Monday, July 22, 2013

Jobs I Could Do

I've been out of college for seven months, obsessively Craigslisting apartments on the West Coast for a year*, and staring at the microscopic number in my measly savings account for the past twenty minutes. Don't get me wrong-- I'm loving every second of freelance writing and videoblogging and making content for Gurl and My Damn Channel. I'm paying the bills (for the most part) and working hard (for the most part) and doing everything I ought to be doing (eh), but if I want to live somewhere perpetually sunny and where the majority of pedestrians don't don bald eagle-emblazoned sweatpants, it may be time to consider a job on the side. Unfortunately, my bachelor's degree is in "Creative Writing" and "Gender Studies" and essentially qualifies me to talk about my feelings and fill out coloring books, so below is a list of side jobs I think I could handle.

Side jobs I think I could handle:

  • High class prostitute who only gets hired by old retirees who physically can't have sex and just want to pay young women $200,000 a year to sit by a pool and drink mimosas
  • Manicurist at one of those expensive salons where rich white ladies want to talk to you about their neighbors' husbands' affairs for so long that they overstay their appointments and tip generously
  • Jillian Michaels impersonator, provided I don't actually have to work out and my job just entails watching exhausted people jog on a treadmill and shouting "You disgust me!" intermittently
  • Cat psychic
  • A cat's sidekick in a movie about a superhero cat and me, her clumsy-but-lovable best friend
  • Alternatively, the screenwriter for the cat superhero movie
  • Personal assistant/shopper for a cat actor (is the one who played Sassy in Homeward Bound available/alive?)**
  • Porn actress-- catering only to food fetishes-- and only if I don't have to show my face-- and only if I don't have to use my real name-- and only if all I have to do is eat 35-cent Oriental ramen on camera
  • Plant watcher (Note: I have proven multiple times my inability to keep plants alive, so only hire me if you are in the market for someone to just literally look at your plants)
  • Snarky livetweeter (will occasionally write "Buy Oreos or something!" in between my speculations as to whether an 83-year-old Christopher Plummer would go out with me-- for a fee of $5,000/tweet plus Oreos)
  • Celebrity baby namer (I predicted "North West" months in advance and if that's not a marketable skill then I can't fathom what is)
  • Starbucks

So if you can offer me any of those positions along with fantastic health benefits, occasional doughnuts, and leniency if I sometimes stop working to record myself talking about Honey Boo Boo, I'm all yours. Until then, I'll be here... refreshing Craiglist and using my diploma as an 80,000-dollar tea coaster.

P.S. I put up a new video a few days ago!

*Are you aware that you can get away with calling an apartment a "two-bedroom" if there's a large enough closet in the bathroom for someone to feasibly sleep in it if they were strapped, standing, to a hotel cot?
**No word on Sassy's breathing status, but she does have a very descriptive wiki page


Stefan said...

I think you under value the ability to write cat super hero movies. Movie studios will totally make those movies.

Anonymous said...

Definitely write the cat superhero movie.
Also, any prince name predictions?

Anonymous said...

Hmm ironically you actually could do the food one have you ever heard of Its as hilarious as it sounds and just proves human sexuality is confusing and scary.

Scumbag Sam said...

OK, legit, I'm pretty sure you could do the food porn one. There must be a market - if not, I'd be really interested in you perhaps releasing a cook book - you know, you could write recipes and funny little stories in the margins and it would be an adorable vegan cookbook!! (aka, please do this).

Anonymous said...

Did you write this entire post just to perfectly position a joke about how predicting "North West" has to be a marketable skill? Because if so, I think you did it perfectly ;)

George Wood said...

This is brill because I legit have an interview with Starbucks this week. I so relate!

Kara said...

There isn't any kind of super girl power/writing thing out there? I'm thinking mainly of Jessica Darling's job, so maybe it's just too good (and fictional) to be true.

I think the superhero cat one should totally be a thing, though. How many damn sports-playing/space dog movies do they have to make before they move on to the fairer species? I'm counting on you to kickstart that genre, Hoover.

Also, like, good luck. Job stuff kinda sucks.

maggiehanna said...

I can not offer you a position for snarky livetweeter because I am also looking for that job. You have some competition, Hoover.

Jess the Nerdfighting Band Geek said...

My friend works at starbucks, and they get insane amounts of coffee. She has been known to leave her leftover grounds in the student lounge for us to take.

Also, you should consider chipotle, because chipotle.

Sarah Badger said...

You forgot "live-in nanny to one baby Badger."

kira902k said...

I'm not even close to graduating uni but i'm stressin already

Anonymous said...

There are plenty of jobs you could apply for, setting aside shop-keeper and waitress jobs.
Here's a few from the top of my head:
1. Substitute teacher/tutor (you mention being good at colouring things, maybe even a job in kindergarten)

2. Publishing, as in a secretary at a publishing company. Which is great because you'll get to see books early on, and meet authors.

3. Advertising
You can use your creative writing skills to come up with the most soul crushing puns.

I have no idea what kind of jobs are available where you live. So I'll just stop now.

Hakuna matata?

Amelia T said...

This is so weird, I was about to make the EXACT same blog post. Although maybe it's not that weird, as 90% of my blog posts are now 'ah, I need to get a job' and 98% of my Google searches are 'jobs that involve sitting on youtube for 8hrs a day'

Amelia T said...

Also how did you get this comment box with the email follow up comments option? Thanks!

Charlie said...


Marizol said...

I just made a new blog and stumbled into your blog and randomly clicked on your youtube button, and I thought you where really charming, smart and funny. So you just got a new subscriber :)

FastFifa14 said...

Celebrity baby namer (I predicted "North West" months in advance and if that's not a marketable skill then I can't fathom what is)

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