Just bein' Miley

Hello, kids. Today I took a complicated test on a complicated book. Luckily,

Oh, goody. I was going to say "I don't think I did that poorly," but I stopped in the middle to check if it'd been graded already. I got a D. On an ENGLISH test. Faaaantastic. On the bright side, it was the last real assignment I'll ever have to do in high school. On the not-so-bright side, I now have a C. In English. Kick me in the face. I'm totally not in the mood for blogging anymore at the present time. Here's another editorial I wrote yesterday for my school's newspaper:

Unless you’re elderly or a Pokemon master, chances are you know quite a bit about Miley Cyrus. At the age of sixteen, she has over 196,000,000 Google search results. According to Forbes magazine, she’s the world’s fifteenth richest person under the age of 25. Her TV show, Hannah Montana, has pulverized the Disney channel’s previous ratings. Both of her albums, Meet Miley Cyrus (2007) and Breakout (2008) went straight to number one. Her face is practically wallpaper at Wal-Mart and Claire’s. She’s starred in two feature films and sold out concert locations all across the country.

Oh yeah, and a lot of people hate her.

I’ll admit—when Cyrus first came on the scene as Hannah Montana in 2006, I thought she was annoying. Lots of mouthy overacting in the style of Raven-Symone, highly-edited children’s motivational songs, and one of those prepubescent ribcage-y body types: it all seemed enough for me to dismiss. Little did I know that Disney’s ability to reel in audiences of all ages would lead to my own succumbing to Miley Mania.

Though it was at first against my will, I found myself frequently impressed by Cyrus’s interview performance. She doesn’t answer questions like a ditz. She carries herself with a womanlike maturity while still trying to live down to America’s expectations for her to be a little girl.

The general public has formed the common misconception that Cyrus can’t sing. I understand why this would be assumed, as her most widely heard music is from when she was fourteen years old. Quite contrarily, however, Cyrus performs the majority of her concerts live and successfully. When was the last time Britney Spears even had her headset microphone turned on at a show? Cyrus beautifully delivered her new single, “The Climb,” at the children’s inaugural concert this winter, under an enormous amount of pressure, and the audience was visibly shaken.

It should also be noted that Cyrus wrote and cowrote the majority of both her albums, which is a pretty monumental feat for a young actress, especially considering that her competition, people like Jamie Lynn Spears and Lindsay Lohan-- who are respectively pregnant with a second illegitimate child and a rehab patient—have never penned a meaningful word in their lives. While somewhat trivial, (Who didn’t laugh when they heard “My best friend Leslie said, ‘Oh, she’s just bein’ Miley’?”) Cyrus’s lyrics speak to the souls of pre-teen girls everywhere. She sings about skateboarding after school; not indiscriminate sex.

Which brings us to the inevitable discussion of her sexy Internet photos. Last year, a set of photographs were leaked to the web, picturing Cyrus posing for a girlfriend’s digital camera with hints of her undergarments purposely showing. Yes, parents have reason to be cautious when their daughters’ favorite star is seen in a lime green bra, but in my opinion, the whole ordeal was wildly blown out of proportion. The pictures, while racy, were nothing you wouldn’t see on the Myspace pages of half our student body. They’re a far cry from child pornography, and incomparable to High School Musical’s Vanessa Hudgens’s nude photos. The real crime in this situation is that members of the media are exploiting the childish mistakes of a child for their own benefit.

While it is evident that Miley Cyrus has some growing up to do, I honestly cannot foresee a drug meltdown or head-shaving in her future. Being in the public eye 24/7, the self-proclaimed Christian teen deserves a medal for having so few strikes against her decency record to date. My advice? Leave her alone. She’s just bein’ Miley.

Weight: I don't know right now.

Chipotle burritos this year: 15

Subscribers: 15,732

Days left of high school: 16

Bye, guys! Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow. Proooom niiiiight.

It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken

I decided to save a special surprise for the last day of BEDA. I'm pregnant.

...No, I'm not. But I'm not just doing Blog Every Day April. I'm doing Blog Every Day Ever. BEDE. Or at least Blog Every Day Ever Almost. I'm doing BEDEA. Writing in this blog all month has consistently been one of the best parts of my day, and I'm not going to stop. It's relieving-- setting aside a few minutes to self-reflect and amuse the most loyal of my internet followers, all while making a little bit of ad revenue and keeping up to date on the lives of my friends. Plus, the entries of this blog are so ME. What you read is what you get. So thanks, Maureen Johnson. I die without you. (Heeheehee. Get it? A Rent joke? Because her name is Maureen Johnson? Heh?)

I thought I'd get that out of the way so you didn't hate me for making this post so short and boring. If you're still mad, here's something funny to distract you. 

Okay, so I put off doing my heaps and heaps of AP English homework due tomorrow until the last second again, and instead read the book I got from the library yesterday. I made an excuse for myself by writing a review of it for my school newspaper. I cannot fathom why you would care, but here it is:

"Once upon a time, I got royally dumped. We were together, we were happy, and then we weren’t. Like most self-respecting young women, I made sure he knew what he was missing by leaving him teary, nonsensical middle-of-the-night voicemails including catch phrases like “I know you better than you do!” and “You’ll remember that we belong together!” I talked my friends’ ears off, I ate a lot of cheese fries, and I listened to Demi Lovato. And then I discovered It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: a girl’s self-help book by the author of He’s Just Not That Into You, Greg Behrendt.

Since its publication in 2005, this book has been saving lives like my own the world over. With step-by-step instructions for getting rid of his junk (return the laptop, toss the nail-clippers, box up the photographs), lists of things to do instead of stalk him (take up yoga, redecorate your bedroom) and a recipe for sorrow-drowning brownies, Because It’s Broken is the perfect manual for any psychopath.

One chapter, entitled “Why You Shouldn’t Call Him—And What He’s Thinking When You Do,” provides a link to a website where readers can download ringtones for their phones. “Really?” one ringtone shouts. “You’re gonna answer it? Is that what we’re doing now—backsliding? Really, we’re just gonna chuck our self-esteem out the window?”

Sure, many aspects of the book are undeniably corny. Behrendt frequently refers to the reader as “Superfox” and “Hot Stuff,” for example, and one page is a crossword puzzle that leads to writing out “I deserve better.” But at the end of the day, if the options are making another lonely 3AM phone call and calling yourself “Saucy Girl,” one is ultimately healthier than the other.

So if you’re still lipsynching to “All By Myself” in the kitchen wearing holey pajamas and remnants of your ice cream pint, run down to the library and pick up a copy of It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken. You’re broken up. It’s over. It’s time for an Extreme Home Breakover."

Criticisms? Comments? I see that a lot of you went out and got Sloppy Firsts after I suggested it, so I think I can trust your taste. On an unrelated note (I just didn't want too many short paragraphs; they're ugly), sorry for not making a 5AG video today. Waaay too busy. I'll hopefully post a video this weekend with footage of my prom, which is Saturday.

Sexy: The Office. Not the characters (Jim reminds me way too much of my brother!) and not the... building... but, like, the essence of the show itself.

Unsexy: Hilary Duff. Ever. Sorry, sweetie. You tried.

Weight: 139

Chipotle burritos this year: 14

Subscribers: 15,704

Days left of high school: 17

Bye, guys! See you tomorrow. <3

Singin' in the library

I'm at the library. No particular reason, other than that I look kind of foxy today (See that, people who comment on my lack of self-esteem? See that?) and didn't want to just sit at home, putting it to waste. I'm in the far back, shoved into a little cubicle, beside two special needs men who are singing separate songs at hilariously loud, unlibrary-like levels. It's really cute and sweet. The man directly on my left is now reading aloud the title of every movie coming out this summer. "I want to see Star Trek!" he just proclaimed, punching the air triumphantly. I'm not kidding; this is adorable. Vastly superior to doing homework at the kitchen table.

Here's some fun news for the day: I forgot The Exboyfriend's birthday! I woke up frantically this morning, like Shit shit shit, I forgot his birthday! April 26th! Shit! Then I opened my eyes, exhaled deeply, and smiled like a madwoman. I forgot his birthday! That's a serious step on the road to recovery. I'm no longer pouring over a large plate of cheese fries with a soggy copy of He's Just Not That Into You. I've progressed all the way to forgetting his birthday and checking It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken out of the library, where I'm currently sitting on a chair from the 1970s that bares a suspicious maroon stain.

I'm home now, lacking people singing, creepy remnants of bodily fluids, and the fourteen dollars I'd accumulated in library fines. Who would have thought that the Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus Best of Both Worlds Tour DVD in 3D could take so much out of my pocket for being just a few months late? Note to self: return Miles to Go on time. I'm just kidding. I didn't take out the Miley Cyrus autobiography. ...It's on hold.

Anyway, I just saw a commercial for a contest Hershey's is holding to win a S'MORES PARTY with RASCAL FLATTS. Although I'm not the world's hugest Rascal Flatts fan, I saw them in concert once and it was awesome. I am, however, THE WORLD'S HUGEST S'MORES FAN. Someone go win that for me.

Sexy: Dessert sandwiches made of chocolate and melted marshmallows folded between two graham crackers. Oh, and men who eat them in mass quantities.

Unsexy: Having a personal corndog fryer in your home kitchen.

Weight: 138

Chipotle burritos this year: 14

Subscribers: 15,677

Days left of high school: 18

Bye, guys! See you (hopefully in both blog and video) tomorrow. <3

Kelly caught a fugitive!

My mother's making a scrapbook of my life for my graduation present. Although she shoos me away anytime I sneak a peek, at the end of the day she should know better than to conduct secret business in the middle of the kitchen. She's currently working on the pages for my school musicals, and the two of us just broke out into the Pippin finale. My mother and I are very different people, so when we have something in common (our love for theatre, our callings to work with abused children) I get kind of giddy. I like my mom.

In REALLY EXCITING NEWS, my sister sent me a text today, proclaiming, "I caught a fugitive!" I called to find out what was going on, and apparently she was sitting on her lawn at school and an escapee, dressed in his prison garb, ran past her. She called 911, and while it was still ringing, a cop pulled up next to her, chased the guy down the raggedy hill in Kelly's backyard, and tased the bro. She's quoted (sounding like the world's biggest ditz) on the front page of her city's news site.

"Ohio University students Courtney Walter and Kelly Hoover were busy studying outside their sorority house in Athens around 1 p.m. Tuesday, when they saw a man running down the street. 'I thought, Oh, somebody's late for class,' Hoover said. 'Then I'm like-- I think he's handcuffed!'"

So remember, kids: don't run past a sorority house next time you're handcuffed. One of 'em will talk to the press, sounding like a valley girl, and humiliate you further.

In youtubely news, I'm plotting a half-emo, half-funny video about recovering from breakups. I think it'll be a liberating experience for me, as well as a good outlet for the equally-scorned commenters. Also, Nikki (babyporridge) posted a new song, and, as expected, it's beyond beautiful. "Human condition says we're destined to be lonely, but maybe I don't want to be a part of this affliction," the song says. "I'd rather be destined to spend my life inspired." I want to be her.

Re: yesterday's blog commets, I have a few things to say: 1) Thank you, and 2) LOL. You guys are both hilarious and provide some good insights. The reason I trusted you, the blog readers, with in-depth information about my personal life... is because you're my favorites. Don't repeat that, but it's true. I think the hierarchy of how much I take input from strangers into consideration goes 1) blog readers, 2) twitter followers, 3) youtube subscribers, and 4) everyone else. You have to care about someone to bother reading their blogs. I therefore adore you. 

Re: yesterday's blog content: we'll see. And to Rufus, who asked what I'm going to do about prom, we're in luck-- the Boy and the Prom Date are the Same Person. :) OH, and I'm so sorry to anyone who clicked on the unsexy link yesterday. Y'all got what I've decided to call foot-rolled.

Sexy: Playing instruments. For one, passion and talent are always attractive, and it takes both to pursue learning to play. For two, the movements required to make noise come out of an instrument are similar to the movements required to make noise come out of a woman. (I'm sorry if my awkward pervy humor is catching some of you off guard. It's a pretty well-kept secret most of the time.)

Unsexy: Athletic shorts paired with nice shirts. Really, guys? Really?

Weight: 139

Chipotle burritos this year: 13

Subscribers: 15,635

Days left of high school: 19

Bye, guys! See you tomorrow. <3

Boyfriendishthingalmost?

I sort of have a boyfriendishthingalmost. Did you know that? Of course you didn't know that, because I've never told you. I've never told you, because I'm still training myself to say it. We've been playing the whole run-around-in-circles,-everyone-sees-it-but-us,-let's-give-'em-something-to-talk-about emotional schmorgusboard for, like... six years. And now high school is nearly over, and it's about time that the inevitable couple go for it.

Anyway, he's tall-- somewhere between six foot and 6'2"-- and, yeah, he's cute. An obvious fact that I somehow didn't notice until this year, when every single freshman and sophomore girl suddenly started desperately flirting with him. He's also (Ready for this?) valedictorian, Most Spirited, the leading non-singing male of every play, on the tennis team, taking the most intimidating schedule of classes I could ever imagine, on a statewide high school version of Jeopardy, my family is borderline obsessed with him, and, oh yeah, he's in love with me. It's really all my decision. Leave any thoughts on the matter in the comments. And, um... we'll see? *facepalm*

Sexy: Lying in the grass on a sunny day.

Unsexy: This, although it is HILARIOUS. Turn it off before four minutes, though!! Truly terrifying and disgusting. How does stuff like this exist?!

Weight: 136

Chipotle burritos this year: 13

Subscribers: 15,607

Days left of high school: 20

Bye, guys! See you tomorrow. <3

Hairs on my chest, children in my loins

Things I accomplished today:
--Went to church.
--Hiked for two hours with my mom.
--Bought a 90-cent change purse shaped like Nala from The Lion King.
--Chomped some Chip' with my lovely friend, Lauren.
--Had a nice conversation with my other lovely friend, Lauren (devilishlypure).
--Attended my church small group, where we were each given a dollar with which to do something nice for someone this week. I LOVE that idea. What would you guys do with your dollar?
--Worked.

Things I didn't accomplish today:
--Homework.

In youtubely news, I decided to re-watch every single RoboFillet video, since Rohan said that if I favorited any more of his old amateur vlogs, he would kill me in the style of The Ring. Within this video, I came across a gem of a quote: "This will put hair on your chest, and many children in your loins." And if I were not already in love with the kid (I was), I am now (still). Subscribe and pleasant emotion will overcome your soul.

Sexy: Mathieu Kassovitz. It's possible that I'm actually attracted to Nino, his character in Amelie, who's artistic and quirky and awkward and French, but either way... he's gorgeous.
Unsexy: A lot of things are sexy today! I'm going to have to say "animals," just as a cop-out answer. I promise I'll cop-in a better one tomorrow.

Weight: 138
Chipotle burritos this year: 13
Subscribers: 15, 576
Days left of high school: 21

Bye, guys! See you tomorrow. <3

Thundercats, HO!

Hi! Yesterday's blog was really more of a blurb than it was a blog, and for that I apologize. Blame it on all the fun I was having. Or, if you'd rather, blame it on all the Jello I ate that was really more Vodka than it was Jello.

The party I went to last night was okay. Rather typical, what with all the beer ponging and togaing. I just sort of followed Kelly, smiled a lot, and obliged when strangers wanted to hug me and quote my videos. I went as the font Gothicum, and wore a tiny black dress, masses of black eyeliner, gold heels, and these awesome dangly gold earrings from the seventies that I got at the most adorable vintage shop in all the world, located underground on campus. It's strange that this isn't all dress-up anymore; I'm old enough to be here. Everyone's my age. If I want to wear a ton of eye makeup that looks nothing like me, no one cares, because they don't know me. I'm not the girl who made out with Mike at a party in eighth grade, or the rival of the middle school queen bee, or one of the weird "individual" chicks who sit in the corner and laugh at their in-jokes at mandatory assemblies. I'm interesting and confident and new and me. I like this.

We left at about midnight because it was eighty degrees and we were starting to suffocate in the tiny frat house. We went down to the student center, where they give out free nachos and hotdogs on weekend nights in an attempt to sober people up. This guy came out and announced then that an improv show was about to start inside a coffee house, and my little gothic ears perked all the way up. It was SO, SO FUNNY AND COOL. This group of four girls and five guys stood on the stage, asked for one word from the audience (toenail) and bounced back and forth off each other for half an hour. One sketch was clearly going nowhere, so in the middle of it one of the girls walked across the stage like a dinosaur. "Oh," said the main character of the sketch, nonchalantly, "I see you've met my raptor!" I was dying. The joy that kills. Another sketch went from being about a broken-down car to Narnia, to cannibalism, to the Lollipop Guild. It ended in a fit of giggles when one of the boys pushed his way through with his arm outstretched, declaring "Thundercats!" I erupted with fangirly laughter. "Any reference to Thundercats works on me," I said to Kelly at a conversational volume, forgetting that I was right next to the stage and they could all hear me. The boy performers laughed and pointed at me, and I swear we all fell in love with each other at that moment.

I feel like I could really fit in here! I'm already meeting people that could be my friends and flirting with funny nerd boys. There's a screenwriting major! The food is amazing! I feel so fresh and pretty and fun and adventurous. Remind me to reread this blog entry when I start getting nervous again.

Oh, and before we wrap this up, I must tell you about BagelStreet. It's a little alleyway-turned-deli with brick walls inside covered in sidewalk chalk, posters and customer-made foil sculptures. People are pressed wall-to-wall, fighting their way to the front for one of the greatest sandwiches ever. I had a sundried tomato bagel with veggie cream cheese, cucumbers, tomatoes, sprouts, and provolone cheese. There's a sandwich named after Kimmie Gibbler. They hold an annual pickle-eating contest that I fully intend to win before I graduate. Remember when I said it's sexy to walk around while eating warm food wrapped in foil? Bagelstreet made it unbearably sexier.

Sexy: Weird vintage jewelry, like the gold buckle bracelet I'm wearing that I got from my grandma. Or, for example, the nerdy eighties cartoon t-shirt the cute improv boy had on last night.

Unsexy: Having indiscriminate, intoxicated college sex. One aspect I will never truly comprehend or justify.

Weight: I don't know; I'm not home.

Chipotle burritos this year: 12

Subscribers: 15, 524

Days left of high school: 21

Bye, guys! See you tomorrow. <3