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Sunday, May 3, 2009

Emotional backpack

"A good name is more valuable than precious perfume, in the same way the day of death is better than the day you were born." -Ecclesiastes 7:1

I'm writing this with the sour, raw feeling in my head reminiscent of when I'm trying not to cry. A million little things seem to be dumping themselves one by one into the metaphorical backpack of emotions that I have to haul uphill in high humidity for an unspecified amount of time. What did I call this before? Oh yeah, notsome.

Items in my backpack at the present time:
1) My score on the English test I wrote about two days ago is detrimental to my grade in the class, and as the AP exam is next week, our assignments for the course are pretty much done, and there isn't much more chance to improve. I don't want to turn this into a petty teenaged issue and place all the blame for my inferior work on the teacher, but I've been thinking about my relationship with her lately, and I've had some personal insights. She has me for both AP English, in which we write long, complex essays on a daily basis, and for Newspaper, in which I turn in articles every single Friday, and I have never-- not even once-- received a positive comment on a writing assignment. I've gotten perfect scores on papers, and I've received accolades throughout the school for editorials, and I've led class literature discussions, but I have never-- not even one-- gotten so much as a "nice job" or a "well-written." I understand that if she perceives a cocky attitude in me, she doesn't want to encourage it. But I don't think I come off that way at all! I've never mentioned to her that I'm in a book, or spoke to her about my internet life, or bragged to her about my relationships with authors I admire, or brought up NaNoWriMo. I've made effort not to act bigheaded about my love for writing, because if a teacher thinks I'm talented, I want her to come to that conclusion on her own. But honestly? I've written some brilliant pieces for those classes. It's my passion and reason for living, and this woman, whose passion is to encourage young people to pursue their gifts, has never found a single chance in a whole year to let me know she laughed at a line or liked a point made in an essay. I know that my performance on a test has nothing to do with my personal relationship with the grader, but I think I have reason to be upset about the classes as a whole. This teacher also, for example, thinks I'm an ecstatically happy person, when I did poorly in Newspaper last grading period because I was too miserably depressed to lift my head. She also thinks Jess (who she's had three years) goes by Jessica. So.

2) I started attending my church before I could talk. I've been in the same company, in the same building, twice a week for the past eighteen years. Our pastor is like an uncle to me: he convinced me to go on a bike-riding retreat when I was little and (if you can even grasp this concept) less athletic than I am now. He was present for every single family crisis. He officiated my sister's marriage, and will mine. The man is a wonderful, brilliant, real, flawed person, and I love him dearly. Unfortunately, the United Methodist Church as a whole attempts to work in the best interest of all its members, so when a minister has done great things for an individual church but is, after many years, appearing to flatline, they will sometimes require that the minister go somewhere new where they can be of more assistance. Basically, the higher powers that be are, in a way, asking a sort of retirement of my pastor. This summer, he'll be moving a few hours away to indefinitely work a different kind of job, and it's suggested that his current church family keep contact with him to a minimum for a while, so as not to show an unfair bias against the new pastor, and to not be selfish. The system isn't evil or anything; they're looking out for the greater good, trying to breathe life in new places and not let things get stale. This means, however, some pretty awful stuff for my family. My mother and the pastor's wife have been working together at the church for twelve years, and are best friends with the intensity of me and Jess. And for the "greater good of the United Methodist system in our area," my mom will be separated from her best friend in the world at the same time her last of four children will move out. My mom loves what she does, but she's been working for a long time, and she's exhausted. So now, at the time she needs her best friend most, and she needs her coworker to keep her afloat, everything is going to change against her will and power. It's heartbreaking to think about. On top of that, when I come home from college, my church will not be the same one I left. We'll have a new, young, very different pastor who, if he ever even has the time to learn my name, will have not taught me to ride a bike with handlebar brakes. He won't have seen me lose my baby teeth, or baptized me, or hugged me when my grandpa died. I just feel like... like the government is burning down my house and leaving an IOU.

3) Again, every Sunday night since I was about twelve, I've met at the church for what we call small groups. I've been getting together with my friends (and not just Church Friends-- these are Jess and Lauren and Sarah, among about six others) and my godmother-figure to talk about life, study a Bible verse, and hang out every single week. It's our only absolutely unchanging, stable social date to guarantee each other uninterrupted time, and it's been happening since we all had braces on our teeth. I can't even picture a world without small group. The impact these people have had on my life is positively immeasurable. But alas. We have one college freshman, one high school sophomore, and the rest are high school seniors. Our leader has been far too close with us to take on another group, so Elise, the sophomore, will be groupless next year. Oh, yeah-- and I WILL NO LONGER HAVE MY SMALL GROUP. The most reliable positive influence of my life is coming to an end. Our leader brought this up tonight, and as I walked into my house, I nearly fainted. There are few, few, few things more important to me than my small group. It's ending.

4) Oops, I did it again. I've nearly made myself a Girlfriend, and it's taken me until the last possible second to realize how desperately I do not want to be one. The main contributer to this (well, the one I feel comfortable enough to disclose to my blog readers) is the fact that he doesn't know the deep, intangible me. He knows the concept of Hayley Hoover from School: the girl he's flirted with intently since middle school, his costar in four musicals and six years of choir, the one who bounces up and down over Emily Dickinson in English and ignores everyone else for her tiny circle of friends. But in all actuality? Well, my small group was talking tonight about the different names we all hold. Like, I'm Hayley Hoover at school, and Hayley to my friends, Hayles and Haylsie to my family, Fuzzball to my brother, Miss Hayley at Royal Family Kids' Camp, and hayleyghoover to the internet. This boy knows Hayley Hoover, has a grasp on Hayles, and has a very vauge idea of hayleyghoover. And maybe that's the starting off point when you meet a new boy you're interested in, but that's not a relationship you jump into, thinking all the prerequisites were taken care of in the six years' preparation. If we were going to click on the sublime level of tight, functional love, it would have already happened. It hasn't, and it won't. I've been in love, and this situation has no potential for love. I can't stomach going through the motions of dating right now unless there's a needed give-and-take between us and kissing is intimate. Unfortunately, I don't really know how to break this news to him, having set the stage for boyfriend/girlfriending it. That'll be awkward.

5) I've been accidentally upsetting or abusing a lot of my friends lately. My friend, Sarah, is in a very serious relationship with our mutual friend (He's also our small group leader's son), and I've seen her so scarcely this school year that it's almost unbearable. Trying to make amends, she planned for my date and I to go with her and her boyfriend to prom. Well, the group soon filled up when another couple of our friends joined in, and then a few more, and then a few more... anyway, it turned into a huge event, made up mostly of people I don't know. At the same time, two friends of mine, neither of whom drive, needed another couple to go with, and as my date knew them better and would be more comfortable, we blew off Sarah. I saw her for a total of ten minutes last night. At the same time, I kept putting off recording some stuff for the new Parselmouths album, mostly because I still have difficulty combining Friend Kristina and Kristina Parselmouth in my head, and I was terrified. I'm totally comfortable with Friend Kristina in every possible way, but Kristina Parselmouth is a figure I've been anonymously admiring for years. I forgot about it after a while, even though she made many polite urging attempts to remind me, and it finally got the point that it was too late. I should have decided to tell her I couldn't help a long time ago, and now I've put her in a tight, nervous situation. Graham (my old close choir/musical friend/sort of neighbor) and Sarah Keeler (my old close internet friend/his fiance) came home for the weekend to work on things for their wedding, too, and I've let my prom stress and other problems get in the way of spending time with them. Other things are going on, too, and just... all in all, I'm sort of a sucky ass person right now.

Anyway, there are probably other backpack items I need to bring up, but it's late, and I need to go to bed. I've decided that un/sexy is optional from here on out, because a) it's hard to come up with them sometimes, and b) I'm tired. I'm going to stop tracking my weight because there's very little change in it from day to day, and I don't exactly want to think about that when it's avoidable. Therefore:

Chipotle burritos this year: 15
Subscribers: 15,781
Days left of high school: 16

Bye, guys. Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow. <3

51 comments:

Tessa said...

i love you hayley! i really feel for you right now. although change is sometimes exciting,it sometimes really sucks. and i know exactly what you mean about your teacher: i'm in situation that is the same.

Jordiekins said...

1)At least your English teacher gives you credit where it's due. Mine doesn't even know my name. I would understand if I was in a large class, but there are only 22 other people in it. =/ Last week, I turned in a "short-story" (read: 6 pages) that I had worked on and edited and drafted and edited and drafted for three weeks. I got a D+.
It's too late to transfer out now. FML.

2)I'm so sad to hear that, especially for your mom. I really don't understand why they would get rid of him. It seems so stupid. Bleh, "greater good"...

3)I know how you must feel. All of my Middle School friends got separated from me a few years ago. That's the problem with being in a magnet program, you don't all live in the same area/go to the same High School.

4)Uh, I'm a guy. Therefore, I have no advice. Sorry.

megkatjo said...

I'm taking that test next Thursday as well. AP English is always the strange AP test to take, because you can't really prepare for it [except for taking practice multiple choice tests and writing practice essays, which are just not fun at all]. Regardless, we all know that high school grades don't really matter that much past college acceptances. This time of the year is always so crazy, and as a fellow high school senior I too know how it feels for everything to be changing. It's especially crazy, as next week opens my last high school musical. We are two birds of a feather, Ms. Hoover.

Jordiekins said...

And I forgot five.

5) Your poor friend. I'm sure she'll understand, though. I would be veryveryvery happy to hear Hayleyghoover (the Hayley I "know") on the new Parselmouths album. Weddings are fun.

The end.

Phyllis said...

Everything has a way of working itself out. You'll be okay.

MmM CyNtHiA, OpInAnDo said...

Hayley, i hope ur backpack items will be more positive tomorrow, or as sooner as posible. !
Good luck, and good decisions.^^
Carpe Diem
Cynth

Faith said...

I go to a Methodist church as well, and we have been very lucky to have the same pastor since we've been going to our church (about 15 years; he started at this church around the same time we moved here.)

About the guy issue, at least you realized you weren't ready for/didn't want a boyfriend before you got into a relationship. I can't give much advice, however, since I've never had a boyfriend.

Katie said...

Hey, I've never left a comment before and I'm just a random, anonymous fan of your youtube channel...but I just wanted to say good luck managing your notsome metaphorical backpack of emotions. I stumbled across your blog a little while ago whilst procrastinating on final papers and studying for exams and I love reading what you have to say. Chin up! High school is almost over and college will probably be way better for you. I know it was for me.

Good luck! :)

Bigred719 said...

I just have to say that you write what i wish i could write on papers and to even tell other people.

I want to say don't worry. I am a freshman in college now, and I remember the end of senior year, the drama, the realizations that occur. It's tough. For me, it hit me all at once, and that probably the scariest thing ever. When you see that suddenly you're leaving your home, your life, and everything will be a little bit different.

This may sound bad, but there are things I miss about high school in that way. Because High school is constant, you know where you'll be, who you are, and where everything goes in life. You then get ready for college and everything happens.


Well sorry if this was redundant and not helpful at all, but things will work out. And besides, from what I know its best to keep the backpack closed, and stuff it in a closest until the end of senior year, to enjoy what you have left.

Daniel said...

Hayley... wow. That's one LARGE backpack. And... I really feel for you on all of those things. as for your english, keep writing amazingly like you always have. If that's what you love, then don't let some teacher discourage you. And as for your "friend" issue, maybe you should show him the real you. The you that has one incredible talent online (and from what it sounds like, offline). Show him the full, complete, unabridged you. And then maybe you'll find your REAL connection there. Anyways, I wish you luck with all of your decisions and issues. Good Luck!

allyson;; said...

I'm praying for you, dear.

"Psalm 55:22 Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken."

SnakesAndWorms said...

Don't forget that God takes care of even the birds and you are so much more important than any animal.

valerie2776 said...

On point two, that must be ridiculously hard. My pastor and his family moved in next door to me a little while after he first came to our church, about 13 years ago--our neighbors were selling their house, and I BEGGED my mom to tell Pastor about it, and she did, and they ended up buying the house, which was amazing. I've grown up with his kids, caught (and killed) fireflies, picked honeysuckles, built snow ramps off their front porch. They're an integral part of my life, and I can't even fathom them not being there. I'm sorry that you and your church family have to go through this.

Leah said...

I... let's talk soon, okay? Like. With voices.

Um. I was about to just click Comment on that alone, but considering Point Five, perhaps that's unwise. This has nothing to do with me being whiny about not being a huge part of your life right now. It has everything to do with things not being okay with you. If I can help, let me, okay? And if not, that's cool too. Just... I know you love your blog, but it feels so much like shouting into the darkness, waiting and hoping to be heard.

Let me shout back.

Also, teeheelol someone named Faith commented before me =D

Jordan said...

"What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." - Hebrews 11:1

Just remember that if small group and your pastor have taught you anything, it's that at the end of the day, they're not the things that will get you through the hard times. They taught you faith, but it's the faith itself that will get you through losing so many things that you love.

What's the church situation like at school? A lot of my friends here at college really like/prefer their school pastors/deacons/rabbis than the ones they had at home.

And I'm sure your friends will understand how hard things are for you right now. It's not like you've offended them for all time. Things will be okay again.

Feel better, Hayley.

Tom said...

There's this lovely concept known as a "Fuck it Bucket." The idea is that when life gives you shit, you say "fuck it" and eat a big bucket of candy.

English concerns? Fuck it (eat a snickers).

Pastor leaving? Fuck it (milkyway).

Situations with friends not how you'd like? Fuck it (almond joy).

I'm sure you get the idea.

Nicholas said...

That's a lot to handle. Maybe you should do it the AA way. Change the things you can change, because some of them are out of your reach. If you get some of them off your chest, you might also feel lighter about the things you cannot change.

Karissa said...

As far as the writing goes, I enjoy yours. Enough so that I went to see Bloody Red Heart on Saturday, thanks to your heads up. Anyway, I managed to nab a program and one of the big posters they had up. I'm not sure if they sent you anything from the show, but if you have a PO Box or something, I'd be happy to send them your way if you want them. Oh, and I recorded your essay being performed on my blackberry... I'm not sure how good the quality, but if you'd like, I can try to load that to YouTube. I read Red, as well, so I might do a review of the show for my school newspaper. Basically, I guess what I'm trying to say is we're all really lucky because we've realized early on that you've got talent; it looks as if by the time your teacher realizes this, you'll be out of her class and on the New York Times Bestsellers. So, sucks to be her.

On another note, it's strange how much your AP English/journalism experience seems to echo mine. I have the same teacher for both, as well. Not only have I never received any positive feedback regarding my writing in either class (I have been in journalism for four years), I constantly get slammed and criticized by him due to him not liking me personally. When this is what you want to do with your life (and it's definitely what I want to do with mine), you're right; it sucks. And what makes it worse? I told this girl in there that he chose as Editor-in-Chief about nerdfighters and everything when we were still friends, and so she will probably end up reading this comment and going back and telling him about this, because that's just how she is. I can definitely relate to some of the school/friend stuff.

Sorry for basically writing you an essay of my own. <3

Anonymous said...

I didn't even like high school... at all. That being said, the end of it was still really hard. Your life as you've known it for 18 years will change a lot, and although it's usually for the better, it's still hard.
And to have all these other things compile all at once on top of graduating, well what can I say besides "that really sucks"?
I've always found it to be true that when it rains, it pours. So just grab an umbrella and wait for it to stop. ;)
-Randi

ginger jones said...

I had a similar experience when I graduated and it is thoroughly notsome. I don't know you all to well but I can promise that the little black, empty hole and all the confusion you're facing will disapear shortly. The one thing that stuck in my head is the serenity prayer.

DFTBA!

Hayley_leesha666 said...

cheer up hayley.
your entering a whole new stage of life right now and i know that can be daunting.. hell..i was in your position 4 months ago exactly. I guess the only advice i could possibly give you ( even though i know you didnt ask!) take each one of your backpack items at a time and try to work it out before you even think of the next. I hope things start looking up for you!
xhayleyx

sparkletasia said...

When ife gives you lemons...

Make grape juica and watch it wonder how the fuck you did that.

Seriously though, I can relate to so much in this post, it's a little unbelievable. Stay awesome x

Rosianna said...

Right, I think it semi-important to note that this blog post has just fucked up my mascara. So put that at number six, or a sub section under number five, because whilst Twitter may suggest the contrary, I do not spend my life crying and also don't have much mascara left, nor do I have much/any money.

What I suppose I meant to say, is that reading this is both too familiar and slightly envy-making. I know that may seem strange to you, especially when you're obviously not a happy duck, which makes me very sad to hear because as you know I fancy the pants off you, but it's true.

While it's awful that you're mum is losing her best friend at a time when she needs him most and absolutely horrible to not feel your English work valued, especially when it obviously deserves to be valued, I am positively green with envy about your church community. Which is probably counter-productive considering the whole Envy-being-one-of-the-seven-deadly-sins thing. Everything changing at once might be better. I don't pretend to know that it will be, but it might be. When you go off to uni and it all shifts, maybe you need those thousand natural horrible little shocks of sad right now to make it all work better. If that makes sense. Je ne sais pas.

This comment has probably not been helpful. GTG die in a hole.

P.S. no relationships for me, no siree. Although I have to say, someone who knows every side of me is a scary prospect, which is probably why I should just resign myself to the fact that I'm absolutely not relationship material.

callie said...

I have my AP test the 13th. Im sorry your feeling so crummy. Im a united methodist too, and our pastor is leaving also.

Rebecca said...

Sweetheart, it all seems so bad right now because so many things are changing. But keep your head high, do what you have to do, and remember that change is inevitable. Everything will fall into place in due time.

I love your blog and I'm glad that you've decided to continue with it.

Good luck in emptying out some of your backpack. :)

Becky said...

Wow. I feel like I can completely relate to what your going through right now. There's all of these issues coming up at the exact same time in your life that, individually, are bearable. But when they all hit you at the same time its emotionally devastating.

I'm about to graduate high school too and like you, a hundred different problems have just been dumped on me in a crucial, transitional part of my life.
A few examples:
-I got into UC Berkeley and everyone's super excited. Little do they know that I didn't maintain my required GPA for senior year. What am I supposed to tell everyone when I get the dreaded confirmation from the college?
-My father who I met 3 years ago told his family about my existence the very DAY before they met me (last month). My Mom died about 2 years ago so he's pretty much the only shot I have at having a parent ever again-- and a lame shot at that.
-I'm taking this medication where the side effects drastically change how i feel both physically and emotionally throughout the day. It's miserable. I'm always tired but can never sleep. In fact I've gone days with literally 0 hours of sleep. And on top of that I have to give up every food I've ever loved so I can take it.
-I'm starting to hate my friends for know apparent reason which is evil, irrational, and completely lonely. No matter how hard I try I can't recreate the amazing relationships I had with these people a few months ago.
-Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends is ending. I know that this sounds silly, but this added to the end of the Harry Potter series... I feel like these things are all marking the end of my childhood. I am so not ready for that.

Okay. I'm sorry. I totally vomited my life onto your comment page. Basically, my point is that I understand how hard it is to deal with these things all at once. It helps though to know that others are going through something similar and are surviving. Thanks.

Leesa said...

Hayley,

I have recently found you via your YouTube and blog, and you are a talented writer. Grades in high school are not necessarily about talent; just write without pats on the back. You get enough affirmation from your videos, from your blog, from your friends.

Write for yourself; others will enjoy what you write even if they don't tell you.

VicMorrowsGhost said...

You have my empathy, sympathy a soliloquy and I hope you soon have a reason to make revelry. <3

Brad said...

1) Ignore that stupid teacher. Look to your writing peers for praise or criticism. Alternatively, you could go up to her after school is over and say, "Don't you know who I am? I'm hayleyghoover, bitch!"

2 & 3) It's the unwanted changes in life that are the most stressful. Hang in there.

4) Are you sure that you're not just afraid of being hurt?

5) We're all sucky ass people from time to time. Forgive yourself.

Kim said...

I'm Methodist and completely understand and can relate to what you and your church are going through. The pastor that baptized my entire family when I was in second grade (I'm now a senior in college) left our church about 6 years ago. It's though, but it will get better. Yes, the new pastor has to learn everyone's name, and it may take a while for him or her to learn yours personally, but in the end it's nice to know that you're pastor has done such a great job that the "guys in charge" want to send him to a church that really needs help.

A.J. James said...

The emotional Backpack is an awesome metaphor. You are so talented, I'm truly jealous of your ability to express yourself so vividly with the written word.
There are so many points here to comment on I scarcely know where to start. My senior year a similar situation happened with our senior pastor. All I can really say is, don't lose touch.
As far as potential boyfriend is concerned this is one of those subjects everyone will want to weigh in on. My advice? Do for you.

Catherine said...

I hope you get to feeling better Hayley.

Our pastor left when I was around 12 or 13. His adult son was asked to leave to because that's what the Presbytery does, despite the fact that his son had a wife and kids that had grown up there. Luckily they somehow got to stay.

I know what it's like to have people not praise you or encourage you for something that you've worked hard on... Our journalism class is run more by our editors than our teacher/advisor, and no matter how hard I work I feel as if I haven't done something right.

Alright, well I think I've said too much now. But really do feel better Hayley.

Katy J said...

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Hugs

intothesunshine said...

Things will get better! Letting them out is a good way to get started. By the time summer comes, you'll have time to relax, and sort things out! Hang in there :D
-Melissa

Joanne said...

Cheer up buttercup!

Adrienne said...

greater good? really? have they never heard grindewald's master plan to take over the world? or have they, and yet still continue to inflict torture upon you and your family. I know what you're going through though, my old priest watched me grow up, etc. etc. and then they moved him to new zealand. obviously, he had some say in it, but as he's such a good person, he went ahead and took up the position. i'm really sorry for you and your mom.
also:
my english teacher is awful as well. not only does she grade poorly, but she has no idea what she's talking about most of the time and just uses words related to the subject to make herself sound good, even though she has no idea what they mean, much like what i do in math class.
sorry about the prom date/almost boyfriend. the awkwardness will pass, i'm sure.
i hope all these comments make your day at least a little bit better, although i realize i'm a bit late...

joy isobel said...

Oh man, your emotional backpack reminds me of Ginny's backpack in 13 Little Blue Envelopes (Maureen Johnson book joke anyone?). Seriously though, you have way too much on your plate! I kind of admire you for not melting into a hayleyghoover puddle because that's a LOT to handle, especially with the AP test coming up! Holy lordy, my dear...

P.S. I'm so happy you're not tracking your weight anymore :)

Lori said...

(1)It doesn't matter what your Newspaper teacher thinks of you. And it really doesn't matter what grade you get in English. You will ace the AP exam and you will forever have a drive to prove her wrong, which is better for you in the long run than having her praise you and acknowledge your talent.
(2) Your pastor leaving really does suck. But your church is bigger than him and God's promise for your life and church is bigger than any one man. Your church is your church because God has called those people together and He will continue to do so. While the UMC may let you down, God will not. And God will not abandon your mother either.
(3) While it's very understandable to be upset about losing your small group, God will bring new rocks into your life and will sustain you in new ways. You are not forgotten. Further, perhaps your small group has groomed you to lead younger women through tough times in their lives one day and perhaps you fill find that role more fulfilling than you find your current small group. Maybe God will continue to use your small group to bless your life as you and your friends all enter college.
(4) Your boyfriend-like figure will understand your feelings. Perhaps you can let him in to these other areas of your life, be vunerable and grow into a very real relationship with him. But that takes you opening up to him. Don't run from him because you think he doesn't really know the real Hayley but give him a chance to get to know her. He may love all those parts of you more than you can imagine and he may be just what you need to get you through this new part in your life. Or perhaps he's known the real you all along and you just can't comprehend that you loves you regardless.
(5) I think you amazing and really are just getting started with your life and are not even close to realizing your full potential. I have a feeling that you, Hayley, Hayles, Halzie, fuzzball and HayleyGHoover are going to touch countless lives all over this world.

Elrich89 said...

Well, gawsh darn it, Hayley! (I believe you yankees occasionally, alarmingly and endearingly let this colloquialism escape you, possibly during furtive and guilty moments when you think nobody is around to hark. Actually, I don't even know where this concept came from. I really have no idea whatsoever whether this is true or not. ...I'm beginning to hope it is.)

I'm not going to pretend I know you, because I don't, which is regrettable, and this puddle of a paragraph will almost certainly be swept away in the tide of chummy comments posted by cordial and collateral compatriots...

But just remember: life will beat at you, and batter at you and force you to your knees until you are bruised, bleeding and begging for mercy, but that it is the human being's indomitable ability to claw itself back into a state of ragged determination, strengthened by the ebbing pain, only to launch its renewed assault on life's most difficult circumstances, over and over, which makes this species so damned successful.

I confess, I'm making this up wildly as I go along, but it appears to carry an air of farcical wisdom so far...

I shall add this quote by one Joanne Rowling:

"It's a strange thing, but when you are dreading something, and would give anything to slow down time, it has a disobliging habit of speeding up." (The Hungarian Horntail, GoF)

The message in this is to savour the moment, for God's sake! Do not bemoan the future, enjoy the occasion. Savour your remaining moments with your Small Group and your Pastor!

I guarantee that you will be feeling fine soon.

Kaitlin said...

It may be hormones, it may be the exhaustion of AP week, but point 2 almost had me in tears.
I haven't been following you for very long, but it's been long enough to see that you are truly a talented writer. Just because you have a teacher who either doesn't recognize or doesn't bother to encourage it, shouldn't smother it at all.
Point 3 is, I think, a part of graduating and moving away. It really sucks to look around and see that these people will no longer be a constant part of your life. But you'll find new people to carry you.
And I have 21 days left of school, lucky.

Margo said...

hayylleeeeyyy ! cheer up! its okay and everything will get better. hopefully. and if not...um.. lets not think about that aspect! you are awesome hayley and we all love you! i know what you mean and its okay to feel like that sometimes. but not always. so eat some burritos and sing some musicals and cheer up! :)

Rachel said...

Oh Hayley. I feel for you. I know what it must be like having your pastor just suddenly leave. It's like a member of your family is taken from the earth spontaneously. Don't worry, it will all work out. Feel Better!

Gavin said...

Don’t waste energy thinking about this English teacher, she will be forced to recognize your talent soon enough.

Addressing the issue of being a sucky ass person, after reading this blog, I must disagree. I won’t go into any specific detail, I just wholeheartedly disagree. So there you go, you’re awesome.

As for the changes with your pastor and small group, it sounds really sucky but change is inevitable. I read somewhere that to survive you must ‘Become a student of change because it is the only thing that will remain constant’ …Obviously much easier said than done but has some truth to it I think.
Just remember this doesn’t have to be ‘THE END’, it’s just a new chapter to write, and since you are the author Hayley I’m sure it will be brilliant.

Smile

Anonymous said...

Hugs For Hayley!
I love ya hayley, you are one of the coolest people i have never met. honestly, i wish my friends could act more like u. its so awesome that u trust ur blog readers so much that you can tell us all of these personal things. thats really cool?
on a diff note, how did prom go? was it as sucky as ur life is right now, or was it actually "the best night of your life"
<33
**have a sparkling day**

Anonymous said...

oops, for cool i meant to put a period, not ?. yeah, umm, that wasn't a question.
<33

Gabby R said...

Hayley!!!

1)I have the English teacher from hell. We should rant about English teachers sometime.

2)The whole Girlfriend thing can be tough. I know where you're coming from if you know what I mean. But sometimes, you have to, I don't know, abandon what you think something should be for what it really is. I dunno.

3) Also, I think part of everything has to do with the fact that you basically only have two weeks left of school (I'm jealous, by the way. I have six weeks left.)

4) You might find another small group in college! I know it won't be the same, but don't lose hope!

But really, I know we're not the best of friends ever, but if you ever want to talk to someone about this... I mean, we have a lot of similar experiences. Just. Yeah. Call me or whatever. (That's a great conclusion.)

Ben said...

'When God gives you lemons, YOU FIND A NEW GOD'
-Romans 1:1

Kaitlyn said...

Oh, Hayley. Things WILL get better. The transition from high school to college is the hardest, but if you can get through it, you will have an amazing time during the next phase of your life.

At the risk of sounding cheesy and annoying and all "back in my day...," I remember feeling a lot of what you're feeling now. I'm shy and don't make new friends quickly. I was also about to leave everyone I knew and I loved to go to a school where girls outnumber boys 4:1. I was overwhelmed with feelings of depression and inadequacy. In the end, though, I was wrong. The transition sucked, but once I got there I found a lot of people who are awkward and shy and nerdy like me.

Well, this may not have helped at all, but I wanted to try. I know that I only really know hayleyghoover, but I think you're great. And I'm not just saying this because I like your videos. I think that YOU, Hayley, are great. I really admire you. It feels weird to say that to someone younger than me, but then again, I think you're wise beyond your years.

Lots of love,
Kaitlyn

Jesse said...

I actually had so much to say about one of the things in this blog that I wrote one myself about it. It's sort of a branch-off, and it's not exactly comment material since it's general thoughts rather than a real response, but it is inspired by you, so read if you like. If not,then simply DFTBA. Of course, I don't need to remind you, because despite what you think, you never seem to forget.

seurat2 said...

I only just got a chance to read this, so I'm far too late to say anything constructive. So I'll just say that you Hayley, or Hayles or whatever, are amazing and that no matter what happens to you in the next few years of change, I am utterly convinced that you will continue to be amazing.

erngirl said...

Ahh! I'm United Methodist as well and our pastor's leaving too. All because a bunch of "adults" didn't handle certain drama in the church very well. He's awesome and I'm gonna miss him. :/