Shake Dat Ass

I am positively drenched in sweat. So much so that sitting on the edge of my bed right now feels like a health code violation. I want desperately to be in the shower, singing Moaning Myrtles songs and scrubbing remnants of my three-mile run off with a loofah, so excuse the rushed tone of this post. I just wanted to get something off my chest.*

Remember last month, when I recounted a tale from my day in which a group of idiot guys harassed me on the street corner? A similar thing happened tonight, but where I'd been slightly off-put the other week, I am flat-out angry this time around.

I was walking to the gym, and while I used a crosswalk in front of an idling car, the three moronic college guys inside took it upon themselves to make me feel as awkward as possible in the span of about thirty seconds. One yelled, "Hey girl, what's up?" while another advised me to "shake dat ass." Harmless enough. Almost flattering, even. But then the remaining boy shouted... something else... which I've just typed and then erased. It wasn't the most vile thing I've ever heard, but I don't really feel comfortable repeating it verbatim. Basically, it was a graphic sexual remark that went a little beyond silly catcalling, to the point that I was embarrassed. I felt that odd nervous sinking feeling in my chest, muttered "Classy" under my breath, and looked around to see if anyone else on the sidewalk had been listening. One guy made eye contact with me but then immediately began speaking Spanish to his friend, so I don't think strangers really witnessed my uncomfortable encounter. Still, I had those inevitable split-second thoughts: Is everyone staring at my body now? Should I not be walking even this short semi-public distance alone after dark? There were three of them and I weigh 125 pounds; if they wanted to cause harm to me, they could.

There were plenty of people within earshot (including an entire beach volleyball game), and the car drove away before I could even see their faces, so there wasn't any realistic physical threat being made to me. But nevertheless, I had to feel uncomfortable for that moment, and I didn't do a single thing to deserve it!

You might wonder why I'm even bothering to tell this story, since I posted a similar one recently, and these sorts of things happen to most women at one time or another. Well, that's precisely why I feel compelled to say something. If we keep treating incidents like this as if they're all the same, all just a part of life, you know, "boys will be boys," we're indirectly allowing these moments to keep happening. I'm not just going to brush it off and continue with my day when those boys caused me a kind of nervousness that I will never be able to cause them. It's unfair, it's bullshit, and it's not okay. Who's with me?!

*Deep breath.* And now I shower.


Chipotle burritos this year: 8
Subscribers: 49,691
Nail color: "Through the Grapevine," Wet n Wild
Miles run today: 3

*Lol. I said "Get something off my chest" in the figurative sense, right after expressing the desire to literally get sweat off my chest. ...Lol.

10 Things I Love About My Mom

In the spirit of Mother's Day, ten things I love about my mom:

1. She taught me to strive for natural and inner beauty by placing more importance on my brain, heart and relationships than on my hair, makeup and clothes.
2. She's an incredibly giving, supportive and unselfish wife, providing me with a positive example of a healthy, working marriage.
3. On numerous occasions, she's driven several hours out of state to support my erratic lifestyle. Picking me up from Niagara Falls so I wouldn't miss the Deathly Hallows release, taking me to Michigan to meet a favorite author, driving me halfway to the long-distance boyfriend's house... my mom goes way beyond the call of duty. Especially for such a horrible driver.
4. Her lasagna is amazing.
5. She's selflessly devoted the vast majority of her life to taking care of (and worrying endlessly about) myself and my siblings.
6. Even though we harass her about it, I love how she is still utterly incapable of telling a joke without cracking up before she can reveal the punchline.
   
7. She allows me (encourages me, even) to blow thousands upon thousands of dollars on a Creative Writing degree, to wear costumes on the internet, and to invite people from around the world to sleep in our guest room.
   
8. Her kindness, open-mindedness, sensitivity and pure intentions always come to mind when I'm tempted to judge another person.
9. The woman can totally rock a cardigan.
10. I know for sure that there is nothing I could do, say, or be that would change the way she loves me.

Whether you have a mother, are a mother, or just know and love one somewhere, I hope you have a lovely Mother's Day!


Chipotle burritos this year: 8
Subscribers: 49,571
Nail color: Bare
Miles run today: 1

P.S. Two new videos since my last post! Check them out here and here.

Sloppy "Drunk" Goodbye

Leave it to me to have a perfect posting record for the entirety of BEDA... and then fall asleep on the couch watching MacGyrver (hottie, btw) and not manage to get anything up on the second-to-last day. To make up for yesterday, here. The Situation and I went for a hike around some beautiful waterfalls, and now you can pretend you were there. Put it in your scrapbook, tell all your friends. Or, like, don't.

Anyway, here we are. April 30th. I had a great time reading your comments, coming up with stupid jokes, and just interacting with you guys over the course of the month. I know I say this every year, but I'm going to put forth more effort to update regularly on non-BEDA months, too. Even when I have to dig and scrape for anyfreakingthing to say, I think it's beneficial for me to write something for an audience on a frequent basis. And, of course, there could not be a better audience than this one. So many of you stand by me even when you disagree with my opinions, so many of you laugh even when my jokes aren't funny, and every one of you contributes to making me feel great about myself... I know I sound sappy, but I am so, so, so sincerely grateful for this community. (I just reread this paragraph and it sort of sounds like the overly drunk girl at the party who's holding a glass of wine and keeps leaning into everybody and yelling things like, "No, no, listen to me! You're my best friend.") But believe me. I love you guys.

The winner of Thursday's haiku contest (although toastburntbread has pointed out that a true haiku is about nature, and therefore my post was written in senyru) has to be Aimee, whose poem made me laugh out loud:

Refrigerator
Stupid word, where is your D?
You are hard to spell.

Nice. But don't be distraught just because Aimee wins the nonexistent prize-- I was legitimately loving every second of that comment thread. All the rest of you get honorable mentions. Maybe we need to make haiku posts and comments a monthly holiday. I am a fan.

But you know what else I'm a fan of? Shoving food in my face. As soon as the credits of The Lion King are over, The Situation and I are going to tend to the situation of my hunger... situation. This reflective background music (while, granted, about lions) is sort of making me feel depressed about the fact that this is the last paragraph of BEDA. If I were that drunk wine girl at the party, now I'd be sobbing with running mascara dripping into my open mouth. It's been fun, guys. I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you later this week!


Chipotle burritos this year: 7
Subscribers: 49,228
Nail color: Bare
Miles run today: 0, but I played with sidewalk chalk?

Haiku 4 U

Very tired, guys
Not too tired to blog, but
Will just use haiku.

Long-distance boyfriend
Hanging with him this weekend
Leaving tomorrow.

Cold, rainy weather
Where he lives, but I do it
Willingly for love.

Sorry for making
You puke from my sappiness.
Please forgive my spew.

Wiped out from writing
A very long short story
For class on Gay Lit.

It is difficult
And it's gay. Like Santana.
Last Glee joke ever.

My story is fun
But stressing me majorly
Maybe I'll post it.

Must go fall asleep
With mouth open on pillow.
Art is tiring.

(That may not be true
But if we say so often,
They'll call it a job.)

If you have comments
There is one rule to follow:
Write them in haiku.

Five syllables then
Seven syllables and then
End with five again.

Don't care what about
But the funniest one wins
Invisible prize.

(The prize is not real.)
Parentheticals in poems
Amuse me too much.

Four minutes till twelve
Looks like we made it on time.
I must say goodnight.

I hope your day is
Lovely and I'll see you guys
Tomorrow! Pizza.


Chipotle burritos this year: 8 (I tried to round down and people asked how I lost half a burrito, so we're rounding up.)
Subscribers: 49,165
Nail color: Bare
Miles run today: -3 (+one cake)

5 Amusing Things

Five things to amuse you tonight:

1. Bread turtle. I found this little guy somewhere on the internet (sorry, original creator-- I don't know who to credit) and thought you needed to see him.

2. The first trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 was released today. It's up to you whether or not you're ready to watch it, but I'm interested to hear your thoughts if you've seen it!

3. A picture of me at, what, five years old? Compliments of my mother. Enjoy.

4. I heard today that, apparently, ten people are killed each year by vending machines? I have absolutely no confidence that this is real, but I still appreciate the fact that someone made the rumor up. I hope none of you have been personally affected by vending machine massacres. My thoughts are with your family.

5. An old favorite video. Try not to be overcome with adoration for the adorable.

I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!


Chipotle burritos this year: 7
Subscribers: 49,132
Nail color: Rainbow

I like your boobs!

Today, I was sexually harassed while leaving Women's Studies.

I was walking back to my building, frumpily donning an unbuttoned rain coat, holding a Chipotle bag in one hand and cup of water in the other, when I overheard a group of college-age boys laughing and hooting from the street corner. "Dude, does your mom know you're a virgin?" one asked, with much tact and class. Called one of his partners-in-buffoonery, "Try your luck with this girl." As I approached their group (conveniently located right next to the crosswalk), a freckled boy walked up to me, laughing. I looked at him uneasily and through his chuckles, he said, "Do you want to have sex with me?"

Right on time, I get a Do Not Walk symbol. Sighing, I looked back at the idiot and responded with a firm "No." A chorus of hysterical laughter broke out among his cohorts. One of the aggressors who suggested this game then yelled, "Try harder! Tell her she's sexy!" and for good measure, another friend shouted, "Yeah, tell her she's sexy!"

He obliged, I groaned in disgust, and I was finally able to cross the street. However, as I walked away to the sounds of whistles, indistinguishable yelling, and "Tell her you like her boobs!"; "I LIKE YOUR BOOBS!" I sort of wanted to vomit.

Tell me, how is this okay? True, nobody tried to touch me, and by college standards "they were just joking," but why should I have to feel uncomfortable and self-conscious at the hand of insecure twenty-something-year-old imbeciles? How can someone graduate middle school without a basic sense of what you can and cannot say to random strangers by the crosswalk?

I'm not posting this for pity-- nothing really happened, and if it weren't for the fact that I'm typing the story up now, I would forget all about it by Thursday-- but I just felt compelled to show a little civil disobedience towards an aspect of society that doesn't work for me. I didn't risk my hand at chewing out that group of guys right there in public, but I'm making my voice heard now:

It is unacceptable for anyone-- man, boy, or even other female-- to harass a girl or woman about her body or sexuality for any reason whatsoever. I don't care if it's a joke, if it isn't meant to be overheard, if it's in private... it is never okay.

So, freckly faced guy with the crappy friends, if you're reading this (you are not), I hope you can at least sleep well tonight knowing that, so long as you keep up the good work, nobody is going to be clamoring for that virginity of yours anytime soon. Grow a backbone, find some new friends, and, oh, you're disgusting.

Sincerely, The Badass Behind the Boobs


Chipotle burritos this year: 7.5
Subscribers: 49,078
Nail color: Rainbow (one color per finger)
Miles run today: 2

P.S. Nelamonster: raspberry with cranberry.

Giving In, Nomming

So here's the deal, kids. I'm hungry. I have a pounding headache. For twenty-five days, I have proven that I am capable of forsaking my one true love in this world, when all it's ever done is comfort and support me. Through experimentation, I can conclude that I do not have any milk allergies. Through this project, I have exhibited astounding self-control. By the power vested in twitter, I am about to eat some godforsaken pizza.

That's right-- the Dairy-Free Tribulations of April are coming to a close five days early. I put it to a vote on my twitter account, and within the first two minutes, I received over seventy responses-- about sixty-five of them encouraging me to throw in the towel and throw down the mozzarella. I know it sounds wimpy to some of you, but here are my excuses:

1. The goal of this challenge was to see how dairy affects me. I discovered early on that, since I don't feel MIRACULOUSLY DIFFERENT or anything, my body probably doesn't have any problems with milk products. I doubt the next five days will reveal to me a nagging allergy that went unnoticed the rest of my life.
2. I've successfully weened myself off my cheese addiction. I had your permission to eat whatever I wanted on Easter Sunday (so as not to be rude to those who prepared the meal) and when I had a plate of cheese offered to me, I didn't want any. That's right. I am now capable of saying no to cheese, so there's no harm in saying yes occasionally. Giving up early is not so much a failure as it is the beginning of a life of moderation.
3. I'm going to The Situation's house this weekend and I refuse to be the guest who only nibbles on a lettuce leaf. And if my boyfriend-- the one I haven't seen in weeks-- wants to buy couples' brownie sundaes? I am eating a brownie sundae.
   
4. I find vegan and dairy-free diets very admirable, but it looks like it's not my thing. I've been a vegetarian my whole life, so it's not like I'm refusing to stand up for my beliefs. I am perfectly okay with abstaining from creamy salad dressing, milk chocolate, and most ice cream. Having pizza when I'm DYING FOR PIZZA is not a crime.
5. I want to.
   

So that's that. I'll be documenting my rebirth as a lactarian on annoyinghayley, and promise to give you every delightful detail. I hope you all have a lovely day (I am extremely confident that I will!) and I'll see you guys tomorrow!


Chipotle burritos this year: 6.5
Subscribers: 49,034
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: 0. Headache, remember?