Things That Are Always Funny

I finished an important paper for class mere seconds ago, and I still owe you fine people a blog post. We have exactly thirty minutes on the clock until the day is over.* Let's pump this baby out.**

To keep things quick and light-hearted, I will now improvise a list. Ten Things That Are Always Funny:

1. Personal websites from the 1990s. Close your eyes (except not really, idiot) and imagine this. Highlighter green background. Page takes several long seconds to load, and when it does, some wretched midi file begins playing automatically. Yellow, bolded Comic Sans scrolls by on a looping marquee, proudly stating, "Welcome to my Site!" Somewhere inconvenient, a graphic of, I don't know, the globe or something, rotates. A broken link surrounded by a purple box offers to take you "Home." Across the bottom is a pasted copyright symbol and a hotmail address in underlined blue. Always funny.
2. The phrase "according to science." I've discussed this in videos, I've made reference to this in videos, and I will continue to use this in videos wherever applicable. I don't know why it cracks me up, exactly-- maybe it's just the perfect testament to America's arrogant ignorance? Whatever the reason, I can assure you that if you're ever in a pinch to make me laugh, begin your sentence with "According to science...." Always funny.
3. Similarly, the word "fetus." Always funny.
4. 30 Rock. Those of you who've been following me for a while know all about my undying devotion to Tina Fey, but this year, that devotion has spread to the entire cast and writing team of her sitcom. I've now seen every episode at least five times. I beg you, if you've never given 30 Rock a chance, get your butt on Netflix and work your way through. Absolutely worth it. Always funny.
5. The way I still, at age twenty, have to thoroughly think through whether midnight is 12pm or 12am. Not always something I'm proud to admit, but always funny.
6. People with sexy foreign accents trying to force a bad American accent. Always funny.
   
7. The fact that a large group of clever, interesting, smart people are willing to come back every single day for an entire month just to hear what some girl in Ohio ate for lunch. I know I say that a lot, but it's because it marvels me a lot. Always inspiring, always funny.
8. Babies wearing bunny ears. As my father once said, "A baby wearing bunny ears is always good for a guffaw." Also, always funny.
9. The way I bare my teeth like a ravenous wolf every time I look at cheese. There was a not-even-kidding silver platter of grilled cheese sandwiches at my dining hall today. Instead, I ate fruit and zucchini bread for breakfast, red grapes and quinoa with beans and corn for lunch, a big ol' sandwich*** with chips and a banana for dinner, and a block of dark chocolate while doing homework. But when I saw the forty-some passersby with ice cream cones this afternoon? I almost punched someone out. Almost punching someone out? Always funny.
10. The way I just shoved the list of what I ate today into this list (listception!) and still have three minutes left before midnight. CHAMPION! ALWAYS FUNNY!

Okay, wow, I didn't think I could pull that off. I'm gonna go run a victory lap (and by that I mean sleep). I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!


Chipotle burritos this year: 5.5
Subscribers: 48,620
Nail color: "Samoan Sand," OPI
Miles run today: 4

*This sentence reminds me of Global GUTS.
**This sentence reminds me of this.
***Hummus, cucumbers, tomatos, spinach, carrots, green peppers, red onion.

Coconut Revisited (on the bathroom floor)

First of all, if you commented on yesterday's post, you are hilarious and adored. Second of all, yesterday's post? I have no idea what you're talking about. I am completely oblivious. Any reference you ever make in regards to yesterday will be addressed with utter confusion. What cross-stitched cat?

Yesterday began with a splash, and that splash was coconut milk ice cream. Out of my mouth. Over and over again. Taking place on my knees in the community dorm bathroom. Good morning! Yeah, in vomclusion, that was a horrible idea and every single one of you who suggested I try it should check your mail, because I've sent you a vile of my throwup. It's labeled "Hayley's Crushed Hopes & Dreams" and my stomach is not speaking to you right now.

Bile aside, I spent most of Tuesday in an unspectacular mood for other reasons. I was hungry but food felt gross, I had French homework but don't speak French, a guy in one of my classes thought George Washington lived during the Renaissance... it was an all-around angst fest. On top of that, I was frustrated with a few comments I received on Monday's post. I'm not sure how I'm expected to amuse every reader every day of the month, but I've gotten over it. The overwhelming majority of feedback I receive is kind and funny and lovely, so it's simply unfair to be a brat over one or two slightly critical remarks. I think my bad attitude was just the stomach ache talking. Besides, I make myself laugh, and that's the point, right? Narcissism? Right.

FOR THOSE INTERESTED, today I ate cheerios and this and a banana and ziti noodles with marinara sauce and carrot sticks. For those who don't care, oh well. No real updates on the dairy withdrawal: I still want a pizza. I still can't have a pizza. The saga continues.

Anyway, I'm currently watching The Aristocats for the first time since I was about six years old, and I have a friend over, so I've gotta go... tend to that. I hope you cats have a lovely evening, and I'll see you tomorrow!

Chipotle burritos this year: 5.5
Subscribers: 48,582
Nail color: "Samoan Sand," OPI

P.S. This movie is anti-feminist. All the women are teases or crazy cat ladies or falling off the back of the truck.

Technically a blog post.

Lactating Coconuts

After spending way too much time studying in the library, this evening called for an adventure. A thrilling adventure. A daring and devious adventure! But I couldn't think of any, so instead I went to the grocery store and bought dairy-free ice cream. /anticlimax

A lot of you have been recommending different brands of faux-milk products, and I figured it was time to give one a try. I went out in search of a pint of coconut ice cream, hoping its pretty label with pictures of cookie dough chunks would not betray me. It cost seven dollars, which is mildly insane... but I justified the purchase by telling myself, "You just have to enjoy it as much as you'd enjoy paying to see some Ashton Kutcher movie in theaters." This calmed me down, because the only way I'd like coconut milk less than Ashton Kutcher movies is if coconut milk gave me anaphylactic shock whilst punching my mother.*

So I tried it. Not horrible. The consistency is much softer than real ice cream-- I had to fight off the temptation to eat the first layer super fast, because unlike with the real deal, the second layer was no less melty-- but all in all, if I hadn't seen the packaging, I might not have known the difference. It didn't seem so much like fake ice cream... just slightly crappy ice cream. Also, in hindsight, the fact that it tasted like coconut should have surprised me less. I don't have any huge issue with coconuts or anything, but I've never been enough of a fan to waste a few hundred calories on their artificial lactation. For seven dollars, I dug out all the cookie dough chunks, popped the lid back on, and called it a day. If anyone's in need of some mangled coconut teat puss**, it's all yours.

Other than that, today was quite delicious. Breakfast was orange juice and two pieces of wheat toast; one with peanut butter, one with peach preserves. Lunch was green tea and a few pieces of vegetarian sushi. I had a small afternoon snack of hummus and Sun Chips, realizing early on that hummus and Sun Chips go poorly together, but continuing nonetheless, because I am a fighter. For dinner, I waited in line for my dining hall's wok bar, of which you can see pictures here, here, and here. It was tasty, but I only got through about a fourth of the dish before feeling utterly stuffed. Then came a few spoonfuls of the icey coconut concoction, and (much later in the evening) my friends were going to Chipotle... and I have what Freud calls Burrito Envy... so I tagged along and gorged on chips and salsa as a nighttime snack. Yummmmtastic.

I got yelled at in yesterday's comments for not divulging a list of everything I ate, so I'm making up for it with this totally food-centered post. Now that we're all balanced out, The Hayleylujah Chorus will be back to regular programming tomorrow night. I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you then!

Chipotle burritos this year: 5ish
Subscribers: 48,499
Nail color: "Samoan Sand," OPI
Miles run today: How could you expect me to work out when I had so much eating to do?

*I do not like Ashton Kutcher movies.
**Yes, that was both stupid and gross, but it amused me, so lay off.

Chickpeas and Testicles

"Everyone's daily posts have gone to shit by this point so you can probably get away with whatever you want." -Mike Lombardo, philosopher

Well, it's April 10th, and we've finally reached that point in BEDA where I stare at a flashing cursor and realize I have nothing to say. But I'm not going to complain, because there's nothing worse than that girl who bitches about the fact that strangers laugh at her jokes and care about her lunch.* Instead, I will provide for you (aren't you fortunate?) a list of unrelated thoughts I'm having tonight.

1. Hummus tastes good but chickpeas do not. This doesn't seem to add up.
   
2. This afternoon, I ran four miles in 83-degree heat. People usually laugh when I call myself a badass, but guys-- I'm a badass. I'm basically Lance Armstrong.**
3. Out of curiosity, I browsed my town's Craigslist tonight. I don't think 50-year-old men in my area have a very good understanding of the term "strictly platonic." I am now experiencing what is commonly referred to as being "skeeved out," and I shall forever be on my guard when I pass adult men in the grocery store.
4. I have a ton of homework due this week, but I don't have to turn most of it in until Tuesday or Wednesday. Naturally, I've chosen to start it all tomorrow night.
   
5. This afternoon's sunshine was heavenly. The ghostly lines on my legs where my shorts stopped? Less heavenly, but at least hilarious.
   

Now wasn't that fun? And educational! On that note, I'm gonna go shower my nasty self. Hopefully I'll have something more interesting to share in tomorrow's post... and hopefully, tomorrow, I won't be sweaty and disgusting. Do me a favor and have lovely night. A demain!


Chipotle burritos this year: 5
Subscribers: 48,468
Nail color: "Samoan Sand," OPI
Miles run today: 4

*This sentence is an example of a literary device called "hyperbole." Some examples of things worse than my complaining about having to write a blog: war, torture, genocide, poverty, starvation, inescapable caste systems, disease, grief, loneliness, loss of limb, explaining the definition of "hyperbole" to people old enough to read internet blogs.
**I, too, am missing a testicle.***
***Two of them.

What is this dark magic?

Hello, lovelies. It's the ninth day of April and I still want a pizza. For those just tuning in, I'm taking on a 30-day challenge to give up dairy products. It's not a weight loss thing; I'm just curious about the rumored health benefits all my vegan friends rave about, so I'm forgoing milk in addition to my vegetarianism. The first five days were nothing-- a lifestyle full of salads and extra energy felt plausible-- but now, officially, my cheese-craving-angst runneth over and I feel like this:
After a breakfast of Cheerios with soy milk and a Panera lunch made of 75% bread, I still spent most of my evening hungry. Everyone's giving me very kind advice (add more variety to your diet, push through because the first week is the hardest, just scarf down a block of cheddar in the middle of the night and don't tell anyone...), but I still feel GRAWR! I am a lunatic, raging with all the firey passion of my white, first-world, middle-class pain. I will prevail. But I will prevail at your expense, Readers of My Daily Complaining.

In cheerier news, I had fun today. Needing a break from our college town, my friend Carina and I went on a mini roadtrip to a mall, about an hour and a half away. We didn't buy much, but we had a good time giggling about the inadequacies in our educations about makeup (how do you do that thing where you, like, put colored powders on your eyelids? What is this dark magic?) and browsing the big Barnes & Noble for books about women escaping the confines of polygamy. In terms of a Saturday afternoon: productive.

Regarding your comments on yesterday's post, again, guys, you crack me up. Your elementary school motivational quotes were... maybe not helpful, but at least very amusing. I'll end tonight's post by returning the favor, as best I can: Reach for the stars. Shoot for the moon. Dance like nobody's watching. If at first you don't succeed, give up and buy mozzarella sticks.

No. Not that last one.


Chipotle burritos this year: 5
Subscribers: 48,421
Nail color: "Samoan Sand," OPI

Rabid Raccoon

Super quick post tonight because it's Friday on a college campus and I have to go pretend to have things to do. What did I eat today? Peanut butter. I only ate peanut butter. (That's a joke.) (But it's also practically true.) (As in, the Joke is my Life.) In all seriousness, though, this lack-of-cheese thing is continuing to get me down. If you guys have any corny* motivational sayings from, like, fifth grade gym class, please leave them in the comments as a source of encouragement. Without moral support, I might sleepwalk to the grocery store and sleepeat a roll of chocolate chip cookie dough, and trust me, that just sounds dangerous.

Before I dart off, a story from my day:


My friend PJ and I were walking around outside when we saw this. Concerned, we took turns taking careful, slow steps toward the little guy, hoping we wouldn't scare him/get holes punched through our faces by his inevitably rabid chompers. Eventually, I got worried (and scared) enough to call Animal Control... and just as I heard ringing on the other end, a guy walked over to the rabid raccoon and put it on his head.

The raccoon, whose life I attempted to save from both disease and the persecution that he would have faced should he have attacked a human, was a hat. Goodnight.


Chipotle burritos this year: 5
Subscribers: 48,374
Nail color: "Samoan Sand," OPI
Miles run today: Shut up.

*I could have said "cheesy" but I didn't want to rub salt in my own wound. But now it's done. Curse you, footnote.