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Friday, January 20, 2012

Sad?

Just a warning before we begin a slow and tedious spiral into incessant white girl whining: If this is your first time reading my blog, please skip this one. If you're having a good day, please skip this one. If you have a strong (normal) opposition to the language of shitty emo high school diaries, please skip this one. And if there is absolutely anything else you could be doing right now-- like even laundry or filing your toenails or reading the Wikipedia page about wool-- please skip this one. I even linked the wool page, so, like, don't say I didn't give you the choice.

Anyway, here it goes.

Sad is not something I like to be. I'd choose angry or bored or lonely or sick or stabbed-repeatedly-in-the-kneecap-with-toothpicks over Sad. Being sad makes me feel... pathetic? Or needy? Or like I'm a burden to the people I spend enough time around for them to be obligated to care? I know it's irrational to feel guilty for talking about my human emotions in the place where I... write about my human emotions, but there it is. I'm sad and I regret being sad and whdoihadnfjenbfjwe whatever.

Unfortunately, I can't just ignore it this time. My tendency to repress the feelings I don't feel like feeling leads to all this physical evidence. I gain weight, I get dark circles under my eyes, and I actually broke out in hives all over my face last night. Did you hear that? My own skin said Screw this! and tried to escape my body. A little Benadryl later and okay, fine, yes. I admit it, blog. I am sad.

Sorry. I mean. Sorry for saying sorry. I mean. Sorry.

36 comments:

Anna said...

Everyone loves you, don't worry. :)

Rebekah said...

I don't know your thoughts on antidepressants but they saved my life, probably literally.

kira902k said...

Sad is sad. I'm sorry you feel that way. I've been feeling pretty damn sad lately, too, but that could just be pms. xD

Not that I'm anyone to say this (and I feel ridiculous typing it out) but if you ever need someone totally not connected to any of your friends or your life at all, I'm always online somewhere. if you need to let it out or something.
god, that was obnoxious for me to say. I apologize. Ignore that.

Also, I totally get that sentiment of feeling guilty for being sad (and for publicizing it). But as a blog reader, I just wanna say that you shouldn't feel guilty. We're here because we care about you and what you have to say, even if that is complaining about white girl problems.

<3
You rock,

Alex.

Amanda said...

I think you're an awesome girl, and it makes me sad that you're sad. Also, is there someone who should be stabbed-repeatedly-in-the-kneecap-with-toothpicks for making you sad? :)

Louise (@KayleyHydeArmy) said...

Hayley, you're very popular on the internet, for hayleyghoover and fiveawesomegirls and answerly and your blog because you are a wonderful person. It's true that some people are subscribed to you because you sometimes make funny vlogs, but the majority of us follow your life because we like you as a person. That includes when you're bored, lonely, stabbed-repeatedly-in-the-kneecap-with-toothpicks AND sad as well as the good times. You should never be sorry that you're sad- it's just normal. Of course it makes us a bit more sad but that's only because we care what you're feeling. This probably sounds ridiculous coming from just a username: a person who you've never even met, but it's true. There's absolutely no need to be sorry. Much love x

Sylvain said...

I dont know why you are sad and you dont have to share that with your readers, but I figured you could use a cyber hug. :)

*BIG CYBER HUG*

You got it?
Good.
I dont know if even a real hug would make you more happy but I know I would be happy to hug you.
You are one great girl.

Cat said...

I sincerely hope things become better for you soon, Hayley. Surround yourself with positive distractions and keep fighting Sad. You'll win.

Cate said...

I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now. I know it's awful but you're allowed to be sad, and I'm 99.9999% sure (the 0.0001% allowing for the fact that I don't know your friends and family, although I'm reasonably confident they're amazing) that no one thinks you're a burden. I know it's difficult to see it just now but things will get better and you will be okay <3

Rose24 said...

I understand how you feel. Sometimes you need to lock yourself up for a day so that you can escape the world and just watch reruns and eat ice cream and cry. nothing beats a good cry. feel better hayley - we all know you'll bounce back <3

Evelyn said...

Hey, Hayley. You've always been someone I look up to, ever since I started watching 5AG. Your sense of humor, your amazing intelligence and maturity, your understanding, your ability to convey your thoughts in such a way that people want to listen, your beauty, your gracefulness, and your overall friendliness inspires me to no end.

As another person with human emotions, I just wanted to let you know that you shouldn't feel guilty for letting them out. Trust me, holding the sadness in and forcing yourself to be bubbly doesn't help; it only prolongs the issues and the pain. Let yourself feel exactly what you're feeling; don't try to mask it. It will pass.

I believe in you 100%, and I know you can get through anything. You're an incredible person, who deserves to feel exactly what you need to feel. <3

Nicci Weasley said...

I am sad that you are sad :-(
Big hugs and, well, hot chocolate or something...
I hope your sucky sadness doesn't last for too long.
Just remember that we are all allowed to be sad sometimes. And make sure you get some good sleep. That's all the wisdom I have to offer...

anna said...

Sadness is an odd feeling I've never quite understood.

But I guess what I really have to say to you is don't feel guilty for "whining" about being sad. Sometimes you just have to let people know. Even if "people" means the internet. Don't apologize for writing what you know and what you feel.

Amie said...

Oh, Hayley. If it's any comfort, I am sad too. I'm totally in the same place as you right now, and I know how much it sucks. I want more than anything to be happy again, but can't for the life of me find anything to be happy about. You're not a nuisance or a whiner, you're a human. With human emotions. I'll be sending positive vibes your way as we struggle through this one together :)

Niki. said...

Wow this sounds a lot like how I've been feeling lately. Or, well, a little longer than lately.

Anyway. I don't know what I could say to help so I'll go with a sort of generic but also genuine statement - I'm really sorry that you feel sad and I hope you feel better soon. I know it's easy to feel guilty but there really is no need to. We all care about you and are more than willing to listen (or, well, read). <3

Kathy S said...

*hugs*

sterff1face said...

I don't like telling people how to feel, because I know how annoyed that makes me when I'm unhappy, but I'll just say that I think it's good that you're talking about it - be to your blog readers or anyone else.

Bridget said...

Been there, done that, will likely do it again. No need to be ashamed of your emotions. Accept the way your feeling, understand it, find the cause, and find a way to overcome it. If it helps read this: http://the-frenemy.com/post/6965895876/when-youre-alone
You may have seen it already since it's circling around Tumblr, but it's a good read.

Katie said...

Today is awesome because I got to read a HayleyGHoover blog. (This may not be the best way to cheer you up but it's still an attempt on my part, so there you have it.) It may not have been as funny or uplifting as her other blogs, but it was a blog nonetheless and just reading her words (because they are lovely and oozing with talent & passion, despite the topic) is always nice & something I look forward to.

Miranda said...

Okay, this is going to sound soooo corny, but I have so been there! I am pretty hard on myself and I feel selfish when I am not happy or cheery, as I am afraid it will put a burden on others. It's like, a tug of war between your rational self and your emotions.
Feel better.
Miranda<3

Alexis said...

We all have a tendency to invalidate our own feelings. And I don't know how to fix that, but you're free to let them out in whatever outlet you choose. I truly hope things start looking up for you soon, Hayley. Just as you're willing to support any of your friends and family going through a hard time, they're entirely there for you as well. Best wishes. xx

Anonymous said...

I don't know what you're going through, but I too have been sad lately. I can't find what makes me happy in life and it is extremely depressing. I'm about to get married, I'm going to college, I have a job, a loving family, blah blah blah. I have everything that is supposed to make someone happy, but on several occasions every single day, I want to break down and cry. I have been trying to find something every single day to make myself happy, but even though that sounds like it would be so easy to most people, it is actually really freaking hard. LIke I said, I don't know what you're going through, but I hope we can both pull through out funks. Being sad is just well... sad.

Cat said...

I feel you. It's like, I'm sad. But I don't want to be sad. But I have to be sad. But I don't want to be sad. But I can't help it. and then you just end up mad for being sad, but not happy like you want.

Anyway, sending all my love your way <3

Sara said...

Aw, I want to give you a virtual hug and say, "Don't be sad." But we all know it's not as easy as that. However, I can give you a virtual hug and let you be as sad as you need to be right now and hope you feel better soon.

Kenzly said...

hey Hayley! im sorry you arnt feeling like your usual self. I just know you will feel better in time. I actually wanted to thank you for introducing me to Livestrong.com! iv been using the "my plate" almost every day and im glad to report that i have lost 8 pounds using it, which makes me feel happy. I know this probably wont make you get out of your slump, but i really want you to know that you have helped me get out of mine :)

Bethany said...

I've been having this problem but with feeling Anxious. It goes like this. I feel so stressed and I'm getting ulcers and I'm nauseaus and everything is crazy and I have no control and Why do I feel so Anxious. I shouldn't be feeling anxious. I should be happy. I need to stop feeling anxious. I'm so Anxious about being anxious. Repeat until spiraled into anxiety death pit. .

Rosianna said...

Let's eat caterpillar cake together and you can make me say any word you like (that sounds dirtier than I intended it to be but whatever). ily.

Cath said...

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Thank you for telling me how I sometimes feel, because I feel this and I can't put it into words and now I can.
But we all need to let the sadness out sometimes. I hate keeping it in, but I hate letting it out even more.
I know you can't say "I feel the same way" because I don't know why you feel this way, and to be honest - do any two people ever really feel the same way? And if so, how would we know?
But I feel you. I understand. I have (sort of) been there, and I will be there again.

Typical life of boy teenagers said...

I love love love it when you're honest like this hayley, reminds me of the good old days. Love you and I hope things get better.

Stacie said...

I'm sad to hear that you're sad. And don't feel bad about posting about it! A blog is there for you to write out your thoughts on anything you want, and I enjoy reading what you have to say. :)
I hope you're happy again soon!

maggiehanna said...

Stop saying sorry, because you don't need to be for feeling sad and wanting to get it out. :-)

Sewn Branches said...

cures for sadness:

-chocolate
-watch ridiculous* videos on the internet
-drink excessive amounts of tea
-putting on ridiculous music and shakin' your groove thang
-did I mention chocolate?
-the fact that Kim Jong-Il tried to convince the world that he played the best round of golf EVER (11 holes in one and a total score of 38) the first time he ever played golf. i mean, come on, i laughed out loud.
-pictures of ducklings. they are so dang fuzzy.

take two of those and call me in the morning if you're still feeling down.

*I mean, traditional irish dancing and skrillex? but they sure can dance...

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Jonny Gannett said...

I'm weird for thinking like this probably, but I looked specifically for a post where you showed some kind of negative emotion, some kind of angst or hurt. I sort of have a thing where I love things that are shitty, just like flat out terrible and suck. I love the fact that you're so positive in your videos, I only just started watching you today and now I had to find as much out about you as I could because I just can't get enough of you. Being in your "presence" if you will, intoxicates me. Something I'm not scared to tell you. So where I'm going with this response is; I wanted to see if you do human emotions besides the good ones. Because, I love you in your videos and you are like flawless and it's incredible, and the truth is I'm just much wiser than I was as a teen. I'm 19 and turning 20 in August. So I'm a little younger than you are, and not nearly as successful, and I must admit it makes me unhappy, to put it mildly, because I hate that I let my life get to far out of hand. I'm like the opposite of you Hayley. I've stayed in my depression for 4 years because happiness was weird, something for reasons unknown to me just something I am kind of afraid to let myself be. In fact I don't think I'll really ever be happy again in my life because of the negativity I've let myself go to. But I want you to know; you inspire me, you inspire me to want to be better than I am. To work harder in my life, to finish the highschool I never had, to try and get into the real world for the first time and just live my life differently. I'm sad Hayley, and I hate to tell you that. I'm depressed, and have been for years now. It's been so hard. I could have used it better I think. I've learned and become very knowledgeable about facts, I'm a good reader, at least good enough that I could read Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows in a week, which to me is better than I've ever done. I read all 7 of the books in like 2 or 3 months, 4 through 7 in like the last maybe 3 weeks. I know there's a high probability you'll never read this, and that also makes me sad, very sad, but I have always hoped even when I had no reasons to keep hoping. I doubt I'll get my life together yet. You have inspired me but I'd be a fool to think I could just change 4 or 5 years of a terrible lifestyle. I also have to say, I'm a guy, and not a gay one. So it's probably weird me being into your stuff, but I am, and not just cause I like the opposite sex or think you're hot, which is not technically true, because I think you're beautiful, so beautiful I was breathless the first moment I saw your video tonight. I've watched a lot of them now. My name's Jonny. I'm 19 years old and I have suffered with depression for 5 years or so. I've become negative, and I think I will come around though, I think I will realize, maybe even in this year that I can change almost anything I want if I try. I suppose I'll just post this now and hope that maybe by some profound miracle, some very unlikely but wonderful chance, that you'll really see this. I want you to know that I love you. I love your personality, and your beautiful. I've only known you for a few hours and never spoke to you, but I know you're a really good person, and you're the kind of person I want to be. So I hope you are happy because you're truly so wonderful. You've touched my heart, and I thank you for that. And you've touched 100,000 hearts. So you should know you're lucky. <3

Jonny Gannett said...
This comment has been removed by the author.