Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Family, Jess, Pickled Penis

My uncle and aunt from out of state are here for the night. My aunt's a lovely person who brought me a graduation present when I haven't seen her in years, and my uncle is positively hilarious. We haven't spent much time together, but he's sort of like a mustached replica of my dad, so it all feels familiar, comfortable, and fun. Tad and I just performed a live-action version of an embarrassing story about my mom. My brother-in-law Tyler recounted the classy tale of when he shot a raccoon in his attic. (Yes, really. My goodness. And my sister Cori, his wife, was at one time a vegetarian.) Kelly told an outrageous--yet shockingly true-- story about Rasputin's penis (Don't worry; no pictures!), which is currently kept in a pickled jar in a museum. At that, my dad furrowed his brow, slunk down in his armchair, and made too much eye contact with us kids, which basically means, Seriously? New topic, please. So right now I'm the reclusive freak half-participating in the conversation, typing away and loving my family. 

In other hilarious news, I received this tweet from Jess, who's experimenting with veganism: "Today at work, someone bought a gluten- and dairy-free cookie but thought it was gross. I put it in my trash can, but then I ate it on my break." I read it aloud to my family, who responded with a mixture between laughing and gagging. To Jess, I texted, "YOU ARE MY FAVORITE PERSON." The following conversation came as a result:

Jess: "Not for long! Mom said I could die of a disease from doing that."
Me: "It's fine."
Jess: "Oh no! My throat is swelling shut!"
Me: "No it's not."
Jess: "Yes! It is! I'm turning purple!"
Me: "And texting about it?"
Jess: "Naturally!"
Me: "Go to the hospital, then."
Jess: "No, they'll probably give me gluten or something. But like I'm in spasms on the floor?"
Me: "Are you foaming violently at the mouth?"
Jess: "Yes! Funny you'd mention that!"
Me: "Just shove a bezoar down your throat."
Jess: "Dude, I'm all over that!"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my best friend. And why.

Sexy: The free iPod Touch I received today in the mail for ordering a MacBook! It's gorgeous, but I hardly use my little red nano, so I feel like a total technology glutton for even considering keeping it. Should I put it up on ebay? Scratch my engraved name off my old one and sell it? What do you guys think?
Unsexy: Rasputin's pickled penis. I was kind enough not to link you to any pictures earlier, but... well, I sent you guys to clothes-on foot fetish porn in the past. Tell you what. I'll put a picture here, and clicking to view is COMPLETELY OPTIONAL.

Chipotle burritos this year: 24
S'mores this summer: 3
Subscribers: 18,391

Bye, guys! Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow.

P.S. No, but seriously. Google it if you want to see. Grooooooooss. <3


Caroline said...

Hayley, give me your iPod. Mine has been broken for about 3 months. Don't scracth out the engravement. That way I can obsess over it more. Haha... partly kidding.

Jordiekins said...

Dearest Darlingest Hayley,
eat more smores.


P.S. Two words: CARE BEAR.

Rebecca said...

Hahaha, I love you Hayley G Hoover. You crack me up all the time.

Brad said...

Oh, you think a pickled penis is bad? I used to work on an ambulance and I've seen every type of crazy naked there is. I've had a ninety year old woman flash me. I had this guy wag his at me and beg me to cut it off (his catheter bothered him). Sometimes old people forget that "private time" should be private. All very scary, but oddly, I got used to it. Most people will cover up if you remind them.

Ugh. I'm going to have nightmares tonight from remembering all that.

Aleesha said...

Dear Hayley,
Really? A CareBear? I mean I cant believe I actually clickd it, but I assumed that I would be punished by just seeing the picture. But I got a good laugh out of it, so thank you.
I think you'll end up using the ipod touch alot. I have one and I love it. Its so much more that music.
Thanks for reading-Aleesha.

SarahKeeler said...

Um, if Jess wants a Vegan Guru, I'm totally available. Is she trying to be gluten free as well as vegan? 'Cause if so, I have many recipes! I've got lots of vegan internet street cred. And I'm excited to see you very soon.

Missy said...

If you do decide to sell your old iPod, you should do what Kristina did! :)

Bigred719 said...

I am now so well informed about rasputin's penis that it may take me a while to watch Anastasia again.

And I wish I had a mac for school,and got an ipod touch. I'm stuck with a stupid dell for the next five plus years.

Kristina said...

I LOVE my ipod Touch.

I sold my old iPod to get it, and I barely used the old one, but the Touch can do so many fun things! Games! Apps! Getting on the internet when you're around people without being rude and pulling out a laptop!

I vote keep. They're fun. :)

notaclareintheworld said...

I played 20q as you and it thought you were Suri Cruise.

Christy said...

I SOOOO wish I had a friend like Jess. She sounds completely and utterly awesome.

About the iPod Touch, I have one, and LOVE it. I say keep it.

Allison said...

Sometimes, where you learn facts is better off not known...
I'll take your ipod; since the discovery of the county library system actually having good CDs, I've downloaded more songs from March-July of '09 than February-February of '08.

Everyone I know has an ipod touch BUT me. Not gonna lie; makes me sad. :temper tantrum:

Jordiekins said... results:

"Q17. I am guessing that it is Monica Lewinsky?"

"Q20. I am guessing that it is Jenna Bush?"

"Q26. I am guessing that it is Taylor Swift?"

"Q28. I am guessing that it is Megan Hilty?"

"Q29. I am guessing that it is Hayley Williams?" oooh, close.

"Q30. I am guessing that it is Lucas Cruikshank?" wtf?

I will not stop until you're on there.

rAm said...

Why at the end did you put an heart after "Grooooooooss."

Mercy said...

Idea: Give me your iPod. I will accept it and use it and everyone will win. Win-win. No win-lose situations for me.

cassiumpotassium said...

You're textersation with your best friend reminded me of mine with one of my best friends the other day. It had the same tone & everything. I'm glad you're blessed with such a hilarious best friend. :D

& the reason I was writing a comment was to tell you thank you for posting the 20 Questions website. I don't know how many hours I have lost to it now. XD


Tom said...

I love how all the commenters clicked on the fake penis carebear link.
...Which means of course that everyone will go to google to find the real pic. As I did.
Meh. It's nothing too bad. I mean, it's bad, but it's nothing like, unexpected. I figured it would be a penis like object of a weird color in a jar. And it was. Yessir, it was.

A.J. James said...

You might possibly have the best circle of friends and loved ones... you are blessed miss Hoover...

Scott said...

I agree with Kristina!

Indigo said...

Ipod touches are amazing, you should keep it. Mine is named Luna (guess who after) ;)

jessmcfadden said...

Hey, I'm not "experimenting with veganism!" I'm cutting gluten and dairy out of my diet for six weeks in a quest for better mental and physical health. And for to appease my hypochondriatic qualms.

VicMorrowsGhost said...

I'll give you a nickle if you tickle my pickle... d penis. :P

I heard a stand up comic do a good bit about gluten.

"I ordered the gluten free meal. I don't know what gluten is but apparently it's delicious!"

Shelby Rebekah said...

clicking that led to scarier sights....god, i'm sick.

Christian the Heretic said...

"Just shove a bezoar down your throat."

That was a beautiful conversation.

Also, yes, of course I go(ogled) Rasputin's penis.
It's rather large.

Yes, I think that's all I've got to say.


TarahPaintsDaisies said...

Reading that Harry Potter reference made my life. Ily Hayley and friend.

Elizabeth... said...

Oh man! That conversation was amazing, I love incidentals like that.

Caitlin said...

I'm never going to be able to look at pickled onions the same again.


Free iPod? My iPod is full to bursting and I don't have money for a new one, and you get a free one? For Jeeves' sake!

Keep the touch, and give the old one to your mum or something (:

Nally said...

Jess seems like the personification of awesome :).
I really want an iPod touch, but I don't trust myself with one. At the moment I have this old nano that I nearly snapped in half on the day I got it by tripping in the street. Don't neglect the nanos! They're almost indestructible.

Becka said...

Never before have I been even slightly tempted to look at a picture of Rasputins penis, but you made clicking the link weirdly appealing.

Or maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment. In anycase, I feel partly relieved, and partly.. cheated? I'm worried.

But, yeah, this blog reminds me of all the reasons I love you. Never before has one post contained shooting racoons in attics, Rasputins penis, and bezoars.

acroatic said...

I wish I had friends like that... none of mine are very into HP. ):Also, did your MacBook come yet?
And yeah, I join the majority who clicked for the Care Bear.

Michelle P. said...

Just wanted to say thanks for the Sloppy First recomendation a while back. finally got it and have been plowing through.

Nicholas said...

Forget the pickled penis, use the touch (it's ah-mazing) and sell your engraved one on ebay, make a video about it, people will bid, give half to charity, make a fortune.

Kkthxbi, see you tomorrow.

Pippa said...

I am fascinated by all things Russian and so of course I googled the real thing.

And I thought I all ready knew more than I ever cared to know about Rasputin's sex life. If you ever read Nicholas & Alexandra (which is a great book about the Russian Revolution and the Romanov's last days), there is a lot about Rasputin in it. Apparently he was a pervert, which is not surprising. Now I have also seen his severed penis.

Thanks, Hayley! haha

Anonymous said...

omggg free ipod touch! thats awesome =]

Phoenix said...

Hayley, I love your blog, but for some reason your AdSense doesn't get it. Your advert on the side is for Apparently pickled penis (and/or Care Bears) are related to scientology.

Phoenix said...

Oh, and your results made my day, so I thought I should share

17. I guessed that it was Meg Cabot? Wrong.
20. I guessed that it was Stephenie Meyer ? Wrong.
22. I guessed that it was Hayley Williams? Wrong.
24. I guessed that it was John Green (Nerdfighter and author)? Wrong.
29. I guessed that it was Hilary Swank? Wrong.
Q30. I am guessing that it is Karl Pilkington? Wrong.

Joy said...

Keep the iPod Touch - they're very useful! Lots of fun applications and things. I have an iPhone, and I love mine...

And I say sell the old iPod nano... I'm sure there would be people willing to buy it even with your name engraved (maybe even more so because you're famous on the internets?)...

Shea said...

Quite frankly, that's a friendly looking penis (something I would never say IRL)!

Tabatha said...

Frig, at the beginning of your blogs you should put a warning or something: WARNING:Hilarious content lies ahead. Please put down all hair straighteners, drinks, food or anything else. Otherwise any burns or spills are not my fault.

I believe this mostly because I was straightening my hair while reading your blog. Not the best combo.

But it was totally worth it. :)

Lucy said...

I have a red nano too and funnily enough was obseesing over who to leave it too in my will just hours ago. I personally would keep the touch and sell the nano on ebay.


sincerepraise said...

Rasputin's pickled penis looks curiously like an orange care bear. Go figure...

sincerepraise said...

Shea said...
Quite frankly, that's a friendly looking penis (something I would never say IRL)!

I said...
"That's what Shea said"

CeliaAnn said...

I love reading your blogs :] Especially when you give out book recommendations. 'Cause, seriously, you rock at that. You talked about how wonderful the Jessica Darling series is, so I read it and loved it. Now you say that everyone should read The Year of Secret Assignments, and again, you're so right. Everyone should it. It's amazing and I love it. Thanks :)
I'm seriously craving a Chipotle burrito now, too. I don't think i've had one since spring break O_O I'm gonna go take care of that.

Katherine said...

You know? "Dude, that's not a penis, that's a Care Bear" is an awfully odd to yell at my empty apartment....