Monday, April 11, 2011

Lactating Coconuts

After spending way too much time studying in the library, this evening called for an adventure. A thrilling adventure. A daring and devious adventure! But I couldn't think of any, so instead I went to the grocery store and bought dairy-free ice cream. /anticlimax

A lot of you have been recommending different brands of faux-milk products, and I figured it was time to give one a try. I went out in search of a pint of coconut ice cream, hoping its pretty label with pictures of cookie dough chunks would not betray me. It cost seven dollars, which is mildly insane... but I justified the purchase by telling myself, "You just have to enjoy it as much as you'd enjoy paying to see some Ashton Kutcher movie in theaters." This calmed me down, because the only way I'd like coconut milk less than Ashton Kutcher movies is if coconut milk gave me anaphylactic shock whilst punching my mother.*

So I tried it. Not horrible. The consistency is much softer than real ice cream-- I had to fight off the temptation to eat the first layer super fast, because unlike with the real deal, the second layer was no less melty-- but all in all, if I hadn't seen the packaging, I might not have known the difference. It didn't seem so much like fake ice cream... just slightly crappy ice cream. Also, in hindsight, the fact that it tasted like coconut should have surprised me less. I don't have any huge issue with coconuts or anything, but I've never been enough of a fan to waste a few hundred calories on their artificial lactation. For seven dollars, I dug out all the cookie dough chunks, popped the lid back on, and called it a day. If anyone's in need of some mangled coconut teat puss**, it's all yours.

Other than that, today was quite delicious. Breakfast was orange juice and two pieces of wheat toast; one with peanut butter, one with peach preserves. Lunch was green tea and a few pieces of vegetarian sushi. I had a small afternoon snack of hummus and Sun Chips, realizing early on that hummus and Sun Chips go poorly together, but continuing nonetheless, because I am a fighter. For dinner, I waited in line for my dining hall's wok bar, of which you can see pictures here, here, and here. It was tasty, but I only got through about a fourth of the dish before feeling utterly stuffed. Then came a few spoonfuls of the icey coconut concoction, and (much later in the evening) my friends were going to Chipotle... and I have what Freud calls Burrito Envy... so I tagged along and gorged on chips and salsa as a nighttime snack. Yummmmtastic.

I got yelled at in yesterday's comments for not divulging a list of everything I ate, so I'm making up for it with this totally food-centered post. Now that we're all balanced out, The Hayleylujah Chorus will be back to regular programming tomorrow night. I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you then!

Chipotle burritos this year: 5ish
Subscribers: 48,499
Nail color: "Samoan Sand," OPI
Miles run today: How could you expect me to work out when I had so much eating to do?

*I do not like Ashton Kutcher movies.
**Yes, that was both stupid and gross, but it amused me, so lay off.


CeliaAnn said...

Wow. Six seconds after you posted. I just had to refresh. I should be going to sleep now :p

I just got some Chocolate dairy-free ice cream the other day. It's called Tofutti, 'cause it's got soy and Tofu and what not. It's really not bad! It's got an extra taste I can't really place...but it isn't bad.

Pip said...

A Chipotle just opened on my college campus...I thought of the lovely Hayley G. Hoover as I ate my vegetarian burrito. And I'm glad the semester is almost over because I won't be able to gain too much weight from excessive burrito consumption before I have to go home (where Chipotle is present but less accessible - there should be a law prohibiting a Chipotle to be located on the way to classes).

Kaitlyn w/ a K said...

What do you get in your vegetarian sushi? I'm trying to warm up to the idea, but my local sushi places can't do any better than celery and cucumber wrapped in seaweed. Lame. Not as tasty as salmon.

allyson said...

Sushi. Do they have that on your campus? If they do, is it good? The problems I run into on campus with eating healthy is usually that the options are far less appetizing and far more time consuming.

Also, have you noticed your stomach "shrinking" and/or your appetite decreasing? Because I feel like if I had what you had today, I would have been starving by mid-afternoon.

Christina said...

I was inspired by you yesterday and got a veggie Chipotle burrito bowl for lunch. I ate the whole thing in one sitting, but still felt healthy afterwards (I'm usually lying on the couch in a mixture of self-pity and guilt after finishing Chipotle in one go). But thanks to that veggie bowl there was no post-Chipotle stupor to be had!

Also thanks for those great descriptions of coconuts, they were hilarious. I appreciate that you didn't edit out the part about coconut teat puss, highlight of the post.

Kirsty said...

For once, I've actually finished my homework when I'm reading Hayleylujah Chorus! Sense of achievement is WAY disproportionate to actual achievement. Will avoid coconut "milk" forevermore thanks to this!

Tara said...

I don't mind Ashton Kutcher movies despite the fact that they are all pretty much the same plot with different women actors.

Kenzly said...

i was one of those who snapped at you for not adding a food update. Sorry. But thank you for making this post so informative. For some reason i am extremely interested in your dairy free eating habits. I could never do it! :) good work!

p.s. we don't have chipotle in canada, but the last time i was in the states i forced my mother to find one on the GPS and drive me there. we got burritos for dinner, i got mine with RICE AND GUACAMOLE OMG YUM and since then my mother and i are obsessed with food that we can only get while traveling. :(

color_me_surprised said...

I don't know whether another commenter has posted this, but all of your ads are currently for butter lol

love reading your stuff! keep on keeping on, lovely!

Alyssa said...

No offense, but I don't really like listing the food all that much, your commentary on the day and stuff is really funny :)

Michael said...

I live in the UK and it means that every morning I have one of these to look forward to. I'm GENUINELY distraught about the prospect of you -not- blogging every day.

Yours, the embodiment of internet dependency.

Sally said...

I'm sorry, but I'm quite bored of this listing of food, Hayley. Since when did you blog become an entirely unbearable "then I did this, then I did that..." account of the day? I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one who doesn't skim it, at best.
It's your blog and you can type whatever the hell you want in it, but I don't think YOU'D find it interesting if you look back at it in 20 years and re-read it.

Ben said...

I'm on a diet myself at the moment and if I want ice cream it's got to be lactose, cholesterol and gluten free ice cream, it's disgusting.

Anonymous said...

I'm kind of with Alyssa and Sally. Like they said, it's your blog, write whatever you want, but it's starting to sound like one of those food journals people keep to lose weight. I miss the humor of your old posts.

However, I'd like to recommend Tofutti ice cream sandwiches. They come in several different flavors, they're tiny, and a lovely, completely vegan treat.

madhu said...

youre awesome
im exhAUSTED

Anonymous said...

Everyone here is talking about Chipotle. Hawaii is Chipotleless. This makes me sad every time I decide not to spend 10 dollars on a good Mexican dinner and find myself sobbing in my burrito at Taco del Mar. Ick.

Manar said...

I love ice cream so much.

The phrase "Manar loves ice cream" is actually a tautology.

Karen said...

I enjoyed my first trip to Chipotle today! Everyone urged me to get the burrito. IT WAS FREAKIN FANTASTIC!
I think I'm in love.

the only issue is I'm trying to lose some weight for the summer and I feel like a Chipotle obsession will not help me.

You seem to be doing great in your quest to be healthy. so what do you get there?

ps: you're hilarious and awesome. I try to check your blog everyday because i enjoy it so much :)


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