feel even more empty. I have this long summer where I'm having surgery so I can't find a job because I will have to take time off for my surgery. It is just more time to brood over never having a boyfriend.

Susie said...

Childhood sucked. I would never go back. I was as depressed as a child in elementary could be. My family was great, but I didn't find peace in school and myself until high school. Thanks for sharing, as always.

Tess said...

Hearing this coming from you just seems a whole lot more... I don't know.. real, than it does coming from other people. Thank you for writing this.

bandaide said...

Hello there Hayley. It's nice to see someone I admire (and at many times envy) have a “weakness” as relatable as depression. Err… okay, so that doesn’t make me sound like the nicest person, but I hope you know what I mean. As someone who also experiences bouts of depression and anxiety, it’s comforting to hear that you aren’t letting it stop you.

I look back on my time in High School and wish I had done more, got to know more people, etc. etc. It's easy to think back to High School and judge myself from the safety of my non-adolescent mind, where I don’t have those new hormones coursing through my blood and I already know the ending. I think you are completely right about people forgetting what it was like in the moment. We are just thinking about regrets, and shaking our heads because kids aren’t doing it how we would have done it *the second time around*.

Oh – and I’ve got a question for you. Would you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert? My friend just lent me a book called, The Introvert Advantage by Dr. Marti Laney, and it’s a really interesting read. All the things that I thought were just personality quirks are actually just textbook introvertism (I’m a science major, that means I can make up words right?). Annnywaays, just curious.

Keep shining – I love happy Hayley.

Jamie said...

Thank you, Hayley. This blog post reached and touched me in ways that I cannot describe. In my elementary school years, I always had that nervousness and anxiety. I got so worked up over finishing my work before everyone else, always getting the top score, being the fastest runner, etc. I stressed my poor little self out and I had not even reached double digits yet. It drove me crazy because as middle school and high school came around, being the best and on top got harder and harder. And the awkwardness and embarrassing moments just made it worse.

But, I'm glad to have gotten through it and I feel much stronger because of it. College has had a positive effect on me and the people around me sees it as well. I'm truly happy for your current happiness, Hayley. Keep writing. Your honesty always leaves me speechless, in a good way.

Megan C. Sullivan said...

Thank you for that. I know I have had similar feelings to the ones you described...there was even a time in which i burst in to tears in the middle of history class in middle school....

But really thank you and it will get better

gaby said...

Hayley, I've coped with depression too. Thank you for this. You are truly awesome and I love this and how happy you are.

With that being said, I need you to get that book out of your head so I can buy it and treasure it forever.

tardiscat92 said...

Thank you. So, so much for this.

Today is awesome because I'm graduating in 23 days. :)

toastburntbread said...

I couldn't do jr. high again.
And being a child, is tteerrribbbly lonely and no one really takes you seriously.
If anything makes a person feel that awful, sad and empty, they are allowed to be sad. I don't think people should compare their sadness. You know, when people say, they are starving children in africa so you shouldn't be upset. Well if it's enough to make you feel upset, then, I don't think people should tell us not to be sad, like knowing the their is starving people will magicailly make our sadness dissapear.

Elizabeth Sabourin said...

I'm 19. My childhood was by no means a bad one. I have great parents. I got pretty much whatever I wanted. I was happy. But I recall thinking about committing suicide when I was 10-ish. I never tried though.

Looking back, I missed out on a lot of things that other kids my age were able to do. And I didn't have any friends either. For a long time I was withdrawn and lonely and didn't really have a purpose. When I was fifteen my life changed greatly. I met a girl online who introduced me to her best friend who is now my best friend as well. Because of her I've gotten to meet some other great people and I'm not lonely any more.

By all rights, I should be happy now. My family and friends could not be better, I know what I want to do with my life, and I'm finally at a point in my life where I think I finally fit in. Unfortunately (and I think this is mostly my fault) I get stressed easily, and being stressed leads to be depressed, so I get depressed a lot.

This week has been pretty bad. But hearing you talk about this helps. Thank you, Hayley.

-Lizzy<3

Carma said...

I hope you realize what an inspiration you are to so many of your readers. You are such a lovely person, Hayley.

Thank you for existing.

Blair said...

I'd rant about my oh-so-sucky-but-not-really-sucky-at-all-life... but I WILL refrain. Just... thank you. A lot.

Anonymous said...

Thank you.

Sarah Mowrey said...

That almost made me cry because man, do I know what you mean. I feel like my younger years are better left as a blur because I absolutely do not want to go back and relive them because they're full of embarrassment and gross and other things I won't express in a blog comment but maybe another time. And, I am petrified that these years are going to be the same and then, eventually that all of them are going to be this one big like, regret or something. God, I should go and blog on myspace about my pain, pain, pain and how black my soul is or some bullshit. I just. Well, I feel like you know, or at least understand.
-Sarah

nicole. said...

i just went through this really rough patch of about 4 days where my depression made me want constantly clean. my apartment could be spotless but i felt so dirty that it hurt my head. and i KNOW the "i'll live through it", i HAVE lived through it but it doesn't really help you when you're living it. you don't know how you'll make it through the next 5 minutes let alone the next day. i understand completely, and i hope other people find some comfort in your post.

Jessica said...

That has to have been the best blog post I have ever read. And the most honest and realistic explanation of depression I have read, as well. Thank you.

Kathryn said...

Gah, Hayley, I love you! <3

The hole way through this post I was nodding and agreeing and saying "Yeah, I feel the same way".
I know I'm not alone in the suckiness of school but it's always great to hear someone who I truly admire say they got through it because for me I'm still living it.
I'm the UK-equivalent of a freshman in high school and it's awful. No amount of distractions can ever hide the fact that I don't belong among the people I sit with in lessons and class just never feels right.

This is a long post now, which I said to myself I wouldn't let it be so DFTBA Hayley.

Love,
Kathryn. xxx

Kelly said...

My first year of college (the first time that I ever lived away from home) I had a horribly depressed and tortuous year. In a way, it was kind of a mirror-image of your story. I was really happy and well-adjusted in high school, terrified to leave home and my family and my friends. And where you foind a new peace and happiness while away at school, I could only seem to find loneliness. I felt like I didn't know who I was; I just floated around feeling alone and sad all the time. And the worst part was that none of my friends seemed to be going through anything remotely similar. The friends who I missed so desperately seemed to have no trouble making new friends and enjoying all the new adventures college had to offer. And I just felt like I was some weird freak who had malfunctioned and peaked in high school. I'm on the other side of that whole mess now, thank God, and my life has been shaping up really well in the last year, but the point of me telling you all of this is that I so wish I had someone my age around (even if just on the internet) to tell me that they were feeling all of the things that I was feeling and that I wasn't alone or crazy or damaged. Everything is okay now, but looking back on some of the uglier thoughts I had during that time still gives me goosebumps. It could have turned out so much worse. And I just don't want you to ever underestimate how good it feels for someone who's sad to know that they're not alone and how much these blog posts really mean to your readers. I'm sure it's hard for you to bear yourself so completely and honestly on here, but thank you so much for doing it.

Lots of love.
-Kelly

Kelly said...

I think I may have posted that comment twice. If I did, gah, sorry, that was annoying of me.

Alex S. said...

I just had a really bad weekend and this made me feel a lot better. I'm not even gonna get into everything because I'm very calm and content right now(but I also put a lot of pressure on myself and tend to get really worked up and stressed out, so I definitely get that). But Hayley, your blogs and videos constantly make my day or make me feel better when I'm upset. You're pretty amazing and thank you for everything. I'm glad that you're so happy, you deserve it.

The Dreamers said...

Childhood was filled with all of those things, feeling like you were so small and unimportant, like no one cared what you thought or what you had to say. When you couldn't do something right in school, you panicked, and hated yourself. But, at least for me, there were so many great times with great friends to help me through the bad times. When you get into middle school, it feels like it's just you, then again, I changed schools in 6th grade, so I really WAS all alone, but that carried into high school when I knew people. I just felt that even if I KNEW that people could relate to my problems, I couldn't share them, I couldn't just talk them out, I was more the watch-a-sad-movie-and-get-out-the-tears kind of guy.

And now, I'm unemployed, out of school, can't afford to get a car or go to college because I can't find a job and my parents can't buy those things, so I'm just trapped, and while I am "content" with the way things are, I'm not happy, and I don't see that changing. I've been depressed since I moved away those 8 years ago, and the only that'll change is if I get out and start a new life, and don't fuck things up this time.

Hopefully that was a window for you so you don't feel like you're putting yourself out there too much, I feel it was only fair for me to share something.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorta crying as I write this, but thank you Hayley, thank you for writing this.
A lot of people seem to think that depression is alterable, something that you just 'snap out of'.
Thank you for writing this and letting others see that it isn't.
<3

Manuel said...

Thank you for this blog post. I think many of your younger followers appreciate it.

Oh, and this old fart(27) is really impressed, too :)

Ida said...

Thank you for that. I am in no way saying I am or have ever been really depressed, but like every other teenager I too have had some low points in life. It's a nice feeling not only to read this from someone my own age, but also the fact that you feel like you can share it with us.

And written permission to go to the bathroom... that's just weird.

Mègan said...

Hayley this was amazing!

Izzah said...

This is so true. I am still in school and I get annoyed and depressed all the time. Being in boarding school, sometimes I feel even more alone and angry than I used to be back at home. Sometimes I feel guilty about feeling depressed because I am so lucky to have all that I have, an amazing family, good education that I don't even have to pay for, a huge room and all that. Especially since some kids my age can go days without eating but sometimes I just can't help feeling depressed.

infinityalwayss said...

This post was truly beautiful, in an insightful way. Although I myself have been lucky enough to not have experienced the lows and highs as you and some of the other commenters have, many people very close to me have and, well, it's reassuring to know that eventually it will get better and brighter.
Thank You :)

Karina said...

Thank you for being so honest and sharing your life with us in this way.

Jenny said...

Thank You, Hayley.

Jenny said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
KateyMatey said...

Just...thank you.

Emma said...

This honestly makes me really, truly happy. You are who you aree for yourself and for others.

Maddy said...

I don't usually comment, but I just wanted to say that this post meant a lot to me. I've struggled with depression and anxiety disorders for my entire life, and I've always felt no one really understood what it was like. I identified with this post so much, and I really appreciate you sharing it with us.

Cate said...

I have such a lot of respect for you for being able to express yourself like this. I wouldn't go back to being a child either. There was nothing particularly horrible but I was constantly referred to as a 'sensitive child', which I think was a nice way of describing the human ball of stress and upset that I was for years and years. I'm 21 now, and I don't really know the point when everything stopped being so difficult. All I know is that I'm happy, happier than I've ever been. I really hope that the younger people who are commenting on this post can reach this stage soon. Thank you for sharing.

VTBurninator said...

Collective internet hugs for all!

HGH, you bare your beautiful soul more than most, if not all, and I admire and respect you for that.

Dealing with and sometimes battling depression myself, it's nice to know I'm not alone. It's funny to look back and think "I wish I could tell myself I'm going to survive." Life for me is good now too, but good doesn't mean depression doesn't visit me every day. I just have more things to smile about (like your BEDA) and less alone time to curl up in the fetal position, rock myself, crying, telling my mom I don't know why I'm so sad cause I don't feel anything at all...so thank you for acknowledging and facing this. Hopefully it helps us all face it better, together.

accioweasley said...

Thank-you for writing this, Hayley. I wouldn't believe most of it coming from a teacher, or a random parent, or really, anyone except someone who was there just a year ago. Thanks.

Zoe said...

Thank you for this post Hayley. I've also been suffering from depression and anxiety on & off since before I can remember. Now I'm at university I still sometimes feel it creeping up on me and it's nice to remember I'm not the only one.

Claire said...

I think you're right. The closer we get to adulthood, the more we like to sugar coat our childhood. I mean, 1st grade was probably a cake walk compared to my junior year of college, but my seven year old body didn't think it was any less stressful than my 20 year old body does now. So going back would do no one any good. But the memories of the fear and the lonliness and the embarrasment I felt in middle school will never fade, they're so etched into my memory. So it bugs me too, when people say "Oh, middle school was so much fun." Haha. NO.

I've also had the same problem with depression for a good portion of my life. It took me a long time to really figure out what it was. Not many of my closest friends know it, or can recognize it when it happens, because I'm usually so upbeat and friendly on a day to day basis. But, even when I'm in my deepest, darkest place, I know the feeling is only temporary. I think the best thing you can do is just understand yourself enough to know that things are going to get better. And find the people who can see the change, and know how to make you feel better. That's what gets me through, anyway.

And, you can't know how much it means to me (to all of us that sit here day after day, really listening)to hear you be that honest. We love you, Hayley. Thank you for trusting us enough to be truthful. <3

Christina said...

Ah Hayley. If I knew you, I would give you a big hug and a cookie. You are so wonderful and amazing. This took strength and I want to thank you. You are such an amazing person.

Elly said...

What you've written here mirrors almost exactly what my life has been like. I was just diagnosed with ADD in December, which has helped shed to light some explanations of my own anxious and depressive tendencies. In kindergarten, I had a panic attack because I couldn't read chapter books. My adolescence thus far has been a combination of the really good times you're experiencing now- and the shit fest of just wanting out, which is where I'm at currently. Thank you for voicing this to us.

Hilary said...

Thank you for that. It was something I seriously needed. Like you, I'm a freshman in college. My last two years of high school I had some serious undiagnosed depression which just fricking hurt. And I've had it come back a couple times in college, but that part of my life has been cut out. So I'm better. And it's good. Not the best at all moments, but I like it.

So thank you for this.

Jen said...

Very thoughtful and interesting. And yet...there are those of us that truly mean we would go back. As an "older" reader, I didn't have the same struggles in elementary, middle and high school. I was fortunate...maybe things were a little simpler in the 80's? I don't know...I loved middle and high school. In the reverse of your situation, it was college that started making life worse for me. So yep...as a 34 year old, I'd love to go back. I haven't forgotten either...I just didn't have the same issues, ya know?

Sean said...

To be completely unoriginal I just want to say "thank you"
My anxiety and depressive tendencies don't date back as long as yours but I know exactly how you feel/felt and it helps just knowing I'm not alone. Whenever I find myself unable to get out of bed or sitting there sobbing just because it hurts too much inside I've always thought "what the hell is wrong with you? You have nothing to be depressed about. You have a great family and friends and a fairly easy life. Get your act together!" But it's not that easy and I felt stupid and selfish and have hidden that part of me. It's nice to know I'm not the only one dealing with it. So yea, thanks.

bambambecky said...

Hayley, i am so so SO glad that i stumbled upon your videos all those years ago and i just want you to know how comforting and refreshing i find each of your blog posts. Thank you for opening up and showing us a new side to you :)

bookwormdaisy said...

Thank you so much, Hayley. I'm so glad you're honest and open with your blog readers. :) As a girl in middle school, this really means a lot to me.

Kris said...

I also have depression on both sides of my family, and it's something I still struggle with from time to time, so while I can't say that I know exactly what you're going through or where you're coming from, I have an idea based on my own experiences. I remember those days- the awkwardness, the constant contradictions of being told to be an adult about things, yet still need permission to go to the bathroom. Middle school was the worst, and I remember wondering if "real life" was going to be like this- friends just deciding to pretend fight with each other, just to see whose side you'd pick...stupid stuff like that. And as much as I think I would have hated to hear "it'll get better" at the time, I think it would have helped, if even just a little. So while some people I know are still stuck in that immature way of going about things, I'm smart enough to stay away from the drama...and at least I don't have to ask to go to the bathroom anymore.

<3

Anonymous said...

It's posts like these that remind me why you're so amazing, Hayley! I respect you so much for your honesty. Thank you.

kate said...

seriously, i'm almost in tears.
thank you so much.

Louise said...

Thank you so much Hayley. I've been told what you've said many times, but it's difficult to believe it from adults who haven't been my age in ages. Thank you. :] <3

Callidora said...

You and your commenters are angels who always manage to make me feel a little better. Thank you.
:o)

caliowin said...

Thanks for sharing that. I suffer from very low days ever since when I was 10 my best friend turned around and told me she hated me, and then for the first two years of secondary school (age11-13) I was bullied and had no good friends. I was made to feel that I'm not good enough, and sometimes it's really hard to believe that I am. I then moved away from that area and made plenty of friends. Now I'm at university, I have lots of friends, a loving boyfriend and have moved to a new city, but some days I feel so down i just don't want to get out of bed or just see any one. Today is one of those days. I miss my boyfriend so so badly, its physically painful and just thinking about him makes me cry. I know I'll see him Friday, but I haven't seen him for awhile due to long distance and other commitments. I hate days like this, I want to be happy and carefree but all I want to do is get in my car and drive to him. I can't do this though, as on Tuesday and Wednesday I have compulsory labs, which I have to attend or I fail my course.

The stupid thing is that I know I'll probably be as happy as Larry tomorrow.

For me Hayley, seven, eight and nine were great years. I was good at school, had lots of friends and was a very happy child :) I wouldn't go back though because life is about moving forward and not backwards.

Love your blog Hayley, I hope you'll keep up the frequency after BEDA as I'll be sad not being able to read about your day and funny anecdotes each and every morning (im in the UK) before I head into uni.

loveacrosstheocean said...

ive read all the comments prior to mine, and i feel like everything i wanted to say has been typed in one comment or another, so i just wanted to let you know that i click on the ads every time i come here. even though im not interested in what they're selling, i feel like you deserve to make (some) money from your writing (now.) <3

TommyKay said...

I hope to God you're right. The belief that moving away from here will solve all my problems is the one thing that keeps me going most of the time, but even that doesn't seem good enough sometimes.

Brenna said...

I think the worst part is knowing it will get better, but having to wait through the indefinable amount of time until it does.

Anna M. said...

this almost made me cry.
thank you so much for sharing this, I've always felt weak and obsessive for stressing over little things, determined to prove myself. I'm glad I'm not alone

-anna m

Abby said...

Here I sit, in my sophomore year chemistry class in high school. And it's been a long day that began at 4 AM for reasons all to lengthy to explain here, but needless to say, I'm exhausted. And reading this made me start crying.
I haven't had the easiest time in high school, and I know that nobody does. But it's getting better and I'm fighting out of my depression. I've conquered (mostly) my eating disorder and I'm so much happier these days. But I have relapses. I know it's not going to be bright and cheery every day, but sometimes I forget what it feels like to even have ONE bright and cheery day. So thank you, Hayley, for sharing yours with me to remind me that it's gonna be okay. One day will be better, and if it's not tomorrow, I just have to keep waiting for the next one.

It means a lot from you, even when everybody else has said it before. I guess because I sort of suffered through your bad days with you via this blog. But for whatever reason, I'm now crying in my chem class so I should probably stop writing this and go to the bathroom before somebody notices.

Anonymous said...

Hayley, thank you so much for writing this. I know what you mean about feeling that way during elementary school, middle school and even high school. In fact, looking back I was never really comfortable or truly happy until the second semester of my senior year. Then I graduated and had to leave everything when I moved away to college. I'm a sophomore in college now and the past year and half has been really, really rough. I've had to deal with depression and got pretty low. It was really hard, and I totally get what you said about having a good life but still feeling so sad. Now I feel like things are falling into place. I am starting to truly feel happy again, and even though I'm kind of scared it will come back I feel like I can deal with it better. It just means a lot that you were brave enough and kind enough to share this. It's always been a comfort to know that other people are experiencing the same things as me and that people aren't really all that different. You're a genuinely good person. Thanks again.
-Alyssa

April said...

I can't wait until you get a book published. Seriously, don't let anyone, ever, tell you you're not a good writer. It's what you were born to do. Thank you for everything you give to the internet.

Afton said...

Hayley,thank you so much for this blog post. I always feel like I need to prove myself. It can be grades or sports but I need to be the best. I wind up obsessing over details no one else cares about. Hayley, you're not the only one that has gotten sick over schoolwork. I cried last week over a spanish test and I'm almost 16 years old you would think that I would be able to handle the little extra stress, but no I have to let it get out of control. So basically thank you so much for this blog.

RhianonLives said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RhianonLives said...

I started reading this post with an "oh well, it couldn't hurt" type of attitude; even though I like you a lot, I assumed it'd be one of those things, you know - when someone begins to feel a bit awkward in high school or goes through a bad time socially for a couple of years and begin to describe themselves as "depressive". And then I got to the paragraph about childhood and my jaw dropped, literally. It's something I think about all the time, how impossible it seems to me that everyone else's childhood was fun and games and mine was so horrible. I was constantly haunted by existencial panics that some people don't experience in their whole life before I was old enough to write my name. And even though I'm happy now and my life is perfect, I've always thought I was broken because of all those things that still make me that kid. And, honestly, it's not like reading a blog post can change that; it's not like I'm less upset about the fact that I felt and feel those things; but reading this made me realize I'm not the only one. All the things you said, I've been through them all, except my time of finding myself and being truly happy is now, during my last year of high school. So, you know what? Maybe I'm lucky.
Thanks, Hayley! This post meant a lot to me.

lanna-lovely said...

I completely get that, all those feelings... I actually can't remember a time where I was ever completely happy, this weird fear/emptyness/anxiety/sadness/ache has always been there under the surface and even at the happiest times in my life I would just stop and look around and see other people being happy and it was like I was drowning in a fish bowl, cut off from it all.

The wishing I was younger thing, it's not because I remember being younger as being all rainbows and butterflies... it's just it was less bad than it is now. I was less pessimistic and my dad died when I was 10 which is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and is most of the reason why I'm so screwed up, so when I wish I was younger again it's because it means going back to... well, before the worst, I guess.

Scott said...

That was so honest and relatable. I identify with this so much. For a long time, I felt so empty inside. Not so much sad, but anxious and self-depreciating and lonely-even-though-you're-in-a-room-full-of-people. People would say that the sun will come out tomorrow, and I would want to tell them to get stuffed.

But then one day, miraculously and to my disbelief, the sun did come out. I feel happy and purposeful. And while memories still suck, I can take them with a grain of salt knowing that I'm a stronger person because of it.

Thanks for writing this. x

Kendra Logan said...

I love your blog! This is great!

~Kendra

Anonymous said...

I can't put into words how much reading this has helped me.

The way you explained how you have felt is so similar to how I have been feeling for several years. I had always thought it was just me.

Thank you for being so open and honest. Now I know I'm not alone.

bouncyangel said...

As someone who also suffers from mild depression, I applaud you for posting this...I sometimes find it...I'm not sure...embarrassing to talk about? I shouldn't, I know; there is nothing wrong with it, but I think the potential social stigma...
I know exactly what you mean about childhood. I'm really not sure if more people do have a better childhood than I did (emotionally, I mean, my childhood was wonderful in terms of my family, friends, even school mostly), or if it's just the normal nostalgia thing - if things aren't great now the past always seems like it was better than it was.

Pip said...

Hayley, I'm so glad you wrote this post. As someone who has been struggling with actual clinical depression for several years, I think it's really important for people to know that it's OK to feel sad. It doesn't make you a freak and it doesn't make you weak. You aren't alone. I didn't know this for a long time.

Depression is a very personal topic for me. I think it's a great thing to have a positive role model like you write about it. Thank you, Hayley!

eibbore said...

Thanks

Hope said...

It seems like you are always putting into words the things that I know are true but just can't verbalize. Thank you. So much. It is very reassuring to know that I am not the only lonely, stressed-out teenager out there - because it sure seems that way sometimes.

Brynne Annaë said...

Thank you for this, Hayley. I went through a similar thing in high school, with a similar personality, I think, and with the added layer of borderline anorexia. I remember one time when I was sixteen my mum came in to say goodnight and found my crying over nothing and she hugged me and said, "In a few years, you're going to look back and wish you could tell yourself that things will get better. I promise." I didn't believe her then, but I do now.

And looking back over my childhood, I can't pinpoint the exact moment when life got miserable. Was it at 9, when my family left Pennsylvania and all my best friends, most of whom I haven't seen since then? Was it at 13, when I angsted my heart out over a boy who didn't like me, at 15 when my grandpa nearly died and when the beginnings of the eating disorder stirred, at 16 when I got my heart genuinely broken? All I know is that regardless of when the real depression hit, I don't think I was happy for more than a week at once from the time I hit double digits to the day I left for college.

But I've been at college for, what, eight months now, and with the exception of a week early on when my uncle died, I've been HAPPY. Startling revelation! So I wish I'd heard this at 16, if only to know that my mum wasn't wrong.

billowycapeofdoom said...

I've been going through it for most of high school and I have a friend who has as well. And I'm always telling her that it will get better or whenever any of my friends are, I tell them that because really we do have our whole lives ahead of us. I feel like such a hypocrite sometimes because I don't like to hear my friends telling me the same thing, but I always try to remember that it will get better. Thanks for sharing. (:

Carina said...

Thanks Hayley <3 it really means a lot that you can talk about this. God knows I struggle with it to, and you can actually put the awfulness into words. You are a gift, seriously.

The Blazing Snow said...

I wish there was a youtube-esque way to favourite certain blog posts on here to refer back to in your deepest, darkest, most troubled moments.

Hayley. Just. *silent nod, filled with respect*

Kai said...

I hate when people just say that these years don't matter! I mean, you're expected to make crazy life decisions in high school, and pile all of the extra pressure of being a teenager and having to do good in school and have friends!
Sorry I can't just wait for it to pass, because I still have to live until then!
Thanks Hayley for making us feel like one day it will get better, because as a freshman, it really doesn't seem so.

Megha Patel said...

Thanking you for posting this, Hayley. I love the way you word things, it just makes so much more sense. I feel like that many times and I've always heard people say "Your life will get better", "It's okay, just live." But I can't. For some reason, the way you say what you said made me understand a little bit more and feel a little bit more relaxed that it will get better. Thank you so much, Hayley. You're truly amazing.

holly lansley said...

this was both heartbreaking & hopeful. honestly made me tear up.
you write beautifully. you are beautiful :)

Manda said...

Firstly, woah! Look at all the comments... And secondly, look at the tears in my eyes from reading your blog, and all these comments. It must be slightly overwhelming to feel such an outpour of gratitude and release on account of your blog. I am seriously so proud of you - though we've never met and you live on the other side of the world. You are a wonderful role model and a great example that us "irresponsible youth" aren't all so bad. We can be crazy, fun and loud, but we can also have insight, relate to eachother and help people.

Much love and respect for you Miss Hoover.

kira902k said...

I'm glad you made this post. See, sometimes you talk about how you feel guilty about your blog being a place for you to whine or show off about your life, but that's not what it is at all.
It's this. It's one teenager sharing what she's learned to a load of other teenagers, and helping them through their bad times.
So thank you.
<3

Anonymous said...

Thank you Haley. While I have never met you I feel like I know you pretty well through your blog and videos. You do the things I hope to do as I get older such as pursuing a career in writing. As someone I admire it's nice to know that you can do what you despite depression makes me believe that maybe I can do the things I dream of doing despite my ADD and Anxiety Disorders. Also that strong over whelming desire to prove yourself- I totally get that. It's great to know that you're happy right now and I hope that this feeling continues for a very long time.

JawaKitten said...

I have depression, too, so I know how much it can affect your life. And, I know how hard it is to explain to those who don't share the disorder. Thank you for trusting us.

Marie said...

I really appreciate this post, Hayley. I can vaguely remember a time in my life when I was truly happy, and sometimes I think it didn't really happen at all. Right now especially I'm going through a lot and during the past year things have gotten significantly worse. The beginning of all I've been dreading is happening in the next couple days and it's been so hard, not being able to really talk to anyone about it- my friends have their own problems. I've never thought I've actually suffered from depression and it only just occurred to me that I'm not simply upset about everything going on, that it's worse than that. Nothing seems all that enjoyable anymore and I don't want to do /anything/. Going to school is torture because all I want to do is get away from people, but when I'm at home I feel so lonely. Even in school, with my friends, I feel lonely.

Anyway, I'm not trying to dump my issues on you- just saying that this means a lot to me and that I hope soon I can find the happiness you've reached (and quite rightly deserve).

Sarah SF said...

I know it's been said, but you are incredibly inspiring Hayley. It takes a lot of courage to display all your thoughts and feelings on the internet for strangers to see, and from reading the comments it looks like you've helped a lot of people, including me. You show true traits of a Gryffindor. Whenever I'm feeling down or depressed, I come and re-read your blog posts. I've only commented once or twice, but I just want to say thank-you, for everything.

Bethany said...

I am just glad I am not the only one who has felt depression. I always thought why am I so depressed I don't have any close friends and I literally get sick and shaky in the morning getting ready for school.

Jess said...

This is one of the things that just need to be said. Thanks for saying it.

Sabrina said...

What do you do until it gets better?

Emma said...

Your openness and complete honesty about who you are astounds me, in a good way. You're awesome, Hayley Hoover.

Jackieh :] said...

I feel like out of all the people I watch on youtube, you're the one person really tapped into human emotion. I guess that's good for a writer? :)

You know what I hate the most? Is when people would tell me how much worse other people have it. As if telling me that children in Africa are dying of AIDS is going to make the pain I feel go away.

Thank you. Just...thank you.

Alice said...

Elementary school was hell, middle school was slightly better. Everyone says "it all gets better in highschool" but why do I still feel alone? But at least we know that we're all alone together

sarah said...

i really hope you do more blogs like this. it really helps to reminded im not alone, and that things will turn around. thank you :)

Maggie said...

Hayley, the sincerity of this post makes me want to cry. I'm fifteen now and when I was 13 and 14 I didn't have any good friends. I've always needed people to like me. It's one of my many quirks, that and needing ketchup on my pizza. That's what I would do. I didn't have any friends. In gym when we would partner up and everyone would go to their best friend I would just try not to be the last person without a partner. I was smart but besides asking me for help on a school project I felt alone. I would ask myself if people would cry when I died. It sounds all depressing but I'm not depressed, I'm actually a really happy person. I wanted to know why no one was my best friend but I had no body to ask as I didn't have a best friend to ask that question to. So I covered up the fact that no one wanted to hang out with me after school by being smart and socially awkward to the point it was funny. Now I have two best friends and I have realized that it wasn't me that was repelling other people I just needed to meet new people.
And I want to thank you because deep down in me there is this 13 year old girl who just wants friends and for once she feels like everything thing will be okay. Thanks.

Sallie said...

Wow, this really hit home.
You are an amazing writer.
Thank you.

Chelsea said...

Elementary school for me was tolerable. My best friend was one of the most popular girls in school, but I, however, was not, thus resulting in me being a target to knock out of the way. And there were rough moments, and stupid fights, and incidents with teachers who didn't understand the context of the situation and Why-should-I-say-sorry-to-those-girls-they-hate-me. I got through it, though... I didn't know anything else.

But I liked being a kid. The last years of my childhood were 100% resisting growing up. I did everything in my power to not take the path of least resistance like my peers, who were shaving their legs before they had hair and wearing make-up and getting cell phones and "going out." So middle school for me was hell. Pure hell. And coming from someone with a near spotlessly-clean vocabulary, that's the only way to describe it.

I was picked on for the way I looked by complete strangers. My close friends weren't in any of my classes. I was surrounded by kids from all backgrounds- mothers who weren't old enough to drive, kids who did drugs, smart kids, poor kids, you name it- but my friendships were of convenience. And I isolated myself from everyone outside of school, because I didn't want to become a "typical teenager."

This caused some hardships for me later on; eventually I was hindering my happiness by not letting myself enjoy whatever age I was, always wishing I turn back the clock, not because it was easy, but because it meant childhood, and safety.

I know what it feels like to hit that stride where you're in a good place. High school was just okay until I made friends who had similar interests. But they aren't friends I want to keep for the rest of my life. They haven't always been the best, but when I've needed them, they've mostly delivered. More importantly, they've taught me that there are people out there who I can connect with, and now I'll have the social skills to do it.

I'm envious that you will never forget how you felt in those moments of your younger self. Middle school was so awful for me, forgetting came without any conscience effort on my part. Why would I want to relive that? Once I found a better place, a better peace of mind, I could let go.

But I've also lost a lot of the feeling of the magic of childhood. It's still there, vaguely, but not like it used to be.

That's the foundation of who I am at this point in time. It's not in the forefront of my mind anymore, but I won't forget it, not truly.

I'd apologize for the length of this comment, but I trust that you really do care about your readers and won't see it as an annoyance. I thank you for opening the conversation- It's a sacred one, but also an important one.

Chrystie said...

Hayley, Thanks for sharing! I've been talking a lot about depression lately. I think that sometimes people are afraid to talk about it because they see it was a weakness. I think it's great that you feel comfortable enough to share that. It rings true with so many people, including me. Also, I know what you mean about the internet knowing you better than some people irl. I feel that way sometimes too. It's easier to share when you're writing. It's so much easier to organize your thoughts. Plus, you don't have that overwhelming sense of being judged or rejected by strangers. Love you!

Claire said...

You're so brave. Thank you.

...This is why you need to publish a book. All of these experiences have made you that much better of a writer.

Suburban Sweetheart said...

I have no idea whether you read these comments or whether you maybe think it's creepy when people you only-sort-of-used-to-know in real life read your blog & comment on it, but... I feel like I could've written this post, like it's in my voice & my words & my feelings & thoughts.

I, however, am either blessed or cursed with a fairly terrible memory. I know how I felt but I don't remember what happened - which makes it easier to forget, to overlook, to be optimistic. I don't remember my eraser-through-the-paper moments. But I do spend a lot of time, though, thinking about the fact that I don't remember any of the things now that hurt me so much then. Those things turned into new things that hurt the same, but those things... they all change, fade, become something new. They hurt, but they're not life-altering in & of themselves.

My ex-boyfriend killed himself five years ago. I wonder a lot whether he'd remember, now, the things that tortured him then. I can't remember what tortured ME then, & I was almost as bad off as he was. Realizing that helps me try to see every problem as transient...

Anyway, thanks for writing this, for us as much as for yourself.

Larangutang said...

Thank you Hayley. I'm in high school now and I thought I was going to enjoy it even a little bit, but I'm really not. Everything is so stressful and I just want it to be over. And the middle school thing is totally true too, I don't miss those days at all. I do miss pre school and elementary school though. Those were very pleasant experiences for me. :]
You are really great at putting your thoughts into words. Thank you for doing what you do! :D

thebrookereview said...

As I much as I love to read your happy posts and to hear how great of a time you're having, I really loved this entry. It shows that you're just like everyone else (not that I had any doubts :) ) and that you don't put on a façade for anybody. Love you Hayley!

Anonymous said...

I read this before I went to school this morning but at that time of morning (around 6:30) I have the ability to process information but not to spit info back. This is the most honest, touching, raw post I have read on your blog (and I've read them all) and I want to thank you for sharing so much of yourself with your readers. So now that I've responded to this post and read every tweet on the "ThingsHayleySed" Twitter, I guess it's time to do my math homework. THANK YOU!

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for forever, but I've NEVER left a comment. This called for one. I just feel like we have so much in common. I've gone through depression all my life, but like you, I've been in a really good, content place lately. But growing up in a household filled with depression and experiencing the suicide of a family member is something I'll probably never get over. And I'll probably always carry the sadness with me on some level. I still suffer from anxiety.

It's just lessens the suffering ever so slightly every time I hear that someone else knows what it's like.

Your blog is important, Hayley. Know that.

Dana said...

Hayley...thank you. Just, thank you. I don't want to feel angst-y and mopey and stereotypical teen, but I just can't stop the emotions sometimes. I'm a happy, fortunate, grateful person and I always feel so bad when I feel bad about the tiniest things. No matter how much the adults in my life tell me to keep strong, it means a whole lot coming from you. Thank you.

Tina said...

One thing that you wrote really struck a chord with me.
The part about high school friendships being transient. I've always felt that way. I'm graduating in a few weeks and am leaving with only a few real friends in tow. I honestly feel that I've only made a connection with one new person within the last four years. The other friendship I feel secure about is with my best friend of 11 years.
I have other friends but I don't consider them to be people that I'm close with.
I feel guilty viewing all of these people as passersby in my life instead of considering them to be worthy of my friendship.
I know it's too late to change that and while I feel like I'm better for it now, I don't want to keep feeling this way.
Was it difficult for you to change that perception when it came to making friends in college? Or do you only view them as transient now that you've moved on to another stage in your life?

Anonymous said...

Hayley,

I have no way to explain how amazing that was. I totally believe you. Amidst my confused, frustrated self and my friend who has suddenly become severely, severely depressed, your blog gives me this little sliver of hope and light that makes me smile on the insides just a little.

Luci said...

I know you have something like 150 people saying exactly this, but, Hayley, thank you.
I feel so guilty, because I know I have a good life, but I just... well, you know.

StephTheBookworm said...

That was wonderful and courageous for you to share.

annaface said...

I feel like this comment should have more substance than the question I'm about to ask, as this is a pretty substantial post, at least its material is, but it won't: Being a huge Chipotle fan, what's your take on Qdoba? I mean, if you've been there. [I even checked to see if they have them in Ohio so I wouldn't look like an idiot asking]

Kaylin Smite said...

This was one of my favorite blogs you have ever wrote :)
When I was little ( I am 14 now) I was in depression it felt like too. I never had good friends, never felt like I was pretty enough or funny enough or anything. I wanted desperately (cannot effing spell) to be cool and to have tons of friends. I rarely talked, and when I did, I would stutter so badly (I have a stuttering problem), people would not want to talk to me.
But in 7th grade(last year), I started becoming more...daring? Open minded? I don't know, I just felt better about myself and started making comments in class and making friends. I was amazed that just by being friendly, I could make friends! WHOA!
The friends I had before were not very friendly and left me for cooler, non-stuttering people.
These friends though were funny, nerdy, awesome people that I love and love me back. Sorry I rambled and told you my life story, but I got inspired by your blog. I loved it. I still sometimes feel depressed, but it's no where near as bad as when I was young. Thank you for sharing this with us, you truely are an amazing person Hayley :D

TheBlaireWitch said...

I do hate that you're saying that, but I love it at the same time.
I want to be so optimistic, but it's hard, y'know?
The "want to go home" thing happens to me all the time, too.
Thanks for sharing this. It does make things a little better, know that I'm not alone.

Winona said...

Thank you for sharing this, Hayley. I've reread this twice now, and each time it has truly touched me. I've suffered from anxiety my whole life, and right now I am under an extraordinary amount of stress from school, so I've been somewhat of a wreck lately. Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god. So proud of you right now.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god. So proud of you right now.

Elaine said...

Aren't one-way relationships weird? You know absolutely nothing about me.


Thank you.

Kara said...

Even though I'm completely past high school, I find myself occassionally falling into this world of depression and anxiety. I'm in one of these funks at the moment. Although, reading this has helped, so, thanks.

I love reading your blog!

Charlotte said...

Sometimes I'm not sure what to make of you, but what you have written here is really what I have needed to hear for years. You have no idea how much I relate to this- I guess the difference is I've never been able to put it into words.
I hope it gets better. Because, as you've said; I'm at a stage where I need to make life changing decisions and to be honest I'm not ready. And I'm frightened.
I hope it gets better too. I don't want to burden you in a blog comment- god knows if you'll even read this, I bet there are a thousand comments just like this one- so I'll just leave you with my best wishes.

Anonymous said...

Thank you.

I'll try and remember this next time I'm on a bad day wandering aimlessly around school. Free sessions seem like more of a curse a lot of the time.

x

Teresa Aguiar said...

Hayley, Hayley... you're the best! You're just plain awesome :)
I'm glad you're happy! And I hope it lasts!
Love from Portugal!

Anonymous said...

This really got through to me. It sounds just like me. Thank you so much for sharing this. It's helped me to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this.

Anonymous said...

This really got through to me. It sounds just like me. Thank you so much for sharing this. It's helped me to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this.

GEORGINA said...

<3

Caroline said...

Every time I watch your videos and read your blog posts, I feel like I find a new similarity between me and you. Yes, we both died our hair pink and love vegetarian burritos and adore Harry Potter. But we've also both struggled with depressive tendencies.
Last year was a really not good time of my life, but it was also the same year that I discovered the vlogbrothers/5AG.
I know you probably get this all the time, but you make me so happy :)

Anonymous said...

Hayley, I really admire you for writing this. In middle school and high school, I suffered from severe depression. Like you, I am in college now and I am a significantly happier person. But unlike you, I've never had the courage to talk about my depression with anyone else. So, all I can say is "Thank You."

Anonymous said...

I needed this, Hayley.
Thank you.

Madeline said...

Hayley, you are an amazing person. Thanks for sharing your life with all of us.

Brianna said...

Well thank goodness. I'm in jr. high, and it SUCKS. But I'm glad someone understands- and remembers the pain, anxiety, stress, and embarressement.

Elana said...

This really helped, Hayley. Thanks for being awesome.

Dinah said...

Hayley, I totally get it.

I love the way you described your 6-year-old-self. I can definately relate. I distinctly remeber sitting in the car on the way to school when I was about eight and having what felt like an out of body experience.

When I flipped down the sun-visor and caught my reflection in the two inch mirror I found myself completely unrecognizable. I didn't FEEL like that person who was staring out at me from inside the mirror. I thought to myself "Who is she? Who am I? Wait, where am I? When will this feeling go away? If I look over at my mom now will I feel like myself again?"

I'm the type of person who's capable of having an existential crisis at the age of 8. My tendency is to worry, and to angst, and to let myself get worked up to the point that it can be harmful to my health and those around me.

Thanks for writing Hayley, thanks for helping us all get closer to you, and get closer to understanding ourselves.

Anonymous said...

Hayley, when I read this post on Sunday night, I was deeply touched. I have been struggling with depression for years and am just now finally making strides in becoming a happier person. But when I woke up this morning, I was once again consumed by the all too familiar feeling of sadness and emotional exhaustion... It took all my strength just to drag myself out of bed and make it to my classes. When I returned back to my dorm I read this entry again.. and I just want to thank you. It provides me comfort and hope at a time when I really need it.

TicTacKitCat said...

Thank-you Hayley, for just being so honest and giving everyone here a chance to just write down and tell people what's up with their lives <3

Anonymous said...

I know this is a late comment, but I read this the night you posted it and was just too lazy to actually reply, even though it brought a tear to my left eye and made me feel a little better.

I'm a sophomore in high school, and I've always really admired how comfortable you always seem and how cool you are and how you're so happy with your life. I want to be that way eventually- happy and comfortable. But right now, I'm not. I'm in high school, and it sucks in all the ways you described it, and the anxiety disorder I've suffered all my life holds me back.

To know that you, who I admire for many reasons, know exactly what that's like, helps me think that I will get through this. I can be happy. This feeling won't stay forever.

Your posts always inspire me a little, because of your wit and the way you write, and I want to be a writer myself. But this inspired me for a different reason. I could relate to it, identify with it, and I came away feeling just a little more confident in that I'll be okay.

Thanks.

TheGingerHermione said...

Hey Hayley.
I've been watching you on Youtube for awhile now, and ever since I started reading your blog I've felt kind of closer to you (but not in a creepy way).
I wasn't going to comment on his post because I was afraid other people wouldn't be sharing stories, or that I would seem melodramatic. But I feel like telling someone, and it's a lot easier to talk to someone online than someone who I don't have to deal with every day.

So all my life I've been bullied, lied to, abused, and unloved. My parents have abused me for as long as I can remember, but as much as I know I should I could never do or say anything that would make them out of my life. They buy me things to cover up for the fact that they really don't love me, but as if that changes things.
Starting in about grade 4, I started to find out that people really didn't like me. I went through soo many groups of friends, and they all pretended to like me, made me spill my secrets, then told me they hated me and sent me searching for new friends.
I went to SIX different schools before I found my awesome artsy high school.
Around 6th grade, I became depressed because of all my problems, and partway through grade 9, the pressures of school, friends, and my boyfriend I started to be suicidal.
The only solid things I have are my boyfriend who I've been with since December '08, and my best friend (who I rarely see, but talk to all the time) who I refer to as my brother.
I'm still depressed, and just yesterday I came close to killing myself, but since i promised Jesse (the boyfriend) that I wouldn't think suicidal thoughts, I've been a lot better.
Still, my eyes are permanently bloodshot and I'm tired all the time from crying too much.

Wow, sorry I complain to much, I'm trying to work on that...
Thanks for your honesty Hayley <3

cyclopaedia said...

I keep deleting my comment before I finish it. Thank you, Hayley. I think that's all I can really say right now. I think I'm the worst I have ever been and my erratic and uncontrollable behaviour/anxiety attacks/meltdowns are scaring even me. You have reminded me that the lows are only lows because there are highs, which I often manage to conveniently forget when things are bad. And I've been through so much worse, I've been through high school. So I can get through this.

Emma said...

hey Hayley- I just wanted to say that I love Hayley G Hoover. I'm so glad I found 5AG, and your personal channel and The Hayleylujah Chorus. I love reading your blog, and I love watching your crazy funny Youtube videos. thanks for being you. because you really are an awesome girl.

Anonymous said...

I'm not going to pretend that I'm ALWAYS depressed, but a lot of the time I was. Every year in grade school I would tell myself, THIS year, I am not going to be shy. I will act more like how I am at home, and I will talk more.

...This never actually happened. Fortunately, I had (and still do have) an amazing best friend that has been with me since kindergarten and really helped me get through school.

I never had many friends, and even now, I only have a couple friends I can really confide in. But right now, I'm being thankful for those friends because I'm very lucky to have them.

Great blog post. <3

Anonymous said...

Wow,
Thank you

I have had momments like you have described and it makes me feel more normal to know that someone as Awsome as you has gone through that stuff too
but more than that
I thank you for giving me a better understanding of what my sister has to go through everyday

she has sever depression and for the most part I am suportive, but I'm human and there are times when I just get frustrated and I don't understand why she acts the ways she does

anyway your blog post helped me understand how my sister feels and thinks and I thank you for that gift

:] your a very sweet and kind girl who is changing the world (even just a little bit)with her heart and wit

Katpat said...

This might be just another comment on your page, that you might just glance at and think: "hey, someone liked my post or is actually reading it," but I just have to say, I know that feeling.
I've been in the same situation. It was horrible in the beginning years of high school, but fortunately God has worked through me to push me past most of it. I'm not completely happy and perfect. I still slip in and out of depression, but I'm not where I was, which was nearing suicidal.
I'm getting better each day. I see the growth I make, like when your mom used to line you up against a wall to measure you when you were young.
Go to: http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/risen/id366382666
for an ah-mazing talk on being lonely in today's society. You can go ahead and download the podcast that says "Values: Community" and if you don't want to listen to the whole thing (it is long!) then just click it to 18 minutes and listen to it from there.
It really helped me understand myself and why I draw back from people and put up this front of "false happiness" sometimes.
I hope you give it a shot . . . really.
and I apologize to anyone that read this commet and felt awkward at the mention of the word God, I can't help it, He runs my life, His name is going to slip out sooner or later . . .

baobabtrees said...

I think the reason people say those things is because they think about what their mistakes. If you're not one to dwell on your mistakes then you have it made post high school, but when you hit being an 'adult' you think about all of the things you could have been better at. I could have made straight A's, I could have gone to class and not messed up my Freshman year of college, I could be done with college by now and in a career or getting my Master's. Instead of being 24 and still having a year left on my Bachelor's degree. I'm just trying to help you see that side of things, but I think it is super awesome you're a voice for those people who are still struggling through middle school and high school. Now I just tell the kids that I look after to do well in school, because it really is a big deal/

I am just a stranger. said...

You will undoubtedly overpass this comment as if a bridge had been built over it so the government could make you ignore it, but I just felt like asking how does it get better? It's sudden like a revelation, or is it,like anything,a process of trial and error? I have been depressed for over 4 years and understand that it MIGHT eventually get better, but out of all seriousness, how can you know? You can't. Some people just are depressed and have no ambitions. Either way I take my life will be absolutely miserable. I could stick to my strict, religious family morals and end up either jumping off a bridge or hating my life even worse for not standing up to Agnostic 14 year-old me, or abandon my family morals only to have my family hate me and disown my corrupted mind. I like you, I think you're wonderful, but you had and have so many more opportunities than a Mexican, dull, and average looking female. I'm sure this helped someone, and thanks for that. I still think depression will stay with me. I'm one of those people who will end up living with depression so much, they like it. I really don't know what the point of this comment. I secretly want you to reply with the secrets to life and happiness. I suppose that will be my downfall. Hope.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being so open. Despite being in a happy phse myself atm, it always helps to know other people who have good lives and nothing drastically wrong with them have depression too. I used to feel so inadequate when I couldn't cope with my life, whetreas people who actually had bad things happening in their lives seemed fine.
Sorry about the ramble. Basically, just thanks

Anonymous said...

I've had depression problems for a year and a half now, and for the last three months I have been on medication for it. My best friend was really sick, and when it got really bad the depression became to slowly enter my life, but it wasn't until she passed away that it was a full-blown problem. I didn't want to do anything with my day and i just sat in my room. my mom finally got sick of me and sent me to a therapist, and the medicine has def been working. I really wish i was able to just wort of break out of it like you did because i don't like the idea of medicine but hopefully one day i can stop taking it (:

Madeline said...

(I feel weird leaving a comment on something written so many months ago... but, the stuff in it is still entirely relevant now.)

This made me cry. I'm probably over-emotional due to my being a woman. But... still. I feel ya. I actually had a pretty miserable childhood. Like. Lifetime movie/novel material. So many events! So much emotion!
But I'm very much at peace right now and have been for months. I finally feel okay with myself and things that happened in the past, and am living in the present totally and completely.
It really does get better.
Now to just... keep it this way. This. Healthy outlook.

(Knowing you wrote this a while ago, I do hope you're still feeling lovely. I'm catching up on your blog, so I guess I'll find out soon.)

Anonymous said...

Hi Hayley. I just read your depression blog post a few minutes ago. I am going through chronic depression right now and it's awful and I feel alone and it's good to know that you are happy now because that gives me hope. I am a senior in high school and we are asked to make life altering decisions about college and what we want to do with our lives, and I'm incredibly overwhelmed and anxious. I'm thinking of taking a year off because I don't want to go to college this miserable. I don't know what to do. Thank you for this blog post. It helps a lot.

Anonymous said...

I've always had a difficult life...

Surprisingly, I'm one of those people who would rather be 6 than 20. What makes that so outlandish is that my childhood was peppered with all kinds of abuse. What I remember the most, though, was the lightheartedness. My childhood reality consisted of a lot of fractures and cracks, but the sunshine illuminated them. Now, those fractures and cracks are still there, but it's eerily dark.

I realize though that, as adults, we control our reality instead of being controlled by the world. This is true. I have a long healing journey ahead. Being an adult isn't suppose to be painful. It's suppose to be the beginning of my real life. But, I have to set that hurt inner child free before I can be anything......

One step at a time.

ceshi said...

NHL Trades 2013: The Biggest Dealers of the Season | Bleacher Report
At 3 p.m. EDT on Wednesday, Apr
New England Patriots jerseys. 3, the NHL trade deadline will be upon us. At that time, the rosters will all but locked as we hit the final stretch toward the 2013 NHL playoffs.The question is, who have been the biggest dealers of the season thus far?We've seen blockbuster trades that have sent mainstays to new homes. We've also seen quiet deals that have significantly improved rosters, whether by way of the addition of youth or All-Star players.Regardless of how it went down, numerous teams made the most of their opportunities to execute trades.Anaheim DucksKelvin Kuo-USA TODAY SportsKey Acquisitions: David Steckel, C; Kyle Wilson, C; Harry Zolnierczyk, LWKey Losses: Ryan Lasch, RW; Kevin Marshall, D; Dan Sexton, RWThe Anaheim Ducks haven't put together the star-studded trade season that others on this list have achieved. With that being said, the Ducks have pulled off three separate trades thus far.They've landed David Steckel, Kyle Wilson and Harry Zolnierczyk
Dallas Cowboys jerseys.Steckel, although inconsistent in terms of production, has been reunited with former coach Bruce Boudreau. The two were together with the Washington Capitals from 2005 to 2011.Steckel, a center, should provide valuable depth.Wilson briefly played for Boudreau. He too will provide depth, thus joining Steckel and Zolnierczyk as bottom-line depth.Zolnierczyk, an enforcer, could play a role in similar situations.Calgary FlamesRich Lam/Getty ImagesKey Acquisitions:2013 First-Round Draft Choice (x2)Key Losses:Jay Bouwmeester, D; Jarome Iginla, RWThe Calgary Flames have been one of the most active teams in the league when it comes to the NHL trade deadline. They've dealt two All-Stars, including the face of the franchise.In return, they've landed two first-round draft choices.On Mar. 28, the Flames traded franchise player Jarome Iginla to the Pittsburgh Penguins in exchange for prospects Kenneth Agostino, Ben Hanowski and a first-round draft pick (viaNHL.com). This comes after Iginla spent more than 15 years with the Flames.Iginla had previouslyvetoed a tradeto the Boston Bruins.On Apr. 1, the Flames traded All-Star defenseman Jay Bouwmeester to the St
Green Bay Packers jerseys. Louis Blues (via Yahoo! Sports). In return, they landed Mark Cundari, Reto Berra and a first-round draft choice.An active trade season, to say the very least NFL shirts.Pittsburgh PenguinsJustin K. Aller/Getty ImagesKey Acquisitions: Jarome Iginla, RW; Brenden Morrow, LW; Douglas Murray, DKey Losses: Joseph Morrow, DThe Pittsburgh Penguins are an elite team that is fronted by NHL points leader Sidney Crosby. The Penguins also have top 10 goal scorers Chris Kunitz, James Neal and Pascal Dupuis.They became significantly stronger with three huge trades.As previously alluded to, the Penguins acquired right wing Jarome Iginla. Iginla, a six-time All-Star, has 525 career goals and 570 assists.He's also a two-time Olympic gold medalist, playing alongside Crosby in 2010, and owns 161 power-play goals and 210 power-play assists.Pittsburgh also acquired left wing Brenden Morrow
Baltimore Ravens jerseys. Morrow, 34, has accumulated 243 career goals and 285 assists.That includes 79 power-play goals and 64 power-play assists. Morrow won a 2010 Olympic gold medal with Crosby and Iginla.Furthermore, the Penguins landed defenseman Douglas Murray, thus rounding out a major crop of impact trades.