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Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day. Oh, geez.

Today was tough, and I started off irritated with the world. A teenage couple had their baby baptized at church this morning, and while nobody openly said anything, I could tell a lot of people were being judgmental about it. I just wanna be like, "Seriously? You're chastising a girl who had a baby when she could have gotten rid of it and has spent the last year being looked down upon for giving her life up to someone else? You're shaking your head at an awkward young boy who's staying with the mother and helping raise a kid? You're annoyed that this couple is involved in a church and trying to save their child from making similar mistakes?" How hypocritical, too. I bet a large portion of the people staring at the ground and whispering had premarital sex, or at least made stupid mistakes when they were young. I don't know... I hope I'm just inventing all this drama in my head. I don't think I can bear to see the world in this kind of light for much longer.

We went to my grandparents' house after church, where in the grand tradition of family holidays, I inadvertently started a loud, unnecessary political argument. The conversation started off about gay marriage. I think it's the new civil rights movement, and the government should stay out of the business of deciding which adults can and can't be in love/sign contracts of partnership. That's really all that needed to be said, but somehow I ended up yelling at my aunt about my dissatisfaction with organized religion, upsetting and confusing my impressionable eleven-year-old cousin. The words "Whatever; I hate all of you," may or may not have been spoken. Obviously, I didn't mean it one bit-- and no one believed I meant it for even a second-- so everyone was relatively unfazed. That doesn't change the fact, though, that I sort of told my grandmother I hate her on Mother's Day. I am an ardently wretched person sometimes.

On top of that, I was really nervous and unsure about how to approach my friends whose mothers have died. I knew I had to bring up the subject with one of them, so I called to tell him his mom was a lovely person and that I hope his day was okay. For the other friend, I figured it was probably best not to start the conversation... so I sent my love and have spent the rest of the day stewing. How heartbreaking, you know? It's not like I can relate, as hard as I try. It's not like any amount of kindness will fill that void. It's not like the whole world isn't shoving Mother's Day down their throats at every turn. 

So I spent the morning hating the human race for hating the human race, and the afternoon trying to be considerate when all I know how to do is be abrasive. Thank God (as ALWAYS) for Jess. We went over to our park at dusk to swing and talk about a combination of doughnuts, nail polish, and her friend's memorial service. I've been inseparable from this girl since I was five years old, and she still amazes me on a daily basis. What a wonderful, purely good person. If I have one goal in life, it is to be more like Jess. I hope everyone in the world has someone like that.

I'm not really up to typing anything else. Bye, guys. Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow. <3

41 comments:

Samantha said...

Must be *the* day to baptize babies at UM churches.

Leah said...

I love how you insist upon your wretchedness as you simultaneously describe your thoughtful handling of those who have lost their mothers, and brilliant win at imagining others complexly at the baptism. Honestly. Why can't you see all of you?

... I'm uncomfortable with the way I just described your life as though I were writing an essay on it. But I'm leaving it anyway, because I think it'll amuse you?

Indigo said...

Sorry you had a bad day. I think it's awesome that you stuck up for gay marriage so passionately.

Leesa said...

You know, at least you understand when you are being abbrasive and can handle damage control.

In my church, any day we have a baptism is a good day. Celebrating some new member of the church. What could be more joyous on Mother's Day? Perhaps this young couple reminded those who have been married for a long time how they started out, so many years ago.

Nokorola said...

Look on the bright said of life Hayley, you could be me.

Pippa said...

I know the awkward sadness of not knowing how to act around a friend who has lost a mother on Mother's Day. My friend just lost her mother last week. It's been really hard.

P.S. Aren't best friends great? Mine always makes my bad days better.

::allison:: said...

It was communion day at my church; and the people behind us may or may not have had swine flu. Or the common cough. Idk, all I know is that they were hacking away. The little kids of the family also decided to kick me repeatedly in the feet.

Oh, Mother's Day. So much commotion, 24 hours.

Melissa Kendra said...

It's drama, judging, and hypocrisy like that that made me want to stop being a Christian in the first place. I get so fed up with church people for behaviour like that.
I'm sorry you fought with your family, you're really a wonderful person, I think. You just have strong opinions, that the rest of your family doesn't agree with. And it's a completely teenager-like thing to say, "I hate you." Don't worry.
Jess sounds amazing. I hope she's all right with her friend's death. It's hard. I've had to deal with a friend being gone for the past two years. She sounds like a strong girl, though.

Hayley_leesha666 said...

Basically all i can say to this blog is that i love you hayleyghoover. You are such an eloquent, inspirational person and everyday you amaze me with your insights. :)

Vuraaa said...

i think leah has a really strong point...

but we all struggle with seeing "all of us", don't we? we never see all the things we do that could be done better (or differently?), and i'm sure we never really know how awesome we all are. not all the time, at least.

your posts are so real and so honest. you got skillz, girl.

SnakesAndWorms said...

Gah! Hating the human race for hating the human is something I am all too familiar with.

Don't make it a habit though, it isn't fun.

Dan said...

Mother's Day? In May? Did I forget something or do American people celebrate this later than we do? I'm confused now.

I'm glad I'm not the only person who creates drama in their own head. Seriously, I play out whole arguments in my head just to figure out if I'd win. My mom has walked in my room before and heard me muttering my argument to myself. She thinks I'm crazy.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. I hope Jess feels better soon and I hope the guys who lost their mothers feel better soon too.

Time for bed now, it's 5am here lol.
Have a good day Hayley.

Krazy_4_Kelly said...

I had an equally bad Mother's Day where I got mad at my mom pretty useless things. I actually got mad at her at one point for liking her present because my sister wanted to get her an expensive art table and supplies while I just wanted to make her a slide show to Taylor Swift's song "The Best Day." My mom ended up saying she liked the video and then spent the next 20 minutes discussing how awesome the art stuff was. It made me saddd. I didn't hide this feeling well...

The world will all seem better tomorrow =] And, just like so many others have said, you are a great person. You're just only noticing the bad things more. Everyone gets pissed off. I've been blaming everything currently on high school since I still have a month before I'm done, I feel you should try doing the same. It works wonders, at least in my head it does...

BriannaBean said...

I get really passionate about gay marriage too. No one in my family thinks it should be allowed and EVERY time it comes up I need to storm off because they're all so stubbornly set in the way things USED to be. Man, I think maybe we both need to work on staying calm and convincing people instead of getting upset.

joy isobel said...

Ughh, I hate those days where you just want to scream at EVERYONE. I was kind of like that today too :/ Getting angry with my mother on Mother's Day just makes me feel like such a bitch.

In other news, I really want doughnuts now...

Anonymous said...

My two best friends lost their mum this year and it was so hard to watch them have to deal with mothers day when their mum wasn't there. I understand that conflict of wanting to help them out by giving them someone to talk to, but not wanting to bring it up just in case they feel overwhelmed with grief. In the end one of the girls stayed at my place and we chatted about it. Sorry to hear your day was rough yesterday Hayley!

Britty said...

The best advice I can give on how to help your friends who have lost their mothers is to just let them know that your door is always open if they ever want to speak about their feelings when it comes to their mother. I can't say from experience that's how it works due to the fact that my mother is still with me, but I have lost someone I was very close to. I don't have a lot of people I can talk about her with because sometimes I want to speak about how much she drove me crazy. And there seems to be some sort of precedent that you can't speak badly about the dead, that you always have to speak about them in a loving, spiritual, reverent manner. The best thing anyone can offer someone who has lost someone is a un-biased, non-judgmental, open, loving, accepting ear.

Hayley, you shouldn't down yourself so much about feeling human feelings. Passion like yours about things you believe in is becoming more and more rare these days. You should hold on to that and keep it inside you for as long as you can. The world needs more passion like yours.

A.J. James said...

I agree with you every day on so many different points... One of the many reasons I eventually stepped away from going to church was the constant hypocritical behaviors... It still to this day drives me batty.

I generally avoid, such politically charged conversations as the one you cited because much like you I don't believe it is anyones business which two consenting adults fall in love and want to solidify that relationship,

People such Hayley, Pride yourself on being more like your friend Jess than you realize.

A.J. James said...

The last part of the previous comment was supposed to read....
People Suck..... damn Typos.

Nicholas said...

I still think that organized religion is more dangerous than useful in times where the pope wants to convert the Jews, bans condoms and thinks gays burn in hell... but that might just be me.

It's always difficult to talk with people who have lost family, even if you can relate. It's very considerate of you to think of the people who lost their mothers on mothers' day.

Maybe if people like you had something to say in the organized religions, the world would be a better place :)

Hema said...

lol at the ad on the right side of the page being for 'dating direct' xD

lanna-lovely said...

You just gained a whole bunch of awesome points in my eyes for not being judgemental about that teenage couple, for sticking up for gay marriage and the way you handled the thing with your friends whose mothers have died... trust me, my dad died and fathers day is one of the worst days of the year for me and not one person in my life is as kind about it as you were with your friends, they all either just ignore subject completely or are majorly inconsiderate about it. =/

Basically, you win at life. Don't feel too bad about what you said to your gran, she'll know you didn't mean it and you so got back major karma points for all the stuff you said/did. :]

Anonymous said...

Maybe you should call your impressionable eleven year old cousin and explain to her that you didn't mean some of the things you said, that you don't hate your family, that you don't hate God or the church and that you just feel really strongly about gay marriage. That might go a long way in making her feel better without apologizing for your beliefs.

omgitslouise said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Louise said...

For your friends who have lost their mothers, I find it best if people just leave me alone on days like Mothers Day and Christmas, etc. Everyone's different, and some people are more upfront with how they feel, whereas others find it difficult to express their feelings. The best thing I think you could do is just let them know you're there for them. :]

VicMorrowsGhost said...

Today I had a crap lunch at Uni.
I wished I had one of your fabled burritos.

The Blazing Snow said...

I wish I had a Jess. I have friends, but (and some that come close to being a Jess) I wish I had a Jess.

partyweetow said...

I don't know if you mentioned this before, but are you and Jess going to the same college next year? (I'm not even sure you're the same age.)

Treasonably Reasonable said...

It's a well-hushed secret, in our society, that the days we earmark for celebration - Christmas, New Years, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc - are harbingers of gut-wrenching grief for many unfortunate people. Kudos to you for reaching out to your friend at this difficult time.

And good on you for airing your beliefs on gay marriage so vocally; there's never a wrong time to say what is right.

hfm said...

Thankgod for best friends.

I totally understand how you feel about friends who've lost their mothers/fathers and the awkwardness you experience when it's Mother's/Father's day.
I had a room mate who lost her father but she'd insist on me telling her stories about my dad so she feels a little part of her father living. I dunno. People deal with things differently, the best you can do is reassure them that they're not alone.

Kate said...

My friend Kelsey is my "Jess". I've known her since we were six, and we're now about to turn 20. A smidge over a year ago, Kelsey's mom passed from pancreatic cancer. So not only does she have to deal with the one year mark, she had to handle Mother's Day too.

I'm much better at expressing emotions through text or video or over the phone, but since I was home from college this weekend, I had to face it in person. Kelsey's mom was like a second mom to me, and so I know that however hard it is for me, it's ten times harder for Kelsey and her family.

I ended up inviting her to Mother's Day dinner with my family, so she wouldn't have to spend it alone. I think (I hope) it helped.

Sorry for the long comment, but long story short, I completely understand the anxiety of not knowing how to approach a difficult situation. All I know is your heart will tell you what to do, and it will all work out for the best.

Amber said...

Thank you for your comments about your friends mothers who have passed away. I have also lost my mother, she was only 39, back in 2007 unexpectedly and you don't know how right you are about not being able to relate but you know what, at least you showed your friends that you cared. I didn't hear one single thing from any of my friends, not even my boyfriend who I live with said anything, and my grandma called me to ask me if I was going to the cemetery, mentioning that she knows it's hard for me but am I going anyways, thus making me cry.

It's a rather sucky day for me now that I never anticipated having to deal with. It just sucks when now I go the bank or somewhere and the teller is like, "Oh, have any plans this weekend? Gonna go visit your mom?" and now it's like...you have to answer now, I'm trapped in that mess forever. No one expects someone so young as me, I'm only 20, to have to answer that I've lost my mom so young, and it just sucks.

I'm sorry for your friends, and I'm sorry for myself and that's the truth. When we first lost her, I was sad for my dad for losing the love of his life, and I was sad for my sister for not having as much time with her as I did, and I placed myself behind everyone else but now, it's wrecking my days constantly and I miss her more I can stand.

Ah, Hayley...I know, uh, you have no idea who I am, and I'm getting all emotional and close to tears here, but I just want you to know that I think you are an amazing person, I've been watching your videos for a long time, and most of all, thanks. =)

intothesunshine said...

Those parents are so brave. I also havea friend whose mother died just 5 or so days about, but I wasn't as couragous as you to bring it up. If I could go back a day, I would have definitley said something to her; you're inspirational!

Mina said...

You are Jessica Darling in human form. Please, love, cheer up. Your world isn't that bad.

Graham Badger said...

It took me a few minutes after I read that to realize it was me you were talking about in there. So THAT'S what that text was about, I thought it was about the Shamwow guy I saw that I twittered about lol.

Anyway thank you very much and I do love it when I have the people that I love around me on tumultuous days of the year, it always makes it much better for me :)

Larangutang said...

Yeah, my grandma was yelling at me and my family after church because we "obviously wanted nothing to do with her" when the first thing we did when we walked in was each hug her and tell her happy mother's day. *sigh* what a wonderful day that turned out to be.

mikaella said...

My Mother's Day wasn't such a huge fiasco as yours sounds but it was slightly uncomfortable. After church at some little Mexican restaurant my mother had to bring up the teen pregnancy of my cousin.Yes,she is my age and yes it's terrible but she didn't really have to talk about it while I was happily chomping on my quesadilla and trying to eat more than half of my plate; as per the dare of my uncle.

So then everyone at the table, parents, aunt and uncle, and grandmother, had to go ahead and give me and my sister a lecture about life,love,marriage,kids,and family. It wasn't exactly pretty but I felt fairly confident about it because I have a few opinions of my own. Still, on my list of acceptable mother's day conversation when I should or shouldn't decide to pop a kid out is definitely wayyy down.

Chelsea said...

I think if we knew each other, we would probably be really good friends. You sound just like me half the time.

Jenny Boleyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenny Boleyn said...

Ok, I posted a comment but it didn't sound like I wanted it to, so I'm going to try again.

To me, homosexuality is wrong, but it's no more wrong than anything I've done in my life, so I can't and won't judge any gay people. My parents have always taught me homosexuality is wrong, and I agree, but I was trying to tell them that we've all done things just as bad.

I'm a Christian, and I don't hate any gay people. But I can see why you have the view that you do :)

And yeah, I hate it when I fight with my mom on Mother's Day. I feel like a total bitch.

Kara said...

The world is a crazy place& it seems like it's slowly spiraling down hill. My most commented video is about Edward Cullen. *Sigh* =/

At least he's not some kind of phsyco dictator loony because The world would probably be run by Robert Patinson if he would allow it.