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Saturday, April 16, 2011

What I'd Do For Cheese

Having passed the halfway mark in my quest to go cheeseless for the month of April, you'd think it would be smooth sailing. You'd think I wouldn't be clutching my stomach with my nontyping hand, flailing back and forth, screaming, "I WANT A PIZZA!" to anyone who'll listen. But dairy is an addiction, my friends, and I am a bona fide junkie. I'm like one of those ladies from Hoarders who can't sleep unless she's surrounded by 4,036 ashtrays. I'm like Mimi Marquez. Guys, I'm like Chocolate Boy. Because I can't think about anything else, the rest of this post will consist of an alphabetical acrostic... of things I would do for dairy products.

A: I would attend AA if they'd give me American cheese.
B: I would box a bear for a bag of bonbons.
C: I would cuddle a crocodile for a chocolate brownie.
D: I would dance for the devil if he'd give me a doughnut.
E: I would eat eggshells if I could then eat everything creamy.
F: I would fight a falcon for a funnel cake.
G: I would go to Guatemala if they had goat cheese on the plane.
H: I would hit Hayley Hoover for a hot chocolate.
I: I would imitate Enrique Iglesias for ice cream.
J: I would jump Jeremy Jackson for any reason, but especially for jack cheese.
K: I would watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians for Hershey's kisses.
L: I would lick Lindsay Lohan for a lot of lasagna.
M: I would make out with Marky Mark for mozzarella sticks.
N: I would nail my nails to night stand for nachos.
O: I would own Oprah in an oboe-playing competition for oatmeal cookies.
P: I WOULD POST THIS PURPOSEFULLY POINTLESS BLOG FOR A PIZZA.
Q: I would quit quilting (I do not quilt) for a quiche.
R: I would race Rachel Ray if she'd make me Rice Krispies treats.
S: I would scream at a scorpion if he'd buy me sour cream.
T: I would take out Tina Turner for Taco Bell.
U: I would expose myself to UV if... U would let me have cheese.
V: I would vow against vacations for a vanilla cake.
W: I would watch only Willy Wonka for a week straight in exchange for whipped cream.
X: I xould do othex stuxf that starx xith x's for xheese.
Y: I would yodel with Yo-Yo Ma for yogurt.
Z: I would zeriously do zo much for cheezez right nowz.

That... took way too long and was definitely not worth it. Anyway, now I have to go bang my head into the wall repeatedly. I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!


Chipotle burritos this year: 5.5
Subscribers: 48,690
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: 0

P.S. Breakfast was a carton of strawberries, lunch was a big sandwich, dinner was spaghetti.

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

Whine every day in April?

Anonymous said...

My sister is allergic to dairy, and she just goes to dominos, gets pizza without cheese and with other toppings, and asks for them to keep the buttery stuff they pour over the top off of it. Also, she eats dairy free doughnuts, fake cheese (which I wouldn't try, since apparently it tastes horrible), fake butter, lemon cakes, and dairy free tofu ice cream, which sounds disgusting but really isn't. There are a ton of options other than just coconut ice cream. :)
So are you actually seeing an improvement in your health yet?

Abbie said...

I'm glad that you would have to get a lot of lasagna to lick Lindsay Lohan. Mostly because I feel like licking her would get you a lot of diseases and probably wouldn't be worth just a little lasagna.

Also, I can totally relate to wanting to take out Tina Turner for T-bell. I gave up fast food for Lent and every time I see a Taco Bell commercial I almost break down.

Jen said...

Now I really want some cheese too, and I just ate some. Hayley, I wish I could meet you IRL just to talk about food.

Sorry, that probably sounds creepy.

Laura said...

About two years ago I did the same thing as you, changed my diet from veggie to full-on vegan. Within the first week I remember buying an Amy's vegan pizza and eating the entire thing in one sitting. I didn't really miss cheese, though; I missed milk. I was kind of like a disgusting small child or a...disgusting elderly man in that I drank milk with like, half of my meals. I just started drinking a shit-ton of lemonade instead, which is weird and nonsensical but that was just as satisfying. And at this point, I am no longer weirdly fond of milk and pretty much stick to straight water all the time.

Anyway, I know it's really tough now but I bet some of your habits will be permanently changed as a result of this, and eating less pizza definitely wouldn't be unhealthy for you.

I really hope you go through with this for the rest of the month, because I know how satisfying it will feel to recognize that you completed something so challenging. My one recommendation is that you don't, under any circumstances, go insane with the dairy come May. You know, don't eat five grilled cheeses and a tub of ice cream or anything, because your body will be very, very unhappy if you do that!

Also, if you feel like driving an hour and a half to the Columbus Mellow Mushroom, they have reasonably good vegan cheese that does not taste like real cheese, but might fill the whole in your heart.

Lauren said...

If it helps, I was very impressed with your acrostic. I know that doesn't matter, and you want some advice that helps you defeat your dairy urges, but all I can offer is love and praise at the moment.

tranquilily said...

Please don't bang your head against a wall. You are not a house elf! 2 more weeks, 2 more weeks, 2 more weeks. I believe in you!

Aimee said...

I'll just sit here, reading your blog post, while eating my quesadilla...

Oh, wait. I'm not helping, am I?

Ah, I apologize, that was kind of mean of me, heh... STAY STRONG, HAYLEY! YOU CAN DO IT!

Heather said...

Huh huh, this post is soooo... cheesy . ^^

Be strong, Hayley!

Christina said...

"I would make out with Marky Mark for mozzarella sticks."

Ouch, that's a pretty bad addiction.

Oh also! I'm curious how the energy part of no-dairy April is going. Are you feeling more energetic than you did in your dairy-filled days?

apples_and_pancakes said...

Oh, damn now I have to say it. Want a little cheese to go with that whine?
Uh, anyway I don't know how open you are to taking suggestions considering what happened with the coconut milk ice cream, but I really like Amy's pizza. I thought the roasted vegetable one would just make me miss the cheese more, but it's not made with tomato sauce. I don't know the hell the sauce was but I liked it and it was sweet. Point is was it was different. It wasn't like normal pizza minus the cheese, so it didn't feel incomplete to me. I'm actually learning things through the suggestions. Never thought I could ask Dominoes to veganize their pizzas. Or at least un-dairy them.

Margaret said...

I had a vegan friend and we made vegan pizza together one time. Seriously? It was pretty good. They have vegan cheese. It's got a weird consistency, but it might get you through April. :)

http://www.daiyafoods.com/

nelamonster said...

It was definitely worth it.
Happy banging! (My brain bangs inside my skull without my inducing the banging. I accidentally fell asleep on the floor yesterday and woke up after 12 hours. GAH!)

jenibo said...

spaghetti is not spaghetti without, at least, some parmesan. Sorry, Hayley. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I wish I could tell you it will get easier, but I really don't know. Hang in there!

Victoria said...

I only gave up chocolate for lent but I'm actually dying. Can't wait until Easter to stuff my face with a tonne of Cadbury's.

Lauren said...

I'm impressed that you made it through the whole alphabet without jumping somebody for some pizza. xD

Katie said...

Haha, I have been watching Hey Arnold on netflix all semester so yay for the chocolate boy reference! :)

Keep up the hard work, you can do it!

my creative space said...

Are you still doing Presence Hayley? =)

Sara said...

You will probably hate me for this, but I woke up this morning to find this lovely video in my subscription box:

LauraDoesTheAstro


I really hope you have a wonderful day full of scrumptious, dairyless meals.

toastburntbread said...

"aiyyyyyeeee!!!! You can do it! " *wink.

Anonymous said...

Hayley... what are you doing?? you're just paddleing upstream. eat some f*cking cheese already.

Bridget said...

*stands up in the middle of a crowd and shouts* YOU CAN DO IIIIT! Stay positive, that pizza isn't worth half a month of hard work! Hang in there :)

Kaitlyn w/ a K said...

I'm going to beat up commenter #1.

Also, I think you'll feel it was worth it when you can say you went a whole month without dairy. Saying you went "one month except for that one day, but it's cool since I made up for it at the end" probably won't feel as awesome.

That said, I did love your list.

Kaitlyn w/ a K said...

Also, you should turn this list into a dramatic parody of "What I Did For Love" from A Chorus Line. And then put it on YouTube. Just sayin'.

Steve said...

Oh, Hayley, i feel your pain. Well, not really, i've just been eating cheese, lots of cheese. I'm sorry.
At least your alliteration skills are improving. :)

Laura said...

I <3 Rent!!

Anonymous said...

Nontyping hand? Do you type with one hand?

Hayley M said...

It is a testament to how much I like you, Hayley, that I actually read all of that.

Anonymous said...

Even though I love your blog, Comment# 1 is halarious.
Also, if it's this hard and you've haven't seen any improvements in health, then what's the point? And don't those people saying "keep going! you're doing great" sound a little fake?

CeliaAnn said...

I'm surprised even this didn't make me have any desire for anything dairy related. Except Taco Bell, but I always want that.

In a totally not-fake way, keep going, Hayley! I know how badly I want french fries right now. We can do this!

Arielle said...

I'm kinda craving mozzarella sticks now. That was quite poetic. :-)

Anonymous said...

You made a RENT reference. I think I'm in love.

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