Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Sad Day

As wonderful as yesterday was, much of today was stingingly sad. I had lunch with Lor (TOLauren) in a break between her college classes, but as neither of us has been up to anything exciting, and we both tweet/read each other's facebooks and things, it was a mostly depressing conversation. For the first time, the reality of my leaving sunk in. Lor's a hot art major, meeting the other clarinets in her marching band, preparing for a life that, for the most part, won't involve me. She's been one of my best friends since we wrote short stories together in second grade, and I simply don't know how to function without her small influences. We sat on the swings at the park for a few minutes, trying to talk, but a landscaper with a power lawnmower kept interrupting the conversation with loud noise and the spitting of chopped grass. Perhaps it's the writer inside of me, but I couldn't help but notice the symbolism. My friend and I were together, but we were both aware of the distance that will soon be between us, and the thought of it was enough to spoil one of our last bits of time.

After my melancholy goodbye to Lor, I sat around for a good stretch of time singing songs from A Very Potter Musical to my dog. I'm such a reader and internet freak that I'm not usually prone to boredom, but I felt pressingly alone and useless. Jess and Sebastian came by to try and remedy this, but we didn't really do anything fun. We hung out in Jess's room and watched her pack for her move-in tomorrow, and at one point, there was vegetable lo mein involved. Part of me is glad for the opportunity to see my friends as much as possible, and the other half feels really sick and sad to see Jess gather all the gear she'll need to go meet people I'll never know. Everything Sebastian said and did managed to make me mad or upset tonight, and none of it was his fault. Your boyfriend and best friend should not go to the same school and hang out all the time when you're living hours away. They just shouldn't.

I'm just... I don't know. I'd say none of these feeling are irrational or unpredictable, but it's not like anticipating them makes it easier.

I think I'm going to go take that bath I decided against last night, and, even though I'm in the middle of a million books that are a lot more fulfilling and important, I think I'll reread Sarah Dessen's This Lullaby tonight. It's about the summer before starting college, and when it became one of my favorite books of all time, I was in eighth grade. I'm interested to find out if I like it as much now that I'm Remy's age and all the glamour of eighteen-year-olds has faded. I'll let you know.

Sexy: Darren Criss, cowriter and star of the Potter musical. I've never met him, and I know nothing about him as a person, but he sure is talented and super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot. I have a big crush on him.
Unsexy: My current state of mind/emotion. Boo.

Chipotle burritos this year: 27
S'mores this summer: 6
Subscribers: 19,817

Bye, guys. Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow. <3


to_thine_own_self said...

I can relate.
I just graduated, as well, and all of my friends have been leaving me.
The past, like, month I've been feeling like this.

Growing up stinks. Lol.

Tonioniniiii said...

ah it's sad to see you so down :/
surprisingly me and my friends are bearing up well with the uni moves. maybe this is because we are only moving at the most around 250 miles from each other. despite this realistically the next time we will all be able to meet up is christmas which is a depressingly long time away :(

i'm sure you and all your friends will keep in touch and you will all be having a blast at uni making new friends to feel sad! :D

much love

Anonymous said...

I'm about to start my sophmore year of college and had very similar feelings this time last year...
My school starts much later than the rest of my friends, so I went through a period of about 2 miserable weeks. My friends were all at their schools meeting new friends, while I was still stuck at home. All I can say, is for me, it got a lot better once I was at school meeting new people too. My 'home' friends are still my best friends but creating new and (hopefully) strong friendships at school helped me a lot. (So did massive amounts of skype calls and an epic group facebook message)

Good luck with everything and I hope your mood improves :)

(also, I'm always worried about my grammer/spelling/general writing while if I failed at that)

lindsey said...

Before I get into blog reader support mode, I just thought you'd like to know that there is a" Potter Fan Dating" site as your advertisement. Geek 2 Geek. Not even joking.

Anyway, it's always always always the worst at the very beginning. Then you'll realize that maybe it's not as bad as you initially thought. You'll start meeting people that you're going to wonder how you went your whole life without knowing them. I promise, it's not going to be as bad as you think.

Anonymous said...

My mood mirrors your blog.
I'm leaving for school tomorrow.
All day I've been really excited about it, zipping up my bags, getting in one last reading of this or that...
But then around five o' clock everyone else in the house left. My brothers went to soccer practice and my mum and dad went to coach their respective teams.
And then Mum came home and said she's not making dinner, we have to forage for ourselves. I literally ran upstairs in tears because it's my last night home and we haven't eaten dinner as a family since July, and now we won't till Thanksgiving.
Dumb thing to cry over. I don't want to be mad at my mother because she's tired and not cooking dinner. But I'll MISS it. And my friends. And even my annoying little brothers and foster sister.

Sarah Arant said...

I'm not looking forward to that feeling next summer after I graduate. Thus, I'm running away from it to Romania for a month in the summer. I figure it's better to enhance the life of gypsy orphans than allow myself to be depressed.
I'm sorry you are not having a good time with this. =(

I also think it's impossible to not have a crush on Darren Criss. He is just fantastic.

Freya said...

Awh Hayley. Im so sorry that your time with your friends is drawing to a close. But you'll still see them ofton enough, which is better than nothing. Plus you're going to make loads of new friends at collage. If I was older than you id say: Its just begining. Alas, I am a mere 15 years with some wisdom. But not when it comes to collage. But im sure that its true.

I have a huge crush on Darren Criss too. So does half the females in the Potter fandom. His hair, his eyes, his talent.*siiiigh*

notaclareintheworld said...

If it makes you feel any better, I'm almost 20 and This Lullaby never ceases to cheer me up. Mostly because I wish Dexter would jump out of the pages and sweep me off my feet, but you know.

And yeah, it's hard being apart from your friends. What I do is I always call people when I'm walking places so that I definitely talk to them frequently. And you seem so close to your friends, so I'm sure you'll be able to pick up right where you left off come winter break.

Anonymous said...

:( I'm but a lowly high school sophomore, but I think I can kind of almost understand how you feel(but probably not). ):

janitorbud said...

i'm in my new college state now. i can't stop feeling all sad and such. it's depressing
i know exactly what you're saying

Gomezzio said...

Don't worry Hayley, everything will be alright. [I sound like a therapist. I like it.] Your friends are probably feeling the same way you are, and you're going to make new friends just like they are. Wallow in your sadness tonight, but tomorrow morning, just know that you're not losing them for your life, just for a little while.

Bigred719 said...

I totally understand how you feel about your life now. Last year I was going into my freshman year and it was the same with my friends. The overwhelming truth that things were going to change and everyone was living.

What hurt the most is they all left to go to school and I got stuck staying at home and commuting to school. Just be glad you get to go away and experience new things.

The other thing I noticed is that this summer, before my sophomore year of college, we've all gotten so much closer because we missed each other and actually had things to talk about.

Things will get better Hayley!

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for the e-hugs. :)
Seriously...the comment makes me feel a lot better (though ice cream for dinner helps as well...maybe not long-term, though, if you know what I mean). <3

Anonymous said...

Hayley, I love reading your blog because you're going through the exact same things I am right now. I've been a freshman in college for a little less than a week, and I miss my best friends like crazy.

Good luck in college- I'm sure you'll do amazingly :)

agioacchini said...

Funny, because this is exactly how I felt today. I leave next weekend but all my close friends leave Friday and Saturday. Today was my last day with two of them, and the goodbye's were hard and I'm nervous and kind of just down in the dumps. It's comforting to know that so many other people are feeling the same emotions though. Not that it helps or makes it any less hard to cope with the fact that people you're so use to having around will not be there anymore, but it's obviously something that will grow easier in time. I'm sure once you get to school things will all seam a lot better... at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Raz said...

I'm in the same boat. Nearly everyone in my life is going off to uni or moving across the country. *hug*

Alice said...

Hey hayley, remember me? that blogtv girl who asked you if freshman year was going to suck? well it kind of does, I just moved to this state and no one has so much as said "hello" to me, and I dont know why I'm telling you this but you seem like the kind of girl who would have good advice. Thanks for the wonderful blog posts!

nicole. said...

oh dear, i hate those days.
i live in california and last year all my friends were heading off to college before me. i felt like i was alone in our town, the last vestige of the school year that hadn't quite made it out yet. the worst part was having to say goodbye to my best friend that was going to school in, get this, new york. it sucked BALLS, to be less eloquent. and while i moaned about being away from my friends, when i finally got to my college 3 hours away, it just felt right. everything just felt right. i don't know if this will happen with you, but knowing other people have gone through what i'm going through gives me some kind of hope. especially if they came out the other side a better person (which i think i have, but i can't say).

Katy said...

Oh Darren Criss...
join the club.

Jordiekins said...

"I'm such a reader and internet freak that I'm not usually prone to boredom, but I felt pressingly alone and useless."

Oh, Hayley, you're not alone... *holds it in for as long as he can*... "'CAUSE YOU'RE HERE WITH ME!"

<3 I love that song. Chin up, kiddo.

I'm totally younger and I called you kiddo.

jessmcfadden said...

Oh my gosh, these comments are so much MORE depressing!

fireinthexdisco said...

Reading This Lullaby will help, I promise.
I'm leaving Friday for college, and even though my boyfriend is going to the same college as me, It's so bittersweet to see everyone separated from me.

But This Lullaby is one of my favorite books as well, and it's miraculous how easily it can remedy even the worst moods.

Don't give up, Hayley! <3 Your blogs have always been a highlight to my day, and I know you're strong enough to not let this hold you down.

kira902k said...

I was scowling, and feeling bad as I read this entire post, until I got to where you mentioned Darren Criss: I immediately started grinning and nodding furiously.

Darren is beyond supermegafoxyawesomehot. He is roeeoihifdcdlkdmals. He is my soul mate. MINE, I tell ya. MINE.

Now, about your day.
Leaving does suck. I've moved far away several times in my life, and having to see my friends have fun without me, create memories without me is awful.
But then you meet such great people, you make new friends, you create your own memories. And you stay close with your old friends.
It'll be okay.


Katy said...

I'm dreading the day I leave for college, but I've got time.

This Lullaby is a great book, one of my favorites.

Eileen said...

I just graduated from college, and I totally know what you're feeling. I had the same feelings 4 years ago. Think of it this way - when you're at home on breaks, and after college, the same people will (hopefully) be right in the same town :)

allison said...

I'm going to play Little Miss Sunshine here. Minus the Superfreak dance.
You're obviously very close to your friends, so the relationships you make can withstand the test of distances. It might suck for a little while, but think of all the stories you'll be able to share once you reunite (reunited and it feels so goooood.)

This is what happens when a 15 year old tries to give advice after band camp. For the record, I have a new understanding for Gumby; it isn't cool to be bent into unnatural positions.

...If it makes you feel better, insert a 'that's what she said' joke.

Chin up, Hayley! I sense sunshine ahead!

hannah said...

Awww *hugs*

Adrienne said...

don't worry hayley, it seems bad now but i know you'll have tons of fun and meet plenty of new people in college. if you and TOL are good enough friends, you'll find a way to remain so even while she and sebastian are going away together. i really can't relate, seeing as im just starting high school in a few weeks, but im sure everything will work out. much love<333

traderbob11 said...

Hayley, really Lor sounds more like she is into a Tuba kinda guy (remember that one who kept his mouthpiece in his belly button? Yep that's the one for TOLauren)

Friends don't just disappear, even if you don't see them all the time.

it's still his fault even if it isn't, and ya--they just shouldn't.

Boo?-save it for Halloween

KaraDawlish said...

I don't know why but it made me smile i'm working on "Dreamland" for the first time Right now and "This Lullaby" is sitting next to me awaiting being read. I really like the author. She's fantastic. I like the little tie ins the books all have with eachother if you pay attention. It's neat. She has her whole own world going on there and they are all connected but totaly not at the same time and it's just really cool. How it's the same world as ours but her own& she chooses like specific people in her world to like zoom in on their life and see whats happening and tell their story and they might bump into somebody from one of the other books. Maybe i'm wierd but i think it's neat what she's got going on there. It will probably be better once you're actually off to college you'll have so much more to distract you and less time to mope about friends. So when you talk to them it will hopefully be more cheerful. But i really wouldn't know :P i'm just going into ky first year of highschool in a couple weeks. And i don't have a boyfriend or a close childhood bestfriend

Natasha said...

Darren Criss was with PotterCast on part of there tour this summer. I got to see him with them. Just as cute in person. ;)

Siena said...

The same thing happened to me last night! I'm in the middle of books that are long and beautiful and meaningful, but all I really wanted to do was read This Lullaby. So I did! And I felt somewhat rebellious. Oh, my life is good.

I hope you feel better, Hayley. I know distance is difficult, especially when you feel so far away and left out. From my experience, having to say goodbye to your friends makes you appreciate them even more and can bring you closer together. It probably sucks now, though :( Hopefully Dexter can cheer you up.

Margaret said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My school starts, like, a month later than every other school in the country, so all of my friends are leaving me. In fact, right before I sat down to read your blog, I said goodbye to one of my best friends, Jennifer. We've been friends since first grade. We have the kind of friendship that is so strong that we never really needed to hang out constantly or call each other or really keep in touch at all. While I was off with other friends of mine, watching movies and having sleepovers, my friendship with Jennifer was always there, strong, in the background. We could go months without talking for lack of ever seeing each other and then pick up right where we left off the next day, easy as pie. So I'm really not that worried about our friendship going away. We've just been an ever present part of each other's lives for so long that, logically, that isn't going to change.

I don't really know what the objective was in explaining that to you, as it has little to do with your blog, but... yeah. Basically, I feel ya. Kind of.

Oh, and This Lullaby? Yeah, totally one of my faves. Get out of my head!

Margaret said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My school starts, like, a month later than every other school in the country, so all of my friends are leaving me. In fact, right before I sat down to read your blog, I said goodbye to one of my best friends, Jennifer. We've been friends since first grade. We have the kind of friendship that is so strong that we never really needed to hang out constantly or call each other or really keep in touch at all. While I was off with other friends of mine, watching movies and having sleepovers, my friendship with Jennifer was always there, strong, in the background. We could go months without talking for lack of ever seeing each other and then pick up right where we left off the next day, easy as pie. So I'm really not that worried about our friendship going away. We've just been an ever present part of each other's lives for so long that, logically, that isn't going to change.

I don't really know what the objective was in explaining that to you, as it has little to do with your blog, but... yeah. Basically, I feel ya. Kind of.

Oh, and This Lullaby? Yeah, totally one of my faves. Get out of my head!

Vero said...

It's always hard when you leave your wellknown surroundings, and it won't get much different in time, not even if you're looking forward to be somewhere else. It's because the things around you always grow on you as well, no matter how much you might have felt annoyed by them earlier or how interesting moving to some place else might seem to be. I left home when I was 14 to go to high school in another city, and then yet another city for college, and then another country to work... and every time I leave, I wish I could take something with me besides memories and promises to stay in touch...
But - luckily there is the internet, and a good long skype video chat has always made me feel like I was there with my friends again. ;)
Good luck Hayley, and believe me - after a few years in college you'll feel just as much at home there and will be just as sorry to leave when it's all over. I guess the nice part of it all is that you'll be home in more than one place.

megkatjo said...

I had AVPM songs stuck in my head ALL NIGHT which prevented me from sleeping. And then I had to get up at 5 in the morning to catch a plane for college orientation. BUT IT IS SO GOOD SO I DON'T CARE. The pianist/songwriter went to a CA State Thespian Festival that I went to a couple years back, and we even acted on the same stage together. This simple connection makes me so incredibly happy.

Kristina said...

I wish you lived close to me so we could pig out and watch dumb movies and paint our toenails when we're having sad days.
Or just watch a Very Potter Musical together or something.

I know what you mean about commenting on blogs on my last post - I rarely comment because I feel like a douche - I could say something on facebook, or text you (in 29 days) or something... but I also feel like a jerk NOT commenting sometimes.

courtkraw said...

I start university next week too, but I am the one being left behind by my boyfriend & some close friends. Its terribly, terribly depressing. Thank god for your blog, and the commenters. Its reminding me that I'm not as alone as I feel. The reality that life will never be the same is breath taking. I was so happy for highschool to be over but I wish this summer could have lasted forever :(.

but the name is Tarah. said...

Keep your chin up, buttercup.
Things are always a little bit, if not all the way, brighter the next day.

Hannah said...

Aww when you're sad, it makes me sad :(

I know it must really really suck to feel like you're losing everyone, but I'm sure you'll stay in touch with the people who really matter. It's that test of time which shows you who your real friends are. And just think, soon you'll be off having fun and making friends and generally being awesome at college.

And when all else fails, Darren Criss can never cease to make you feel better ;)

Chin up :)

Ida said...

I have a lot of my friends going off to school as well, while I'm taking a year off, and it's a lot more sad than I would have imagined. But I bet it'll feel better soon. For you too I hope.

Hope you feel better so that your next blog post can say at least "not as sad day" or possibly even "good day".

Harriet said...

Hayley, I know exactly how you feel. While I do go to the same college as my best friend I'm going to college in France for the year and the thought of us being apart for nine months is ruining our last moments together. Whenever we meet up we try and do the things we love to enjoy these last days but it always comes back to the fact that I'm leaving and that unlike the last five years we're not going to be seeing each other practically every day. And it sucks so I know how you're feeling :(

Catherine said...

That would suck. =(
Blog posts like this make me soo glad that here in Australia, where the majority of uni students don't live in a college and remain in the city which they went to high school in. I can see pretty much all my high school friends on a weekly basis even though they go to a different uni to me.
I would hate for uni to become my whole life, like is the 'tradition' for you.

Madeline said...

I left home last year and basically crossed the country and left allll my friends behind. It was terrifying and soooo depressing, lemme tell you-- there was more hugging and crying than I'd like to admit. But we made it through the year, and TRUST me, it goes SO FAST. First year of uni will speed by, and suddenly it's june and you're back on the swingset. Trust me.
Also: have SO much fun, it's only worth the heartache of leaving if you made it the best year of your life.

brnh said...

Alright Hayley, reality check. Your boyfriend and your best friend are going to the same school? You'll totally make road trips to see them and meet their friends and get to know them. AND all your school breaks will bring you together. AND you're an internet/youtube nerd and so you'll have plenty of ways to communicate with them. It'll suck for a while. It'll always be sad to say goodbye, but it's a new normal that you'll learn and maybe even love.

My best friend is 2 hours away, my boyfriend/fiance now husband was 8+ hours away from me for over half of our relationship, and my other best friend lives in a different time zone. And I have a new best friend who lives two blocks away. All are special and dear. New normal.

VicMorrowsGhost said...

You know the best part about being separated from your friends for a long time? Great make up sex!

... no wait that's not right.

SlytherinSweetie said...

I'm really sorry for your bad day. Since I'm nowhere near going to college yet, I can't say I know EXACTLY how you feel, but I can relate some. I just changed schools, and had to leave my awesome, Harry Potter loving, nerdfighting, slightly weird friends there. It's really hard for me to make friends because I'm generally shy, but loud and energetic around friends. So I can relate to the friend distance part.

I hope your week gets better. I send you cyber Chipotle burritos, and a hug. =]


P.S- I totally agree with the Darren Criss part. I have a huge crush on him too. ^^

Jennifer McCall said...

I know exactly how you feel. My best friend decided to go to a college hours away from me, but the thing that sucks more than anything is that she didn't even have enough nerve to tell me this. I found out over facebook.

So, now I'm at a community college in my home town completely alone while my best friend is off having a blast without me.

Kasey said...

CHEER UP! You can have friends half way around the world... loctation doesn't dictate lovability. I hope you feel better!

Anonymous said...

Virtual hugs, Hayley! Going to college is a huge transition when it comes to moving away from home, leaving friends, making new ones and growing up. Lauren and Jess will always be there no matter what, that's the kind of friendship that lasts forever believe I speak with experience. But look how well your relationships with the other 5AG's hold up and you's are miles from eachother. Long-distance friendship is just like a long-distance relationship it will take extra work. But you'll always have the amazing friendship you's have so anything you do from now on will build upon that. Being apart is not forever, cherish the moments you have and look forward to each having your own adventures and sharing them together!! :D xox

Larangutang said...

I'm sorry Hayley. I felt the same way on a smaller scale when my friends and I all split up and went to different high schools. They made new friends and I made new friends but I'm sure that you guys will always stay in touch. Good luck!

Nokorola said...

Try to cheer up Hayley, I'm sure you'll see Jess and Lauren enough that it will eventually be bearable to be apart for extended periods of time.

The happy train is coming into the station Hayley, give it a smile.

emperessemma said...

Don't be sad about going to college, it's an adventure to look forward to. You're awesome Hayley, so make it awesome!
I hope you feel happier soon. I know that reading your blogs make me happy!

Lauren said...

This made me cry a little :(

Catherine said...

Today my sister was crying because of an argument she had with my father. I told her to come in and turned on "A Very Potter Musical" because who can really be sad while watching it?