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Sunday, July 12, 2009

Crazy Stage Mother (And shooting the artillery!)

"I read your blog comments," says Sebastian, with whom I'm currently speaking on the phone. "Not because I feel some kind of duty to read your comments, but because your bloglings are adorable." While I'm iffy on the term "bloglings," I really can't argue with his logic. The kid has a point, and you guys are the shizz.

Tonight was the first installment of the annual six-part series of torture we call Vacation Bible School. Besides both being church-run summer programs for hyperactive children, RFKC and VBS are two different worlds, because, for one, the camp kids aren't rich and bratty, and for two, people inexplicably encourage the VBS kids to scream. I don't know who originally equated acceptance of Christ to SHOUTING AND THRASHING AROUND, but pushing the sound barrier is the main VBS tradition. Despite all the unbearable auditory stimulations of the opening program, my job this year is, admittedly, about as pleasant as it could be: I reside in a quiet, secluded room on the third floor, where I sing and dance with preschoolers. Today we learned sign language for "Yes, Jesus loves me," formed a conga line while shaking tambourines, and did that borderline distasteful classic about being in God's army, where you pretend to shoot each other. Oh, and smiled in awe as they attempted to all recite their names. Some looked thoughtful when it came to their turn, like they weren't quite sure how to answer. Others screamed their names vigorously and way out of turn. "MY NAME IS MADELYN!" one whispered violently. Psst. Her name was Madelyn.

Leading a group of four-year-olds along with a CD reminded me of my old dream to become a professional child chorus singer. Not that I loved music or anything, or had more than a screechy octave-and-a-half. Not that I wanted to be, or could pull off, a soulful Star Search-era Britney Spears. No, I just longed to be one of the many nasally voices on those annoying Christian parodies of '70s pop music my mother played in my stereo as I fell asleep.

My mom indulged this fantasy for a few years. We flew to LA on a regular basis for auditions. Got a lot of prepubescent spray tans. I was teething, and she put Vaseline on my gums so I wouldn't frown and get a double-chin. After only minimal pageant success and a few regional and foreign commercials, we returned home, defeated. I turned to crack cocaine. Some prostitution. YouTube's really the only thing keeping me off the streets these days.*

...God, I don't know-- I must be a lot more tired than I thought. ANYWAY, everything before the last paragraph was true, and I promise my next blog post will be less delirious.

Sexy: Hugh Grant in Love Actually and Music and Lyrics. He's a jerk in Bridget Jones, and a little wimpy loser in all other movies, but he really gets his characters right in the aforementioned two.
Unsexy: *Crazed stage mothers, a la my little asterisk-marked fantasy.

Chipotle burritos this year: 23
S'mores this summer: 3
Subscribers: 18,086

Bye, guys! Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow. <3

56 comments:

Joe said...

Hayley, I have just read through your entire blog in one day and it is very entertaining, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's going to be quite the challenge to actually have enough patience to wait for you to post your next entry.

As for the Bible school camp, that sounds like hell on earth for me. Spending all day with hyper little kids and then on top of that the main discussion topic is the Bible. I think anyone committing suicide under those circumstances would be justified. Anyway, your a blog is a great read

Brad said...

Not sure if I'm in love with "bloglings", but as long as you don't call me "B-Rad", we're straight. I will forever hate that movie.

It's okay Hayley, we all turn to crack cocaine after our stage moms' dreams are defeated. I think there is even a support group.

Shannancy said...

That sounds oddly like my summer job last year.

For three weeks I volunteered at the local summer music school. I was placed in charge of the junior show choir, after specifically asking to work with kids at least eight years old. I do not have very much patience...
The three and four year olds I worked with loved to sing! Just not the songs I gave them. Luckily, we were not expected to perform until the very end of camp, and even then only one song.

Somehow I made it through without murdering any of them or their parents.

Gavin said...

Firstly, I’m sure you are the best thing to happen to those kids at RFKC and the time you gave them was invaluable, but I need to confess a slightly selfish thought… While you were there I was secretly (now not so secretly) wishing you were back and blogging. But what else do you really expect from me, I’m part of a group of ‘romance-thriving whores’? It’s your fault for being talented.

Secondly, I love the nonchalant way that you mentioned 'some prostitution', like it was just a passing phase and no big deal. Classic.

Brilliant to have you back.

Caroline C said...

Hayley!! I wanted to do the exact same thing when I was little.

I beleive it was Kidz Bop though...

Which, you know, is great on my part; aspiring to sing a nasally rendition of "Oops I Did It Again" rather than "Go Tell It On The Mountain."

Also, I know exactly how you feel about VBS. I vollunteer with the summer day camp my church hosts (VBS included). I work with the kindergarteners. Enough said. They are only "soo cute" for about a week.

Have fun, Hayley!

Maya said...

Hahaha. The last paragraph made my night. :)
Thank you, Hayley; I've missed your blogs.

Also: Hi, Sebastian (since you apparently read these comments)! I like the term "bloglings." :)

Emily said...

I helped out with my church's VBS last year. It was all Jerusalem-themed and actually insanely fun. I was the assistant music director person, which meant I got to dance around with the kids, doing all the hand motions, without ever having to actually prepare any teaching. My friend, the music director, showed me the hand motions in the morning before the kids got there, and then I did it with them that day. Also, we had several half hour or hour-long breaks in which we did all manner of mischievous things. The kids were mostly well behaved, too, which was lucky. Except the one who literally picked up his tribe's flag and swung it at the other children like a baseball bat...

Also, I'm doing a sort of private NaNoWriMo with my sisters and friends since I moved in November and couldn't do the real one (boo), and as I'm rather behind, some of what I'm doing is just trying to use up words. I recently got to a place where I didn't really know what to do next. My solution: I sent my main character and his best friend to Chipotle to get burritos. And then I thought of you. Thought you might enjoy that anecdote. :]

Lovely to have you back and blogging!

Tom said...

Christian Kidzbop albums from the '70s actually exist? I thought that was just an urban legend.

Olivia said...

Good luck with VBS.

LOL. I'm sorry your road to childhood stardom was so filled with potholes.

Hello, Sebastian! I'm sure you've heard this a zillion times before, but you make me think of The Little Mermaid....While we devoting full time to floating! Under the sea!.... Sorry.

89ravenclaw said...

Little audition Hayley is sort of weird to imagine. I worry that the last thing I'm doing tonight, before going to bed, is comment on blogs; I'm probably going have some weird dream about some six-year-old bond with pigtails singing Britney Spears songs. Yes, I imagine younger you with pigtails, and something tells me there is photographic proof.

Jesse said...

I am entirely frustrated. I follow your blog by keeping the browser open constantly and refreshing the page in the morning to see about new posts.

But apparently my computer decided it didn't want that to work anymore, and I was sad because I hadn't seen any of your blogs since June 8th. So I check again today and find out I have been missing out!

I just got done skimming them all and I will embark on a glorious adventure tomorrow to read and comment on every single one.

The interesting thing is that I now realize I haven't posted a blog myself since June 18th. I was doing it almost daily, and I just sort of stopped. I decided to start again tomorrow night.

Basically, what that means is, the reason I blog is because you blog. I just thought you might like to know that.

Have a wonderful day.

cassiumpotassium said...

For some reason bloglings makes me think of tadpoles reading your blogs. XP

We had VBS a week ago & while yes, it was irritating & tiring, we had fun. (I was a counsler. So I had five to eight kids a day.) With the exception of having to get on stage that sunday & do all the little hand motions & dances with the kids. I could have deffinitley passed on that. Then I realized we made a difference in those kids life. It was pretty sweeeet!

cassie.

Ravenclaw2313 said...

VBS is always hard, and the screaming thing is universal. Somehow they think that if the kids scream enough in the beginning than they will be worn out the rest of the time. Naturally this isn't true, they just get fired up and louder!

I think that "The Life of a Stage Child" would be a great video. There is a lot of hilarity about it in my head already!

Andrew said...

You're nuts-o. Hugh Grant is super awesome in About A Boy, too.

Rosianna said...

I can't help it, I love Hugh Grant in Notting Hill and About a Boy as well. But yes, he is absolutely the most wonderful Prime Minister ever in Love, Actually. Can he please just run my country?

Prostitution > summer job.

ThePeterIs said...

Hugh Grant is awesome in "Two Weeks Notice" as well. If nothing else, the way he dresses in that movie is an inspiration.

Nally said...

Hayley, you have opened up a world of Hugh lovers, and for this I thank you.
I love 'Nine Months' as well, even if it is really stupid - I think it's funny.
And 'Love Actually' is one of my favourite films ever. Hugh Grant, Colin Firth AND Alan Rickman?
Can you get better?

Ben said...

That last paragraph kind of reminded me of Little Miss Sunshine. Although I don't think Olive turned to crack cocaine, prostitution and YouTube. Maybe that could be in a sequel. :)

Katie said...

Yeah, I think actually like "bloglings." It makes me think we're cute, friendly little aliens...maybe this is coming from Space Jam and "earthlings."

So I watched the 10 year old Britney video and was so intrigued by the next vid that popped up about Pregnant Jamie Lynn Spears and had to watch it...and now I'm telling you, you HAVE to watch it too! Pregnant Jamie Lynn Speaks Out

Kirsty said...

I have a thing for Hugh Grant. I have a bigger thing for his character in Bridget Jones. And you're right, he is a jerk, but I find him sexyyyy.
Oh dear. I have a problem.
So who wins for you in the Hugh Grant vs Colin Firth debate, Hayley?

Rachel said...

I don't think I'm liking the term 'bloglings' so much. Maybe something more interesting, like, blogmenters? Like, blog-commenters? I don't know.

The camp sounds like my friend's summer job this year. Except it's at the nearby rec center, and they're not allowed to speak of the Bible, as some crazed parent might not want their child experiencing it. But other than that, it sounds basically the same. Except her preschoolers screamed the whole time. Go figure.

SarahKeeler said...

This post reminds me of my favorite blog. The entries that come to mind:

http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2008/06/311-those-wacky-vbs-themes.html

http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2009/05/538-getting-tricked-into-volunteering.html

http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2008/06/270-snacks-at-vbs.html

joy isobel said...

Sign language for "Yes, Jesus loves me": adorable. As for the rest of Vacation Bible school: notsoadorable. Also, you seriously freaked me out with the whole stage mother story. Until you got to the crack cocaine part, I seriously believed you. AHHHH, I have come to trust you far too much, Hayley.

P.S. I like bloglings, even though it is a tad bit cutesy.

Scott said...

Oh, Christian volunteerism. One thing I didn't miss about my church when I moved away for university.

Example:
Leader: We love God and we're here to say!
Group: (repeats, louder.)
Leader: He'll take your sins and throw them away!
Group: (repeats, even louder.)
Leader: His message is to always love!
Group: (repeats, even more loud.)
Leader: Be wise, be smart, and love our Lord!
Group: (repears, tympanic membrane shattering loud; screams; que cracking of young male voices.)

After recalling that, I think I need a drink.

Sara said...

I teach church school for 3 year olds and they are adorable with their sign language and little singing voices. That is, when they aren't rolling around on the floor lifting up their dresses. And Love Actually is an awesome movie!

Missy said...

I'm doing Vacation Bible School this week, too. I'm in charge of the food this year. WE MADE S'MORES TODAY!!! <3

Fun, but not so much when you have to wipe down 30 preschoolers when they're done. :P

Anonymous said...

ahahahaa VBS... we do that at my church to. gets pretty craycray... well except for the 5th and 4th graders. they are all moody and refuse to do anything because they think their to cool. hehe
oh, i just cant wait til the 1st week of august =]
<33

Brynne Annaƫ said...

I like Hugh Grant. They say he's a jerk in real life, but I've read interviews with him and he amuses me. I think they just don't like him because he won't play their game. ;)

That said, he pretty much knows how to play one kind of character. But I loved him with Emma Thompson in Sense and Sensibility....

Marlena said...

I am so glad I've never been to vacation bible school, but then again, it does seem like it makes for some good stories.
I haven't seen Music and Lyrics. I probably should.

Joanne said...

Since I know Sebastian is probably reading this, I want to say hello to him --
Hello! :)
And I watched Love Actually yesterday, and it is probably one of the cutest movies ever. Hugh Grant pretty much is a tard in every other movie though. Two Weeks Notice with Sandra Bullock?
Ughkljaf

Abby said...

So I just read "The Year of Secret Assignments" in one night and I really, really enjoyed it. Thanks for the recommendation! Now I'm just waiting to read "Feeling Sorry for Cecilia" and in the meantime read "Audrey, Wait!" which I recommend to you.

VTBurninator said...

Yay! Welcome back. It's amazing to me the power and effect people can have on one another. As always, thank you for sharing your amazing life :)

*brain fart*

Wow, that was a long pause irl! I was trying to remember why I felt it was so necessary that I comment on your blog and then I remembered....BLOG TV!! When are you going to grace us with some real-time HGH time? Today at 4PM EST would work perfectly for me....boss outta the office and all...lol but siriusly, think about it! =)

Anonymous said...

I don't live in america, so I've never heard that god's army song before but...CREEPY AS HELL. THIS is what's wrong with America, associating guns with religion and kids, all together in one weird song.

notaclareintheworld said...

Awww I kind of love him in Notting Hill.

Adam said...

you must be forgetting about a boy. that's his best role with love actually as a close second.

Kristen said...

Hayley, it is so good to see you back being your ol' blogging self! Ah, yes VBS. I know it well. Even though I live in a town of less then 10,000 it is a mainly christian based community so quite a few summers were spent hitting all the VBS events with my friends. Oh, and I'd completely forgotten about the "The Lord's Army" but I clicked on the link and memories came violently rushing back. I also like "Love Actually". I love to watch it with my other traditional holiday movies around Christmastime. Have an awesome week!

seurat2 said...

Yes,my first thought reading about your failed child acting career was that your mother had gone over to the dark side. You had me for a moment there. The rest of the story happily, seemed um, far less likely. LOL. Now, are you going to see the new Potter film? I forget if you've discussed this.

V said...

Actually, I like Hugh Grant better when he is dorkier (like in Four Weddings and a Funeral...what a treat for the eyes)!

hopolko said...

I always read your blog and alway see how much you love the people who comment you, but I've always been too shy to join the "bloglings".
Also, your Hugh Grant preferences are very, very close to my mother's.

CRUNKRacoon said...

HAYLEY! :D
I gave up looking for new posts after a week, but look! You're back and with loads of things to say. Your words soothe me.
You're like Baby Geniuses for angsty teenagers.

toastburntbread said...

Have you seen Four Weddings and a Funeral?
I think Hugh Grant plays that character PERFECTLY and it is a RIOT to watch.
My father and I watch it on a weekly schedule.
What do you think of it?

allison said...

Kudos to you for being able to keep your sanity at the bible school camp. I was a leader in training at a camp once, and one of the kids asked me why I had a 'big nose'. I just kinda stood there, defeated.

Pwned by a 6 yr old.
Then, the next summer, as I was rehashing my bad experience to a friend, this adorable 5 year old girl (who had a thing for pink hats) said 'I don't think your nose is big!' and proceeded to hug me.

While the others screamed and acted like savages, I helped one of her friends through the loss of her hamster.

Hahahahahahaha your stage mom paragraph.

This is random, but have you read John Green's addition to the 'Geektastic: Tales from the Nerd Herd' anthology? I saw the name of the school and immediately thought of you...

OliviaMarieXD said...

When I was in sunday school they made us sing that song about being in "the lord's army". I still know it and that was 5 years ago!!

Haely said...

Hugh Grant in Sense & Sensibility! If you have not seen that movie, DO IT. NOWWWWWWW.

Leah said...

You're my favorite.

Robynne said...

And that makes 4 days in a row Music & Lyrics has been brought to my attention. That movie is haunting me. Anyways...

I'm in the Lord's Army is my preschoolers' favorite song. They like to go "Yes, SIR!" :) For a while it was the only song they knew. We're in the process of teaching them new ones.
Anyways, I got really excited when I saw "And shooting the artillery!" in the subject line.

VBS can be a terrible experience, but it can be really great at times. Mine is next week. We'll see how that goes. ;)
The screaming thing is definitely true.

Katie said...

I don't know if you ever watched the Dorm Life webseries on Hulu/YouTube/Myspace, but the finale of semester two threw me for a loop at the end...they were at a dance and one of the guys busted out your piano thinger from the end of your vids! thisisdormlife Dormal Finale This episode isn't my favorite, but if you midly enjoy it, I suggest you go back to the beginning and watch the whole story line develop!

annaface said...

What happened to a double digit s'mores count, huh?

lindsey said...

How odd, today I was watching a preview on TLC for the show 'Toddlers & Tiaras' or something like that.

I used to help at my old church's VBS and it almost made me want to cast the kids into a hellacious fire pit. Ironic, isn't it?

Kaitlyn w/ a K said...

Oh, VBS. I went there every summer until I was too old. Then I was a youth helper for a few years until I burnt out. My favorite VBS song was always "Apple Red Happiness." Do you know that one?

A.J. James Brooks said...

wow I was on the late bus for this post... I hate working nights.... your asterisk adventure was adorable... I used to do VBS every year... I was a skit player and a fifth and sixth grade teacher... oh how those children can scream... LOL

Anonymous said...

i thought you said your s'mores count would be in double digits by the time you got back from the camp...? :(

Anonymous said...

Is it wrong that I am most attracted to Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones, when he's a jerk? ....ok, rhetorical question, I can answer that myself *sigh*

And vis-a-vis yesterday's blog, I LOVE JACLYN MORIARTY! My reaction to the Jaclyn-Moriarty-has-a-blog-SQUEE revelation was 'OMGCLICK!' And I *think*, that my favourite book of her's is the same as your's (ugh, minefield of horribly incorrect punctuation :S), except that in the UK it's published as Finding Cassie Crazy. Interesting(ish) fact for the day :)

I should also mention that you and your friend Jess are amazing people for all the things you do like RFKC and going to Haiti, and you make me want to be a better person. So, um, thanks :)

- Ali x

Freya said...

Hayley, Im so glad your back :).

Nokorola said...

Hello again Haley.

I'm not the only one who remembers "those annoying Christian parodies of '70s pop music my mother played in my stereo as I fell asleep"? I figured that everyone else did the healthy thing and suppressed those memories.

Claireity said...

I'm in the Lords army used to be my favourite song in Sunday School :(

I'm not sure why. Probably because we got to pretend we were riding horses and salute, though I'm not particularly patriotic.