Thursday, August 27, 2009

Crying/Such a Huge Eagle

I read a few chapters of Sarah Dessen's This Lullaby last night, as I said I would, and it actually helped to make me feel a little bit better. I was worried it would be immature and irritating, but besides the fact that Dexter's character is unlikely to exist in the real world, it appears to be just as satisfying all these years later.

I didn't have a ton of time to think about this, though, because I was only two chapters in when Jess texted and we had a joint mini meltdown. Around 1AM, she was letting tears drip into the brownie batter she stood alone eating, while I cried into tissues in my room with all the lights on. The two of us have never been criers-- like, practically ever-- so it was a pretty big deal. Sebastian called to try and console me, but I was too snotty and embarrassed to appreciate it. Instead, I whined to him about things that are pathetically true ("I don't have memories from before Lauren and Jess!") and things that seemed true at the time ("I don't know how to make friends, and I'll spend all my time in a corner, alone!") until all the crying made my head feel heavy and I fell into resigned sleep.

I slept much later than normal, and finally got out of bed around ten, feeling sore and like I'd gained seventy pounds overnight. My sister made me breakfast, but I took one look at it, felt depressed, and put the plate on the floor for my dog. Then Kelly and I went to our grandparents' house for a bit, and I didn't eat until after my stomach was ready to murder me. I hate being all whiny and typical, but I feel flat-out sad. It sucks.

Oh, and I had a special idea for a fiveawesomegirls video, which I even filmed part of, but I couldn't muster the energy to edit and post it, so I just didn't. It's taking a lot out of me to blog right now, but I know there are a lot of readers going through, quite literally, the same thing, and I think it's therapeutic for all of us if I record these feelings while they're ripe. I hope it gets better soon.

Sexy: The fact that Kayley (owlssayhooot) is going to start blogging regularly. You can read/follow it here, and I suggest that you do.
Unsexy: The fact that my sister thought the new Beyonce song, "Ego," was about an eagle. As in, "He's got a big eagle. Such a huge eagle."

Chipotle burritos this year: 27
S'mores this summer: 6
Subscribers: 19,843

Bye, guys. Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow. <3


Gomezzio said...

Hayley, if I could give you a hug, I would, except 1. I'm nowhere near you and 2. It would be very awkward, since you don't really know me...

But if you DID know me, and I just magically appeared next to you, I would hug you.

Melody said...

Seconding what Gomezzio said. :)
Lots of love to you, Hayley. <3

A.J. James said...

Hayley reading the previous two blogs I was reminded of two quotes from Charlie Chaplin

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles."


"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."

There is a lot of truth in those words, I hope they help you...

Anonymous said...

Aww, Hayley. From your blog/videos it seems like you're already so awesome at keeping in touch with your friends from afar - you'll have no problem. :)

Plus, with Jess and Sebastian at the same school, you'll only have to make one trip to visit them! Two for one.

Good luck with everything! <3

toastburntbread said...

hayley, it sounds like it would be a difficult time for anyone! Saying all those good byes and movie away would make anyone depressed. I know this sounds really lame, but play the "thankful" game, where you think of little things that really make you happy.
This cheers you up, but maybe this is the type of situation where one does not want to be cheered up?
Maybe it's just something you have to go through and endure, as if it is an important passage in life.

Robyn said...

I'm really glad that you are blogging about it because its better than reading any book about leaving for collage. I guess because you're a real person and not a character; you, like, exist in the real world. And sometimes the hardest things to write about are the best things to write about because they make us feel a little lighter. Maybe this is just me, but when I write about something in my life that makes me feel like crap, I feel like having a tangible copy, in ink (or in a public blog) makes the emotion disperse a little easier. Just knowing that its not completely bottled up inside of me, but exists somewhere else.
I hope that all makes sense; it does in my head.

Allison said...

Your unsexy made me giggle.
I'd make you a ginormous cake w/ a happy face on it, but, um, I'm in a diff time zone. ): And I'd give a hug, too.

Chin up! We'll help you get through this. :D

agioacchini said...

=[ I cried myself to sleep last night after stressing out and feeling sad about college stuff, and had to wake up after 4 hours to go into work. Pretty miserable day. But I'm confident that things will get better once you get to school and move in.
Oh, and just to remind you, this is something you wrote back in April, "I feel like I could really fit in here! I'm already meeting people that could be my friends and flirting with funny nerd boys. There's a screenwriting major! The food is amazing! I feel so fresh and pretty and fun and adventurous. Remind me to reread this blog entry when I start getting nervous again."
So go read your blog called "Thundercats, HO!" from April 25.

Marlena said...

Virtual hugs will never suffice. I love you so much, and I know for sure that you will shine at OSU. Everything's going to be okay.
And hey, at least you're not Spinnerbait. *Hate* Spinnerbait.

Allyson said...

Hayley, I have never commented before but I just wanted to let you know how appreciative I am of this post. Tonight is my first night in my dorm room, four hours away from home, and I'm relatively close to freaking out. Thankfully I actually feel less homesick than I anticipated, but it's still really hard. I miss my friends and my mom and my little sister and my dog...the list goes on and on. Obviously you know that you're not alone already, but you're so right in that it helps to know that there are others. Thanks for your honesty and for making me feel a bit better.

The Vagabond said...

Virtual hug! I'm sorry. I wish I could say things that could help you. I guess I can say that I went through the exact same thing this time last year. Except I think I was the only one of my friends that actually felt like this. You seem pretty close to your friends Lauren and Jess and that's really cool. I'm kind of jealous of that to be honest because I don't even think I have one friend like that. I think you'll have a better time with it than I did because they're probably the kind of people who are going to call regularly and check up on you which is really nice. Just keep in touch with them. Even though it's not as good as seeing them or spending a day in the park with them or singing your favourite summer anthem it's a lot better nothing. You'll get through it. You just have next summer to look forward to and you'll all have awesome/funny college stories to relay to each other.

Personally I can't wait for some of your college blogs. I know they'll be interesting/hilarious.

Chin-up. You still have your loyal bloglings to send you love! :-)

Anonymous said...

Aww, Hayley. You made me feel so much better yesterday, I wish there was something I could do..but... *hugs* and I hope it gets better.

For what it's first day of college has been amazing. I love my roommate (we just spent ten minutes in hysterical giggles getting lost in the basement while looking for the laundry), and I just want to say, I hope that as soon as all the horrible saying goodbye is over, your (not to be corny or anything, oh no!) new life is amazing. <3

D said...

College is really hard, emotionally. But when you have friends like you do, you'll come home and feel like you never left.

Sarah said...

I understand the homesick thing. I just started my junior year in college and my freshman year was really, really hard. I had a boyfriend back home, which was only an hour and a half away. My family life sort of fell apart right before I left, and it was hard to motivate myself to care about classes and homework. But it's normal to be homesick, but you have to work to make connections there at school, otherwise it will always be that awful place that doesn't have Lauren and Jess and Sebastian, when it could be this amazing place where you have other friends. Your home friends will still be there on breaks and you guys can always write letters and send care packages to each other. No, it's not the same, but it's not necessarily a bad thing either. I'm actually a mentor for incoming freshman at my school this year because I can relate. I know how hard it is so feel so out of place and missing everyone while the world seems to be telling you that this is the time of your life. It does get better, it does get easier, and if you truely hate it, after a whole semester, you can always transfer. You have options and it's not the end of the world, despite what your hysterics are trying to tell you.

Margaret said...

...How do you do it? How do you so adequately put into words exactly how I'm feeling?

Eddy said...

Oh Hayley, of course you will make a lot of friends. Just be your awesome self and people will be lining up to meet you.

I was so scared when I went to college I actually bought a pack of cigerettes so I could fit in with some of the smokers. I only smoked half a pack! It was dumb, but I thought I needed to do something to fit in with some of the others.

You'll be fine. I know this comment won't make it any better, but everyone is feeling the same as you at the moment.

jessmcfadden said...

Actually, a lot of this made me want to laugh (although I won't becuase I'm in a residential cubicle).

Exhibit A: "Around 1AM, she was letting tears drip into the brownie batter she stood alone eating...."

Exhibit B: "Sebastian called to try and console me, but I was too snotty...."

Exhibit C: "...things that are pathetically true ('I don't have memories from before Lauren and Jess!')"

Our snot and tears are a little funnier than other people's, don't you think? I can use Skype now so we should... uh... do whatever cool thing people do with skype.

Phyllis said...

I arrived at college yesterday, and haven't made a single friend, and its been miserable. I, unfortunately, can relate to that feeling of being all out sad. I know what I'm saying isn't encouraging news. I'm sure you will make friends right away. At my school the freshman got here 3 weeks earlier, so they have all connected and buddied up, and I just came as a transfer student. Good news is it will all get better with time.

Cheer up, love. (oops wrong blog) but same message!

Pippa said...

I'm so glad you are blogging through this time because I am literally going through the exact same things except a little faster because I just moved into college today. But I love reading your thoughts and feelings about the things I am experiencing because you just say them so much more eloquently than I do.

Catherine said...

*hugs* I kind of envy you. I've never had the life-long friendship you have with Lauren and Jess. And even though you're miserable because you have to leave them, isn't it better that you have them, however far away they may be? Now I'm just depressing myself. Anyway, chin up! Things can't get much worse, can they?

kira902k said...

Sometimes crying really can help. *hug*


Anonymous said...

The truth about my situation (I'm a freshman, too):

I've been at mine for two weeks now, and not a single friend made. Sure, I've talked to people, but it's all been chit chat. I can only hope once I'm part of organizations, I'll branch out and befriends lots of people. If it wasn't for my high school friends going here, I'd be super depressed.

Casey said...

Hey Hayley, you're absolutely right about you not being the only one going through this, and though I'm not at the moment, I know how you feel. You'll make it through though, you're a strong person, and though it might not feel like it now, it'll get better. I believe in you.

Also, I find myself hoping greatly that you'll gain those extra 157 subscribers soon, and so you can have a happy party about that.

Don't Forget YOU ARE Awesome.

nicole. said...

oh man, i know those days.
when breathing kinda seems like a chore.
chin up, i am giving you virtual hugs.

traderbob11 said...

Sometimes those corners get so crowded it's impossible to be alone.

You can gain 70 pounds from a text message about brownie batter? Wow, this college stress is really bloating you up.

Hope that blogging really did take a lot out of you-'cause with that 70 pounds you gotta be pushing 200 now. I kinda liked the skinny Hayley, yep I'm superficial.

cameronfrye said...

Your sister's confusion was anything but unsexy. I laughed when I read it, even more watching the video with "eagle" in mind. She should do a parody video.
And I don't make many comments so I just wanted to thank you for this blog. I've been following it from early on and I'm sure all your readers will agree that it's a truly special thing.

Emily said...

Aw, Hayley! I want to send you cyber hugs. I didn't go away to college (at least not yet...we'll see), but my family moved around a lot in my life and everything I remember about moving out of state was that leaving my friends was the hardest thing to go through. Once, a close friend of mine was the one leaving, and I didn't even know what to do with myself. Don't believe that you won't make friends. You are smart and funny and beautiful and no one in their right minds would NOT want to be friends with you. I hope the crying helped. Sometimes a really long, hard cry -- however sucky it is at the time -- is really what you need to feel better. Like it's cathartic.

OH, and also, when you commented on my book survey thing, you told me to tell you what I thought of Devilish. It was actually my first Maureen Johnson book, though I've been following her on Twitter for some time, and I thought it was really cute and clever. It made me excited to read it, which is always a plus. I really enjoyed it, and I hope you do too once you get around to it!

<3 Your blog readers love you.

natnel56 said...

Just look at as your time with Jess and Lauren was a chapter of your life. Just because the chapter is over and your beginning a new one doesn't mean you can never go back and reread.

Enjoy your new chapter, Hayley xD

Holly said...

That pretty much ruins every boyfriend fantasy I've ever had. *cries under desk*

*but not really*

Elizabeth... said...

It's still 4 weeks till I go through this but I can guess how gut wrenching it is. I'll send you an e-hug.

Arden said...

Hayley, I'm going through the same thing now. Halfway through September, I'm moving to a college 400 miles away from the home I've lived at my entire life, and I'm absolutely terrified that I won't make any friends there. At this point, I'm not too freaked out yet because I still have almost a month left, but it still feel weird about living in a different place away from the friends I've known since elementary school.

I'll join in the virtual hug orgy; it seems like a lot of us need it <3

Natasha said...

"He's got a huge eagle." That made me laugh out loud. Even when you're sad you're still funny. But we all do love happy Hayley. :)

Katie said...

When I started my freshman year at college, the majority of my friends stayed in-state while I went to the Philly area for school. I knew nooobody where I went...had to start fresh and make new friends. And I'm pretty horrible at meeting new people (so awkward!) but found some people who accepted me and had similar interests as me. We're still good friends two years later. :D

You're too awesome to go unnoticed by other awesome people when you get to school! No worries. :)

Ummm it's like 3am and I'm sweepy so sorry if this comment is scatterbrained.

KTHX byeeeee!

Katie said...

P.S. Is it just me, or does popular music today super suck? :\

ginger jones said...

HAHAHA YOUR SISTER IS AWESOME! I know how you feel. Our house has basically just sold and it was the last house mum and dad collaborated on before dad left her so I'm feeling really sick and numb about it. It just feels like a long drawn out, predictable project is now gone. I really hope you feel better soon! Things usually get better once you live them and you're funny and cool so I have no doubt whatsoever that you'll make plenty more awesome new friends.

Karissa said...

Thank you for posting this, it IS therapeutic in a way. I actually just wrote about similar stuff tonight, too, so feel free to read if you want because you totally aren't alone in any of these feelings. <3

VicMorrowsGhost said...

I lol'd and thought of you. :)

Hannah said...

Oh Hayley, you'll be fine! Just remember to keep being awesome and witty and clever, and people will love you. But that doesn't mean that you'll lose your friends from high school.

And remember, all your blog readers/commenters love you. I wish I could give you a hug to make it all better, but obviously you don't know me and we live on different sides of the world. I'm not a creepy stalker, I swear


Treasonably Reasonable said...

The friendships you make when you are "growing up" never really go away, and they will likely be more special to you, and to your friends, than almost all the friendships you make from now onwards. So if you're been gnawed away by some undefined, visceral fear of "losing" friends or friendships, don't be! For some things simply cannot be lost.

Caitlin said...

Just because your friends aren't next to you, doesn't mean they've gone away.

Cheer up, Hayley, or I'll give you virtual hugs until you do. So will my puppets.<3

Sara said...

Gosh. You've just written exactly how I'm feeling. Scary.

I find myself in a very similar situation (going off to university this September) and I whenever I feel particularly nostalgic about the whole thing I tend to repeat "This too shall pass" to myself.

I honestly don't know if it helps or not.

I do know though that sometimes it feels like all of my friends are incredibly excited about going off on this new adventure and I'm the only one that's terrified. It's nice to know other people are feeling like I am.

I know I'm a perfect stranger, but I'm so excited to hear about your college experiences via blog!

Melissa Kendra said...

I hate the end of summer. I know how you feel about being separated from your friends. I was supposed to graduate this year, but because of reasons, I lost too many credits, so a lot of my friends have graduated, and are leaving. That group includes my boyfriend, who is moving four hours away.

But, no matter how far away you are from your friends, they're still your best friends, and still will be after this school year. You guys have been best friends way too long.

Joy said...

I think you know this already, but you will love college.

It does suck to leave all your existing friends though - I vividly remember saying goodbye to my best friend before she left for college, walking down the path back to my car, trying to hold back the tears but failing miserably.

Just remember - the friends you will meet at college won't replace the friends you have now. They'll just join your life in a different place in your heart.

(And you WILL make friends - Hayley, you're too cool not to!)

Joy said...

Oh, and sorry for a second comment, but realised another thing I wanted to say - to those of you who are finding the first few weeks really tough and who haven't seemed to make any friends...

YOU WILL. Just give it time.

The first few weeks are always going to be strange, everyone is trying to find their feet and figure out who they are now that they've left home. I think people (me included, when I started uni) expect to make friendships right away that equal the depth of their friendships at home. But that's not going to happen - those sort of friendships take time to develop.

The chit-chat and smalltalk is frustrating, I know, and some of the people you meet in the first few weeks you'll rarely speak to ever again. BUT some of those people you will develop great friendships with, and they'll grow and become deeper as time goes on.

Everyone else is scared too - no one wants to be left without friends. Remember you're not the only one - even if others are looking confident, they're probably really afraid inside, they just hide it better than some.

I know this is long, but seriously, I just remember what it was like when I started and I know you guys will all get through it and enjoy yourselves just as I did... :o)

Chin up! You are all awesome people.

shakethedust said...

*hugs* That's all I can offer right now. Well, that and the empty words (for now) that college is amazing, the homesick blues will fade and I guarantee you will make plenty of friends. :)

Oh, and watch out for huge eagles. You will inevitably run into tons while in college.

Less than three you.

Sarah said...

It's totally okay to feel like this, seriously. Like everyone else says, you'll still stay in contact with all of your friends REALLY well, especially since you already do it with a lot of other people online. In a little while you'll look back and wonder why you even worried :) And when you get there you'll be surrounded by a bunch of people who are worrying in the same way! You're way too awesome not to make friends, anyways. :)


Gomezzio said...

OH, this is unrelated, but I thought of an unsexy:

The "everywhere we go/people wanna know/who we are/so we tell them" song.

HarryPotterNERDFIGHTER said...

I wish I could give you a hug.

Hayley, you are going to be fine. Just because you're going to collage doesnt mean Lauren and Jess can't still be your best friends. You've got the power of the internet on your sie, skype, AIM, youtube. You can keep in cintact as much as you like and spemd plenty of time together over the holidays. It doesnt have to end now Hayley.


A said...

Hayley, I'm giving you a hug right now. There. Hope you got it.

I literally just walked back in the door from taking my older brother to college. We dropped him off yesterday and drove the 8 hours home today. It was one of the worst things in my life. Walking by his empty bedroom is so hard, and the face that I have my own bathroom for the first time ever (!) only helps a little.

My brother is my best friend, and it hurts that he's no longer a part of my daily life.

Blah. I wish I could end that paragraph with "but I know nothing will change" but that doesn't help you or me at all, especially since it's not true. But I'll still see and hear from him. At least you are in the same state as your friends!

Anyway, another hug.

Catherine said...

Feel better Hayley!

Tass said...

I left for college two weeks before I had to check in (which I did yesterday) and the night before I stayed up ALL night with my friends watching movies, drinking coffee to stay awake, talking, just hanging out. It was a blast until I got home and saw all my stuff in suitcases and bags and boxes sitting at the front door and I realized I won't see any of my friends until Thanksgiving. I layed down on my bed and cried harder than I have in a very long time and when I had no more tears to cry I just stared at the wall for a long time. It was one of the hardest and saddest days I have ever had to make it through. I wondered if I'd made the right decision, if I could get out of it and transfer somewhere closer, if I could ever make friends once I got to school; you name it I wondered and worried.
Then I checked in yesterday and my parents left and I felt alone and terrified. Crap, I'm not helping here...hold on, it gets better. Things were seeming hopeless; I didn't know where I was going, what I was doing, what was going on. And then I started talking to some other kids (ice-breaking games...*gag*) and I realized that EVERYBODY felt the same. We're all in the same boat. Nobody knows what they're doing and we all wander around wide eyed and lost. And my roommate and I stayed up until 2 last night (this morning?) talking with a couple guys across the hall, making fun of the guy next to us who is a stoner and will sell us cigarettes (coed dorm room...coed bathrooms...yikes!), and finding out all the things we have in common and then it started to storm and I finally felt like maybe I DO belong here. Ok, a little phone call to my friends back home didn't hurt the situation either.
I think what I'm trying to say is that it hurts BUT it gets better and everybody understands and is going through the same thing. Hang in there! If you've made it through this novel of a comment you can make it through anything.

Hilary said...

Aww, Hayley, you really need a hug. Lots of love from me sweetie.

And I completely get where you are coming from. Here I am, the first full week of college behind me, and I'm sitting in my dorm reading your blog with my roommate watching the Wizards of Wavery Place marathon. Granted, she's slightly sick and it's pouring outside. But still. The friends thing is difficult, since I'm hard at finding friends and talking to people in general, but you'll get some. It won't be easy, but you'll have some. Just wait. I promise.

And the crying thing, I'm sorry. But, remember, you'll see your friends at Thanksgiving or earlier. That's when I get to see mine again. So, it's not forever, just not all the time.


Tom said...

Yeah, I'm going to community college and the last of the people who were still here dipped yesterday. So. 'Tis weird. Hasn't sunk in yet or something.

The fact that somebody has an eagle in the possesion in the first place is pretty astonishing, so it would be incredibly odd to hear someone bragging about how big said eagle was. Espessically in third person. Bragging about the size of somebody else's eagle.

janitorbud said...

it really does get better
like, i've been here for 2 days and i'm already happy and such. like i've made friends and i don't feel alone, which is great. the only sucky part is most of my friends live a long walking distance from my resident hall, but that's fine

SlytherinSweetie said...

My words probably don't help, but I still hope something miraculous happens and you get happy again, cos sad Hayley is, well, sad. =[ I'd give you a hug, but uh, you don't know me, and I'm on a completely different part of the Earth.

And I love Dexter. And it's really too bad there aren't guys like that in the world. But hey, a girl can still dream.


Madhuuu said...

I cant even imagine what you're going throug, but I think i could write story bout it.

that made no sense but i have hwk to do since i'm still in high school

kristenincolour said...

"It is so hard to leave--until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world." -John Green

this blog describes my feelings from a few weeks ago so perfectly. i was re-reading Paper Towns today when I came across p 228 and those words brought tears to my eyes but somehow made everything easier and lighter (and better).

i hope the words on that page maybe help you out too :/.

Nokorola said...

It'll all be fine Hayley, really it will be. Eventually.

Anonymous said...


I used to think Rhianna's 'umbrella' was 'under my arm forever'

addy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Adrienne said...

"everything will be fine."
i just sat in my room for about five hours and read through this lullaby again because of you. i can now blame you for my lack of a social life(:

Kayla Lee said...

I've been reading your blog since you first started, but I've never commented before. I'm from Australia and am just about to finish up my last year of high school. What you're going through now is probably exactly what I'm going to have to face in a few months time.
Honestly, I'm terrified. My friends are my life. I'm moving to China so I won't see them for ever.
I just hope I can get through it, I know you will.
Good luck. XX

Anonymous said...

Aww Hayley. Absolutely the hardest thing about high school ending, whether you go somewhere far away or not, is the fact that it will never be as easy to stay friends with people once you enter adult life.
HOWEVER, the good news is that you can stay just as close to certain people as long as you make an effort.
Moving away is hard and your feelings are totally justified, so go ahead and be sad for now, but I just wanted to remind you that you really won't lose these friends, and you are totally nuts if you think you won't make new ones.
And also, wow, can you believe what a big impact this blog is having on people's lives? Look how many people are in the same situation as you, and this blog helped them. That, my friend, makes you so so so awesome, and I hope it cheers you up even a tiny bit.

Another Melt-downer said...

You're quite right Hayley, I'm going through exactly the same things and it does help. Starting college and leaving everything that is familiar to you is stressing and overwelming.
It is good to see someone in that same position :)

Anonymous said...

I just read your last post and this post. So I figured I would use my comments to talk about both! DEAR HAYLEY, please do not be upset about going off to college. I know it's going to be hard but I know that if I can do it, you can do it! You're hilarious, smart, AMAZING. You will make SO many friends. Just cheer up, because too many of the 5ag's are sad right now. <3 you!