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Monday, September 3, 2012

Pits and Parkas

Depression is the shittiest shit monster made of shit. It makes me write sentences like that one. It makes me write nothing else, at all, for days. The only natural cure for this feeling-- where it's like you've fallen into an extremely deep pit, and any attempt to crawl out just jostles more dirt into your face-- is to do your best to ignore that face-dirt, power through, and pull yourself out. That's what this melodramatic analogy is for. If I don't write a little bit of nonsense, I'll continue not writing anything at all. So get out of my way, face-dirt! I've got a blog to update!

I hate nothing more (short of, like, the supervolcano) than being a massive downer. I get my energy from being around positive people, I feel like one of my strengths is maintaining a certain level of optimism during debates, I genuinely enjoy the musical stylings of Ke$ha. It kind of disturbs me that a catchphrase of my generation is "I hate everybody," and when I'm in that place where I'm more happy than not-- more grateful than disappointed-- I find it difficult to be around people who disagree. Because of all this, it's mega hard for me to answer "How are you doing?" with anything other than "Good!" I don't want to be the sad one. I don't want to be that introspective emo chick in the coffee shop, wearing enough eyeliner that you can see her misery drip down her face. I don't want to be a drain or a bother or an Eeyore or a supervolcano. I just wish the energy and excitement for life that I definitely do have... came out of me with less effort. Maybe a better analogy than the pit of dirt would be a parka? Or something? It's me under the coat, completely alive, completely normal, but it's zipped up too tightly for me to get it off, and I can't get any work done because I'm sweating to death under the weight of this totally unnecessary layer. I can talk about all the stuff I have to get done, but I can't actually move.

I have just pages of video ideas on my desk right now, and I haven't been able to post anything for over a month. The creativity isn't an issue, but the creativity might as well not exist without the followthrough. I've found myself sitting still, doing nothing at all besides glancing half-heartedly at my twitter feed, saying out loud, "Today. You're filming that today. You're finishing those edits in half an hour. Twenty minutes. Now. You're writing that paper, you're going for that run, you're calling that friend. Get up!" And I just can't. The parka's too tight, the pit's too deep, whatever. It's the absolute shittiest feeling in the world.

I guess it's a step in the right direction, though, to be able to write this feeling down. It's taking longer than it ought to, yeah, and I'll be embarrassed and flighty if anyone in my day-to-day life tries to talk to me about it, of course, but at least I'm getting something finished. I apologize if I've made you uncomfortable or sad, guys. But, as always, I'm so, so, so entirely thankful that you're here to listen. I hope you have a lovely day, and that any pits or parkas you're aquatinted with don't get a good grip on you.

P.S. If depressed, I do not recommend clicking that link about the supervolcano. It was a bad decision to include that one. Just watch today's Answerly video about bagels instead. Or listen to Ke$ha.

279 comments:

1 – 200 of 279   Newer›   Newest»
Maggie said...

I genuinely hope you feel better soon. Though i generally dislike them, this warrants a emoticon heart. or several. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

anna said...

As always it's nice to see that I'm not the only one feeling those strange and awful things. Not that I "know" how you feel exactly or whatever but at least I know I'm not the only one who just can't seem to do things sometimes or can't talk about all the crap that makes life suck and makes everything seem sad.

I like the parka analogy a lot. I'd offer my own bit of wisdom on the subject but if I had any I wouldn't be feeling craptastic myself.

AmyK7 said...

I love you. I agree with the first sentence, but you are brilliant and everyone freaking deserves to be happy and I hope you manage to zip yourself out of the coat soon. I'm positive you will, Hayley.(though I know it sucks to just hear that. I'm sorry.) Your new answerly video was really great!! Bagels are the best.

Stefan said...

forever internet high fiving you.

Anonymous said...

I've been pretty down myself in the past few weeks, Hayley. I'm always the joyful person in every group and being sad just don't fits me at all(thank god!).
I really really hope you post a new video soon because watching your nonsense just brightens up my day, anytime. You're just THAT awesome, believe me.

A hug from Portugal!
Beatriz



Sidsel said...

Hayley, sounds like you need to accept that you're not getting all you need to do done right now. How about finding Sloppy Firsts on the shelf, make a cup of tea, and embrace escapism until you feel like going out the door? I've been on Hawaii for a week now, all the way from Denmark, and while not at all depressed, it's all very new. I'm studying here until Christmas, and what keeps me happy right now is the familiarity of the Jessica Darling-serie (which you introduced me to back in the day by the way, for which I am eternally grateful).

Ruth E. Day said...

Thanks for writing this. I've been feeling like this a lot lately, too. I tend to get really down on myself for feeling this way because, objectively, I know my life really isn't all that bad. It's nice to know someone I admire has days like this, too. Of course, I hope you feel better soon. This just helped me to not feel so bad about myself.

Eva said...

You're not the only one who struggles with these feelings. I completely understand what you're saying and I just really hope you'll feel better soon. <3

Anonymous said...

I've been feeling the same way lately, too. I don't really know what to say about it, but this post really helped me; I feel the same way as you do about a lot of things.

Sam said...

Here I was today, scrolling through tumblr trying to avoid the exact feeling you've just described, and up pops a little link to your blog post. As insincere and irritating as it must sound, I absolutely, absolutely understand what you're feeling here. I never want to be the sad one. I try to keep going and just keep on keeping on, because I don't want to be that person that people associate with sad, and I don't want to let this feeling define me.

Internet stranger to internet stranger, I really do hope that you find your way out of the pit/parka, because it's immensely stifling, having ideas and wanting to just let loose and love things and enjoy life, and feeling pinned down and immobilized by this persistent weight. I hope you find some of that more natural enthusiasm again.

And while I'm only a stranger, if you ever feel the need to talk or grumble or just whine about the feeling, I'm happy to listen and grumble back or whatever helps. Even if it's just a free pass to blog more about this, if you need to, you'll never be annoying for letting this out.

Have a lovely day.

Rebecca said...

I'm so sad that you are sad. I pray that you will escape that parka and put of a Harry Potter shirt and climb out of the pit and steal a Ford Angelina and fly somewhere nice.:)

Anonymous said...

Hey Hayley, I totally sympathize with what you're expressing. I highly recommend this podcast (don't get scared away by the name - it's seriously awesome) at mentalpod.com. Feel better. You're awesome!

DefCon5 said...

You can do it, Hayley! For positive people, depression always passes eventually. I know that doesn't help, but I know from experience. My last February was just awful; I was overwhelmed by everything and then disappointed and sad about everything. I had commitments that I had to keep, and finally, one day it was like flipping a switch and I felt like myself again. It takes time and acknowledging the feeling is an important step. I know that it doesn't necessarily help to hear cliches like "this too shall pass" because what you're feeling is genuine and legitimate, but I just want you to know that there are people cheering for you.

Kacie Galyon said...

I recently got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was scared to death of taking pills. So, I looked to God, I mean... Google, and found that eating a baked potato before bed - skin especially - can really help your mood as your body is absorbing the nutrients while you sleep. It sounded crazy to me, especially since one of the side affects is crazy dreams, but I thought I'd give it a try.

2 months later, I am having the craziest most vivid dreams ever, but it has TOTALLY helped. (That plus therapy.) Here's some info I found helpful, in case you'd like to check it out.
http://www.radiantrecovery.com/4r.htm

DFTBA, Hayley. I hope you get better soon!

papertowns said...

This may sound weird or insensitive, but there's something I really appreciate about this post. It has a genuine quality to it. People who act positive all the time often come off as false - not everyone is happy at every moment, and it's foolish to pretend otherwise. Being open about notsome emotions is a good thing.

That being said, I hope you feel better soon, Hayley.

Elisabeth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Elisabeth said...

you're the best.

also,
"pitch the parka in the pit" would be an excellent tongue twister.

jenibo.com said...

Hayley G. Hoover really is my hero even when she is sad.

Erin said...

Dude, you're in your early twenties. It's totally acceptable to be like this right now. I don't know how many young, college-goers I hear that mention depression and lack of motivation to do anything. I haven't been updating my videos, either. I wish it were like the old days where we could just turn on our shitty webcams and upload something we didn't even feel like editing.

Lindsey said...

Ahh Hayley I am sorry that you have donned the parka of sadness. I am - and probably, like, hundreds of other people are too - sending happy thoughts in your direction. I hope you can feel them and that they give you at least a tingle.

Emma said...

I think most of us will agree that we really genuinely don't mind at all if you express what you're feeling. I have the ability to separate what you're feeling from what I'm feeling, so don't worry about being Eeyore because it's not a problem. But I hope you feel better soon, because I've been there and it really sucks.

Lindsey said...

I also have periods of feeling this way, unfortunately as you have said the only cure is doing something! Some days I find I have to start my day immediately, as soon as I wake up or all will be lost to procrastination.

Therefore some handy cures:

1) Run first thing (Or equivalent, I personally go kayaking).

2) Get a job/volunteer, do something, anything that involves getting out of bed in the morning, it makes you appreciate the time you have left to do the things you love on free days

3) Make sure to fulfill at least one target each day, even if it's bake cookies and then eat cookies. At least at the end of the day you can say you did something.

4) There are people out there the feel the same, I feel strangely satisfied knowing that I'm not the depressed one out there because it can get real lonely.

Thea said...

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down. I admire your ability to still feel like YOU under that parka, even in the midst of depression. I've dealt with depression, and I think my melodramatic depression analogy for how it affects my life is that it's like a really, really good black and white photograph - I can everything that's bleak and sad, from mass shootings to mateless socks, in exquisite detail, but I can't seem to find a way to see anything beyond the edges of the photograph. Ha, my poetry professor would probably eat me alive for going for such an "obvious" analogy.

Anyway, enough about me... since you're a creative writer, try and look at it this way. As much as you hate being "the sad one," having down periods might make a character flawed or vulnerable, but it also makes him/her that much more likable... not that you aren't likable when you're more positive and happy, but like John Green wrote in Paper Towns, "When did we see each other face-to-face? Not until you saw into the cracks and I into yours?" Try to see it as giving your friends a chance to know yourself more complexly. Being upbeat, positive Hayley most of the time doesn't make you that person all of the time anymore than fighting depression from time to time turns you in someone into a person who spends all her time sitting in coffee shops crying.

I know I don't know you, anymore than what you've chosen to share with the Intenet, so I'm sorry if I'm way off base on what I'm saying. But from what you've said in past blog posts, you've dealt with depression before - and you've managed to come out of it. So try and remember, if you've unzipped the parka before, you can do it again!

sterff1face said...

Although I can't say I understand, I hope you feel better, sooner rather than later. =)

DreamerRealist said...

Hayley, you are a genuinely wonderful person. You are absolutely capable of taking a pair of scissors and cutting that parka off with much force. I hope your sadness goes away soon. It *is* the worst feeling to know you're not yourself but feel helpless to change it, even if it does eventually end.

madhu~ said...

I guess I get in the pit & parkas mood. My way to get out of it is to clear my schedule for a whole day. Just stay in, wake up at my leisure and start to do work. For some reason I don't feel stressed or pressured because I literally have NOTHING ELSE TO DO besides my work. And I have all day to do it!

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Anonymous said...

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com.au/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html you may have already seen this but its excellent. i hope it brightens your day a tad and kudos for writing something

Sarah with an H said...

Hey, Hayley, I'm a longtime reader who ashamedly never comments. :( While no one can ever know exactly how someone else feels, I've have been in and out of a similar state for a long time, and the only thing I can say is that you deserve to treat yourself better. Look at you! You're trying! It's great! So keep on trying you beautiful thing.
:)

Promise to comment more. Pinky swear.

Anonymous said...

It's okay to feel sad sometimes, Hayley. I have days like this too, but please just know that it'll all get better eventually. Here's a quote I love:

"Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, 'I'm not going to make it', but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way."

-Charles Bukowski

This tells me that we're human, we're resilient, and we move on. Thanks for being so amazing :)

Alexis said...

That paralyzed feeling. There's nothing worse...

Love love love you Hayley G.

Cal said...

When I was a kid I got a book about volcanoes from my mother. Sure, the pages were printed back to front, upside down. But ever since I've had a special interest in them. And they're pretty awesome.

Just think about it.
A volcano is just full of energy, Sure, some burst out with devastating effects. But as the dust settles the earth is enriched, the air is clean again and new life quickly flowers more colourful than ever!

Might not make you feel better, but now you know that you don't need to hate volcanoes, or at least that there's people around you that don't.

Kaitlyn w/ a K said...

You described my intermittent depression perfectly, AND you linked to my favorite Ke$ha jam. That's it; we're getting married.

Kara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kara said...

A suggestion for when you're feeling in the metaphorical pit: listen to the Mouse Rat classic "The Pit." I have yet to test if this is any good at improving the mood in such situations, but it seems worth a try. <3

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