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Friday, July 31, 2009

Sex Toys

First of all, a very happy birthday to Jo Rowling and Harry Potter. One is the author of my soul, and the other is the love of my life. So thank you, Jo. You've changed my life in so many ways I can't even begin to list them.

I went on a shopping trip tonight with a friend, in search of his Frank N. Furter costume for a showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show we're seeing tomorrow. I already have just about everything I need for Magenta: the dress, the apron, the capacity for gigantic hair. My friend, after seven different stops around town, now owns a corset-like vest, teeny tiny shorts, thigh-high fishnets, and patent leather two-inch heels. I watched as he tested lipstick after lipstick on the back of his hand, styled his wig, and asked the woman at Payless which pair of shoes made his calves look better. It was a ton of fun... and he thinks he's straight. It's adorable.

My friend was a costar of mine in high school, and he's one total drama queen of a physical comedian. Our excursion included a lot of hip-swinging and eyebrow-waggling on his part, and a lot of laughing on mine. Only after he begged, I reluctantly pulled my very recognizable truck into the parking lot of a sex shop. "Will they ask to see my ID?" asked my seventeen-year-old friend. "Should I say I'm your twin brother? Should I wear my sunglasses inside? Do my sunglasses make me look older?" I sighed, let out an exasperated "NO!" and dragged him through the red door.

Sex shops, for those who have never visited one, are like a wonderland of discomfort. The walls are adorned with all kinds of things that light up and spin, you can barely walk but through a sea of lingerie, lace, pleather and fur, the doorway is stacked with complicated objects that you can imagine being illegal. And all the while, you feel the eyes of the cashier on your back and pray that the large man in the front was stopping in for directions, and is on his way out.

The trip was anticlimactic; we came out of the sex shop dry and unsatisfied. (I am so sorry for that one, Mom. That's why you don't read your teenage daughter's blog.) He was disappointed, but my friend will have to do without the strappy garters. It hurts my heart to see a kid get his hopes up like that only to be let down.

On a note unrelated to disappointment, I'm currently on my sister Cori's couch, having a slumber party. My brother-in-law went out and bought each of us a personal carton of ice cream, and we're watching Wedding Crashers in true fatass style. I have big plans for playing on my computer, Pacey (after Pacey Witter of Dawson's Creek, a monumental influence from my early teenage years), all night, and starting the glorious Jaclyn Moriarty's fourth novel, The Spell Book of Listen Taylor. Verdict: awesome day.

Sexy: Though I know I'll take crap for it, Owen Wilson. I like his nose, okay? And I think he adds some kind of real-life charm to crappy romantic comedies. He can turn a chick flick into a guy movie. I respect that.
Unsexy: The fact that my brother-in-law just made a detailed reference to One Tree Hill when prompted for something unsexy. I said, "Ty, what's something that's not sexy?" He said, "Guys who look like Lucas Scott!" Another thing that's unsexy? The fact that I know who Lucas Scott is.

Chipotle burritos this year: 25
S'mores this summer: 6
Subscribers: 18,790

Bye, guys! Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow. <3

53 comments:

Anonymous said...

What an interesting life you lead Hayley. No sarcasm intended! Your friend sounds adorable.

traderbob11 said...

Wait, is this the start of your love novel?

Yeah, that's all I got, Sonic kicked my butt.

notaclareintheworld said...

Owen Wilson can be really good -- have you seen the Royal Tenenbaums? He helped write that movie!

annaface said...

I agree 100% about Owen Wilson. I mean, how can anyone not think he's sexy after seeing him in "Starsky & Hutch"?

mikaella said...

If only I had such interesting friends! That sounds amazing. I've never seen Rocky Horror but my parents talk about how awesome it was in it's time. Doubtful that I could find a showing around here though.

Missy said...

Hayley, I don't think you need to go to a sex shop. Just erm, click on your ads. Haha. :P

"A wonderland of discomfort" Hahaha. xD

Marlena said...

I have been in deep guiltypleasurelove with Lucas Scott and One Tree Hill for six years, and they are the complete and total opposite of unsexy. Just sayin'.

Bigred719 said...

I am far too terrified to go into any of the sex stores in my town. There are three on the same road as well as a strip club. And I live in a smallish New England town.

But your adventures always sound like a blast and I wish I could have half as fun.

Allison said...

Pacey the computer... I like that.

My laptop's name is Melchior Mercutio. It should be Moritz Mercutio because it hasn't been working in a month. < /death jokes >

"A wonderland of discomfort." Classic.

thatnerdholly said...

I like that when I search Jaclyn Moriarty on Youtube, videos of you show up :)

Katherine said...

I was going to say something snarky about naming your computer Pacey, but then I realised that Pacey was the boy and not the girl and I was happy again. I named my computer Captain Jack, my flash drive Ianto, my camera Toshiko, and my iPod Owen, all from Torchwood, and my little laptop of fail is named Sally Sparrow, from Doctor Who ^___^ I am stubbornly refusing to name anything Gwen, but maybe when I get a pc laptop (because it's the only thing I have a prayer of affording in the next year, and my computer is dying) I will name it Gwen ^__^

There are none creepy sex toy shops too, like Babeland and Good Vibrations, but the only ones I have ever actually seen are the really sleazy ones, and those worry to much to even think about entering.

Katherine said...

Dude, how can you name your computer after a character after a Dawson's Creek character and then be snarky about One Tree Hill? They are both aimed at teens and a wee bit overly dramatic. Teenage soap operas.

Huh, apparently the only things I have seen Owen Wilson in were Meet The Fockers and Shanghai Noon. I loved both of those movies, so that's a good sign. I don't think he's sexy, but he is fun. ^__^

Brad said...

"we came out of the sex shop dry and unsatisfied" Totally on purpose, but I love it. I <3 that you'll be doing the live action. I'm curious how/if things have changed over the years. Do you still chant "group-sex" during the time-warp? Is "Brad, you F@G, F you too!" still part of the audience script? Fun times. :)

This comment probably seems disturbing to people that haven't been to Rocky Horror live. Sorry. I'm just glad you're Magenta and not Colombia. You don't have the whiny voice for it.

isnoggedharry said...

No one would even need a sex shop if they had their own personal Hayley around.

...what.

Let's go to Condom Kingdom in Philly. Sperm can be seen swimming into the store in the sidewalk pavement just outside the door.

Also, Owen Wilson = *thumbs up* Come on. That charm and puckered lips and real life that was exposed to the world? Gimme some of that.

janitorbud said...

lol me and my friend are planning on going into the city so we can see a play of rocky horror =D
we saw it on halloween and thought it was amazing. so we plan on going again! it's going to be fun

Leah said...

The fact that you can name your new laptop after a character from Dawson's Creek and then turn around and slam One Tree Hill is probably my new favorite thing about you.

Margaret said...

Owen Wilson is a BABE. I had no idea anyone thought otherwise until I read that, Hayley. Here I was, going through life, thinking I was just another girl who's attracted to a broken nose and BAM. You've changed my life forever.

Britty said...

Ha Ha, due to your title, I'm getting condom adds in the sidebar. I also watched Wedding Crashers this evening whilst I painted my nails in true girly fashion.

Neat!

A.J. James said...

While I agree that Owen Wilson has helped save more than one romantic comedy, After Zoolander that man can never be sexy in my eyes...

BenCracknell said...

I like Owen Wilson, too!
Thank God I've finally found someone else.
x

Nokorola said...

Ice Cream!

Caroline said...

Lucas and One Tree Hill. Oh boy. It's sad that I'm still obsessed but I love Nathan and Brooke. But what's most unsexy is that they have referenced Twilight and HP. Brooke is sketching in a dim room and Haley asks "Is it a new Twilight line?". And when Lucas' wannabe director for a would be movie flies away in a helicopter, Lucas quotes: "You may not like him Minister, but you've got to admit that he has style. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix". I about blasted my ears off on the spot.

Elizabeth... said...

Pacey! Woo, great computer name :)
Rocky Horror costumes are, actually, fantastic. I remember my attempt at Magenta was limited to clothes I already owned and an apron I made myself but seriously, I spent hours crimping my hair. CRIMPING.
I continue to love reading your blog.

Sarah said...

Oooh, let us know what you think after you read the Spell Book of Listen Taylor!

Rebecca Mcgrane said...

Finally someone agrees with me about owen Wilson, thank you hayley. Btw in your latest video when you played the girls, I lol'd :)

Anonymous said...

I just had to point out that your ads now circle around sex. XD

GO TROJANS!

Casey Rose said...

I was telling my mother how great your blog is and was in the process of showing it to her (not having seen your most recent post)and...

Too. Many. Condom ads.

traderbob11 said...

So very sick=still close to trying to stand up, at present this blog is being typed by my nose as my face keeps hitting the key board. I'll wake up 5 minutes later, look around, and then face will slam down on another key. And here you have it another blog post done with my nose (watcha thinking 'bout now Hayley? A typing honker-That has gotta get you going!)
I CRACK MYSELF UP!!

Brynne Annaë said...

My computer is named Ed.
After the frontman of the Barenaked Ladies.
...I know, it's dumb. ;)

Jenn Eats Nutritiously Now said...

Don't worry, I think Owen Wilson is sexy, too.

Allyson said...

let the condom ads commence....

Katie said...

I named my computer Kimber as a reference to the awesometastic 80s cartoon Jem and the Holograms.

helernn said...

My mum showed me Rocky Horror a few months and is now to blame for me dancing and strutting around various parts of the UK and Phoenix Airport with guards looking at me like I was a complete loon but that is what watching Tim Curry singing "I'm a sweet transvestite" does to me.That entrance is just awesome.

I think your profile picture is sufficiently Magenta-ish don't you think? Anyway I hope you and your friend have fun at the showing.

I like the computer's name. I am really considering buying a Mac but as much as I like Gloria the PC a Mac would be pretty darn cool.

:)

Gomezzio said...

Oh, Hayley, you know what the ads are going to be now? You set yourself up for this.

Abby said...

In one of your past blogs I raised up the leftovers of a glass of milk from the day before and shouted "Huffah." You certainly make my life more interesting.

Natalie said...

The only thing I know about Rocky Horror Picture Show is that my 8th grade band teacher was obsessed with it and that on an episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen a girl had a Rock Horror themed party. Drag queens handed out her invitations.

Tonioniniiii said...

before i saw rhps i knew it was hugely popular cult movie but i had no idea what it was about. so you can imagine my shock when whilst on one of many insomnia runs (its 04:13am in britain now whilst im writing this) i saw it on tv. i was like "surely this cant be the movie everyone goes on about? all our parents saw this and they publicising this fact? it's easily classed as soft porn!" what was more shocking is that my desperately innocent friend (and she really is, bless her) loves this movie and doesn't bat an eyelid.
i am now a dedicated rhps fan and made homage to it with a full 'time warp' dance at summer school :) we even developed a finger time warp which can be adopted when you are in tight quarters such as buses etc maybe i'll upload a video of it sometime to display its greatness
with love
x
post script: sorry for the waffle

seasofgreen said...

Rocky Horror might be the best time ever. I've been involved in productions for 6 years. I just hope, for your sake, that they don't sacrifice the virgins.

Anonymous said...

i named my computer Charlie because charlieissocoollike and i have the same computer!

KT said...

I know I've only commented on your blog once or twice, but i always read it. I feel like such a creep and I love it. The fact that you named your macbook (which i just got the same one you did. Crazy!) Pacey after Pacey Witter, confirmed my theory that we would be definitely best friends. And then you had to go and say that you love Owen Wilson. Why don't I know you?!

toastburntbread said...

hayley, seriously you have JUST MADE MY DAY.
I am going out and BUYING that book tommorow. I did not know that jacyln moriarty had a fourth book out. And i call myself and complete fanatic of her writing.
I was hyper-ventilating after I read your blog and commenced to screaming around the house.

Kate Andrew said...

hahaha. the ad for this blog: trojan condoms.
nice, hayley. NICE.

but sex shops are awkward. i pass 3 on my way to college.
but that's how i gauge how far i am from the Oklahoma border. the last texas side exit: an sex shop.
what's the first oklahoma side exit, you ask? a casino.
:)

Mags said...

Hayley, I think that if any other person went from talking about the Jonas Brothers to sex shops in their blog, I would stop reading it.

Then again, I might just read it more often. [Haha?] Either way, your posts make my day.

Also, I'd like to out-pedo you by saying that Nick Jonas's hair smells as good as it looks. Trust me.

nicoleeeyyynyquil09 said...

That sounds like a funfilled day lol.

Emma said...

God Haley, your blogs make me so happy. And of course envious of your life completely!
And props to you for naming your computer 'Pacey'. Although Lucas would have been nice too! You gotta admit, he's frigging gorgeous!
And I have to admit that I find OTH way better than dawson's creek. That's mainly because I can't stand Dawson.

Nally said...

I love Wedding Crashers, its such good trash :)
I envy your icecream fuelled movie night!

Maria said...

I know you hate the idea of "real" people reading your blog, but I had to let you know that yes, I pictured you and our 17-year-old-straight-drama-queen friend together in a sex shop. I'm still trying to figure out if that fits under "sexy" or "unsexy."

Freya said...

HEY! One Tree Hill is good Hayley. And I so wouldnt say no to Lucas Scott.

:)

ellen said...

Since you inspired me to read my Jaclyn Moriarty books again a while ago, I decided to buy The Spell Book of Listen Taylor the other day. I finished it last night, its pretty good. I don't like it as much as the others though..

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