In other hilarious news, I received this tweet from Jess, who's experimenting with veganism: "Today at work, someone bought a gluten- and dairy-free cookie but thought it was gross. I put it in my trash can, but then I ate it on my break." I read it aloud to my family, who responded with a mixture between laughing and gagging. To Jess, I texted, "YOU ARE MY FAVORITE PERSON." The following conversation came as a result:
Jess: "Not for long! Mom said I could die of a disease from doing that."
Me: "It's fine."
Jess: "Oh no! My throat is swelling shut!"
Me: "No it's not."
Jess: "Yes! It is! I'm turning purple!"
Me: "And texting about it?"
Me: "Go to the hospital, then."
Jess: "No, they'll probably give me gluten or something. But like I'm in spasms on the floor?"
Me: "Are you foaming violently at the mouth?"
Jess: "Yes! Funny you'd mention that!"
Me: "Just shove a bezoar down your throat."
Jess: "Dude, I'm all over that!"
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my best friend. And why.
Sexy: The free iPod Touch I received today in the mail for ordering a MacBook! It's gorgeous, but I hardly use my little red nano, so I feel like a total technology glutton for even considering keeping it. Should I put it up on ebay? Scratch my engraved name off my old one and sell it? What do you guys think?
Unsexy: Rasputin's pickled penis. I was kind enough not to link you to any pictures earlier, but... well, I sent you guys to clothes-on foot fetish porn in the past. Tell you what. I'll put a picture here, and clicking to view is COMPLETELY OPTIONAL.
Chipotle burritos this year: 24
S'mores this summer: 3
Bye, guys! Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow.
P.S. No, but seriously. Google it if you want to see. Grooooooooss. <3