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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Being It

I worry sometimes that I'm going to start coming off as phony if I keep up this "I love you I love you I love you" habit where my blog readers are concerned, but I can't stress enough how genuinely I feel that way. I can write the melancholiest post of Debbie Downer proportions, full of emo ass similes and all the works, and yet there you guys go, leaving heartfelt, kind comments like I did anything real to deserve them. This dumb little blog is such a happy vacation place for me-- a cozy corner of the Internet with comfy chairs and hot tea and amusing people-- and you guys make it that way. So I'll say it once again, even if it sounds like pandering, because I am just never able to get the point across as strongly as I mean it: I love you, I love you, I love you. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to care about me, and a special thank you to everyone who commented on my last post.*

Got it? Okay, now get over yourselves. I have other things to say.

I'm still nowhere near unsad-- I don't see myself getting to that point in the near future-- but for the rest of this week, I've been doing a good job of ignoring it and moving on. I'm the kind of busy where I just don't have time to be miserable. I'm going to class (spending most of the lecture neglecting my notes in order to write to-do lists and Answerly videos [or organizing different aspects of the book]), doing the homework that accompanies three literature classes (and Linguistics!), training for the half-marathon I plan to complete this year, and devoting every other free second to reading and editing submissions for my short story compilation. I've actually had to turn down offers for dates because I just can't squeeze them into my schedule. Did you read that? Did you let that soak in? People who have been following me around the Internet since I was in high school are probably drowning in their own drool from the shock of it. I have become that cynical bitch in romantic comedies who "doesn't have TIME for love!" because her job kicks too much ass, and I'm kind of really savoring being able to say so.

See, another good distraction from a personal crisis is working hard for something and proving to yourself that you kind of rock a little bit. I keep shivering from these little waves of self-actualization whenever I cross another item off my list of goals.** And you know what? I'm doing good things. I wanted to be a published editor so I'm being one. I wanted to find a way to help other writers get their work read so I'm doing it. I want to be a serious runner so I'm becoming one. I want to show the source of my sadness-- and the whole rest of the world-- that I am capable of accomplishing what I set out to accomplish. So you know what, depression? Kiss my ass.

On that Tyra Banks-like note, I have to wrap this up so I can get back to reading submissions. The contest closes in exactly one week, so I'm trying to get everything under control before the really hard stuff begins! Yikes. Anyway, thank you once again for reading my ramblings and caring about the life of a stranger. This week, I challenge you to find something you want to be and to take the first steps towards being it. Seriously, it's the best medicine I can think of.

Keep being awesome and keep kicking ass.


*Anna, Rebekah, Alex, Amanda, Louise, Sylvain, Cat, Cate, Rose24, Evelyn, Nicci, another Anna, Amie, Niki, Kathy, sterff1face, Bridget, Katie, Miranda, Alexis, an anonymous commenter, another Cat, Sara, Kenzly, Bethany, Rosianna (<3), Cath, Typical life of boy teenagers, and Stacie.
**Although, come to think, that might be a symptom of a concussion. I've had two car accidents this month! But those are stories for another day.

49 comments:

mariathegreek said...

you go glen coco *fist bump*

Amber said...

Dang, I would love to submit a story, but I don't think I'll have time to get one polished up. It's exam time for us high-schoolers, after all.

But it's awesome to hear that you're doing things you love. I'm always impressed by how you approach goals with a sense of humour and optimism.

Caroline said...

Hayley YOU WIN. Everything you just wrote is what I hope to be feeling some time soon. I can sense myself falling back into depression for the first time in about three years and it scares me so much and ugh, I like maybe teared up a bit at the end of this post. This was just so relevant to my life....I can't come up with the right way to say this but thank you for writing exactly what I needed to read right now.
And congrats on kicking depression's ass :)

Amber said...

Ooh! Wait, wait, wait, I can solve this whole exam/ story writing conflict business. *whips out time-turner*

Stefan said...

You've done such a good job entertaining us over the years it always makes me happy that we can pay it back in any way.

Thanks to Hayley and every other people who posts comments here. It's so nice to have such a nice place on the internet.

sterff1face said...

I'm liking this 'more than one blog post a month' thing that seems to be happening here... :P
And on the note of your extreme productiveness and all, I just have to say giddit gurl.
That's right. Gurl with a 'u'. I said it.

Rida said...

*high five*

Valerie said...

Hayley, thank you for this. I've gotten some terrible news this week and have felt like wallowing. I hate wallowing though- it feels gross! So I think I will adopt your strategy: ignore it and focus on things that are important to me. I spend way to much time sitting around, watching Netflix in my bed. I've been wanting to get more involved at my school, get back in shape, etc. Your blog post has given me the kick in the butt I needed. So sincerely, thank you. You say you love me, well, I love you!

Now, as far as the "getting asked out on dates" thing... Well, that still never happens for me, haha.

Lys said...

I realize this is not the focus of your post, but it's cool for me to hear you're taking Linguistics. I'm double-majoring in Ling-Anthro and English, and I've found that the two combine in really weird and interesting ways. I was about to have a heart attack today in Modernism lecture when my prof. linked (subtly) Gertrude Stein and Franz Boas!

Anyway, on a less nerdy note, go you! Also, I've always sort of liked it when you call it "this dumb blog." Sounds cozy.

Jordiekins said...

Okay, let's start out with the sad: last month, two of my grandmothers passed away.

Now, the happy: for the last week or so, I've been working on an entry for your contest. You and Kristina have given me my first bit of genuine happiness that I have had since. So thank you Hayley (and if you somehow read this, Kristina), and I hope you don't find my entry to be as crappy as I do. I'll be sending it in soon!

Steph said...

Wow! Congrats to you and kicking depression's ass :) It's actually really inspiring! I believe you should be requesting the highest of fives. (I really hope that you like How I Met Your Mother, or that'll sound silly) :D

seurat2 said...

Hayley, I haven't commented in a long time but I want you to know that I read every one of these and still slightly in awe of your advanced degree of awesome. I hope things look up for you soon and I know if hard work and a kickass attitude will help, then you've got it made.

Kali said...

Amazingly enough, moments before reading this beautifully inspiring blog post, I took a step forward in becoming who I want to be by telling my parents I want to drop out of college. Not that I aspire to be a college drop-out or anything, but more like I don't want to be the person who wastes her parents' money on a degree she doesn't even remotely care about.
We can be what we've always wanted to be, Hayley! It's an exciting and terrifying thing. But mostly exciting. :)

Katie said...

Aw, I like how you thanked us by name. You're great. :)

I'm sorry you're still in a low place, but it's good to hear that you're being productive and doing well, despite the sucky feelings. And thanks for issuing the challenge of taking the first step towards what you want to be. I just realized today that I've gained 20 pounds since graduating college & starting my first desk job...so the person I want to be is a healthier eater and more active and more productive in general when it comes to the hours at home after clocking out from work. Get off the couch and get better, me! You're/I'm better than this!

Your post and a livestrong email I got today that said, "make excuses or work harder" is good inspiration for past/present-Katie to get up and be proactive in being the future-Katie I aspire to be. Thanks, stranger. (I say that in a mocking-but-playful way because that's what you referred to us blog readers as, but you know there's something more going on here. Do we need to have a DTR? I think we do. We're at LEAST at like, mutual secret admirer status or something.)

Best wishes <3

Rachel said...

Thank you so much for inspiring me to get my ass into shape and get the things I about which I daydream done!

Emma said...

We love you too. Happy or sad.

I tend towards depression too, and I spent a lot of my last semester like that (not to mention nearly all of high school), but like you I'm learning that just getting out there and doing things that get me closer to what I've always wanted to do make a big difference. Turning in my study abroad application for London this week after basically a lifetime of desperately longing to go there. It feels amazing.

letsflyoutofthistown said...

I am only a casual reader of your blog so I miss posts sometimes. Which is why I have only now just realized something serious has happened in your life. I have been following you for a while now, from the beginning of 5AG to Answerly. So even though you don't know me, I feel as though you are one of my closest friends. Therefore it upsets me to know you are going through a rough time. I do not know what has happened. I can only imagine the worst, but I hope that my imagination is getting the best of me. Just know that you have a lot of fans out there and that we all love and support you. It takes courage for one to be able to continue after receiving bad news. Something from which I can observe; you are doing greatly. You are a true Gryffindor, never lose hope.
Lots of love,
Tiffany

nelamonster said...

I love you, I love you, I love you, Hayley.

The last paragraph is the best advice I've gotten recently.
How come you had two car accidents? Are you okay?

Also, turning down dates? PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

Nicci Weasley said...

Yay for kicking ass.
BUT i have to disagree with you. You imply that you haven't done anything real to deserve our support and care. I disagree 100%. Just wanted to say that, but of course, no reason to argue about it.
You are awesome, and the internet is awesome for letting me feel like I get to be part of your life, if even just a very very tiny part.
You know what, I think you just inspired me to start training for a half marathon.
That's how awesome you are!
<3
(Also, HI NELA in the comment above, let's be friends! Oh wait, we ARE! Damn, I love the internet...)

Scumbag Sam said...

Jeez, and I thought I was bad-ass with my schedule. You are such a go getter it's quite the inspiration. Wish I'd had time to submit a story for the book, but meh! Maybe next time? :P

Louise (@KayleyHydeArmy) said...

That was so sweet to name us all xD Hayley, I LOVE YOU. Kay, just putting that out there. Just, you win at life, Hayley. You win at life.

Cece said...

I was literally standing in front of my mirror last night telling myself I had to be more determined and focused and get off my incredible lazy ass and actually get something done.

You are amazing, Hayley. I cannot tell you how much I respect you.

Marian said...

I love your updates. Keep doing what you do. It's very inspiring!

madhu~ said...

honestly, this might be one of the greatest blog posts to ever be made...ever. you should have started it with the disclaimer: IF YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY, IT IS ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL YOU READ THIS.

not that i was having a bad day. but it did make me feel like i can kick ass. which was the desired effect i suppose? so YAY FOR HAYLEY ACCOMPLISHING YET ANOTHER THING!!!! :)

Kirstin said...

You know what? I think you made it on my heroes list. I suffer from depression., and I wish I had your Outlook. You make me want to work harder, and not let the depression win.

Kara said...

I've been kind of in the same place as you recently. Except without the romantic suitors and the book editing and marathon training. A really, really mellow version of the place you're in. But I've been trying to ignore/channel my sadness into more fun/productive things.

I want to be a writer. It's been a thing that I've wanted since I can remember, but I rarely actually do anything that could qualify me as a writer (like, say, write). I've generally got the depression, the feelings swaying from self-loathing to I-am-the-greatest-human-being-alive-ever, the procrastination and brooding, the I-could-do-so-much-better attitude and the squeeful creative moments, but I don't actually write all that much. Or not as much as I want to. I'm starting to change that already, though, because I am finally piecing together ideas that I just had randomly strewn about, and making them into actual things. And I'm working to submit at least one story for the book. So, thanks for that. :)

(Also, yesterday I did a speech kind of about depression and life and stuff in my last high school English class ever, and it was freaking great.)

GillianisAslan said...

Nice Catcher in the Rye reference. Could also apply to Prep. You and your literary prowess.

Life is such a fucking roller coaster then it drops. - Lil Wayne

Hanan said...

I just discovered your blog!
Woohoo! Today must be my lucky day,
Well Hayley, I'm sending ya lots o' love from half-way across the world =)

Lauren said...

I'm glad things are starting to turn around, Hayley; you deserve an infinite amount of success and happiness :) As for your to-do list, it seems like you're motivating yourself really well, but stay positive!

(I was about to write "stay positive and achieve your dreams". Gross, I'm turning into a Disney Channel Original Movie.)

Kathy Schneider said...

I'm glad that I was able to make you feel a little better :)

maggie said...

you rock hayley!

PJ Scott-Blankenship said...

HAYLEY. IT HAPPENED. I AM IT NOW TOO AS WELL SAME.

Niki. said...

Go Hayley! Congrats on going after the things you want to be!

Ellen said...

That's the spirit! I do the same thing (sort of) in my lectures. Sometimes I think lectures were created to give you more time to get organized.

I'm glad you've decided to not let your saddness control your life. Focusing on staying busy is the best way I've found to counter The Sad, and it's refreshing to see someone not let The Sad swallow them up. You're a very strong lady, and I am confident that you'll get through whatever tough times come at you. Keep kicking ass, Hayley.

Sylvain said...

WOW that made my day seeing my name at the end of your blog. :)
Im glad you read my comment and that somehow it made you feel a bit better.
BTW are you still studying French in college?
I have been following you (mainly on YT) for years and I remenber that you mentionned a few times that you were studying french, im not sure if it was in highschool or not.
Anyway, im one of your French reader and viewer, so if I can do anything to help you with your studies regarding the French language let me know.
I would be happy to help if I can.
That will leave you more time for dating and other stuff. ;)

bassrocks9 said...

Is it weird that the fact that you are all cheered up (well, not completely, but a lot) and self-actualized actually cheers me up a lot? I'm sitting in my school library doing physics homework, feeling tired and depressed, and like there is no end to the tunnel, but reading your post about getting things DONE and completing your goals really made me smile. :)

Bridget said...

Haha that first comment! 4 FOR YOU GLEN COCO! Yes, keep kicking ass! I hope you'll be feeling like yourself again soon. Depression sucks, but you don't have to. (That sounded witty in my head, but now it sounds sexual... posting it anyway.)

-- Is it really lame that I got super excited reading my name at the end of that?

Marie said...

Is it weird if I say I'm proud of you? Because I am. I may be some strange person from the interwebz, but I've been reading your blog since you started it and I feel like I can say I'm proud of you without it being incredibly weird.

Also, car accidents?!

Zazeezoo said...

I am so so proud of you, Hayley. It may be weird for a stranger on the internet to say so, but I am.

You rock everything that you do.

Way to be. :)

maggiehanna said...

I know that you are not wanting to share with the internet what has happened but I am glad that you are feeling better and that you are kicking depression's ass! :-)

Anonymous said...

this is the first blog post of yours i've read (came here from rosi's) and the nice stuff you said about your blog readers made me want to be one, plus you have a great attitude ;)

Lydia said...

Oddly enough, I am trying to do that by entering your competition, something I will probably be too scared to actually do.

You are serious anti-wallow inspiration. Even when you do wallow. Thank you :)

OuterLegsRace said...

Long, (read: looooooong) time reader, first time commenter. I just want to say thank you for your blog and honesty - GO YOU! It's awesome to hear someone else deal with certain things successfully.

Rebecca said...

Fantastic attitude, it makes me want to get stuff done in my own life.

Hailea said...

"So you know what, depression? Kiss my ass." Thank you for saying this. It made my day. :)

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