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Thursday, April 7, 2011

I am the pickle girl.

I actually laughed out loud while reading yesterday's comments because, when you think about it, the fact that strangers enjoy reading lists of everything I eat in a day is utterly fantastic. (Crazy, too, but fantastic first.) I mean, ten years ago, Total Request Live was the closest anyone came to having a relationship with the creators of their entertainment. In 2011, everyone with an internet connection and a common interest can forge freakish half-relationships. We all follow each other on twitter, look at pictures of the insides of each others' mouths, make videos from inside our private bedrooms... guys, the internet is cool. You are cool. I love this thing we've got going on. Just wanted to get that off my chest.

However, something I CAN'T get off my chest-- okay, stomach; it was almost a transition-- would be the sleeve of cookies I just scarfed down my gullet. I feel guilty now, even though I stayed within the parameters of my challenge and didn't eat anything containing milk, because this binge session was the only thing keeping me from breaking my own rules and ordering pizza. Today was the first day that my vow to give up dairy has made me more annoyed than excited. I felt fine through my PB&J breakfast and my smoothie/strawberry/pickle lunch (I'll explain later), but dinner just plain sucked. I angrily stabbed at my salad, repeatedly asking my friend, "Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this? Where is the cheese? Why am I doing this?" I was inconsolable until there were two Blow Pops alternating turns on my tongue. I am the most obnoxious six-year-old you've ever met.

I knew the Junk Food Fest of Doom was on the horizon from the second I woke up this morning, but I fought it for as long as possible. It was 70 degrees and gorgeous, so I was outside from 10am until evening, walking around in a feed-me-now kind of stupor. I waited in a ten-minute line for free strawberries at some event for some club whose name I don't care about in the slightest (clearly, their advertising was effective). I was still unsatisfied. I tried to take a nap on a blanket, hoping to be lulled to sleep by the dulcet tones of my stomach gargling like a science fair volcano. I lasted fifteen minutes before a group of picnickers set up shop a yard away from me, cheese fries in tow. There was no solution to this problem, but the closest I could come up with involved pickles.

So I walked uptown to my favorite little deli shop, made my effortless way through its shockingly empty dining area, and had the complete attention of all five people behind the counter. "I just want a big pickle," I announced.

A (very cute) guy with a rolled bandanna around his hair cocked one eyebrow and laughed in my face. "Just a pickle?"

"Just a pickle."

Still chuckling, he told me it'd cost 75 cents. "Ya just really feeling a pickle right now?"

I shrugged. "It's a pickle kind of day."

"I didn't know there was such a kind of day."

Then I said something nonsensical like, "You'd be surprised!" and I walked off with my cylindrical trophy, knowing full well that every employee was watching me leave. I'm sharing this story with you because, first of all, it was amusing, and second of all, college is weird. Where else in the world would you simultaneously be flirted with and stared at like a freak just for buying a pickle? Is the fact that I wanted a pickle, alone, in the middle of a Thursday afternoon, really that intriguing?

I mean... is the act of buying a pickle the kind of thing normal people find unusual? If they think that's weird, how in the world would they react if I told them about this crazy network I have inside my computer screen, complete with inside jokes and separate cliques and huge conferences and Hipster Kitty and bands that exclusively write about inanimate objects from the Harry Potter series? My point is, guys, that we need to make sure we cherish this community we have, because without it, we might have nothing funnier to laugh at than a girl buying a pickle. This universe we've created is amazing and I wouldn't change it for the world. We are so lucky.

And also I would KILL for some cheese right now.


Chipotle burritos this year: 5
Subscribers: 48,342
Nail color: "Onyx Rush," Maybelline
Miles run today: Murrr. This is making me feel guilty. Maybe I'll go run before bed.

51 comments:

Abbie said...

That sounds rough. It is kind of ridiculous that you just bought a pickle (I've never thought to only buy one pickle anywhere except for this video store I used to work at that sold gross giant pickles in little, single-sized, vacuum sealed bags), but they sell them. So obviously they figured people would buy them every once in a while, right?

Keep on truckin'. You can survive non-dairy month!

Anonymous said...

I agree, these communities we have are incredible, it's the future! Pickles are nothing, I have dropped off a ceramic cow head I made in art class at the local coffee shop. Didn't have a need for it so I put it right on the counter and just left. To this day I don't know what they did with it.

Kaitlyn w/ a K said...

I actually crave just a pickle pretty often. I resorted to buying a pickle-in-a-bag out of a vending machine last week. Then yesterday, when the vending machine was empty, I went to the nearest grocery store and tried to find one pickle. No luck. So I went home and ate pickle slices out of the jar in the fridge. YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

Lauren said...

Today I bought 4 Snickers bars from our defective school vending machine because every time I fed it another dollar, it would get stuck. It honestly took 4 tries until one dropped, with 3 others along with it. Some would just shrug and haphazardly kick the machine as they walked away without their candy bar, but I was prepared to empty my wallet right there until I got my way. It's just been one of those days.

Kirsty said...

This strange internet community includes people like me who see the word "pickle" and think MUGGLECAST!!!!!
Good job on plowing through a hard dairy-free day, Hayley!!

Lauren said...

I love how you can make something so deep and insightful from a story of you buying a pickle at a deli.
You are awesome and you can totally do this non-dairy thing!
Just keep buying pickles and DFTBA :D

CeliaAnn said...

Ha, yeah, the first thing I thought of when I saw that you were the pickle girl was Mugglecast. I was waiting for some sort of reference to Picklepack, or something. I really do love this internet community. Also, zesty dill pickle chunks. diushsdfoickjbnsroidfhes. My mouth's watering at the thought. Damn you, Giant Eagle for not selling them!

Ruby said...

It is sad how well pickles go with cheese. I admire your no-cheeseing strength.

anna said...

What kind of pickles do you prefer? I'm a dill pickle fan myself but am not too fond of those bread and butter ones.

allyson said...

See, I feel like pickles are a very sensible food to crave and pursue. Sometimes, ya just want a pickle. If I was your cashier, I would have responded, "You know what? Heck yes you can have a pickle. Have TWO pickles, you deserve it, guurl!"

kyle said...

I was just thinking about this yesterday... everything just "makes sense" in college. Going to Kroger at 2am or doing laundry at midnight? Not weird. Somebody bursts into the lecture with a golf bag, announces "Just playing through," walks across the room and exits out the back door? Standard procedure.

The cheese dilemma reminded me of this.
http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lirvmqZI0y1qa0uujo1_500.jpg

Stefan said...

back when I did soccer in high school like a million years ago I would get really low on sodium and would eat entire jars of pickles. it's was really weird but amazing.

my wife gets those stackers pickles and puts ketchup on them and eats them like that. But she sees ketchup as like a main course... so go figure.

ifimjuliet said...

Pickles keep me alive! I eat a handful of them with hamburgers. My friends give me a weird look each time I do. I don't understand this world of pickle-haters! :)

julieiliana said...

You would be surprised how many conversations I've had with people behind counters that are SO similar to that pickle conversation...
"Just a pickle?"
YES. NOW.
#foodiez4lyf

Tara said...

At first I thought this post was going to be about Pickle Pack but I was mistaken. Pickles are good though!

Courtney said...

Pickles! As in mugglenet! And stuff! ... Yeah. Haha.
Pickles are yummy. I had some of those little pickle slices in a jar today.

Izzy said...

My cousin today told me that "food is dumb".In my eyes,she is no longer part of my family.

I'm so thankful for this community. I love that I'm able to connect with so many awesome people who have better things to laugh at than a girl who is buying a pickle.

Aimee said...

Your "Where is the cheese?" comment probably made me laugh more than intended when you wrote it. I don't even know if it was supposed to be funny, but it made me laugh.

I was wondering how long you'd last before you started craving cheese. I can barely go a day without cheese. I love cheese. I apologize, I'm probably not helping much, am I?

peter said...

I totally get the weird food combs. When I lived in Seattle and was in culinary school these sorts of things were pretty common. Also we took the scoop of flour thing to a whole new level

Bridget said...

Oh jeez! This entire post was hilarious! I've had quite the binge session going on myself. I told my mom to buy me one of those Reese's Eggs and she came home with two bags worth. Throughout the entire day I've been somersaulting and army rolling through the kitchen, grabbing an Egg and running like the wind back to eat them in solitude. And now I find myself craving for a pickle right about now... how strange.

Gwen said...

I agree,this community is amazing and I'm glad to be apart of it. It's wonderful to be able to connect with people half way across the country. I've met some of my best friends because of this community and it consistently blows my mind how many awesome things we can accomplish.

And I wish you luck with your dairy free diet!

Rachel said...

Good luck with the non-dairy. It probably sucks but it will feel better to complete the challenge then to give up. Is there any dairy-free "dairy" products you could try?

Scott said...

I would KILL for a pickle now. If you close your eyes ans listen to the song Wonderwall by Oasis, you'll pretty much understand my attitude about giant deli pickles.

In other news, I changed my blogger profile picture from my moody grade 11 wearing-sunglasses-indoors self to a much more civilized university aged portrait. Fear not, I'm still the same old Scott that's been stalking your blog for the last 3 years.

...Or 1,576,800 minutes if you measure your life in increments of RENT, which I know you do from said stalking. haha

eibbore said...

I don't know how you do it. Giving up the dairy itself would be ok, milk, yogs, cheese (obviously not cheese in your case, you will eat cheese again someday). It's the things made with dairy. MILK CHOCOLATE. I ... just don't know how to give it up.

I like your pickle story. Thank you for blogging.

Bethany Ann said...

Whenever someone mentions pickles, like you did in this post, it make me think of when I was in the hospital. I was about 6 or 7 and was really ill and dehydrated. I ended up staying in the hospital over night for IV fluids. The first thing I asked the next morning when I woke up at like 6 AM was "Mom, can I have a pickle? I really want a pickle". So I then preceded to press the nurse call button and eventually got my pickle [the first thing I'd eaten in days].

Just thought I'd share my pickle story ;)

Loup y-es-tu ? said...

that's an expensive pickle.

Katie said...

He looked at you strangely because pickles are grody! And probably because they are slightly phallic & was imagining you doing dirty things to it. Sorry if I took it too far but it had to be said.

Cucumbers are obviously the way to go.

PunkBunny said...

What if they were staring at you because Mr. Cute Guy, never flirts with customers yet he was flirting with you?
It happens! It really does.

Sidsel said...

Wow. And the blog post came full circle. I love it.

Anonymous said...

Hayleyyyyyy, I don't know if you've said this a million times or it's a touchy subject or something, but seriously, what has happened to Presence?! You set it up so much and then suddenly went AWOL! x

Marie said...

A couple weeks ago I was going insane because I wanted pickles. Just pickles, nothing else. I went to the diner down the street and got grilled cheese. I decided to save the pickles for last, so by the time I ate my grilled cheese and chips...I had eaten so much sodium that the pickles were unsatisfactory and I was upset.

Point of the story is that no, I would not laugh at a girl who just wants to buy a pickle. I'd give her the damn pickle for free!

Also, I quite like this strange arrangement we all have, reading people's blogs and feeling like we know them even though we don't. I suppose it could be weird or creepy, but I like to think of it as fun and interesting. Yeah, we'll go with that...

Victoria said...

You just related a pickle to the internet community. I love your brain.

Shelby Ostergaard said...

My friend likes to buy just pickles! They sell them at Jimmy Johns for 75 cents and they come in little plastic baggies at 7/11 for a dollar. So, maybe my town is just stranger than most towns? I have no idea, but we did just have the Math Team walk at a school assembly, so we're doing alright.

sibbsadventure said...

Are you not allowing yourself goats' cheese/feta? Technically that doesn't count ;)

Anonymous said...

go eat some cheese...
the whole nondairy thing is kind of lame, sounds to me like the old atkins/nocarbs/nowheat diets that were crazy popular before but for the most part turned into nothing.

bookmouse99 said...

So this should actually go on yesterday's post, but I clicked the wrong button and I am too lazy to try again

When you starred the thing about eggs, and made reference to them in relation to your lack of dairy this month, it reminded me of a stupid moment I had that still makes everyone involved laugh

I was working orientation for my university 3 years ago, in may where we help potential freshmen pick classes and make the final decision to come to my university. A whole bunch of orientation leaders were sitting in the student centre, eating lunch. One of them was saying something about how the voucher they give us to buy food doesn't buy much, and we weren't eating a balanced meal. So I piped up, saying "well your eating an egg-a-muffin. You've got the muffin, which is grain, the sausage, which is protein, your juice, which is fruit and veggies, and your eggs and cheese, which is dairy". The whole group turned to me and said "eggs aren't dairy" and I, running on little to no sleep, said "yes they are, they are in the dairy aisle because eggs come from cows". Everyone stared at me for a minute, and a few second later I realized what I had said. We all died laughing for a good 15 minutes, and I am pretty sure that quote is still on many a facebook profile.

Em said...

Wow, you're actually doing this "diary free" thing better than me. *Ashamed*
.... Hm yes, even though I'm lactose intolerant...

I guess that makes you my new hero!

Hannah said...

Usually when I crave something I'll just give in with the excuse that my body is clearly trying to tell me it wants whatever vitamins said craving has and ignor that I'm probabally just addicted.
Also, when you mentioned Thursday I got sad.

Rennie said...

Pickles are great! All the guys working there were definitely like "Huh huh I'll give her a pickle.." but it's worth it! Reminder of your gender? Maybe. (I'm really mature)

I can completely sympathize with your (almost) vegan draw to junk food. I told myself that veganism would be healthier, but for dinner I had an oily grilled tofu sandwich, french fries, and then a vegan cupcake for dessert. Definitely not healthy. I blame Friday nights.

bassrocks9 said...

I, personally, would not eat a pickle if you paid me.
But last night at some ungodly hour I was indulging in other eye-binge of internet food porn, and suddenly had the hugest craving for something gingerbread-flavored. But instead of running into the kitchen and trying to actually feed that craving, I just kept looking at pictures and reading about gingerbread things until I got sick of it.
I have a problem...

Miranda said...

they didn't laugh about the pickle because it's weird, they laughed because it's suggestive, I believe. Though I think you knew that anyways.

I will forever use the line "Why am I doing this? where's the cheese? Why am i doing this?" You can DO THIS!

Miranda<3

Niki. said...

The way you write about everyday events (or, you know, as everday-event-ish as buying a pickle is) makes your life seem so poetic and YA-novel-like. When I write about things I do or things people say it just sounds silly. Then again, you are the writer here...

Completely agreed about the community we have here, though. 'Tis pretty sweet.

Anonymous said...

Mkay I catch up on the blogs after a few days...and I wonder if anyone was able to read this blog without desperately craving a pickle afterwards. *heads to fridge*

Manar said...

Pickles are yummy.

And I love the internet too.

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