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Thursday, September 13, 2012

Songs for Boyfriends Past

Today, while struggling more than any able-bodied adult human ever should to make a clay pot for my art class, I overheard an intriguing conversation. As water splashed off my pottery wheel, covering my arms in a layer of gray mud, two competent art students nearby discussed the new album one of them (presumably a singer-songwriter) is recording. "All the song titles," she told her friend, "are things I've always wanted to tell my old boyfriends." I was fascinated, in the way people who spend too much time on twitter and tumblr are always fascinated by the love lives of strangers, but didn't want to eavesdrop too much. The musician went on to list the track names for her friend, and I forced myself not to listen... but I did make out two of them: "I'm Completely Over It" and "Shut Up Already." Nice.

I tried to disguise my smile as a twisted-face look of concentration, and in taking my mind momentarily off the slippery monstrosity before me, I flattened my pot into a lopsided disaster. It was okay, though, because my brain had moved on to better things. If I were to write songs for all my former significant others, what would I call them? After some thought, I came up with the following:

NOW! That's What I Call Irritating (Volume 1)
1. I'll Never Stop Hating Your Oasis CD
2. Ugh
3. We're Very Impressed By Your Atheism (Talk About Something Else)
4. Making Out During That '70s Show
5. Bored! at the DnD Game
6. Is There a Subreddit That Can Teach You Social Skills?
7. I Think My Dad Hates You
8. I Told You That In Confidence (Don't Repeat It At This Party)
9. Your New Piercing
10. My Dad Definitely Hates You
11. Let's Just Watch Wishbone and Eat Chips
12. Ugh (reprise)

So what would yours be? This game doesn't discriminate against those who rock their singlehood-- you can make a track list for former crushes or flings or celebrity obsessions, too. If you want to play along, leave a comment with your list of song titles, and maybe I'll announce my favorite entry next time? All applicants win the invisible prize of my eternal love. And seventy invisible cookies.

Okay, I have to go scrub hunks of dry clay off my legs. (Is it supposed to burn?) I hope you guys have a lovely evening!


P.S. I posted a new video on Sunday. It's ridiculous.

130 comments:

awfullotofrunning said...

My love-life has been fairly limited so far in my life but I have three.

1. C'mon dude, we were like 12
2. I guess I was never your friend (just that girl you wanted to date)
3. You really shouldn't be that proud of your penis

aSammyG said...

Love this. Love love love this. And you.

Anonymous said...

[Perpetual Singleness]
Preamble: Experiments with Heterosexuality.
1. Badder Romance.
2. How are you "kind of" attracted to me?
3. "I'd date you if you were a girl"
4. I really hope this one isn't a Jehova's Witness, too.
5. No, but he is a Mormon.
6. The untold story of where the fuck you were for nearly four months.

Anna said...

(single most of the time but sort of not right now)
1) Make up your damn mind already.
2) Yeah, go ahead and stop talking to me.
3) I don't mind.
4) No, of course I don't like you.
5) I know you're scared of me because I'm smarter than you are.
6) "YOU'RE A GIRL?"
7) No, really, I don't.
8) My mum loves you.
9) No she doesn't.
10) Wait, yes she does.
11) Actually, she doesn't.
12) Never mind, false alarm, she does.
13) My best friend ships us.
14) I WANT TO BE ADORABLE.
15) Can you please stop trying to make me watch horror movies?
16) You're just making me hate you.
17) No, I'm not going to start liking you.
18) Just cause you party all the time doesn't make you cool.
19) Yes, I'm a nerd. Your point?
20) "He seems very fond of you." BUT NOT FOND ENOUGH TO JUST DATE ME ALREADY.

Felicity Hall said...

Couldn't not do mine!

http://felicityhall.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/songs-for-boyfriends-past.html

Essential R&B (Regret and Beer Goggles)

1. Bus Stop Kiss (Right Time Right Place)
2. Lemon Doesn't Make It Classy
3. Mumbling I Love You
4. Your Foreskin
5. I Don't Like James Bond Films
6. It's Okay, I Know You Had Sex With Her
7. Actually, It's Not Okay (feat Gerard Way)
8. First Choice Right Choice
9. Tabloid Scandal
10. Eat, Drink & Be Married

Marie said...

Always been single, but crushes:

1. You're too good to be true
2. Yup, I was right
3. The nicest guy ever (No really, every girl is special)
4. Shit Shit Shit (In love with a girl)
5. Stop flirting with me (Unless you mean it)
6. How did I get in your bed?
7. Thanks for the Rejection
8. Tumblr is for Lovers
9. Distance is a bitch

Anonymous said...

1. Stop manipulating me
2. So glad we're done
3. As it turns out ( I don't like anime)
4. Good thing it was just a fling
5. Screw your rules
6. I am glad you think you are better than me
7. Turns out you are too weird for even me

Anonymous said...

Being Single's Really Not That Bad.

1. I need some lovin too
2. I'm choking on your Atheism (c'mon, you're not THAT big)
3. Why can't I meet your friends?
4. Why haven't I met your family?
5. Your best friend liked me first...
6. "I wanna change your world" (Let it burn remix)
7. Stairwell at Disneyworld
8. I slept with a racist.

Hidden bonus track:
9. He's racist against my people.

comelygrace said...

Alright, boyfriend by boyfriend, from age 14 to now (23).

1.) Illusions of Grandeur
2.) Good intentions, shit results
3.) Why did you think I would want you to hollow out a tree in the woods to make a boat for me
4.) Thanks, but no thanks
5.) Ode to the current boyf: "We aiight"

comelygrace said...

Oh but I forgot one:

So THAT'S What a Penis Looks Like

tumblenc said...

1. You Don't Need A Fake English Name (You Have Your Own Chinese One)
2. Stop Sweating Already
3. My Gay-ness Is Not Contagious
4. Biggest Flirt Ever
5. Thanks For Being A Dick (Even Though You Don't Have One)

Stefan said...

don't end an album with a reprise. Stick that in your next EP.

I was an art major but I skipped pottery because I took it in high school and knew how bad it was. I stuck to making websites.

for reasons my playlist would not be interesting.

Sarah said...

These are kind of out of order and not all about the same person, but...

1. Wherein "Watching a Movie" is a Euphemism For Making Out in Your Twin Bed
2. I Heard I Was One Third of the People You Got to Third Base With That Night
3. Sorry I Kept Looking Down Your Shirt in History Class
4. You're Really Fucking Obnoxious But I Keep You Around Because You're a Monster in the Sack
5. Engines Make Me Hot: Fucking During Firefly
6. You're Catholic, I'm Jewish, This Probably Won't Work Out
7. I Wish I'd Kissed You That Night on the Bridge
8. I Wish I'd Kissed You on Saint Patrick's Day When We Peed in Our High School's Parking Lot
9. I Wish I'd Kissed You That Night You Drew a Dinosaur on My Arm
10. I Wish I'd Kissed You Three Years Ago in Our English Teacher's Classroom When it Was Just the Two of Us and You Played Piano and We Talked About the Time You Tried to Snort Coke But Couldn't Because You Sneezed
11. I Wish I Hadn't Kissed You After I Beat You in Air Hockey
12. Please Get Your Tongue Out of My Throat You Slobbery Bastard
13. Seriously What the Fuck Are You Doing
14. Why Are You Pawing at My Boob, That Does Not Feel Good
15. Google "The Female Anatomy," I Think it Would Help You Out

Isabel Rae said...

Thanks to my interesting (weird) love life in elementary school:

1. I'll be your girlfriend if you leave me alone
2. I hated you anyway
3. I just pretended to like that band
4. An email (Really?)
5. Five years as a Singleton

Stefan said...

Also I would like "Your Foreskin" to never be a song ever. And "Why did you think I would want you to hollow out a tree in the woods to make a boat for me" to be a story in <3.

Anonymous said...

these represent my crushes but
1. wasted too many years
2. oops, he's a dick
3. glorious

Davis said...

The Sex Was OK (Deluxe Edition)

1. Straight Guy (pt. 1)
2. Three Years of Me Being Dumb
3. Blowjob in Japan
4. Convertibles Aren't Cool (Nor Designer Clothes)
5. I Just Liked the Idea
6. Let's Be Friends
7. Never Mind
8. Straight Guy (pt. 2)
9. Are You Seriously Stalking Me Right Now
10. Straight Guy (pt. 3)
11. May This Sandwich Never End (Bonus Track)

Emily said...

1)I'm allowed to be in a bad mood, so stop it.
2)OMG you're crying again?
3)You're not that good at baseball.
4)Or video games.
5)Or kissing.
6)Just... no.
7)New girlfriend after two days? Nice.
8)I feel sorry for her, but I'm glad it ain't me.
9)OMG you're crying again? (acoustic version)

Anonymous said...

Love how we're all snatching our moment to be Adele.

1. "I'd shag you" are not the three little words I always wanted to hear.
2. Yes you were my first kiss, you were also my worst.
3. I think we're better off as friends, too.
4. As far as I care, you no longer exist to me.
5. Having a psychology degree does not mean you can read my mind.
6. I DO NOT SPEAK INCORRECTLY, YOU ARE JUST POSH.

Christina said...

I'm Single and I know It

1. You're a Jerk (Everybody knew it but me.)
2. Best Friends
3. Full of your self, also shit.
4. U put the U in Unrequited
5. I like you, you liked me, never at the same time.
6. me myself & mr. darcy.

Anonymous said...

1. I only want you for your pokemon cards
2. You are actually an awesome cheerleader
3. I like watching Doctor Who with you
5. Your dad is a latin teacher

Anonymous said...

Christina's 6. me myself and mr. darcy! That's brilliant!

Mindy said...

It's an EP entitled It's A Wonder You're Still Single (Esp. Since You Just Bought New Anti-Frizz Serum)

The kickstarter was a success, I asked for $10 so I could efficiently fund the comfort food I had to purchase for myself from Taco Villa each time I completed a track.

1. Not Enough Deodorant in the World
2. If You Call Me "Baby" One More Time, I Will Make It My Personal Mission To Ensure You Will Never Be Able to Make One
3. Stop Talking Forever
4. Long Distance (or: Skype Sex is a Privilege, Not a Right)
5. Is Pathological Lying Listed in Your Languages on Facebook

Stacie said...

My Life in Fictional Men (And the Occasional Real One)
1. We're Just Friends
2. Legolas Shoot Me With Your Bow
3. It's Not Weird He Also Played a Pirate
4. Even My Dad Now Knows Who Ron Weasley Is
5. I Only Talked To You Because My Friend Left For a Cigarette
6. Please Stop Trying to Hold My Hand
7. Oh God We're Holding Hands
8. Please Let Go of My Hand
9. The Avengers Would Be Better if You Weren't Holding My Hand
10. I'm Not Ready For a Relationship Right Now

**Bonus Track: I Was Lying in Track 10 I Just Don't Like You

Joshua Morgan said...

Ablum:To young to remember
1.Short story
2.Awkward hunger games viewing (with your dad and sister there to)
3.Get out of your head and talk to me
4.Your best friend is not really your best friend(she also hates me)
5.How everyone hated me because I broke up with you
6.I am not dating anymore in middle school...
7.Is that really what you think of me?
8.Ha I finally beat you

Sarah said...

1. We Were Never Ever Ever Even Together
2. Obscure Haiku (Don't Get That Tattoo)
3. St0ner Boi
4. STOP! Talkin' 'Bout Weed
5. I Had the Time of My Life (at Prom, Your Loss) feat. Everyone You Know
6. I Wish You Were Marcus Flutie
7. Don't (Refer to Yourself in the Third Person)

Yep.

Chelsea said...

Mine will be a mixture of crushes/boyfriend...no particular order:

1.) You're Just Like My Dad In All The Bad Ways
2.) I Seriously Just Randomly Decided To Have A Crush On You (I Don't Even Know You)
3.) Lying To Me Is Rarely Successful (When You Tell My Brother The Truth)
4.) You Were Nice (And Now You're Married)
5.) I...Seriously...Don't Even...
6.) We Were Close (And Now You're Married)
7.) Darcy
8.) I Was A Third Wheel (And Now You're Married)
9.) You Just Liked The Idea Of Us, Really (And So Did I)

eracentric.chick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Melody said...

The One That Moved Away (And Promptly Got Gorgeous)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
DON'T! ASSAULT! MY! FRIENDS!
'No Thank You'
One Time I Sneezed And You Said Bless You
You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go (cover)

Amber said...

People pay good money at a spa to have clay splattered all over them. This sounds like a good deal, maybe.

My album:

1. I'm Sorry I Dumped You In the School Gym While Square Dancing (Country Remix)
2. We Actually Didn't Have Anything In Common
3. I Can See the Lines From Your Tighty Whities
4. You Just Fucked Up A Beautiful Friendship
5. This Could've Been A Fling (If You Weren't Such a Good Person)
6. Stop Pretending You're Michael Cera

alexandra said...

A Not-So Love Story

1. Really, I'm The Other Girl?
2. We Were 15 And You Had a Temper Tantrum Because Your Mom Wouldn't Buy You An Action Figure In The Dollar Store And I've Hated You Ever Since
3. I Briefly Thought We Were Cousins Because You Looked Astonishingly Like Uncle Joe But I Was Wrong (George Michael)
4. That Time We Went To The Farm And You Slipped in Cow Poop But Now I Couldn't Mention It Without You Getting Pissy
5. I Know Your AIM Password, Sucka (2003)
6. If Your Dick Was As Big As Your Ego Is, I'd Be A Lot Happier
7. What Do You Mean You Don't Like My Favorite Band?
8. Really, I'm The Other Girl Again?

Anonymous said...

Well, actually, there is /r/socialskills, but whether it will actually teach someone social skills is unknown at this time.

So let's get this FOREVER ALONE show going (I only actually dated two of them). Tracks are not in chronological order.

1. A Bear In A Trap
2. The Beginning Of All My Neuroses
3. The Craziest Time Of Our Lives
4. Hooked On An Antidepressant-Fueled Feeling
5. Die, Bitch, Die (NB: That one earned the full extent of my wrath, and we never even dated.)
6. The One I Should Have Pursued, Part 1. (This goes much like Another Brick In The Wall. This one's about teenage romance that never goes anywhere because I was young, dumb, and didn't realize that my feelings were reciprocated.)
7. Let's Hook Up While Your Boyfriend Watches (NB: No, I didn't. But they really wanted to.)
8. The One I Should Have Pursued, Part 2. (This one's about two friends in college that had longing looks, but never did anything because they were too afraid of what would happen next.)
9. It'll Never Work Out Between Us
10. Internet Lust Song (No, it's not about porn.)
11. OKCupid Hates You
12. The One I Should Have Pursued, Part 3. (This one is about two grown ass people that should at least try, but won't.)
13. [A silent track, because.]
14. Herp, derp, FOREVER ALONE

Lauren said...

LOL @ how pathetically single I am, but anyway:
1) Bus Stop Blues
2) No, I'm Not Actually a Lesbian
3) Guys, that Happened Freshman Year
4) You Said You Didn't Understand Harry Potter, so...
5) My Mom was Obsessed with Your Dimples
6) Well, Noelle Fucked that One Up
7) Perfect Jawline
8) It Bugs Me That You Aren't Attracted to Me, Even Though I'm Not Attracted to You

Lauren Baker said...

1. Thanks for the Flowers (and the allergies)
2. Circuses Aren't Scary; Not At All
3. Ketchup Doesn't Go On My Fries (The Zoo Song)
4. Oops, You Missed My Face
5. Your Hobbit Feet Don't Impress Me Much- I'm A Harry Potter Girl
6. Thanks for the Coupon
7. Hostile in History
8. Peer Pressure [alt: Your Friends Are Jerks]
9. Together Forever (On The Winner's Plaque)
10. Where's the Stink? Your Mother's Eye (The Graduation Song)

with the bonus track: I Still Have Your Gameboy Charger So Good Luck Playing Pokemon

Nerd Girl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nerd Girl said...

You Call This Dating?

1. When You See What Else is Out There, I Hope You Come Back to Me
2. The Diner Boy (Coffee With Cream... Or Not)
3. You Can Wrap Those Muscle Man Arms Around Someone Else
4. I Know You Like Zombies, But Please Don't Eat My Face
5. My Ex-Friend's Ex-Boyfriend
6. Should Have Just Dated Your Dog
7. Pour Some Sweat on Me in the Name of Eew
8. He'll Cheat and Shoot Up, But He Won't Eat Meat
9. Sure You Wrote That Song for Me...
10. You're Not Ready For a Relationship? (Oh, at Least Not With Me)
11. Permission Not Granted to Date My Best Friend
12. Mind If I Steal Your Innocence?
13. You're Sexy... and I Wish You Didn't Know It
14. My Very Own Wannabe Cowboy
15. Please Stop Leaving Your Boxers on My Floor

Pip said...

So apparently I have a lot to say to my ex-boyfriends /ex-whatevers...so my song titles are in the style of Fall Out Boy and Sufjan Stevens.

What did I do in my past life to deserve this joke of a love life?, an album

1) Yes, I understand the Ginny Weasley-Harry Potter reference. It stopped being funny weeks ago.
2) A disorder that makes you hook up with another girl while asleep? Do you think I'm stupid?
3) So...you have a girlfriend? And she has cancer? Are you f***ing kidding me?!
4) Don't mind my craziness, I just didn't realise that some guys are actually nice.
5) Ginny-Harry comparison still isn't funny.
6) Um...I'm sorry? You got caught in the middle of my mental breakdown.
7) Did you have fun whittling that walking stick while you weren't calling me?
8) Oh wow. You play the trumpet.
9) Dear God. Just go row your stupid boat in your tiny unitard and leave me alone.
10) Not even surprised that you have a weird German girlfriend.
11) Please stop asking me to marry you when drunk. We are not Harry and Ginny.
12) Long distance is sucky.

Obviously I am not going to be the next Taylor Swift.

beccaaaalove said...

I love everything about this. Made my own post on the subject, but here's my list anyway:

1. If He Cheats With You, He'll Cheat On You
2. I'd Rather Date Your Sister
3. An Introduction (Of My Fist to Your Face)
4. You Make Dashboard Confessional Sound Punk
5. I Am Not Sober Enough For This
6. The Sex Was Great, But I Still Hate You
7. Wait, You're HOW Old?
8. I Hate Your Stupid Face
9. You're Harder to Understand Than Fall Out Boy Lyrics
10. Do You Ever Stop Talking?
11. You're One Step Away From A Restraining Order
12. I'm Over It (That's A Lie)

Schmahlo said...

all my crushes and one almost boyfriend

1. maybe take a shower
2. too bad you like my short friend
3. I'm not even sure I like you?
4. awkward...
5. FYI we're soulmates (get with the program)

laurammeansbusiness. said...

1. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Try to fool me again and I will cut of your dick.
2. Summer Lovin' (Oh,It's just me?)
3. Oh, you sucked a dick?
4. Stopp trying to unbutton my pants
5. You looked taller when I was drunk
6. Because of preferences and parents: Emphasis on the preferences
7. No, I'd rather you didn't want to plant your seed within me.
8. Those weren't even my boobs

Anonymous said...

That One F**ker (EP)

1. Intro: Chew With Your Mouth Closed Already
2. Didn't Your Mother Teach You Those Manners?
3. Not a Gentleman, Not Yet Even Half a Man
4. Your Food Gave Me Food Poisoning And You Know It
5. Insecure Much?!(Grow-Up Already!)
6. Full-Time Stalker, Part-Time Faker(Feat Ellen Page & Michael Cera)
7. Too Busy Developing the DOUBLE-STANDARD APPLICATION In Your Engineering Class? Thought So.
8. Believe Me, You're Not THAT Cool

Monica said...

I'm 26. The following relationships (or flirtationships) happened between ages 14 and 23:

1. We’d Both Be Different (if you hadn’t moved away)
2. I Can’t Compete (with your imaginary friend)
3. That Time I Loved a Sociopath
4. This Never Happened (it was perfect)
5. Your Fingernails are Gross
6. Your Back Tattoo is Gross
7. It’s Called Grammar
8. Let’s Be Best Friends
9. Let’s Never Talk Again
10. I Can’t Date You Because We’re Both Under Five Feet Tall (a.k.a. I Need to Give My Children a Chance)
11. Stop Asking for So Many Blow Jobs

Tonight I celebrated my two-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I hope I never have to add him to this playlist!

sterff1face said...

Off and On, Then Off Again
Tracklist:

1. How Can You Not Have a Celebrity Crush (or I Notice You're a Hipster)
2. I've Considering Ending This
3. Don't Tell Me (I'm Not Sad Enough When You Break it Off)
4. Why Do My Friends Keep Dating You?
5. You're So Much Better Than Existing Guys
6. Regretting the Drunken Make-out With You
7. Did You Really Just Stalk My Facebook?
8. Still Regretting That Drunken Make-out
9. You're So Nice (but I Can't Kiss You When I'm Sober)
10. You're So Much Better Than Existing Guys (club remix)

Yeah... that covers a lot (but not all) of my past romances =P Glad my current one is looking better. ^^

Anonymous said...

1. Guys, why do you still talk about him? (or, We were 12 and never spoke)
2. Dumping me by Email is not OK
3. Your Backwards Cap should have been a Red Flag
4. My First Kiss was Gross
5. Oh, so this is what Heartbreak Feels Like?
6. You dumped me a week before Valentine's Day (at least I hadn't bought you a present)
7. Skype is Magical (Why do you Live so Far Away?)

Lex said...

1, If I Fall Down The Stairs You Check If I'm Okay, You Fucker
2. The Four Year Crush
3. Ignore Me On My Birthday
4. The Teaching Assistant Blues
5. Are You Fucking Insane?
6. You're Flirting With Your Work Friend
7. Threatening My Family (Not Hot)
8. You ARE Fucking Insane
9. Silence In Subway
10. Beautiful Angel Friend (A Song For Hayley)

Eva said...

1. Lip pouts ain't sexy
2. No, he's just a friend
3. The "should I go to the police?" blues
4. What are you doing?
5. Your mom loves me more than you do
6. The story of two desperate people
7. I hate your political views

Anonymous said...

This is genius!

1.Kiss me, already!
2.STOP TEXTING ME
3.Don't kiss your bestfriend (Seriously)
4. My mom still expect us to marry someday
5.I'd be better with your little brother

Megan said...

None of you were really good enough for me: an album.
1) Wrong kind of chemistry (we were there for science)
2) Kissing when we're drunk isn't enough
3) That time you took advantage
4) Hahahahaha (you are so gullible)
5) It was a very sexy mistake
6) So please stop calling me
7) My mum really liked you (I'm sorry you're gay)
8) I threw you a birthday party we're not getting married
9) It's never going to happen, probably, let it go

Sarah said...

Always been single, but crushes.

[I Fall Easily]

1. Really? (We Were 11)
2. You Made Fun of My Accent (And Still I Liked You)
3. Really? (Reprise)
4. You're A Nerd (A Story of Unrequited Nerdlike)
5. Four Mornings And Some Scouring of Facebook (German Edition)
5. You're A Nerd - But I No Longer Like You (Reprise)

kteelee said...

Fresh Hate for Past Loves
1. I Know We Were 12 (But You Could've Dumped Me Yourself)
2. You Should've Said No When I Asked You To Dance
3. Who The Hell Is She?
4. My 8-Year-Old Cousin Is More Mature Than You
5. Get Out Of My Life (I Shouldn't Have To Tell You Thrice)
6. I'd Like You More If You Liked Me Less
7. One Year Later, No More Mature
8. We Dated Four Months, You Knew Her Two Days
9. Of Course I Stopped Trusting You When You Cheated On Me, Now Stop Flirting With Other Girls
10. Guilt Trip Yourself (Right Outta Town)
11. It's A Relationship, Not A Contest
12. It Wouldn't Kill You To Reciprocate
13. Call (Or Text. Or Facebook. Or Email. Or Smoke Signal.) Me Maybe (At Least Once A Month? Is That Too Much To Ask? It's Not Even Long Distance.)

Anonymous said...


A Permanent Lapse Of Reason

1. Sorry I Punched You In 2nd Grade
2. Bathroom Floor Blues
3. I Think You Thought You Taught Me Love
4. "Ignored By That Guy" Support Society
5. Sarcastic Replies (or: How I Thought You Were A Nazi For A Year)
6. Felton Fascinations; A Dramione Dream
7. Sober Observances, feat. Your Mistakes
8. a. Close To Perfection/ Wrong Country
b. Also, You're A Brony
9. Ode To Netflix
10. For The 10th Doctor
11. That Look In Your Eyes When I Talk About Leaving

diamondelight92 said...

1. Mormons are the Best First Boyfriends
2. Get Your Shit Together (But Actually Though)
3. My Mom is Your Psychiatrist (One of Many Reasons I Dumped You)
4. Sorry I Herniated a Disk in Your Neck But You Still Hurt Me Worse

Anonymous said...

I have a few possibilities but they're all ultimately overshadowed by this:

"I didn't suck your dick because you look like Remus Lupin (I honesty like you)"

Ahem, the things that happen at Harry Potter conventions....

Anonymous said...

My So-Called Lovelife (Should Have Been Greatest Hits)

01) So Naïve (First Boyfriend Blues)
02) Too Much We(ird)
03) Your One Wish (Is Making Me Throw Up)
04) You're Not The Only One That I Know (And The World Does Not Revolve Around You)
05 You And Your Parrot (The Ballad Of Your New Girlfriend)
06) Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold (You Never Saw It Coming)
07) Nothing Compares To John Green (Spending Too Much Time On The Internet)
08) E-mail Me Back You Fucker (Time To Relax)
09) Being Angry And Not Thrusting Because Of My Past Relationships (Isn't Helping My Current Relationship)
10) Ain't Life Fun? (Pretty Deep Mix)
11) It's Not You, It Is Me (The Break Up Song)
12) I Still Regret Breaking Up With You (But I Won´t Admit That To You)

Hidden Bonus Track :
Getting Back Toghether? (When Hayley G Hoover Publishes Her First Novel) Feat. Flying Pigs & Freezing Hell

Charlotte Dow said...

Look at Me Damnnit! : High School Romance Greatest Hits
1. Breaking Up in A Public Place is Hard to Do
2. Yes, Nicking Your Face Before the Dance Was a Sign
3. Your First Instincts Were Right
4. There's a Reason Why He's So Quiet
5. Thanks for the Mix CD
6. Should've Trusted Facebook
7. She Does Have a Boyfriend, You Know
8. Sorry I Drooled on You on the Bus
9. Sexting is Fruitless (Remix)
10. Of Course You Just Want to Watch a Movie

Gerard Way may have had some influence on this.

Mach said...

I don't have any kind of tracks really... Maybe I'll just have a-thankfully old-track called Friendless Fun.
But, wow, Is There a Subreddit That Can Teach You Social Skills? is just a fantastic title. As are all the rest.

Emma said...

The EP of Broken Dreams
1. I still think about you(and your girlfriend said you liked me)
2. Why do you keep arguing when you're always wrong?
3. I hate you(only one of the reasons I'm dumping you)
4. Don't call me - I don't call you
5. Mr Darcy, I've never met anyone like you

Nate said...

Never Been Kissed: Barrymore Can’t Compare
1.Namin’ Our Babies
2.Holding Hands
3.Secret Ambiguous Nerd Love
4.The Disappointing Book of Mormon
5.You’re Not a Latter-Day Saint (Let’s Date)
6.Cat and Mouse (Unfair Lovegame)
7.Lying to Myself Across the Country
8.Anonymous Rejection
9.You’re Gay (What is this Feeling?)
10.Psychic Love Disaster
11.Mixed Signals
12.Sexual Identity Crisis
13.Matchmakers
14.Fallin’ For Your Best Friend
15.Fictional Love (Let’s Read a Book)
16.Let’s Keep Reading a Book
17.When Can I Finish the Damn Book?

Megan Chng said...

I just had to!

Just So You Know: The Greatest Hits - Volume 1

1) Why Do You Look Like A Lesbian Now?
2) My Father Was Ready To Bring You To The Police
3) I Still Have Recurring Dreams About You
4) What The Fuck (Was I Thinking)
5) What The Fuck (Were You Thinking)
6) Please (Don't Do That)
7) This Is All Kinds Of Weird
8) Baby, Please (Get Your Shit Together)
9) I'm Sorry (I Don't Have A Penis)
10) (Jack)Ass(Hole)
10) You (Deserve Better)

Anonymous said...

1) And then you moved to Brazil...
2) I'll see you one day in the news (and not for something pleasant)
3)Probably should have known you liked kissing boys.
4) Those purple trousers.

As always a great blog post :)

theyliveinsideus said...

Mine is more of an EP than a full album:

1. I'm Still Not Sure How Much English You Speak (Eighth Grade Gym Class)
2. Seven Weeks Longer Than It Should Have Lasted
3. Kind of Like Being Attacked by a Zombie in the Face
4. Conversations Should Be Two-Way
5. What Do You Mean You Don't Like Harry Potter?

Laura said...

Ugh (reprise) must be a pretty epic song

Brianna said...

1. Stand as Far Away From Me as Possible, Please
2. I Want the Weight of Your Body on Top of Me
3. Let's Watch Batman Movies and Kiss
4. I'd Rather Watch the Lord of the Rings Movies with You than Batman Movies with Him
5. Don't Watch Me If You Won't Talk to Me
6. Blue
7. I Am Capable of Hurting You
8. Don't Mess with a Lioness
9. Let's Kiss and Make Everything Complicated

heatherfeather said...

1. You're Were My First Everything
2. Don't Feel Me Up When I'm Napping
3. There Are Other Restaurants Besides McDonald's
4. Seriously, There is Other Food You Could Take me Out For
5. Obsessed Much?
6. I Will Control Every Aspect of Your Life
7. Doorknobs Have Better Personalities
8. Sad Emo Song That Sounds Like Every Other Song circa 2005
9. No, I will not sleep with you.
10. You're sleeping with half the youth group and no one told me
11. Fuck you (not literally)
12. You make me suicidal
13. Let Me Break Up with You Already
14. No, Really I'm Breaking Up with You
15. Listen, Fucker, It's Over
16. Restraining Order
17. Heard You Married a Preachers Daughter

Laika Jude said...

1. That's Rape!
2. Stop Trying to Dirty Talk
3. Shit Talk Me All You Want (I'll Tell Them You Never Gave Me an Orgasm)
4. So Proud of the Girl Who Cheated on You Next
5. Stop Forgetting I'm Jewish
6. Every Time I Have My Period I Think of You (The Thank God I'm Not Pregnant Song)
7. You Have the Personality of a Piece of Wet Cardboard
8. You Have Bigger Boobs Than Me
9. I Preferred Watching Fish Hooks to Hanging Out With You
10. My Diarrhea Smells Better Than Your BO
11. Thank You for Dumping Me (No Sarcasm)
12. You Were an Amazing Boyfriend and I'm Sorry That Our Lives Went In Different Directions

Anonymous said...

So these aren't all boyfriends, there's crushes and then some people who I was friends with who had crushes on me and ruined everything with the way they acted. And I suck at short titles.

1. Why Can't The Butterflies Just Die?
2. I'm Glad You Never Felt the Same (I Saw You Hit Her)
3. Sexual Assault, No Big Deal Right? (You Should Remember, Because I Can't Forget)
4a. Why Were You So Different When You Loved Me Too? (I Was In Love With My Friend, Not An Insecure, Clingy Marshmallow)
4b. Feelings Kind of Happened (For Your Twin Brother)
5. My "Bad Boy": Better Than All the Self-Proclaimed "Nice Guys"
6. She Cheated on You (Shall We Call it Karma?)
7. I Still Can't Believe You Thanked Me For Making Your Ex Jealous Enough to Take You Back
8. You Use "I Love You" Like It's a Synonym For "Lets Have Sex"
9. Thank You For Calling Me Lovely, You Were a Good One
10. You're a Mysoginistic, Narrow-Minded Jackass (Read: No, Our Constant Arguing Was Not Sexual Tension)

-Lanna

Anonymous said...


Love - The Mini Album

01 Crush
02 Dating
03 Falling (in love)
04 Loving
05 Irritating
06 Fighting
07 Breaking (up)

Put on repeat if you like to experience my broken record syndrome ;-)

SecretPoppy said...

Oh god, why am I doing this?
1. Sorry for trying to kiss you during story time.
2.I spent my whole primary school years trying to get you.
3.If I had stayed with you, would you not be a druggie now?
4.Those 5 years of nothing really lowered my self esteem
5.Why did I like you?
6.You're really a jerk
7.The first day I met you (you were paralytic)
8.We're going well now
9.Stop telling me not to itch my foot

PaigrRoo said...

Oh I like this game!
1) First Dates Dont Count When You Make Out With My (not-so) Best Friend
2) No! Means Not Taking My Shirt Off Behind that Department Store
3) Dont Diss My Pigtails (Geeky = Sexy)
4)I'm Not Your Little Peach, You're Just My Rebound
5) I Wish You Were My First of Everything
6)Dude, You're 10 Years Older than Me (and Have Been to 5x as Many Proms)
7)I'm Never Drinking Again
8)You Look Like McLovin'
9)Two Dates Does Not Qualify As a "Relationship" (Dont Call Me "Bitch")
10)Grow a Backbone
11)Im A Commitmentphobe and You Want a Wife

Also, dedicated to my best friends Ex

12) Dont Call Her Stupid

Katie said...

So, I've not exactly had a boyfriend before, but from early in my life to present, here are the song titles devoted to my former (and current) crushes.

[OCD: Obsessive Crushing Disorder]

1)Best Friend's Boyfriend (Oops)
2)You Seem Perfect (You're Not)
3)Too Young, Too Uninterested
4)Ginger, Smart & Stylish
5)Trumpeter (He's a Player)
6)Concert Band Blues
7)Acknowledge My Existence, Maybe?
8)I Spent Way Too Much Time On You
9)Not Worth The Tears (Screw You)
10)Forever Alone
11)A Band Camp Love Story
12)Okay Let's Actually Date (I'm Getting A Little Impatient)

Anonymous said...

1. Your band actually sucks
2. Don't ask me out on facebook! (I would have said no anyways)
3. You're sexy but a tool
4. You don't even have a bellybutton

Anonymous said...

A playlist for our mutual ex
1. No really, he just talks like that
2.Falling for my teacher's son
3. So does that make me your dirty young secret?
4. Dont you lie in Latin
5.Im not catholic, get over it.
6. Its not illegal in ohio
7.So guys are only after one thing after all
8.I never cheated (but I think you did)
9.180 in 80 min

10. now I'm your best friends girl
-Emiko

Anonymous said...


1. 7 hickeys and the reason I started wearing scarves
2. 20% Pleasure 80% Pity
3. No I don't want to make out in the Borders parking lot.
4. Well at least I discovered an awesome band because of you (an ode to the Mountain Goats)

Alexis said...

Mine is really more of a single than an album. You can get it for 99 cents on iTunes. Anyway, it's called Make Up Your F***ing Mind (That Didn't Clarify Anything).

Natalie Wickman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alexis said...

Oh and happy birthday Hayley!

Natalie Wickman said...

Boyfriendz Bop! (Volume 69)

1. You Built Legos and Stole My Heart
2. Burritos and Awkward Banter
3. If We Can Land a Man on the Moon, Surely You Can Wear Less Cologne.
4. Thnks Fr Th Face Slobber
5. No One Actually Likes Your Spongebob Socks
6. The More Hair Bleach, The Better
7. A Little Less Brony, a Little More "Normal Human"
8. Quite Frankly My Dear, You Smelled Really Bad at Prom
9. Yes, That Will Give You Cancer
10. No, I Don't Want to Promote Your Music
11. An Ode to the State of Being Bros

Eat your heart out Taylor Swift!

Little Rabbit said...

Hayley, this is an awesome idea. I wrote mine out before reading everyone's, but it's great that we can all share and vent like this. Some of your song titles are really brilliant, guys!! Here's mine (and the quotation marks on track 4 are intentional):

Dating a Writer Means It'll Get Written

1. That's Still Smoke, and You're Still an Idiot
2. Pretending This Works Won't Work
3. Call My Boyfriend (I Didn't Want To Keep In Touch Anyway)
4. "Unattached" (The Silver Tongue Remix)
5. Pursuit
6. That Was a Long Letter
7. Thanks For Stopping By (And Leaving DVDs On My Doorstep)
8. M.I.A.
9. You're Not So Bad
10. Then Again, Maybe That Was Too Fast
11. I Couldn't Make You Up (I Wouldn't Do That To Myself)
12. After All This Time
13. Entemologist (Don't Pin Me Down)
14. You're Cold For a Hot Mess
15. I Don't Remember Setting My Alarm to This
16. How My Standards Were Raised (The Nathan Drake Ballad)

kira902k said...

Hah great titles. Oh my.

Here are my eloquent titles for my brief experience:

1. You're a dick
2. You're a liar
3. You're a douchebag


Yay! Here are some for my celebrity crushes:
1. You're Perfect (and That Sucks)
2. Age doesn't matter
3. Seriously, I'm not that much younger

Anonymous said...

1) You're the Smartest Kid on this Trivia Team
2) I Don't Remember Your Name but You're From Southern Indiana!
3) My Best Friend Ships Us
4) You Love Michael Cera More Than You'll Ever Love Me
5) Oh God (Shut Up About Being an Atheist)

Norman said...

I'm a man BTW.

1. Go ahead and talk, I'm listening.
2. You've said that like five times.
3. I'm sorry
4. What are you angry about?
5. I'm so sorry.
6. Are you bringing that up again?
7. WHAT!
8. Who are you?
9. Do you want me to beg? Ok, I'll beg...
10. I just wanna watch the game.

Anonymous said...

happy birthday!

Anonymous said...

1. Mixed Signals
2. That One Time You Came On To My Best Friend (Yeah I Still Remember)
3. Senior Ball
4. We're Just Friends (Not Really)
5. Eleanora Homewrecker
6. 4 Years of Longing vs. Two Months of Fooling Around
7. First Kiss at 18
8. It's Not My Fault You Didn't Go to College
9. That One Sleepover
10. You Like My Mom More Than Me
11. Now I Know Why Everyone Thinks You're Gay (I'm Done Being Your Beard)

Anonymous said...


1 That Was A Big Mistake
2 It Would Be Oke On Any Other Day (But Not On My Birthday)
3 Bruises (Mentally)
4 You Asked To Be Written Into One Of My Songs (You Didn't Ask For A Happy One)
5 A Cookie Monster T-Shirt (Exclamation Mark, Exclamation Mark, Excalamtion Mark)
6 You Warned Me (But I Didn't Thougth You Were Serious)
7 As If Scarlett Johansson Would Ever Date Someone Like You
8 Valtentines Day Will Forever Remind Me Of You (Not In A Good Way)
9 You Only "Loved me" To Get Closer To My Roommate
10 Absolutely Cuckoo In Font Of You
11 I Could Probably Write A Whole Cd About You (But You Would Like The Attention That It Would Get You)
12 A Song About Your Penis (4 Minutes and 5 Seconds Of Silence)
13 Relation #13 Seams To be The Lucky Number For Me (Why Did I Ever Call The Other 12 A Relationschip)

Anonymous said...

I don't have enough creativity to write a bunch of songtitels. So I Made A "Greatest Hits" album of the titels from above that I liked.

01. The untold story of where the fuck you were for nearly four months.
02. Your Foreskin
03. I slept with a racist.
04. Why did you think I would want you to hollow out a tree in the woods to make a boat for me
05. If You Call Me "Baby" One More Time, I Will Make It My Personal Mission To Ensure You Will Never Be Able to Make One
06. You're Just Like My Dad In All The Bad Ways
07. Let's Hook Up While Your Boyfriend Watches (NB: No, I didn't. But they really wanted to.)
08. Thanks for the Flowers (and the allergies)
00. I Know You Like Zombies, But Please Don't Eat My Face
10. My 8-Year-Old Cousin Is More Mature Than You
11. Getting Back Toghether? (When Hayley G Hoover Publishes Her First Novel) Feat. Flying Pigs & Freezing Hell
12. I Still Have Recurring Dreams About You
13. Doorknobs Have Better Personalities
14. Every Time I Have My Period I Think of You (The Thank God I'm Not Pregnant Song)
15. You Have Bigger Boobs Than Me
16. Trumpeter (He's a Player)
17. A Song About Your Penis (4 Minutes and 5 Seconds Of Silence)

Sorry to thost who wrote titels that didn't make it into my greatess hits list.

Happy birthday Hayley!

Kali said...

Pretentious Douches, Songs About
1. But We Were So Cute
2. Thanks For The Music (Not the Memories)
3. I've Never Done This Before
4. Don't Care (Never Did)
5. You're Pretty
6. I Like Your Beard (Between My Legs)

Anonymous said...

Notes from a Broken Heart
1. Your OkCupid Profile
2. I'm Sorry (or, I Meant Every Word) [this is the girl power song]
3. Give Me Back My Stuff
4. All of It
5. No Really
6. I Know You Too Well To Believe That
7. You Still Have My Rubber Duck [ballad]
8. I'm Pretty Sure (or, You're Gay)

Hidden Track: My Dreams (or, My Subconscious Misses You)

Zazeezoo said...

Titled "Oh, so two of my exes are married to my best friends now? Okay."

1. No, it's cool, we can still go on our first date even though you just broke up with me
2. Sorry I broke up with you 3 days after your senior prom
3. YOU WEREN'T ALLOWED TO DATE???
4. Sorry you don't know what you're doing
5. WHOA, how about no.
6. Ohhhh so you're gay now? That's why it didn't work out.
7. Believe it or not, there other things to do than making out during a movie.
8. No, changing where we watch the movie doesn't count.
9. Kissing should not involve slobber.
10. Better luck next time.
11. The story of how you said 2 hours was too long distance.
12. For 3 months.
13. Really? You can't handle that?
14. I'm glad you fessed up 3 years later that it wasn't the distance and you were just chicken.

It'll be a long CD.

There could even be a part 2.

Hope said...

1. You smell good and I like your blue hair
2. Firefly and your shoulder
3. I've never kissed anyone before
4. No, seriously, I've never kissed anyone before and that was weird
5. why haven't you called me in two weeks
6. what the fuck is going on with you
7. if you still like me why aren't we dating
8. so do you like me again or what
9. YOU ARE A DOUCHE
10. No I don't really want to be friends are you stupid
11. That is total bullshit and I hope you know that
Hidden Track: PS. Your couch is really fucking ugly

Hayley, I love you.

Hope said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Afton said...

No Thanks for These Memories Volume 1 - High School Edition

1. I Instantly Regret This Decision
2. This is the Weirdest Text I've Ever Gotten (Stop It)
3. Are You Ron Weasley?
4. LOL Wrong Ginger
5. You Leave for Basic in 4 Days...
6. Unopened Letters
7. Sorry I'm a Cunt (Oops)
8. ALCOHOL
9. Sorry I'm Still a Cunt (Double Oops)
10. I am Not A Participation Ribbion
11. ERMEHGERD (You Really Love Me)

Anonymous said...

1. Thanks For Making Out With Me When You Had Feelings For Somebody Else
2. Hit On My Best Friend (I Don't Like My Self Esteem Anyway)
3. Wasted Time
4. I'm Not Your Girlfriend
5. Narcissistic Tantrums In The Supermarket Aisles Of Your Self-regard ft. Tim Minchin
6. My Excuse Is That I Was Drunk And You Were There

Anonymous said...

"Songs For Boyfriends Past"
1. Wrestling is not something to brag about
2. Hunting is not somthing to brag about
3. Seriously, wrestling wrestling is not something to brag about (reprise)

Anna said...

[EP of Apologies]
1. I'm sorry I ran away from you at the park but I was 13 and scared of boys
2. I'm sorry I asked you out through a note but you gave me a really shitty birthday card so we're even
3. I'm sorry I accidentally threw that copy of Katherines at your balls
4. I'm sorry I dumped you after three weeks but you kind of deserved it

{The Past Twelve Months}
1. Did you really have to ask me out while I was holding kickboards?
2. Barnes & Nobel/Bass Pro Shop
3. I don't know if I want to do this anymore
4. That one time when you subconscious texted me from the hospital and told me you still had feelings for me
5. I don't know if I want to do this anymore (reprise)
6. I really didn't want to be able to hear you pee
7. I'm pretty sure you don't want to do this anymore
8. Did you really have to put posters of your face all over the school?

[Currently: The New Single]
1. I find both you and that triceratops that you're making in ceramics class really hot

This was waaay too much fun. Thanks, Hayley!

Christina said...

I love this! Not much experience, but I think I can come up with a few things...

1. Great Kisser (You're Not)
2. Consent's Great, But You Don't Need to Ask to Hold My Hand
3. I Don't Think We Actually Liked Each Other (Part 1)
4. We Just Wanted Someone to Make Out With (Part 2)
5. Being a Dick to Get Me to Break Up With You
6. It Was Working, But You Got to It First

1. Best Friend's Old Roommate
2. You Don't Know You're a Hipster
3. Seriously Dude, How Do You Not Know You're a Hipster?
4. I Like You A Lot (Despite Your Hipster Qualities)
5. Too Bad I'm Moving to France
6. Watching Parks & Recreation All Day And Making Out

Anonymous said...

I guess mine would be only about one guy but this needs more than one song. (Important note, he asked me out, then dragged it out for over a month why he couldn't actually take me out yet, then said it wouldn't work out.) Anyways.

1. That's a really douchey haircut (and your new girlfriend is a total ho-bag.)
2. Learn to spell; your IMs made me cringe.
3. A nipple piercing, really?

Catherine said...

This was actually really fun and hilarious. A good creative outlet break from homework!

1. What do you mean, "You don't like to read"?
2. Broken Feet and the Theater's Back Row
3. Seven Months and Not a Single Real Conversation
4. What Part of "Happier Without You" Do You Not Understand?
5. I'm Sorry to Get Between You and Jesus
6. Don't Drop Me Off in Front of My Dorm

Fun fact: Number 6 ended up being the one. We broke up for two weeks after a month or so of dating. Going on 6 years now. Who knew?

Anonymous said...

1. I don't think that's how meditation works
2. You're just a great kisser (that's it)
3. Well, that took a while to shake off

Bobina said...

You Think I Would Have Learned By Now (EP)
1. Helga Pataki Skewed my Childhood Love Life (Sorry for Stalking You)
2. Oops, I Meant to Say "Yes" Not "Ew"
3. Looking Past the Unibrow
4. Bus Stop (3 Year Silence)
5. I Believe in Boys Who Believe in Nargles (And Why I Shouldn't Have)
6. Your Music is Pretentious, and Other Synonyms
7. Early Morning Service (Bus Back Home and Reasons to Say No)

Tagz said...

That awkward past and present

1.You look like my gay bestfriend
2.You have a better relationship with my boobs than me
3.No it's not my personality
4.You can't handle awesome
5.Get over it!
6.Indecisive
7.My parents don't hate you
8.Mum thinks you're weird
9.Stop! (Being a little bitch)

Luciane said...

I included major crushes and flings.

1) Ouch (I Thought We Were Friends)
2) Be Honest (You Really Don't Care)
3) Yep, I'm Definitely Gay (No Your Church Can't Cure Me)
4) It Would've Been Nicer (If You Learned How To Communicate)
5) This Is Just A Rebound
6) Be Honest (You Just Miss My Boobies 'Cause Your Boyfriend is a Dick)
7) At Least You're Not Straight

Julianne said...

From an assortment of inspirations in the past few years:

1. The Only Reason (I Talked to You Was Because You Looked Lonely)
2. Serious (When You Said You Wanted to Take Over the World)
3. Narcissistic Delusions of Grandeur
4. I'm Still Not Interested (After two years)
5. Seriously, Get Over Me (I Never Ever Ever Considered Getting Together)
6. Stop Hitting On Me (You're Twelve)
7. We Are Ravenclaws (But You're a Quasi-Hipster Drug Dealer)
8. Also, You Were a Drunk Asshole During Class

You're just so funny sometimes said...

These aren't for boyfriends so much as people I've liked.
1.) Are toy cars flirtatious when you're six?
2.) You moved to Georgia (And that's the end)
3.) Thank goodness Barack Obama broke us up
4.) Wait, are we still dating?
5.) I can't believe you brought your mom to Cracker Barrel with us
6.) I only liked you because we were both so miserable
7.) In which I cried in the bathroom of a college admissions office
8.) It was strictly tumblr love
9.) I gave you a Kinderegg and this is what I get?

toastburntbread said...

1. Stop Moaning While We're kissing and Learn How to Kiss
. We Went on One Date and You Broke My Heart
2. My First Thought of You Was He's A Mouth Breather but Now I'm Attracted to Your Badness
3. Your Favourite Memory of us is Farting on me by Accident

Nic-Noodles said...

1-You're 18, Stop Making Your Friends Do Your Asking (Begging?)
2-That's Why I Broke Up With You, Dumbass.
3-We're Not Together Because My Best Friend Was More In This Relationship Than Either Of Us.
4-3 Days & Dumped Over Facebook
5-Stop Trying To Feel Me Up, You're My Best Friend's Boyfriend.
6-Lost My Virginity In A Field.
7-My Kicking You In the Fork Should Have Been A Clear Enough Message.

(In honour of my best friend)

8-Four Exes (ALL GAY)
9-This One Is Going The Same Way
10-Stop Telling Me About Your Sex Life (I Really Didn't Need To Know.)

Jana said...

'The genre of my life is apparently not Romantic Comedy.'

1. We are a like!
Clone: UR me (Interlude)
2. Two minutes love
3. Crossing boundaries
4. It is so hard... I wished!
5. Watching telly, eating brownies
6. Confessions of a Facebook stalker
7. Dirty Cougar
8. Jailhouse Rock
9. Thanks for the earrings (but we are still broken up)
10. Pineapple Diet
11. You look like Jensen Ackles, let's marry!
12. Flat belly *unplugged

Hidden track: the eX-files

caroline said...

Melodramatic Guy Friend
1. Nobody Cares
2. Why would you post that on tumblr.
3. You're talking to me. Did you break up with your girlfriend?
4. Secondhand embarrassment.
5. Donnie Darko was ok
6. Sorry I don't like the same bands as you
7.( Sorry) Not sorry
8. Stop writing song lyrics on your arms
9. Actually, lots of people see therapists.
10. Flannel in the summertime

I could go on forever.

LoluaKroze said...

Can't stop laughing at the hilarious song titles from other commenters. Here are mine:

Done Crying Over You
debut album by The Hopeless Romantics
1. A Bouquet From Your Mom, But No Thanks From You
2. If Only You Didn't Spend Your Weekends as a Confederate Soldier
3. All We Have is PBS and Les Miserables
3. No, My Running Away Didn't Mean Anything (But Of Course It Did)
4. The Sexmuffin Song
5. What Happens in Berlin Doesn't Stay in Berlin
6. Messed Up Make-Out Hair
7. You Always Walk Behind Me (Like a Stalker)
8. 109 Swears and a Sea Cow
9. We Held Hands That One Time But You're Not Into Girls
10. Why Did You Invite Me Over If You're Just Going to Play Kingdom Hearts with Your Roommate
11. Turtle Boi
12. The Ballad of Barney and the Fake Music Librarian
13. You Went to South America And Now You're Into Girls Again
14. The Jazz Age Difference
15. Go Be a Priest Already
16. (Hate Who I'd Become) If I Went Out With You

I. said...

what is my life
- WOW ATTENTION (rock version)
- your tongue is weird
- that's okay (why does your friend have to remind me that we dated for a month 3 years later)
- France loving, will never last
- First time I fell (hard)
- Sex (is'nt for 13 yearolds so stop asking)
- WHAT DID I DO? (metal version)
- Sorry (that I laughed)
- Please, stop fighting with me
- I always thought you were cute
- I know I'm desperate.
- Yes (house version)
- hey, this is nice
- you're one of the best I had
- the first tears
- the big adventure
- I fell (too soon)
- I can't help it I'm so horny (like you care)
- YOU CHEATED? (No? okay)
- Shall I be the one? (to break up)
- YOU CHEATED? (you DICK) (reprise)
- Looking back, you were always there.

Anonymous said...

Selections from: "Dating/Crushing on Assholes in the Suburbs"
-"Please remove your face from my face, I hate your guts."
-"Baseball is awesome, but can we change the subject?"
-"You're taste in music sucks."
-"Oh, so you're dating both of us. (But I still like you)"

Freya said...

Ahem, this is a little late but whatever :)

1. Thanks For The Stolen Ring
2. Thanks For The Late Valentine's Card
3. Too busy loving fiction
4. Wow, you really are posh twat
5. You'll do (I'll fancy you)
6. We clicked (but I don't care)
7. She was right about your nose
8. I didn't turn him gay!
9. Pink leg warmers, perfect first date attire
10. Your robot voice
11. You're weird
12. You're really weird
13. This is too weird, fuck off
14. Why do you (smell like an old man?)


Kathy Schneider said...

Over You

Part 1:
1. To the Gorgeous and Arrogant
2. You Weren't That Cool
3. Use the Phone! (Not MySpace)
4. What Am I (To You)?

Part 2:
1. The One Who Thought He Was the One
2. Pay Attention to Me
3. We're Done (I Wish)
4. Your Best Friend's Girl
5. Don't Marry Me
6. Rape
7. Give Me Back My Dog!

Bonus Track (for my boyfriend):
1. Thank You For Loving Me

Anonymous said...

1. Proposal in a Food Court
2. On the Bench (First Kisses)
3. Eighteen Best Months of my Life
4. On the Bench- Reprise (Apparently We're Done)

Anonymous said...

1. How Did You Not Realise You Were Gay
2. Two Months You Knew and I Didn't
3. I Should've Known (I Saw the Likes on Your Tumblr)

Anonymous said...

You didn't have to be such a dick (Deluxe Edition)

1. Have you ever even thought of my orgasm?
2. Sure, flirt with that girl while I'm standing next to you.
3. You can't pretend you don't know anymore (now that I've told you you're a selfish arse in bed).
4. "I'm trying" no, you're not, it's really not that hard.
5. Five days?!
6. Five days?! (Telling me doesn't make you a nice guy).
7. I still exist, you know?
8. We're in the same classroom, every single day.
9. Ignoring me isn't the right thing to do.
10. Bringing her to the graduation ceremony isn't either.
11. Finally free!
12. No, wait, you decided you're doing the same study as me...
13. What do you mean, you didn't know I wanted to study this! (I even discussed this with your father!)
14. Explaining all my messed up shit to you (I even wrote you a letter).
15. Nope, saying 'hi' two times isn't enough.
16. I wrote you a freaking letter!
17. Back to ignoring the shit out of me.
18. Classy.
19. Real classy (you know I take medication 'cause of you?)
20. You should know, it was in my letter! (Death metal version)

I've got some issues...

James said...

Amazing. Here's mine.

This Is An Album About Women
by Manboy Snark and The Children From Previous Relationships

1. Everybody Hated You But Me
2. Are You Really a Girl?
3. Who's That Dude (Who Keeps Following You)
4. Baby, We Had Sex That Time And Then Everyone Found Out And Took The Piss Out Of Me For Literally Years Afterwards (But Thanks For Telling People I Had Stamina, Not That It's Helped At All)
5. Posh Girls - A Lament
6. Your Boyfriend Thinks That Martians Built The Moon
7. My Accent, Your Insults
8. You Love Me Then You Don't Then You Do
9. Never A Date After All
10. Legitimate Illiterate
11. Don't Kick Him Out, We Need The Rent
12. No, Don't Be Sick, Don't -- Oh
13. The Ballad of Armstrong's Couch
14. Prince Edward Bay
15. I Don't Want To Know (Who You're Fucking Right Now)

I may very well write a few of these, now.

Anonymous said...

I'm haven't really dated anyone horrible, but I still wanted to give this a try:
Why did I trust myself?
1. Playback in Boxers (Wow, I'm not gay)
2. First Rain in May
3. I won't break if you touch me
4. Prom Night (The right Flowers)
5. Norderney (Instrumental)
6. So you like my best Friend?
7. Why did I trust myself?
8. Please just allow me to tell you I'm sorry (I dumped you)
9. I get that you have a Type
10. You're 24, stop being so melodramatic!
11. But I like your best Friend!
12. So you like my best Friend? (relieved remix)
13. You should try being nice to me when you're sober, too
14. Drooling (Metric class)
15. I know all of my Friends rejected you
16. Drooling (Seneca)
17. Don't touch my Hair!
Bonus Tracks for the Eternal Crush:
1. Passport in Poland (Straw Man at Night)
2. I owe you Apple Pie
3. And you're back!
4. I only played that Card so I could sit next to him
5. Slim Thighs (your new Girlfriend)
6. Soccer (your Passion is endearing, but it might just be because of that time you hit me in my Face)

Gansa das Neves said...

Hormonal Fixation - volume 1
1. Tequila Lullaby
2. I Don't Know Why I Still Miss You (But I Do)
3. I Know Your Girlfriend Hates Me (She Sits Behind Me In Math Class)
4. On My Aunt's Doorway
5. She Cheated On You (And I'm Happy To Know It)
6. Please Don't Tell Me About Your Sex Live (It Doesn't Even Involve Me)
7. Sweaty, Tormenting Dreams Of You
8. I See You Online - The Proud Silence Lament
9. That Time We Tried To Steal A Boat
10. I Kissed A Girl (And I Didn't Particularly Enjoyed It)
11. Ashtray and Sangria
12. It Was Just An Awkward Dance
13. Too Bad You're Gay

Great post btw! I love your videos Hayley! :D

Kelsey said...

Where Are All The Hot People - Vol. 1

1. Gone With The Instant Message
2. The Week of Starvation (Wow Fuck You)
3. Seventeen Minus Thirteen Equals Stop Touching My Ass
4. Whoa, Cowboy (Easy on the Tongue)
5. Where'd You Go?
6. You Smell
7. Go Sit On A Dick Pt. 1
8. Go Sit On A Dick Pt. 2 - I Didn't Mean Literally
9. The Scary Song
10. Leave No Trace
11. You Don't Love Me (feat. The Eighth Graders)

Anonymous said...

1. Please remove your tongue from behind my teeth
2. You’re hot but I hate the way you talk
3. I’m not your booty call
4. I’m not drunk enough for this
5. I’m not sober enough for this
6. I regret paying for your drink
7. Your shirt is ugly
8. You’re nice but a terrible kisser
9. You’re too short
10. I shouldn’t have to tell you 4 times that I don’t like you; I don’t care what your friends say!
11. You’re creepy and I’m not giving you my email address
12. You did NOT just grab my card from my bra!
13. I like you, you like me, you have a girlfriend
14. I love you but you think of me as your younger sister
15. I changed my mind

Anonymous said...

1. Your Family is Psycho Now
2. If I Were My Parents then 201 Phone Codes Would Freak Me Out, Too
3. You Cheated On Me With a Target Employee
4. I Can't Believe I Gave You a Blow Job in Public
5. You Liked Me, I Didn't Like You, I Liked You, You Didn't Like Me
6. If Only You Weren't (So Clingy)
7. We Used To Flirt, But Your Lips are Weird
8. I Liked You, But You Were Gay (Like Actually Gay)
9. Remember That One Time Your Little Brother Walked In On Us
11. If Only You Weren't (So Clingy) pt. 2
12. Small Penises and Other Regrets
13. My Favorite Kiss, My Favorite Weekend (Was It The Alcohol?)
14. I'm Not Crazy, You're Crazy For Not Being Crazy About Me
15. I Literally Don't Understand Tonight
16. Why Does This Always Happen When We're Drunk

Coming up with those titles made me laugh a lot.

Morgan said...

1) I know we're both awkward, but we should date.
2)I put your hand on my boob- You freak out and we're going too fast.
3) Nevermind, stop pawing at my chest
4) Seriously, this is uncomfortable.
5) Kissing should never include licking the side of my face.
6) Please stop trying to hold my hand- I'm trying to watch Harry Potter.
7) It's too bad my ex had more dick in his personality than in his pants.
8) That picture you just liked is three months old- Please stop facebook stalking me.
9) I'd rather be single

Mo Razmjoo said...

I'm currently single (which isn't that bad) and I've only ever had one true crush. Sad, I know.

NOW! That's What I Call Hopelessly Single (Volume ∞):

1. Always.*



*That's a reference to Snape (and that I will 'Always' have this crush, whether I like it or not), not that I will hopelessly be single for the rest of my life. At least, I hope not.

Anonymous said...

Nope. Volume 1
1.My Midsummer night's dream
2.spring fling, summertime
3.fucking make up your mind
4.I love you, wait, no.
5.every Kate Nash song ever
6.I'm not in Scotland, but you're still the fooled one
7.hideous haircut
8."You're nice""You're spoiled""You're hot"?
9.Increasing over time
10.decreasing over control issues
11.call me when you've outgrown those diapers (wait, you don't have my number)
12.no facebook stalking, just dreams of dancing
super secret hidden bonus tracks
13.girl right next to you (Taylor Swift-girl at home cover)
14.unrequited, year 4
15.how to say "Your new girlfriend is awesome" without sounding sarcastic
16.I'm on your side, not in your bed
17.Mr.Tilney

Anonymous said...

...I noticed you mention "Wishbone"--and in a video on YouTube--'90s Nickelodeon. How much do you miss the '90s? ...just curious, if it's okay to ask.

How do you feel about the '90s Kid controversy? IE, "you're only a '90s kid IF you were born in the '80s and NOT the '90s"...... Personally, I no longer have a stance. My pea-sized ego doesn't like being stepped on, so I'm going to remain indifferent and stay in whatever generation box everyone else sticks me in.

DeLani said...

All about crushes. However:

1. "Wanted to Be Your VP"
2. "The Lead in the Musical (Ended Up Being a CONSERVATIVE!)"
3. "¿Cómo te llamas? (Spanish Class Remix)"
4. "Being Liberal Doesn't Make You Open-Minded"
5. "Giggity"
6. "Better Bisexual"

ceshi said...

Louisville Cardinals vs
Baltimore Ravens jerseys. Oregon Ducks: Most Surprising Stats from Sweet 16 Clash | Bleacher Report
As expected, the top overall seed in the 2013 NCAA tournament, Louisville disposed of the Cinderella Oregon Ducks in the Sweet 16 on Friday night. But the game was not without its fair share of surprisingly statistics.Although the scoreboard will show that the Cardinals won their 13th straight game, the box score tells a somewhat surprising tale about how Oregon was able to test Louisville like very few other teams have this season, especially over the past six weeks.Here we'll recap some of the most surprising stats from Friday's Sweet 16 matchup in Indianapolis.Ducks Win Rebounding, Turnover and Assist BattleOregon forward Arsalan Kazemi reeled in a game-high 12 rebounds
Chicago Bears jerseys.Jamie Rhodes-USA TODAY SportsIt's rare that a team forces more turnovers than Louisville, but that's what happened on Friday night in Indianapolis, as Oregon won three big statistical battles only to lose the game.The Ducks finished plus-1 on the boards, plus-1 in the turnover battle and plus-2 in assists but minus-8 on the scoreboard. The biggest difference in Friday's game came at the foul line, where Louisville was plus-7, drawing 22 fouls and 26 free throws over the course of 40 minutes.Still, it's crazy to think that 12th-seeded Oregon was able to top Louisville in all three of those categories.After all, the Cardinals were a combined plus-12 on the glass, plus-19 in the turnover department and plus-17 in assists through their first two tournament games coming into Friday's Sweet 16 tilt.Peyton Siva Scores Fewer Than Five Points for Eighth Time This SeasonPeyton Siva's 19 minutes on Friday were the fewest he's played in a game this season.Streeter Lecka/Getty ImagesLouisville senior guard Peyton Siva is only averaging 9.7 points per game this season, but it's still shocking whenever he fails to reach the five-point mark in a game, especially a big one like Friday's against Oregon
Dallas Cowboys jerseys.Siva played a season-low 19 minutes on Friday because of foul trouble, and finished with just four points on 1-of-5 shooting from the field.Friday's lackluster performance marked the eighth time this season that Siva has scored fewer than five points in a game NFL shirts. Luckily for Siva and the Cardinals, his fellow backcourt mate Russ Smith poured in 31 to make up for his off night.Oregon Becomes First Team in Two Months to Outscore Louisville in Second HalfStreeter Lecka/Getty ImagesPrior to Friday's matchup with Oregon, Louisville had outscored 15 consecutive opponents in the second half, winning 14 of those games.But despite trailing by 14 points at halftime, the Ducks rallied in the second half, outscoring Louisville 38-32 to become the first team since Pitt on Jan. 28 to score more second-half points than the Cardinals.Oregon won't be content that it's headed home after three games, but the Pac-12 champions can at least take some pride in the fact that they were able to do what very few other teams in college basketball have been able to lately—push Louisville and only lose by single digits
San Francisco 49ers jerseys.Coming into Friday, only two of Louisville's previous 12 opponents had come within single digits.Link toPrintable PDF Link toLive Bracket Follow all the exciting NCAA tournament action withMarch Madness LiveFollow Bleacher Report Featured Columnist Patrick Clarke on Twitter.

Ida said...

1. Too Soon And Too Real
2. The Overly Attached Mom
3. The One That Got Lonely (With Hundreds of Girls Around)
4. The Best Moments We Never Had
5. Baby Love (Not Cute Anymore)
6. I Told That I Love You
7. Your Reply Was "Really?"
8. I Know You Don't Love Me, I Know You Don't Care
9. Just Shout Whenever, I Won't Be There
10. I'm Ashamed Of All Of You (And Myself)
11. I Liked That You Liked Me
12. The Amount Of Dirt On Your Floor.. All I Can Say Is Eh Eh
13. Ozzie Opposite

Bonus Track: To Be Or Not To Be Together (That Is Still My Question)

Anonymous said...

(Fairly limited lovelife but between the 2 of them it made up 5-6 years of my life)

1.) We almost died, and now you're gay
2.) I just wanted you in bed

Allison McKeen said...

1. It's Not the Way You Look (It's Because You're an Asshole)
2. No One is Laughing at Your Racist Joke
3. They Told Me You Weren't Invited
4. Think It Through
5. Fine, I'll Pay (Just Like Last Time)