Things That Are Always Funny

I finished an important paper for class mere seconds ago, and I still owe you fine people a blog post. We have exactly thirty minutes on the clock until the day is over.* Let's pump this baby out.**

To keep things quick and light-hearted, I will now improvise a list. Ten Things That Are Always Funny:

1. Personal websites from the 1990s. Close your eyes (except not really, idiot) and imagine this. Highlighter green background. Page takes several long seconds to load, and when it does, some wretched midi file begins playing automatically. Yellow, bolded Comic Sans scrolls by on a looping marquee, proudly stating, "Welcome to my Site!" Somewhere inconvenient, a graphic of, I don't know, the globe or something, rotates. A broken link surrounded by a purple box offers to take you "Home." Across the bottom is a pasted copyright symbol and a hotmail address in underlined blue. Always funny.
2. The phrase "according to science." I've discussed this in videos, I've made reference to this in videos, and I will continue to use this in videos wherever applicable. I don't know why it cracks me up, exactly-- maybe it's just the perfect testament to America's arrogant ignorance? Whatever the reason, I can assure you that if you're ever in a pinch to make me laugh, begin your sentence with "According to science...." Always funny.
3. Similarly, the word "fetus." Always funny.
4. 30 Rock. Those of you who've been following me for a while know all about my undying devotion to Tina Fey, but this year, that devotion has spread to the entire cast and writing team of her sitcom. I've now seen every episode at least five times. I beg you, if you've never given 30 Rock a chance, get your butt on Netflix and work your way through. Absolutely worth it. Always funny.
5. The way I still, at age twenty, have to thoroughly think through whether midnight is 12pm or 12am. Not always something I'm proud to admit, but always funny.
6. People with sexy foreign accents trying to force a bad American accent. Always funny.
   
7. The fact that a large group of clever, interesting, smart people are willing to come back every single day for an entire month just to hear what some girl in Ohio ate for lunch. I know I say that a lot, but it's because it marvels me a lot. Always inspiring, always funny.
8. Babies wearing bunny ears. As my father once said, "A baby wearing bunny ears is always good for a guffaw." Also, always funny.
9. The way I bare my teeth like a ravenous wolf every time I look at cheese. There was a not-even-kidding silver platter of grilled cheese sandwiches at my dining hall today. Instead, I ate fruit and zucchini bread for breakfast, red grapes and quinoa with beans and corn for lunch, a big ol' sandwich*** with chips and a banana for dinner, and a block of dark chocolate while doing homework. But when I saw the forty-some passersby with ice cream cones this afternoon? I almost punched someone out. Almost punching someone out? Always funny.
10. The way I just shoved the list of what I ate today into this list (listception!) and still have three minutes left before midnight. CHAMPION! ALWAYS FUNNY!

Okay, wow, I didn't think I could pull that off. I'm gonna go run a victory lap (and by that I mean sleep). I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!


Chipotle burritos this year: 5.5
Subscribers: 48,620
Nail color: "Samoan Sand," OPI
Miles run today: 4

*This sentence reminds me of Global GUTS.
**This sentence reminds me of this.
***Hummus, cucumbers, tomatos, spinach, carrots, green peppers, red onion.