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Thursday, April 14, 2011

Things That Are Always Funny

I finished an important paper for class mere seconds ago, and I still owe you fine people a blog post. We have exactly thirty minutes on the clock until the day is over.* Let's pump this baby out.**

To keep things quick and light-hearted, I will now improvise a list. Ten Things That Are Always Funny:
  1. Personal websites from the 1990s. Close your eyes (except not really, idiot) and imagine this. Highlighter green background. Page takes several long seconds to load, and when it does, some wretched midi file begins playing automatically. Yellow, bolded Comic Sans scrolls by on a looping marquee, proudly stating, "Welcome to my Site!" Somewhere inconvenient, a graphic of, I don't know, the globe or something, rotates. A broken link surrounded by a purple box offers to take you "Home." Across the bottom is a pasted copyright symbol and a hotmail address in underlined blue. Always funny.
  2. The phrase "according to science." I've discussed this in videos, I've made reference to this in videos, and I will continue to use this in videos wherever applicable. I don't know why it cracks me up, exactly-- maybe it's just the perfect testament to America's arrogant ignorance? Whatever the reason, I can assure you that if you're ever in a pinch to make me laugh, begin your sentence with "According to science...." Always funny.
  3. Similarly, the word "fetus." Always funny.
  4. 30 Rock. Those of you who've been following me for a while know all about my undying devotion to Tina Fey, but this year, that devotion has spread to the entire cast and writing team of her sitcom. I've now seen every episode at least five times. I beg you, if you've never given 30 Rock a chance, get your butt on Netflix and work your way through. Absolutely worth it. Always funny.
  5. The way I still, at age twenty, have to thoroughly think through whether midnight is 12pm or 12am. Not always something I'm proud to admit, but always funny.
  6. People with sexy foreign accents trying to force a bad American accent. Always funny.
  7. The fact that a large group of clever, interesting, smart people are willing to come back every single day for an entire month just to hear what some girl in Ohio ate for lunch. I know I say that a lot, but it's because it marvels me a lot. Always inspiring, always funny.
  8. Babies wearing bunny ears. As my father once said, "A baby wearing bunny ears is always good for a guffaw." Also, always funny.
  9. The way I bare my teeth like a ravenous wolf every time I look at cheese. There was a not-even-kidding silver platter of grilled cheese sandwiches at my dining hall today. Instead, I ate fruit and zucchini bread for breakfast, red grapes and quinoa with beans and corn for lunch, a big ol' sandwich*** with chips and a banana for dinner, and a block of dark chocolate while doing homework. But when I saw the forty-some passersby with ice cream cones this afternoon? I almost punched someone out. Almost punching someone out? Always funny.
  10. The way I just shoved the list of what I ate today into this list (listception!) and still have three minutes left before midnight. CHAMPION! ALWAYS FUNNY!
Okay, wow, I didn't think I could pull that off. I'm gonna go run a victory lap (and by that I mean sleep). I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!


Chipotle burritos this year: 5.5
Subscribers: 48,620
Nail color: "Samoan Sand," OPI
Miles run today: 4

*This sentence reminds me of Global GUTS.
**This sentence reminds me of this.
***Hummus, cucumbers, tomatos, spinach, carrots, green peppers, red onion.

49 comments:

Robin said...

What color IS samoan sand?

Kirsty said...

The fact that my week nights always go: you did most of your homework, you DESERVE to go on the computer... Checks Hayleylujah Chorus. Contempates math. Checks Hayleylujah Chorus. Contemplates bio. Checks Hayleylujah Chorus and is ecstatic to see new post. Sadly, always funny.

Courtney said...

I definitely agree with number one on that list (well, most of them actually, but especially that one). I used to have one of those websites... Actually, several of them. It reminds me of good times. xD

CeliaAnn said...

Oh my God, I first heard the word 'fetus' in fifth grade and I remember it so vividly. I made the kid sitting next to me during an assembly repeat it over and over again throughout the whole thing so I could die of laughter. I didn't know what it was at the time, but man is it a funny word.

Cat said...

I can't get over how funny fake American accents are. I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I tried to get my friends and family to engage with me, but they just don't get it. "Don't encourage her!"
So I watch those YouTube videos alone.. laugh hysterically alone. But that's alright!

The world is mocking you with those silver platters of grilled cheese sandwiches! But don't give in. You are being tested! You are strong!

Kaitlyn w/ a K said...

I had one of those websites in the 1990's. It's still there, actually. And it's a DOOZIE. Maybe if you're really good I'll show it to you someday.

Kateribethrose said...

I know you don't want to hear about dairy but I wanted to share this.

So, today I ate a whole entire pint of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked... That's enough for the both of us Hayley, if we wanted to be pigs or something.

Anyway while I was eating It I was thinking of how gross it was that I was eating this much ice cream at once and justifying myself because you are refusing yourself yummy things like ice cream.

Now that I have eaten it, my brain is a bit well, peeved. As if to say "Listen, I know it's your "lady time" and everything and all you want is soda, chocolate and apparently bacon. But you are twenty six years old and ought to know better by now that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES IS THIS OK."

See Hayley, not only are you depriving yourself (not really I know.) You are basically enabling me to eat a whole entire pint of ice-cream that I am not even hungry for. (no, you aren't really doing that either.) But hey, I got to comment on your blog! :D

Anonymous said...

11. communitychannel.

And I hope your sitting down for this Hayley (unless you already know), according to science, the paid actor put a ring on it. By "science" I mean spotting an engagement ring on her finger.

I know. I'm devastated as well.

Stay well!

- Ashley

Margaret said...

I had one of those websites, but I shared it with my two best friends at the time. I wonder what happened to that website... I wonder what happened to those two girls... Huh.

xo said...

I love when that even when you only have minutes to spare to blog, you still keep it pretty awesome.

As someone who has blogging every day this year (rather boringly, may I add) your blogs definitely give me inspiration to keep mine interesting instead of "this here is a blog." So thank you for that! Keep on keepin' on.

anna said...

Listception is my new favorite word.

Christina said...

I think you described my very first website, except in place of a slowly-rotating globe, there was probably a picture of a cat in some sort of comical situation.

Also always funny? Community. I don't know if you've seen it, but since you love 30 Rock, I think it's a pretty good bet that you'd love Community too.

kyle said...

You knew it would happen.

http://nucleartuesday.com/hayley/

(didn't bother with the music though)

Maya said...

according to science..........









you're hilarious.

Honestly Bec said...

Seats that make fart sounds. ALWAYS funny!

Hanna said...

I actually had to google number 5.. I live in Sweden and we don't use a 12-hour clock, so 12 a.m./12 p.m. always confuses me.


..it is 12 a.m., right?

jenibo said...

My 90s website had a picture of Ashton Kutcher that was way too big and never completely loaded. Even if his movies aren't good, he is still hot.

Sarah said...

As I was reading this, Natalie Tran just appeared on the TV (she was doing a small segment on a news/entertainment show). It was like YouTube on my iPhone and YouTube on the TV just collided or something crazy. Speaking of YouTube personalities, you and Natalie Tran are definitely my favourites :)
Thank you for being so awesome! I wish I could talk about what I ate in a day and somehow make it sound as interesting as you do! :)

Anonymous said...

You seem to have forgotten that that girl in Ohio is the clever, interesting, and smart one.

Sidsel said...

The number of Mary-Kate & Ashley sites I hosted... Oh, and pm... right?

Sidsel said...

Nonononono! AM! am!

Marina said...

The fact that Space Jam is yet to update their website is something that I always find funny/I was reminded of by number one.

http://www2.warnerbros.com/spacejam/movie/jam.htm a link to those who want to laugh!

partyweetow said...

I'm having surgery next Wednesday, and I have to fast the two days beforehand. I've done this plenty of times before, and the first day isn't so hard. It's the second day where I flip through cookbooks and just dream about all the good things those dumb, healthy people can eat whenever they want.

So, I sorta feel your pain. xD

Stefan said...

I have a similar favorite phrase "We have science, right?" from this awesome penny arcade comic: http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2001/03/23/

Chrissy said...

I've heard some pretty good things about Teese vegan cheese. Then you can have a big gooey spaghetti tomato sauce and garlic bread mess! And make your own pizzas!

Newt said...

Today, it being the day before break, we had some extra time in science. We spent that time on this website: http://www.mbhs.edu/~bconnell/cgi-bin/anagram.cgi
One kid's name wouldn't fit, an my teacher says aloud, "Why don't we try Kieth Patrick Dix?"
Elderly teachers saying inappropraite things? Always funny.

Unless you're in health class.

Then it's just creepy.

Anonymous said...

If you like pump up the jam, this might interest you...always funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17lkdqoLt44

EmAC said...

Hey Hayley, I went to visit THE Ohio State today for a general tour. The campus was beautiful, but it will probably seem pathetic (or amazing) to you that the whole time I had my eye out for you.

If I saw you I was going to ask what you had so far and to give you some inspirational push so that you didn't want pizza so badly. But I didn't see you, so sadface to me. Hope you have a good rest of the month!

Anonymous said...

I think you should know that not ALL of your readers are clever and smart. Like myself. But guess what? You're stuck with me! (or should I say your stuck with me? ha.)Now, my list of always funny things!

1. The fact that my city has a street named Ave B S (technically Ave B south... but still).
2. The word condiments.
3. Price misunderstandings. Ex. Me: how much is this? sales person: twenty- four ninety five. me: 25 bucks!?! sales person: no, two thousand four hundred...
4. Greeting people by yelling "HEY HOT SAUCE!"

yeah.

Anonymous said...

lol I don't recall you ever mentioning tina fey in your videos besides saying that you were watching "30 Rock" once. and I know she's been written about in two of your posts.

but I understand the undying devotion thing. tina fey is the greatest.

Rachel said...

11. Hayleyghoover.

Anonymous said...

hayley g hoover is always funny

Nyckeija R said...

This particular post seemed to be very 90s-centric. Or at least in comparison to most of your other posts that don't mention the 90s at all...

Lindsey said...

If you need a guffaw, my baby cousin in bunny ears: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jbm8000/5533207555/in/photostream

:-)

Lauren said...

Ah Guts. Definitely a great show :P
And I totally laughed when I read the word fetus, you're right it's always funny.

Anonymous said...

Oh god you watched GUTS? I freaking loved that show and legends of the hidden temple. Nick Gas was epic!

Anonymous said...

Are you going to do another presence blog?

Niki. said...

I recently began watching 30 Rock because of you. Actually, I read this blog post while waiting for Netflix to load (curse you, crappy college internet) and start another episode. I must agree that it is, in fact, always funny. Thank you very much.

Rosanna said...

Well I don't know about everyone else but I keep coming back because somehow you manage to make everything entertaining. It's pretty amazing.

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