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Friday, August 14, 2009

Having friends is so freaking hard.

Having friends live across the country is incredibly difficult. Today, I screamed the Rent soundtrack, ate potato teasers, discussed theology, and had an all-around fantastic time with awesome people with whom I share all kinds of nerdy interests. I kick myself when they're having a bad day or an issue and I'm too far away to make it better. And yet, at the same time, it's really upsetting that this week, of all weeks, another out-of-town friend and Jess are both having really awful things happen in their lives. I can't reach the out-of-towner, and I'm down the road from Jess, but don't have the time or means to see her. Friendship, for all the good, is really hard sometimes.

For example, I had to go get my hair done this afternoon, because it was my last chance before going off to college, and I had to leave the girls I rarely get to see with Sebastian while he ran errands (taking him away from his close friend's bachelor party!) and then drop them at a Barnes & Noble for like two hours, so that I could pay way too much for my hair to be way too dramatic. I feel bad, because I want to spend time with them. Lots and lots of time. And all the while, I have a whole lot of stuff I need to do before I leave, and while I'm used to long-distance friendships, I am not used to long-distance Jess. She was on vacation, without a phone, and now she's home, but I can't see her. I'm seriously feeling the pain of having not hung out with Jess in, like, two weeks, and as soon as the New Jersey girls leave, I'm going to be mourning the loss of them. Raaawr.

Oh. I'm also mourning the loss of my hair. Everyone young seems to like it enough, but my parents share my feelings. It's not BAD or anything, but it's sort of trashy. Lots of chunky dark and blonde low/highlights, and a bright magenta peeking underneath the front. It looks a little bit like a cosmetology student's first taste of freedom, and while it cost as much as a whole shelfful of books, it resembles the results of a drug store boxed dye. As I sat in that uncomfortable spinny chair with foil covering my hair, wondering what the stylist meant by "it's going to look unnatural in a good way," I really wanted to cry. Not about my hair, I mean, but it was sort of icing on the cake. 

I'm heartsick about my one friend's drama, weirded out about my lack of post-nearly-fatal-car-accident best friend, regretful for wasting my limited time with my internet friends, feeling guilty about stressing Sebastian, shaking on the inside about my earlier encounter with Justin Timberlake and thoughts of those to come, uncomfortable about the way I have to interrupt my parents' busy lives by filling their house with guests, nervous about school, excited about school, on edge for not having any time to blog or make videos, and missing the money I've lately had to spend.

So yeah, I'm feeling all of this, and in the meantime, my hair is soaking up chemicals that will make me look like a honky tonk dancer.

And now I'm not looking forward to sleeping, because in the morning I have to wake up early to transport people somewhere I've never driven before (which is sort of my biggest cause of anxiety in this world) to either assist with things outside my job description or watch other people. Then I get to use a lot more gas, still not see Jess, and suffer a million mini heart attacks every time I make eye contact with my first love. And to top it all off, the fiveawesomegirls video I made didn't even upload after hours, for reasons totally unknown, and now it isn't Thursday anymore. So there won't be a single video on the channel all week. Great.

I don't know how this happened. I was happy when I left my friend's bachelorette party, which consisted of vegan snacks and lingerie and Harry Potter and Jesus, and now I feel awful. Sorry to drag you down after two days of no new posts. Hopefully tomorrow will bring better stories.

91 comments:

Skinny Malone said...

Wow, it sounds like things are pretty tough for you right now, Hayley. I've been praying for Jess and her family since you mentioned the car accident, though, and I will continue to do so during this tough time.

To me, it just seems that life goes by so fast that you fail to realize the importance of things until it's too late. Honestly, I've kinda felt like I've wasted my life on a few occasions recently and that it's too late for me to really do anything about it, but I just keep reminding myself that I've gotta stay focused on the present and what great things the future may hold. All in all, my advice is to give it all to Him and let His miraculous work be done in your life so your heart will no longer be hindered. Don't worry, in due time, you'll have a big ol' smile back on your face before ya know it. I'll definitely be praying for you, Ms. Hoover.

On a final note, I'm sure your hair looks lovely no matter what. God bless you. :)

Emma said...

I just got my haircut really short... I'm not really sure if I like it, but I just keep telling myself- "It's just hair. It WILL grow back" And seriously, I am sure your hair looks fine, I think that haircuts are one of those "you're your own worst critic" things, you end you obsessing over how it looks while everyone else thinks it looks great.

OK, well, I just wrote like a paragraph about hair (is this a Harry Potter forum?) but I just got my hair cut in a "I'm not sure I like it cut" yeterday and I'm feeling the pain. But Hayley, you are wonderful and amazing and creative and a great friend to Jess, and all those other people too. I check your blog like three times a day to see if you've posted and I'm always happy to see a new post from you, even if it is a sort of angsty one

Anonymous said...

hugs?

ThePeterIs said...

One person can't possibly feel all that at once. They'd explode.







It's very likely that I got that slightly wrong. But I'm sure it was close enough for you to get it.

Krazy_4_Kelly said...

Thank you for posting how crappy you're feeling. Even though that sounded way mean, it's not meant to be. I'm pretty much in a similar boat right now getting ready for school and not having as much time for my internet friends and being excited and nervous all at the same time. It's nice knowing that someone else feels the same way.

About your out-of-town friends, I had a friend that I adore in for 2 weeks during my high school graduation and felt so bad for leaving her a lot of days to go to graduation stuff, do college things with my mom, or go places she would be bored at so she opted to stay home. It sucks but I'm sure your friends don't mind you leaving to continue living your life every so often so don't stress about feeling bad for leaving them.

About your hair, the colors should naturally lighten out or start to look more natural soon so just hold out for that.

About Justin Timberlake, try your best to ignore him which is hard but Sebastian is a great guy so you're not missing out. Focus more on your friends than on him.

About the 5AGs video, post it anyways even if it's not Thursday anymore!

Hopefully you feel better soon. I would recommend reading HP but I think hanging out with fandom friends will have the same affect.

Thanking for being honest with us in this blog. It helps a lot of people more than you will probably ever know.

/cheesy comments

ThePeterIs said...

Oh, and when you get a minute, you should post a picture of you with your new hair. You know, that way we can all tell you how pretty it looks.

Caroline said...

Hayley, it is scary and quite unfortunate how well I know what you are going through. I'm off to college 2.5 hours away from my house in a week and there is so much I still have to do.

On top of that, on Sunday my best friend since kindergarten crashed into a tree and had to be taken by helicopter two hours away to one of the biggest hospitals in the state. Thankfully, she's fine and home now, but she'll be in a wheelchair for a while with far too many injuries for me to think about. It kills me that I'll be leaving her now when this is probably the hardest thing she's ever had to go through. Although, I know she has a wonderful family and a fantastic boyfriend that will take care of her in my absence.

Her situation makes me feel so guilty for stressing over what kind of lamp I should get for my dorm or if I should get bangs or not at my hair appointment next week.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but just know that I kind of know what you're going though. :)

Abby said...

Hey Hayley,
To be honest I feel like I'm writing a quick Facebook Wall post to a good friend who I haven't seen in a while. Is that weird?
Anyways, I just wanted to say, don't worry about us. Like you've said many yimes, we all take the time out of our day to read your blog because we care about you. I'm pretty sure we all want you to be happy so don't stress out about not blogging.

toastburntbread said...

Hayley! You sound so stressed! You have every reason to be with all that's going on!
But I know being stressed is a dreadul feeling so I am going to give you a computer hug even though;
a)that's really lame
b)you have no idea who i am meaning a complete stranger wants to give you a hug.
I just really want you to feel happy and lovely, and this is the only way i could possibly, a little bit, maybe help.
*HUG!!!!!!!!

kalimagination said...

One of my worst fears is driving some place I haven't driven to, too.
Just last night, I was driving to this restaurant that's about two blocks from my house but that I've never been to and I was panicked about not only not being able to find a parking space, but also not being able to find the door to the restaurant....
Oh, and while this is totally irrelevant, I feel you should know. Ever since you posted that link to the NSync video, I have sort of become obsessed with them. Not only have I been listening to them nonstop, I've also requested them 18 times to my local radio station and made several NSync ringtones...

I'm sorry life is difficult right now :-/ My friend and I have found that one of our favorite ways of dealing with tough times is distracting ourselves as much as possible. That's what I tried to accomplish with this comment. I hope things start improving for you.<33

Robynne said...

I can't say that I understand completely, but I definitely understand a lot of this.

I leave on Monday, and I'm trying to squeeze my last days of babysitting and income, seeing friends before I leave, packing and reading in order to be prepared for school, and visiting my mom in the hospital.

Starting college is stressful. It's really hard to come home from a great time with friends and then start thinking about things and just getting really depressed.

I'll pray for your transition as well as mine. It'll be easy to remember. :)

seurat2 said...

I hate to just say that it is going to be all right, but really it is going to be all right. You've got a lot of things balanced up there, and you're like the juggler just before they start dropping things. But they don't usually drop things and in the same way you won't neglect anything important. You'll get your balance back just in time and soon you'll be coasting along through life again. And I'll bet your hair looks awesome too.

Katy said...

HayleyHayleyHayleyHayleyHayleyHayleyHayley

never ever feel like you HAVE to blog for US. when you've got this much on your plate, HONESTLY, deal with it. we love you and want to be here to support you, as well as text on a screen can, but we (or at least I) don't want to be an extra burden.

Everything will be OK. Life will calm down, I promise.

How can I promise this?

Well... it will. You'll find a new routine at school, and while it might be rocky for the next few weeks in preparation and emotional strings with so much on your plate (why does it always seem that everything happens at the same time? weeks and weeks of uneventful happenstances, then BOOM: shittons of stress), but eventually it'll all die down and it'll be back to weeks and weeks of uneventful, yet enjoyable, happenstances.

lovelovelovelove <3

Anonymous said...

Gosh, that seems tough. I really hope everything works out for you. Good luck with friends, family, JT, your hair and college!

Cheer up Hayley :) said...

<3

Eddy said...

Take care of the people who are with you in real life. Don't worry about your blog until after the wedding and everyone has gone home. Instead of blogging, take the time to call or see Jess. Your loyal blog readers understand everything you have going on in your life. I would bribe you with Chipotle burritos and S'mores if I thought you would take my advice.

Eddy said...

Wow, I didn't mean for that to sound like a lecture. I know everything will be okay for you!

Tamsin-Emillie said...

I'm sure everything will calm down soon, plus I'm sure you are feeling guilty about things that you shouldn't because they are your friends and I am sure that they totally understand how busy you are at the moment with going off to college alone let alone the rest of it all...Just calm down it'll all be fine =)

Marie said...

I hope that writing it out helped relieve even the tiniest bit of stress. Anyway, I couldn't possibly know how you feel right now, but I think all of us have had massive amounts of stress all at once, so I can relate. I don't really have great advice, seeing as I can barely handle my own stress, but every once in a while just stopping and taking deep breaths helps calm me, even for a little bit. I know, not extremely helpful, but I just want you to know that we all care about you, random internet people that we are, and we hope you can get through it and still be able to smile.

Oh, and about the hair- since you said it wasn't horrible, I think this will apply. My mom cut my hair a few months ago, and I told her just below my shoulders, and it ended up shorter. I don't look very good with short hair, so when I looked in the mirror, I wanted to cry. But after a couple days I just got used to it. So hopefully the same thing will happen with your hair.

Brynne Annaë said...

*hugs*

Really all I can offer. :)

Just gotta say, though, I'm really glad I'm not the only one who hates driving places I haven't been. It keeps me awake at night, anticipating something like that.....

Lauren said...

I’ll be praying for you and jess this weekend.
Be safe, and don’t feel bad that you can’t make the time to be pulled in fifty different directions. Hopefully they’ll understand.
HAVE FUN!

VTBurninator said...

Cheer-up Charlie!! Everything is going to work out.

My gf had a similar hair affair...she decided she didn't want to spend a lot of money on getting her hair colored so she went to a cosmetology school. And by cosmetology school, think more like The Beauty Shop…with a boom-box blasting the jams and lots of hair braiding. Her grown out, previously high-end salon hair didn't look bad but she couldn't stand the roots and she wanted to lighten it up. So she went to the school and allowed a student, under no teacher supervision, to apply bleach to chunks of her hair. When the teacher returned, my gf sat way to long letting her hair turn a lovely shade of orange. By the time she left, the student and teacher were raving about how good it looked while my girlfriend (who has been known to cry a time or two about her hair) was beyond tears and laughing hysterically all the way to Sally's. She promptly purchased, went home and applied brown dye to her orange/brown head. So much for staying a blonde, but it looks good. Guess she should’ve just bought the brown dye to begin with.

partyweetow said...

*hug*

Steve said...

even though i don't know you, I feel like giving you a massive hug! :D

Katie said...

Good luck with everything, dear. I had some hard times in high school and during the transition from high school to college, and my best friend and I would always rely on one quote to fight it through the hard times.

"Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

<3

Kelly said...

Oh my God, I said (basically swore) the title of your blog last night obliviously to myself not knowing you would type it shortly after. I've been having the same problem- having a friend nearby who needs and misses you but you're too busy to spend time with her. Anyways, you're a Godsend. I feel like I got a good vent and a cry off my chest just by reading your blog and I sincerely hope you felt the same after posting it. Feel better! You can tough this horrible week out :)

Elizabeth said...

You know, as far as your whole, "Let's live in the real world and not on the internet" thing goes, you don't have to feel guilty about not vlogging or blogging for us. We would totally understand, and it sounds like you've got plenty of things happening in the real world to keep you occupied. I'm praying for you, and Jess.

eibbore said...

As the Killers did sing: "Everything will be alright"

It's stressful but you're getting to see so many people that you haven't seen in a long time and two of your best friends are about to embark upon one of the happiest days of their lives.

You'll be ok, just try and de-stress when you get a sec.

*hugs*

Sarah said...

Hayley, I can just feel the stress flying off the computer screen. I wish I could send you some sort of calming energy, or do something that would make things better for you. I'm sending good thoughts your way anyways, and hoping that amidst all the stress, you are able to enjoy the moments as they come.

(I'm only home for two weeks this summer, and am also experiencing the stress of trying to balance friends/parents drama/being in a wedding/driving to said wedding in a city I've never been to before (great source of anxiety for me too), so I sympathize with the stress and know that being calm/enjoying the moments is not as easy as it sounds!)

As for the blog and/or 5AG video, we all understand that you have a life, so don't feel pressure! We'll all be here when you get back.

Rachel said...

Sounds like many many tough things are going on in your life at the present time, Hayley. I hope Jess and her family are recovering from the car accident. Your hair will look amazing no matter what, don't worry. I'm sorry I can't say anything more encouraging. Bless your heart, Hayley.

Hope you feel better, Rachel

[=

Hilary said...

I'm sorry you're so stressed out. I am. I'm stressed out too, but not to your extent. Yes, you have SO MUCH going on right now, and it's about to reach a breaking point. There are never enough hours in a day. We could all use some more. BREATHE! You, Hayley G. Hoover, will figure something out. Not perfectly, it might not even work, but you will devise a plan and just do it.

And, sure, you may not like your hair now, but give it time. You have really nice hair, so it will look fine.

Also, I hope Jess okay. I'll say a rosary for her. (:

Maddy said...

I wish I knew what to say to help. *cyber hug* I really hope that things get better for you soon, Hayley <3

Morgan said...

As Shakespeare says "This, too, shall pass"! All of it!
And soon, you will be at college doing college things with awesome college people.

Plus!
Liane made a video, so no worries!

:P

Catherine said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're stressing so much right now, it's really unfair that all this stuff is happening to you right now. Stay strong! I know it's overwhelming now, but we all know how strong you really are and that you'll make it through this.

Seriously, ignore Justin Timberlake (even though I know you can't really), get "lost" and stop to see Jess (even if it's only for five minutes), remember that hair is never permanent, have an awesome time at the wedding (you'll get to hang out with everyone there), make your parents dinner to express your gratitude and undying love for them (after all the commotion is over).

And don't worry about your blog readers, we can survive without you for a few days so ignore us and have fun!

Emily said...

Aw! *cyber hugs* I hate stress when it all piles up on you! I hope you have a really good time at the wedding and everything goes well and smoothly. And I hope your stress goes away really soon!

Robyn said...

I share your anxiety over the driving thing. Earlier in the summer I had to drive a couple of my friends some place, about an hour away, I wasn't familiar with. So, the day before I drove there by myself, google maps in tow, just to save myself the embarrassment of possibly getting lost and panicking.

Matt said...

Please don't apologize for not making videos or blogs. You should always take care of things IRL before you worry about the internet.

And as for moving away from your best friend, don't worry about that. My best friend from high school and I moved away to separate colleges and sometimes don't see each other for over a year. But, whenever we do see each other, it's like no time has passed and we reconnect almost immediately.

Scott said...

I'm sorry you're so stressed. I may be addicted to your blog, but please don't feel that you always have to appease us!

And as for JT creeping back into view - Just remember, he can't hurt you if he's not important to you, and how important he is is up to you. So flip him the bird, and focus on who, and what, is important! <3333

Lady Kerrigan said...

You know... I'm in a similar situation best friend-wise. I'm also used to having long distance friendships, but not with someone who lives literally down the street either, and she just left to live halfway across the country for a while too :/ It sucks, but we'll get it through it with our minimal calls/letters/texts.

As for your hair, the colors will definitely lighten, especially a color like pink. I've also noticed that darker colors seem to lighten up pretty fast too, so just try not to obsess over it TOO much. It's definitely true that when it comes to hair, the one who has it is most critical... couldn't tell you how many times I couldn't get mine to look the way I want it and people end up loving it anyway.

[insert a super big internet-hug here]

p.s. don't ever feel like you have to keep the readers happy with a blog... if you have too much going on, you have too much going on; you don't need to feel guilty :]

Tabby-Kate said...

y thoughts are with you Hayley, I know life can get tough and I' really glad you have this blog to vent to, I'm sure your hair looks awesoe, honestly, its always hard to like a haircut straight away, everything is better with time.

DFTBA

89ravenclaw said...

all this stress will pass, and a month or two from now you'll only remember the good stuff that has and will happen this weekend. yay, faulty human memory

TarahPaintsDaisies said...

Hayley, you've obviously forgotten how awesome you are.

I can completely relate to the nervous/jittery/guilty/excited/stressed mood you were in, and everyone has a right to express how they're feeling. So don't even feel bad about telling us why you're upset. That's why we're here. Because even though we've never met you, we read your blog because we care about you and the stuff you go through, and we WANT you to fill us in so that when you do forget how awesome you are, we're here to remind you in each of our own unique ways.

You're so strong and courageous and witty and hilarious and you're bursting with potential. You can get through anything with those traits of yours, girly.

I saw Liane's 5 Awesome Girls video, and let me just say that your hair looks adorable on you.
And trust me, I am brutally honest when it comes to hair. You've gotta go easier on yourself.

We're here for you.

allison said...

Don't worry; I sense calmer waters ahead. We're never given more than we can handle- even if we can't exactly see it yet. (:

Keep on keepin' on!

kaitlin said...

I hope tomorrow is better. :)

Freya said...

Oh wow Hayley, I dont really have anything insightfull to say so ill just give you a vertual hug.
-Hug-
I really mean the hug like Im hugging air right now, 'cos im a cool kid.

I hope things get better for you, and your friends Hayley.
<3

erin meagan said...

I love the RENT soundtrack. My best friend moved and at first it was so weird, because i wasn't used to her being so long-distance. After time went by though, our friendship stayed as strong, if not getting even stronger. We are such good friends that if we see each other only once in 3 months, it's like we just saw each other, because of online communication, and just us knowing each other so well. I think that however your hair is, you can pull it off and rock it. I hope you feel better, and have great energy, because I know that you can get back to being your usual self.
It's pretty amazing how many comments you get on all of your blog posts. It's cool to see that people care, people you know, and people you don't.

:)
DFTBA.

Emily B. said...

Hayley, i'm so sorry you are so stressed! I really hope you feel better and get a chance to just hang out, stress free, with your friends. Thanks for blogging when all this is going on because I always love to read your blog:)

traderbob11 said...

Hello You, Yes It's Me

You are confused about college: Most Freshmen end up on academic probation--BEER PONG is all that matters, that and bragging how the only sleep someone gets is during class. Classes are always scheduled around how late someone gets to sleep in. You had a week without parental units and came home at what time? Now you can begin to understand College Life. It's hard to believe your sister didn't clue you in.

AND THIS: "regretful for wasting my limited time with my internet friends"
WOW HAYLEY
If I were and actual friend I'd be hurt. Almost as much as when my Dad unsubscribed me.

SMILES GIRL--BRING THE SMILES

Larangutang said...

I'm so sorry. I really hope things get better and you get to enjoy yourself more! Don't worry be happy!
I try.

tranquilily said...

This reminds me of Hermione explaining to Harry and Ron all the things that Cho must be feeling in Order of the Phoenix.

Feel better soon!

cassiumpotassium said...

you will get through everything just fine. you're hayleyghoover for goodness sakes! :]
but! try to enjoy the fact your friends are there & they're all okay. i have faith in you!

cassie.

janitorbud said...

i know you probably don't want to, but i wish you would explain everything.
this is a blog, so you don't HAVE to actually go into detail, but i'd like to know, so i can say something comforting, and now i feel like i know you AND i really want to know about justin timberlake =D

"Kathryn" said...

I know my opinion doesn't matter at all and won't make you feel the least bit better, but your hair looked super good in Liane's 5AG video this week. I really do like it. And also: FEEL BETTER!!! (Not meant to be a harsh demand; I just really hope you feel better about everything soon.)

Christian the Heretic said...

I'm sorry, Hayley.
=(

The Vagabond said...

Wow. That sounds like an aweful lot of stress for one person. While I don't exactly know what it's like having a bunch of internet friends and never getting to see them, I do know how you feel about your IRL friends. This time of the year is always so stressful because you're trying so hard to get your friends together before you all leave because you're afraid that it won't be like this again and you won't be as close after a year away from each other, but at the same time you are all incredibly busy. Just know that you will be back with them before you know it and you will realise that not much has really changed at all. You'll just have cool college stories to tell each other :-)

I will pray for your stress levels, your year at school, and of course Jess. Have a good week and enjoy your time with friends as well as the rest of the summer.

VicMorrowsGhost said...

Your writing very effectively communicates the anxiety you feel about trying to balance all these responsibilities and relationships, exacerbated by the shortness of time.

Translation; Your writing makes me empathize with you and now I feel crappy. Damn your wordsmith talents. :P

SlytherinSweetie said...

Wow. That is an awful lot of stress. I've felt like that before. It's hell. So, I'm gonna send you some hugs, since I suck at advice! K? *hugs* ^^

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