There's something really weird about a twenty-two-year-old woman writing in the same blog that contains her high-school-sophomore angst. I feel like I'm disturbing a haunted tomb or something. If I make too much noise, the puffy-haired ghost of Teenage Hayley might climb out of my laptop screen The Ring-style and yell at me for liking Top 40 and be disappointed that I still haven't figured out how to shape my eyebrows. In fact, I can name at least fifty things she'd berate me for. Some examples:
- I'm not a rich and famous author and I don't really desire to be one
- I'm not married to my friend's guitar-playing big brother (he now has a really trashy upper arm tattoo of the name of the city we grew up in; dodged a bullet there)
- I don't eat cheese
- I don't think enjoying reality TV is a symptom of being stupid
- I own a romper
- I maybe voted for Nader in 2008?
We still like Chipotle and Harry Potter and thinking we're better than everyone, though, so not all is lost. Anyway, this just feels weird. Typing this. Posting this. Like driving by a house you used to live in and knowing exactly how many stairs are inside but also knowing you're not allowed to go in.
I used to make lists here-- about things I wanted to accomplish or how I wanted to improve myself-- and jotting one down on a Panera napkin this afternoon is what reminded me of this old abandoned blog. One of my present-day goals (alongside learning to actually wash dishes instead of rationalizing that you can use the same bowl over and over if you never take it downstairs) is to do things I like to do. I like reading and listening to the radio and wearing jewelry and eating spinach, so why do I avoid doing those things? Writing about my life is not a chore. It's something I like to do. But I've stopped doing it.
I think it's because I have a hard time treating the present like it's a real thing that really counts. Right now I'm saving money (in theory... trying to... thinking about starting to...) so I can move to Los Angeles and Begin My Real Life, but I know I need to stop thinking that way. I treated high school like the purgatory before college, and college like the waiting room before adulthood, and now I keep thinking of my bedroom and my car and my clothes and my city as temporary. That's so unhealthy! Now is the only now. And even though that sounds like the title of a bad '80s rock ballad, it's how I'm trying to live from here on out. Ohio isn't LA but it's still real life. So I'm going to spend my real life doing what I like to do. I'm going to wear dresses and have living plants around the house and talk to human beings. And maybe, like, write in a blog. Maybe.
Is that cool with you, fifteen-year-old self?
41 comments:
Hayley! This made me happy cause I was just reading your old blog posts because I've been watching your videos since 2007 and you always remind me to get back in touch with my roots and not hate my life so much. :) readin the hayleylujah chorus 4eva
You just kind of shook my world a little bit with this post. I hadn't realized until I read this that I'm doing the exact same thing. I'm 22 and I feel like everything I'm doing right now is just a stopgap until I'm a "real adult."
I remember my own transition from thinking maybe I can take over the world to thinking maybe I can really enjoy where I am in the world right now.
I love the internet and after so long on it I still am horrible at making any real friends on it. But it's always nice to see you poke your head up and check in.
You've always had the power to collect cool people around you and the commenters on this blog were always cool people. Nice to have the water cooler back.
Yo if/when you move out to LA let's hang out, eat Chipotle together, and make a video dressed as Ke$ha and Taylor Swift together. It might be pretty cool.
Also, I'm pretty sure everyone's teenage selves probably hate the future them unless like they never grew up and are instead laughed at by everyone for still legitmately being in love with Benji and Joel from Good Charlotte. Or are just like...Peter Pan, which is probably the only exception.
I just had a related epiphany this year as well. After 2 1/2 years of college I realized I was only there because I didn't like who I was so I thought a degree in something I didn't really like would fix that. A week in to the semester I dropped out. Scariest and also the best decision of my life. I'm happy just living my life and traveling. When I'm ready to go back to school its going to be something I want to do.
Nice to hear from you again Hayley. Next time don't wait so long.
(I tried on a romper as a joke, but it was just too comfortable not to buy. I feel you on that one.)
I am also living like this, in a year I will be done 6 years of post-secondary education. I am kind of terrified of the real world starting, even though I am living in it. Glad to see a post from you Hayley, and rompers are kind of my favourite thing, so comfortable and you dont have to sit like a lady which is the main reason I hate dresses and skirts.
This was fun to read. I'm glad the chorus is singing its slightly off-key song again :D
So nice to read a blog post of yours again. I just thought about it yesterday, actually. And yeah - I am never living in the moment, it's scary. But I think maybe that's just a symptom of being in your early twenties. Perhaps it's even healthy to constantly being in a hopeful state of mind.
This post was just what I needed right now. It's great to see you blogging.
So happy that you posted this, I really enjoy reading this blog.
So glad that you decided to post again. Being an on-again, off-again blogger myself, I know how it feels to return to an old site and just, start up again.
But, once you get back into the flow of things, it starts to come naturally... eventually.
But being me, I end up creating new accounts, which is not fun to keep track of...
Absolute fan of your videos, and I've been waiting for this blog to update for far too long to admit.
Glad to see you're back, although you're still hanging around on Youtube, so all's good either way.
YES. I just had this realization recently too. I spend so much time wrapped up in "someday" that I forget that "now" is where I'm living.
I'd totally listen to a song called "Now is the Only Now"
This is like reading what I will be going through in 4 years. It's scary how much this is familiar without happening to me yet.
I love reading your blog Hayley.
I am so happy to know that you'll be posting here again. Your blog is so fun to read and it really inspires me to try and be a better blogger. I suppose it's sort of a weird thing to say, like "you make me want to be good about writing about narcissistic self," but it is the lord's truth.
High School Hayley was just as smart and cool as Present Day Hayley who also has amazing hair.
Weirdest thing.... I hadn't checked your blog in MONTHS but decided to randomly and alas you still had not updated. BUT then you posted this just a couple hours after I checked! I'm so glad you did aand I am looking forward to any other posts you decide to make in the future :)
This made me happy!
I was just thinking about your blog, maybe half a week ago. I wondered if I was still subscribed to it, if you ever posted on it, and even if it was still there. Well, I was still subscribed to it. I wonder if your Zelda senses sent out a, "Writing soon, stay tuned" signal.
Every time I go onto blogger, I look for a post from you. I'm so glad you're writing again!
The transition from high school Hayley to adult Hayley is natural, because I think a lot of your readers have grown up with you.
You're amazing. Don't forget that :)
My world (and maybe some critical blood-pumping organs) stopped when I saw you had posted. Your blog is a top-contributor in Obscure Things That Made Me Want To Write (yes, even those written by a much younger, much more frizzy-haired you).
And like two very middle-aged, very untalented characters on the greatest television sitcom of the century once said, "It's never too late, it's never too late for now."
Some strange impulse told me to check blogger even though I haven't done anything on here in months because there would be something new. And there was. And now I'm going to convince myself I'm a psychic. That seems as a good a plan as any.
REALLYYYYYY loved the old house simile. A lot a lot.
You're back! I've really missed this blog and your sarcastic and not sarcastic rambles.
Really, you never sold the house, so it's still yours to use. Please keep blogging!
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Hayley I have missed your blog so much! So excited youre writing again!!
That was amassing
Do you aspire to be a non-rich and non-famous author, though? Just checking because I guess it's been a while since you've talked about writing stuff.
I think I spend a lot of time trying to convince myself that this is real life, now is the only now, etc., but I don't always do a great job. I'm kind of over just getting by and getting through the days, though, so I'm trying to do more things I really like, too. Blogging is one of those things, as is listening to Taylor Swift (I probably would never have started listening to her if it weren't for you, so, like, thanks.)
Anyway, I'm glad you're maybe kinda back, and good luck with life n stuff!
You're damn swell. I liked the house simile.
Oh my god Hayley. Reading this blog just gave me all the nostalgic feelings of younger-me-who-used-to-read-Hayley's-angst. I really do hope you find the time to post more on here, if you can. You (amongst others) were really someone I looked up to, who shaped a lot of how I acted and what I did. I'd like to have your words back again :)
But then again, only write if it's something you want to be doing, of course.
Thanks for this post. Good luck saving money :P
Alex
The link to this blog has been my number one bookmark for the last few years and I've kept it there in hopes that one day you'll start back up again. I'm so glad you're back!
Missed you for a while, Hayley. Would be happy to read this blog again, if you start posting again. Welcome back!
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It's never too late for now.
Glad you're back blogging here!
I feel the exact same way. I feel like I am just waiting to be done with college so I can start my 'real' life and begin chasing my dreams and doing everything I want to do in my life. I have so many lists of things I want to do and places I want to go, I hope one day I get to do them all. But that all requires money, to get money you need a job, and hopefully college will lead to a job. For right now I am hopefully on the right track and one day (hopefully soon) I can start really 'living' my life.
I feel like my whole life has just been waiting. In high school I was waiting for college, now in college I am waiting to graduate and start doing the things I want to do...
I'm glad you posted on here, i've missed reading your posts!
Your blogs always brighten the day. Post em if you've got em.
I love your blog Hayley, keep writing. It makes everyone including yourself, just a little happier.
Hayley -
Right Now is All There Is. live in the Now. Do what you want Now. Be who You Are, Now. There is no past and there is no future, there is only Right Now. :)
I will always stay subscribed to You. no pressure on posting. follow your heart!
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