Monday, September 21, 2009

Upset and Angry

Studying Donne in my English class has programmed my mind to spew out a constant string of unconventional analogies. And this, dear readers, leads me to say this: Blogging is exactly like exercise. It sounds frightening and painful when you haven't done it in a while, requires a few minutes of warming up, feels good in the middle, and feels even better when you're done. However, it's also super hard to get back in the habit once you've taken a few days off. Unlike Donne, I have a suspicion that I've already made this same comparison in an early blog. If I have, pretend I haven't. If I haven't, you can go ahead and think to yourself, Wow, that Hayley is just so brilliant. I know. I know.

Anyway, I'm alive. I didn't write on Friday because I was eating mass amounts of pizza and watching stupid movies with Michal in her dorm. I got back late, opened my laptop with the intention of updating, and was pulled away by that football player from my high school, because his girlfriend was visiting, and she was fed up with watching him play video games all night. So, to remedy the situation, I... entertained his girlfriend in a room, surrounded by boys playing video games all night. Not exactly the party of a lifetime, but it was still probably healthier than writing to strangers, alone, and falling asleep in my clothes.

Jess and Sebastian came down on Saturday. We did things the Jess-and-Hayley way, meaning that we ate more calories than any of our bodies wanted, and laughed a lot. Jess and Erin hit it off, as I knew they would, and the two of them went on a little adventure while Sebastian and I had some boyfriend/girlfriend time. Later, the four of us went to the hookah bar with PJ (the lonelygirl15 guy), where Jess showed all of us up with her amazing smoke rings. With a tiny nicotine buzz and some dancing, skipping and other revelry, we went to a dumb, stereotypical backyard party because my hometown friends wanted the true OU experience. This resulted in Jess and I singing "Best I Ever Had" with Solo cups in hand, and Sebastian and I mostly breaking up.

Sunday was hard. Leaving Jess the first time was positively miserable three weeks ago, but watching her leave me was unbearable. I now have memories of my best friend in all my school hangouts, and while other people here are awesome, and I love my new life to death, no one else, anywhere, will ever compare to this unbreakable relationship I started before I could write. A genuine liter of tears poured out of me during our goodbye hug, and as I walked away, I had to cup my hand over my mouth so passersby didn't hear my obnoxious choking sobs. It was all different shades of embarrassing and messy and sad as hell. There's nothing melodramatic or exaggerated about my friendship with Jess. She's the single most important person to me, and no amount of consolation will make this amount of separation fully tolerable.

To top it off, Sebastian and I officially broke up right before they left. Before you jump to conclusions, it was for very good reasons, and while we're sad, it was both unavoidable and nobody's fault. I called him this morning, after I had to walk up a huge hill in the rain, immediately after waking up, with a food hangover. Because he's the person I call when I feel like that, and things between us aren't going to change over something so petty. Sigh. It was inevitable, but it just isn't fun.

To top that all off, I'm vicariously pissed for Kristina, whose life is the opposite of fair right now. We've been talking about how excited we are for her to get back home this week, and it only truly hit me tonight that while she's coming back to the ability to call me, she's not actually coming home to me. Why can't the people we love just be close enough to hug? Or throw things with? In fact, why can't the people we need to throw things at be close enough to vandalize their stuff and break their faces?

I'm sorry. I haven't blogged in a few days, because I was worried it would come out like this. My roommate is asleep next to me with her comforter pulled over her head, and I'm pounding angrily on my laptop with the lights on. My mother is being a nagging psycho and texting me every two seconds, demanding that I call her, because my family has the unrealistic expectation that I want to talk to them at all times, and about everything. Ugh. Stop me from punching a wall or something.

Sexy: Nina Jankowicz. She's a great person, so fun to hang out with, and I've been watching her videos nonstop since I woke up today.
Unsexy: Everything else!

Chipotle burritos this year: 31
Bagel Street visits this school year: 4
Subscribers: 20,580

Bye, guys. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow. <3


Rachelle said...

I hope you feel better Hayley. It's easier to leave your friends and go 'home' than it is when your friends leave you. I always feel bored, because nothing is as fun as it is when a friend shares it with you.

to_thine_own_self said...

Aww, Hayley. I hope things get better. I really do.
Some of the things that are going on in your life I can relate to, while others I cannot.
I, too, have to say goodbye to my best friend soon. She is going off to the very same college that I was planning on going to, while I am left behind with my options slowly shrinking. I already miss her, because I haven't gotten to properly talk to her in a long time.
Also, my family is the same...they constantly have to be caught up on my business and everything.
Just remember that if you need to vent, your readers are here.
And if you need to take a few days off to think or to mentally cleanse...that's totally cool, too.


The Vagabond said...

I'm sorry you didn't have something more happy to update about. I know how you feel about the goodbye thing and the friends being too far away to hug thing though. It sucks royal hippogriff. At least you do have friends at college. I was actually quite impressed by how easily you made friends. I guess it's just because I haven't been able to do it. I wish I was as good as you were though.

Anyway, don't punch any walls. Just re watch A Very Potter Musical. That's what I do when I want to feel better.

iwishiwereaWeasley said...

Wow, sorry to see you are so down right now. This blog had a very FMLesque feel to it, which always sucks. I hope you have loads of great people around to give you hugs when you need them! You've probably heard this a thousand times before, but don't worry, things will get better! I live hundreds of miles away from my best friend and yet, we are closer than we've ever been. As strange as that sounds.

DaisyJo said...

hang in there girlfriend. Breaking up is hard to do (hah). Even when it's for the RIGHT reasons . . . you still think about it everyday for a while.

KatieSham said...

This is mostly unrelated to this post, but I don't know how frequently you go back and read comments on previous posts.
(And it doesn't really apply anymore..seeing as you've settled in nicely. BUT I'm going to say it ANYWAY.)

You said something in an earlier post about how you were upset to leave because you've had the same best friends forever and were worried you wouldn't make friends easily.
I, on the other hand have sort of an opposite worry. I've been to a billion different schools, so I can make friends rather easily. But because of that, I also don't have very many REALLY close friends (To be totally honest, there's one). So you might be setting off, a little lonely at first, but just know that you have that strong backbone of close friends that's there for you always. :)

Don't know WHY I felt the need to post that horribly long irrelevant post, but THERE you go.

jessmcfadden said...

:( :( :( :( :(

traderbob11 said...

What do you mean writing to strangers? Girl we've been around for years.

YEA on that kick Sebastian to the curb thing!

Back to my names sake...but first...


Sarah A.F.Mow said...

Did you and Sebastian really break up? I hope not. Well, I hope that whatever has happened or will happen works out for the best because well, I believe in fate and all that.

It's weird how all the awesome girls got boyfriends when I did. Now I'm sorta superstitously scared of losing mine since Kristina and possibly you have lost yours.

I miss the warm feeling I get from your blog. Your writing is beautiful

Margaret said...

D: Evidently everyone is having crappy days lately. And I know it really, really sucks right now, but give it time and everything will suck less. You and Jess will live in a fabulous house together when you're both out of college (in Seattle, so Kristina can come over, of course).

Breakups are always hard (says the person who's never dated). But you seem to realize this and are handling it very maturely. It had to happen. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck. I understand. :) (That smiley was meant to be consoling, not snide or smug as it may have appeared.)

Your mother is just lonely. Just tolerate it for the time being. Once she realizes that you're moving on, she'll stop being so annoying. And if I was a mother and had experience to justify this statement, I would tell you that you're going to start to miss her too when she lets go. But since I don't have experience in this, I won't say that. ;)

Anyway, that's about all the unjustifiable advice I have for now. Just... persevere. You're good at that.

JoshV said...

I'm not sure if it will make you feel better, but the news of you breaking up with Sebastian just made countless boys all over the world happy and hopeful. I guess you're kinda like Jesus in that way.

Eddy said...

Well, this blog entry is a real roller coaster ride for me to read. I first read the line in the 3rd paragraph "...Sebastian and I mostly breaking up." as "...Sebastian and I almost breaking up." I gasped and then reread it and was okay. Then I read the 5th paragraph and find that you two did break up!

The first year of college and being away from home can be incredibly stressful. I found being single in college to be the easier route. Of course, I was known for hiding in the library for 10 hour stretches of time with my nose buried in books. No time for a girlfriend for me, but I made lots of awesome friends.

Hayley, I wish you happiness and joy in your 4 years of college. Don't lose sight of the big picture of what you want out of life. Just rememeber to have lots of fun in college too. It truly is the best time of your life!

Michelle said...

I am glad for you in that you can at least still call Sebastian when you need to. And that entertaining the girlfriend thing? I totally understand. That tends to be my function in my dorm as well. I completely appreciate the fact that you do blog even when you get out of practice.

Kaitlyn w/ a K said...

In the words of Hannah Montana, don't let no small frustration ever bring you down (no no no no). Just take a situation and turn it all around!

Hah. Ok, seriously. I think you're super great, and I'm sorry than things are suckish right now.

Emily said...

Aw, Hayley! Hugs! <3
That's all I can do. :[

Holly said...

Phew, that sounds like a tough few days on your part. I sincerely hope you feel better. If you need a distraction, then immerse yourself in studies!! It may not be fun, but it takes your mind of things AND is beneficial to grades! Haha, that sounded like an infomercial. I should head into the advertising business.

Shelby Rebekah said...

when life sucks and is least you know you're alive.

insertpalindromehere said...

John Donne is also good for the heartbreak. Between your best friend and your boyfriend I think you can sympathise with Donne's yearning for the love of his life.

Another less upsetting thing you have in common with Donne is the ability to write beautifully. You might feel rusty sometimes but your blogs always read like poetry. Not a huge consolation for the emotional chaos you're enduring but something I hope you'll keep in mind.

Scott said...

"Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each."

When I get depressed, I just remember that by letting all of the suspense build between seeing my friends, our time together is that much more special. (Hint to Mrs. Hoover - The same goes for talking to family on the phone while at school. I know if I talk to my Mum everyday, I have nothing new to say, and I get really annoyed by all of her questions. It's easier to talk and have a good conversation when phone calls are resigned to once a week, or every couple of days.)

Also, what I do with "my Jess" it look at the big dipper when I miss her. It's an agreement we have that no matter where we are or what we're doing, we'll always make the time to spend with each other (in our respective locations, mind you), by looking at the big dipper, and sending one another a smile.

Be happy, Hayley. <3

omgitslouise said...

I'm sorry about Sebastian, Hayley. But, hey, always look on the bright side of life, right? Your new college life sounds awesome! :] <3

Lotte said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a rough patch...and everything always comes at once with such things :S I hope you'll be feeling better soon. Hanging out with your new made friends might help!!! :) Though I can totally imagine why you feel so sad for your best friend to leave, that's hard! But just remember that she's not on the other side of the world :) *hugs*

Catherine said...

"Why can't the people we love just be close enough to hug?"

This is the perfect T-shirt slogan. And although the people I love aren't exactly on the other side of the country, it's still hard.

SlytherinSweetie said...

I guess all I can say is I hope things get a whole lot better. I'm not great with advice. And if you've already watched Kayley's new video she says that the best thing is to take 45 minutes out of your day to sad. Just chill out, drink hot chocolate, read. Something mellow. I really, really, do hope things get better. And I know what you mean about the "Why can't the people we love be close enough to hug?" I know what you mean. I haven't seen my best friend in forever. And I don't think that's gonna happen soon, between school, homework, ridiculous amounts of studying, cello, piano, and viola.

Nicholas said...

Oh Hayley :-(

I, too, sometimes wonder why the people we care about can't just be near us. I mean, what's the point in living/working/etc when the things that make life truely grand (friends or ice cream as ersatz-friends) are nowhere to be found :-/

I feel like the guy in "into the wild" at the end of the movie *lesigh*.

Alyce said...

As hard as leaving people can be, it only makes you look forward to seeing them more the next time. Think about all of the great things you'll be able to tell Jess when you next see her, and that absence makes the heart grow fonder. (As cliché as that is, it's really the truth.)
Feel better and get happier soon :)
xx, Alyce

Anonymous said...


I feel like that's all I can say right now.

And you're awesome <3

Bel Glezer said...

Hayley, feel better!
It's gonna be fine, even though you can't actually grasp the improvement right away...

We, your blog readers, made an option to read about everything you write, be it cheerful or depressing! It's ok!

Nina Jaknowicz is BRILLIANT! I became addicted to her this week, and what a coincidence for you to mention her! She absolutely rocks!

The Blazing Snow said...

If it makes you feel any better, I follow quite a few blogs, but nowadays I only seem to look for your updates.

Natalie said...

In some ways, its probably super-creepy that so many strangers care about you being upset and want to give you a hug.
But still, we bloglings do.
I hope you feel much better, and if you don't, go eat something gooey and chocolatey that contains way too many calories to be good for you. FEEL BETTER HAYLEEEY!

allison said...

Aww, I know things will get better for you. You're smart- and you won't let yourself make some pretty damn stupid decisions. I wish you the best!
Lots of Love!
Allison <3

Maya said...


inkstainedpages said...

When you started blogging about college a few weeks ago, I was jealous of how easily you fit into the college life and made friends. Last year I spent the first week or so wallowing in homesickness and therefore missed the chance to make friends with all the people in my hall because I turned them down so many times that first week. As a result, I was miserable for most of the year. It's interesting to see that the feelings of horrible homesickness/missing people you love is just as bad for amazingly social people like you. Saying goodbye just never gets easier, does it?

I hope your week starts going better. Hang in there, Hayley! <3

tyrannosauruslexxx said...

"In fact, why can't the people we need to throw things at be close enough to vandalize their stuff and break their faces?"

don't worry. I'm close enough to break his face.

VTBurninator said...

Cheer up Charlie! Your loyal blog readers will be here no matter how long in between postings! Make us the cupcake you sneak when you want something sweet and naughty, not the exercise you dread ;)

And I totally feel you on the parental front. I was such a homebody, family kid that when I went away to college and got my own life my family melted down and had to be recast. Growing pains will pass and equilibrium will be found, just give it time.

Wow, look at me all advice-giving and what have you. Hang in there HGH and feel the hug I'm sending your way!

Ravenclaw2313 said...

*hugs* I'm glad your breakup wasn't terrible, but I know how much they suck. Even when I was the one who dumped a guy I felt terrible. As far as the issue with being too far way to vandalize. I recommend dart boards with pictures or my other favorite anger pastime; dropping unbreakable glasses from incredible heights.

Feel better. Talk to your friends. Wish Kristina the best you can from a distance and write again soon.

seurat2 said...

I'm sorry you and Sebastian didn't work out as a couple, but really good to hear you are still friends. Your friendship with Jess is a gift, the pain of being separated is a by-product of that gift. If you didn't love her so much, you wouldn't feel so bad, but you wouldn't give up the love would you? And no, it is not the same when friends aren't near enough to hug but you can still make each other laugh and that's yet another gift. Hope the awesome resumes and the suckiness stops soon.`

Gale said...

You know what I think you need, a road-trip. And even though you don't completely enjoy sports, OU is playing UTK this weekend and that way you could get away from everything and I could meet my favorite blogger. I'm just saying think about it. Also, I can't necessarily relate to what your going through, but for what its worth, sorry.

kira902k said...

Aw, Hayley, life certainly can be difficult sometimes. It sucks about having to see Jess leave, but at least you know that you can have fun times like this with her again.
Also, I'm sorry about Sebastian, but it's awesome that you can still stay friends.
Things'll get better. You're probably feeling better now. I hope you are.
I know that your blog isn't really the privatest of places, but remember that you have some devoted blog readers who really care about you, and want to hear about your day, no matter how shitty it was.
And don't forget...
smile :D

You rocks.


Gomezzio said...

Oh Hayley, we're not that strange.

Wait, yes we are.

Anyways, I hope you feel better soon. :] -Wishes this comment could be longer and make you feel like nothing's wrong with the world- I try.

Eddy said...

If only they were Chipolte, I would make you enter this next year!

ALBUQUERQUE (AP) — Professional eater "Humble Bob" Shoudt ate 33 burritos in 10 minutes, winning the 2009 World Burrito eating championship on Friday before an excited crowd at the New Mexico State Fair.

These were only 4 ounce burritos, but that is still a lot of food.
Hope this puts a smile on your face!

shethinkstoomuch said...

you should break something (a glass, a plate) or go outside and scream at the top of your may release all the stuff that is piling up in your soul, all the bad emotions.
Everyone at some point reaches this level of powerless feeling. It's just like in a game, you just have to move on and begin the other level of your life.
obviously my metaphor sucks but...I couldn't stop myself from writing it. take care

Katy J said...

ugh. I'm sorry about your mom. Mine did the same thing when I went to school. I'm also sorry about the other things that are smelly in your life right now. Trust me, things will get better, even if it doesn't feel like that right now.
Keep your head up, girl.
<3 <3 <3

the girl with the glass said...

distance sucks and is a blessing at the same time. boy, paradoxes are frustrating. i feel you, girl.

VicMorrowsGhost said...

Here's to better times ahead.

A.J. James said...

I have had an ongoing blog for the better part of 4 years, It has seen foreign countries and many relationships, I think the hardest thing I ever do is step away from it for any length of time... It is so hard to get back into the swing of things....

I am really glad you are having so much fun in school, I was really worried your experience would be more like Lauren's which was unfortunate to say the least.

As far as long distance friends, welcome to the world of the virtual community, The internet is amazing, but at some point I think we have forgotten the comfort we found in having all of our friends live with in the same city block.

I'm sorry you and Sebastian have broken up, but I understand the difficulties. Fear not miss Hoover, a gorgeous Intelligent and feisty young woman like yourself will never want for attention...
"James" (aslanenlisted)

Anonymous said...

awh hayley, im sowwy :(

don't worry though, sebastian may have left but ben & jerry haven't. <333

Maddy said...

I am really sorry to hear things aren't going well. Hang in there, Hayley, and I hope that things start looking up soon <3

Nokorola said...

Hayley, feel better please. Not seeing close friends is horrible, I went/ am going through it too, at least you'll always have Paris... I mean Winter and Summer break.

Sarah said...

Reading this blog makes me upset and angry FOR you/on your behalf. I'm sorry that life can be hard. I hope that the hard parts start getting easier and the good parts keep staying good.

I am back at school, away from my close friends and family, and even though I have some friends here, I just have these days where I NEED to see someone who has known me forever; who gets me and whom I can talk to without needing any effort. So I get you on that point...

Eddy said...

Today, is National Puncuation Day, your assignment: should you choose to accept it; is to either correct all the stupid! "'puncuation' errors" on this: comment; or to make a video as the Puncuation Fairy!

Yeah...I hope this puts a big, smile, on your' face(!). Plus (+); I truly hope you make the: (video] so we all can see you smile :) again$ All of your blog reader's care and worry about you*

Just so you know, "bad puncuation" really bothers me and I know "this comment" is as painful for me to write as it is for you to read.

I hope you are doing well, Hayley G, Hoover!


Anonymous said...

Aw, Hayley I hope you feel better soon.
All the fiveawesomegirls seem sad recently, I think you all need hugs.
I know how hard it is to be pulled apart from your best friend, my best friend is now four hours away at university. :( It sucks, but that's what Skype is for!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry about the break up. But if it was for the best then it was for the best. Things will be peachy pretty soon. I'm so sorry about having to part with your bff too. It sounds awful. I wish I had a bond like that with my bff but mostly she's driving me up the wall right now. <3 you Hayley! I wish you and Kristina could be together and throw things too. That's why I wish y'all could have all found a way to go to the same college (except Kayley can't yet, obv) but how awesome would that have been??

Nina said...

For some reason I just noticed your mentioning me now (I am a bit behind in my blog reading. whateva.) And I luff you. That is all. <3

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