[Disclaimer: Lately, I am in a perpetually good mood. While much of this post sounds kind of depressing, I am very happy-- both happy in my life, and happy to be back, writing to you.]
It was approximately seven hours into my day-long obsession with Formspring this December that I realized just how much of myself I give to the internet. I don't mean that in a "Zomg, my life is so hard-- people I've never even met care deeply about me!" way. I'm extremely grateful for the undeserved gift of my readers and viewers. I bring this all upon myself, and the vast majority of the time, I live for it. Even in my blogging absence, thoughts crossed my mind that I was dying to post. But, for two months, I fought those inherent urges to publish my naked soul. I did this for a few reasons.
Why I Haven't Blogged:
--Originally, it was because something truly awful happened in the life of a friend, and I neither possessed the drive to explain it cryptically enough so as not to dip into her privacy, nor the audacity to pretend it didn't exist and carry along my merry way while she was sad. And, frankly, her sadness weighs heavily on me, and she is significantly more important than my anecdotes about Mexican food. (Things are now as good and normal as they can be after a permanent loss, and, as my friend is the strongest person I know, she is doing well.)
--First dates are significantly less interesting when the other person knows, quite nearly, everything about you. Half the fun of meeting new people is telling stories to test their reactions, and watching them try to figure you out. You're excited to get their backstory, see if you understand them, and see if they understand you. Subscribing to a girl's every thought kind of ruins any chance she has at being intriguing.
--Winter break (without a temporary retail job, at least, which I did not have this time) is a flat-out uneventful time. Had I tried to come up with something fascinating to say every other day, I would have resorted to complaining about the world, which a) already occurs plenty often in this blog, and b) is downer. I don't know a lot of people who need another downer around commercial Christmastime, when the air is already thick with stress and money and family drama. And my family? They're good. They wouldn't have deserved whatever I resorted to bitching about in order to fulfill my self-imposed writing requirement.
--I wanted to sleep all morning and go out all night. Sue me; I'm nineteen. :)
--I just didn't feel like it. It's true that this dump for my whiny attempts at self-expression can be widely therapeutic at times (your witty comments alone tend to recharge me on sad days and make me happy to be living my life!), but sometimes the best therapy is to have a little bit of time alone. I've always been stumped about the question of whether I'm introverted or extroverted, because, like, I don't think it's standard introvert behavior to make a living off attention whoring, but the writer portion of my brain loves nothing more than to have privacy and ideas that I keep, solely, to myself. So, until I figure myself out, we're just going to have to go with the flow, I suppose. Over my winter break, The Flow didn't feel like blogging. Now It does.
Why I'm Glad I'm Glad I Wasn't Blogging:
--I feel really good, guys. It's like, for the time being, things are naturally working themselves out. I have good control over my relationships and my schoolwork and my emotions, and every life event appears to be happening for a reason. It's a good spell, and I'm not feeling regretful about a whole lot, so I can't help but think there was some kind of fateful reason why I didn't feel like writing for the last two months. Call me crazy. (No, seriously. You have my permission to call me crazy in the comments, because I just reread that paragraph, and I sound like one of those loopy existentialist English teachers that deck their classrooms out in dream-catchers and tell you to "feel your fate." I guess this is foreshadowing for my inevitable future career of owning several cats and painting my face with glue while I grade papers. I already dress like an English teacher, anyway.)
Why I'm Glad to be Back:
--It makes me feel... I don't know, validated? It makes me feel validated when I hear from readers who legitimately look forward to learning about my non-adventures. I've received countless heartwarming messages recently from people who wanted to make sure I'm okay and urge me to write. That's ridiculous. I'm so lucky and blessed and grateful.
I'm sorry that I disappeared with no warning, and I'll try to be more diligent about keeping you informed. You're loyal and sweet enough that I owe that to you. Until then, though... I think I'm back!
Sexy: Ben Folds. I've had this song in my head all day, and it's not annoying me yet.
Unsexy: Honestly, I've been sitting here for a full two minutes, trying to think of something worthy of complaining about. I'm so happy. I've got nothin'. Too bad, right?
Chipotle burritos this year: 1
Nail color: A dark grayish brown by OPI
Bye, guys! Hopefully I'll see you... soon. Hahaha. <3