Saturday, October 24, 2009

Pig Roast, Hypnotism, Paranormal Activity

This morning, my sister and I drove out to West Virginia to meet up with the rest of my family at my uncle's house. There were a lot of hugs exchanged, a lot of loud, obnoxious stories told to catch up with my aunt and one of my cousins, and, of course, a lot of pie. Oh yeah... and a hundred-pound slaughtered hog, sodomized by a metal pole and rotating slowly on a spit.

What can I say? We're a little bit country. As a vegetarian, you'd think this practice would gross me out, but for some reason, I don't have any qualms about watching a carcass leak watery blood onto a grill. I laughed uncontrollably watching my sister scream and flail as my brother threw the pig's tongue at her. My dad, uncle and brother barbarically sawed off chunks of hide, wiped the knives on their bloody aprons, and licked the organ juice off their fingers. And I, frankly, found it amusing. I mean, I'd rather eat insect excretion than gnaw on a slice of fresh jerky peeled from a mammal with eyes and teeth still intact, but I find the practice itself kind of pleasantly homey. We may be slightly trashy, but at least we've got identity. Hael yeahuh, ya'll.

Anyway, last night was really fun, too. I went to this free indoor pre-Halloween fest with Heather, my roommate, Katie and Kelsey from down the hall, Heather's boyfriend, and Heather's boyfriend's roommate. We were first in line to see a hypnotist perform, and spent the next hour and a half listening to a strange little man with a thick Bostonian accent tell us we were getting sleepy-- very sleepy. I volunteered to have my mind controlled, and admittedly, I did start to doze off after ten minutes of calming music and being told to imagine myself lying in the grass on a summer day. And I tried to stick it out, but somewhere around the fifteen-minute mark, I couldn't stop thinking about how uncomfortable it was to close my eyes and let my head hang in front of a crowd of strangers, and my shoulders started to shake from my desperate efforts to suppress my giggles. "Hayley's laughing," I heard Roomie say. "Look-- she's laughing." I lost it, and was nudged to return to the audience. Hahahahaha. Story of my life.

The audience ended up proving itself the place to be, though, because it was extraordinarily entertaining to watch Heather's boyfriend, Johnny, valiantly keep a straight face while he belly danced, pretending to be in a trance. Katie, however, claims to have been legitimately hypnotized, and after my many attempts to catch her in the joke, still denies that she had any control over herself. I'm a skeptic, of course, but at the same time? Katie's quite the giggler, and her lips didn't even perk up while she threw her hands in the air and "rode a roller coaster," and she seemed genuinely like she was sleepwalking while she waltzed with the girl next to her. I guess the mystery of the legitimacy of hypnotism is another case that remains, presently, unsolved.

After the show, the boys left, and the girls-- including Erin this time-- saw Paranormal Activity together. Heather and I drove the other viewers crazy by analyzing the movie's cinematography, pointing out the inconsistencies in the plot, and making fun of the whole mockumentary style in general. "Oh my gosh, we're all gonna die? Oh no! Just let me adjust the lighting and sound on this camera and haul it on my shoulder as we run away!"

While I'm not going to tell you that it was terrible, since most of the other girls were scared at least once, the whole thing just felt like a halfhearted flop onto the lonelygirl15 bandwagon. The film's entire appeal is in the fact that it feels "real," and I think youtube ruined that for me. I may not know a whole lot about professional screen-acting, but I consider myself an expert on how real people act in front of portable video cameras. And sorry, guys, but Paranormal Activity doesn't really get it. Besides, startles and white noise don't creep me out, and every jabbing attempt at a scary plot was short-lived and unresolved. Booo-ring.

So that's all I've really got for you tonight. I hate to be that blogger who constantly apologizes for a lack of updates but makes little effort to solve the problem, but I mean it when I say I'm going to stop taking off more than one day in a row. It may get harder as NaNoWriMo takes off, but I will prevail. Because I'm Hayley G. Hoover. Bitch.

Sexy: Microwaved cookie dough. I don't care if you think it's gross-- it's better than cookies and raw dough combined. My domestic side comes out whenever the population of our dorm room exceeds its usual four people, and so the other day, I entertained a large group with tea mugs full of dough, and we sat around, eating it with spoons. This is college.
Unsexy: The fact that our ceiling light keeps flashing and refuses to stay on. We've tried over and over again, and we've spoken encouraging, soothing words to our ghost, whom Katie named Night Hawk, urging him to stop playing around. "No luck so far," Hayley said, as she blogged by lamplight and wished she could see past her laptop screen.

Chipotle burritos this year: 33
Bagel Street visits this school year: 4
Subscribers: 21,195

Bye, guys! Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow. <3


allison said...

Nanowrimo! :O
:delivers microwaved cookie dough:

I was at a state fair where I watched pigs being showcased, ate chicken on a stick, and watched people being hypnotized. It took until the hypnotist "made" two people deliver the baby this MAN was giving birth to before my family left. Go homey-ness!

Anonymous said...

College is cool that way. :D Whenever I get bored of being in my room I go into our section lounge and bake something. Then people eat it for me. It is awesome.

WriMo in one week... *jitters*

Go look at the NerdfighterWriMo thread in the forums. Because we need to have 100% participation there to show our colors. ;) I'm Elithia and I am SO EXCITED.

(that sounds like an ad or something....)

A.J. James said...

I know how hard it is too update you blog with a regular scheduled posting but I would again like to say how I enjoy each and everyone of them...

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Pork barbecues (or "Pig Pickin's, as we call them in classy, classy eastern North Carolina) are beyond disgusting. Your second paragraph made me gag a little.

I forgive you, though. And I am sorry that I am so sassy.

Ravenclaw2313 said...

No worries about the constant updates. I'm happy to hear from you when I hear from you. As far as hypnotism goes I think it's legit, at least it works on some people. I've seen a friend admit to a secret crush on Jessica Biel that would be denied adamantly without hypnosis. I've also seen a guy make out with a microphone and the quietest politest girl I know scream obscenities (she was really really embarrassed afterward).

*goes to microwave cookie dough*

Margaret said...

The billboard where Paranormal Activity is playing in Seattle says the following on one side:

in bed

and this on the other side:

Who ya gonna tweet?

So, you know. Can't really take THAT seriously.

Marlena said...

I should comment on something of substance, considering I so rarely comment, but...
microwaved cookie dough? I'm intrigued. And definitely not in a bad way. In an "I need to get my hands on some of that asap" way.

Holly said...

I just got back from seeing Julie and Julia with my parents(I only tagged along for the free dinner and my faint memory that you'd enjoyed the movie) and I have to say it was pretty good. It made me thankful for the internet and how, even though I've never talked to you or Kristina(whose blog I also read), I feel as though I know you two. You say that writing your blog is a therapeutic task, and that's kind of how it is for me to read it. So, thanks. :)

Scott said...

I once came home to my Dad and brother skinning a deer in my driveway. In their defence, we do live on a plot of land in the countryside of rural western Canada... Being a vegetarian, I should've been appalled. But there was something about it which was so incredibly them which made it tolerable to watch. I see where you're coming from. XD

loveacrosstheocean said...

That's disappointing about Paranormal Activity. You'd think it'd be A LOT better considering all the hype its received and the fact that it's STILL a trending topic on twitter.
You've also managed to make me desperately want to try microwaved cookie dough. omnomnomnom.

loveacrosstheocean said...

Also, HAEL YEAHUH, Y'ALL at the news that we get to hear from you more often! whooooo : )

Lindsey said...

The other day, my college had what was basically a late night rally, and I somehow ended up with a free Chipotle burrito. I really wanted to give it to you (or John Noe) but this other girl asked first :(

Valerie said...

Don't worry, my family reunions are like that too.

And the random college food thing made think about this morning at church. My youth group made care packages for college freshman that went to our church. They largely consisted of candy, hot cocoa mix, insane amounts of goldfish, and random things from the dollar section at Target (mini Star Wars dry erase board!).

kira902k said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kira902k said...

You make me smile.


kalimagination said...

Two things I feel I need to say that are unrelated to your blog post:
A. I had a Chipotle burrito for the first time ever this weekend. It was every bit as amazing as you've said they are.
B. I read Sloppy Firsts, which ALSO is as amazing as you said it is.

Thank you for introducing me to fantastic things, Hayley.

traderbob11 said...

I was hypnotized once, by YOU!

aww, Hayley

And stuff staring back at me when I'm eating it, I hate that.

See ya

Maria said...

I'm freaking out about NaNo... last year I failed pretty pathetically. This year shall be different! I WILL PREVAIL! AHAHAHA!
... Sorry.
Argh, you make college sound so brilliant. I remember an episode of Mythbusters that had to do with hypnotism. The verdict: some people can be hypnotized but you cannot be made to do something that you don't want to do. That seemed to make sense, so I just go with that now... although I love the idea of it. Hope that you have more great homey times!

Anonymous said...

Is it wrong that reading the last paragraph of this blog post on Tuesday makes me laugh?

Kaitlyn w/ a K said...

I've never microwaved cookie dough, but today my roommate made some of those break 'n bake cookies in our toaster oven. It was bliss.

Katie said...

Hayley! I had a dream last night that you were selling HGH shirts at Hot Topic, and we had a conversation about how FRED's shirt sales were going to plummit since they were sellings yours now.

It was strange.
And I think I'm going to give that microwaved cookie dough thing a try. I've never heard of it.

allysonkate said...

While this has nothing to do with this particular blog post, i needed to contact you somehow to thank for for mentioning Robert's Rules of Writing in one of your blogs about packing for college!
I picked it up in light of NaNoWriMo and am thoroughly enjoying it and learning from it! It's fantastic!

Kelly said...

Hayley, I found this and thought it was of vital importance for you to read this.
Kind Wishes,
Today, while eating lunch at Chipotle, I saw a woman walk out eating a burrito with both hands. She suddenly stopped and had a look of terror on her face and ran back inside. She walked outside again a minute later, but this time she had a baby stroller with her. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who loves Chipotle that much. MLIA.

Erica Sands said...

yay nanowrimo!! *adds hayleyghoover as buddy*

JoshV said...

Two things to point out:

1) Those orange/cinnamon rolls you get in the milk section are microwavable. Three minutes is the magic number. Please take them out of the container first so you dont blow yourself up.

2) I just read your tweet, and my spooneristic mind (NEW WORD!!) read "Smell tart girls how hot they are". can I e-smell you?