What I'd Do For Cheese

Having passed the halfway mark in my quest to go cheeseless for the month of April, you'd think it would be smooth sailing. You'd think I wouldn't be clutching my stomach with my nontyping hand, flailing back and forth, screaming, "I WANT A PIZZA!" to anyone who'll listen. But dairy is an addiction, my friends, and I am a bona fide junkie. I'm like one of those ladies from Hoarders who can't sleep unless she's surrounded by 4,036 ashtrays. I'm like Mimi Marquez. Guys, I'm like Chocolate Boy. Because I can't think about anything else, the rest of this post will consist of an alphabetical acrostic... of things I would do for dairy products.

A: I would attend AA if they'd give me American cheese.
B: I would box a bear for a bag of bonbons.
C: I would cuddle a crocodile for a chocolate brownie.
D: I would dance for the devil if he'd give me a doughnut.
E: I would eat eggshells if I could then eat everything creamy.
F: I would fight a falcon for a funnel cake.
G: I would go to Guatemala if they had goat cheese on the plane.
H: I would hit Hayley Hoover for a hot chocolate.
I: I would imitate Enrique Iglesias for ice cream.
J: I would jump Jeremy Jackson for any reason, but especially for jack cheese.
K: I would watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians for Hershey's kisses.
L: I would lick Lindsay Lohan for a lot of lasagna.
M: I would make out with Marky Mark for mozzarella sticks.
N: I would nail my nails to night stand for nachos.
O: I would own Oprah in an oboe-playing competition for oatmeal cookies.
P: I WOULD POST THIS PURPOSEFULLY POINTLESS BLOG FOR A PIZZA.
Q: I would quit quilting (I do not quilt) for a quiche.
R: I would race Rachel Ray if she'd make me Rice Krispies treats.
S: I would scream at a scorpion if he'd buy me sour cream.
T: I would take out Tina Turner for Taco Bell.
U: I would expose myself to UV if... U would let me have cheese.
V: I would vow against vacations for a vanilla cake.
W: I would watch only Willy Wonka for a week straight in exchange for whipped cream.
X: I xould do othex stuxf that starx xith x's for xheese.
Y: I would yodel with Yo-Yo Ma for yogurt.
Z: I would zeriously do zo much for cheezez right nowz.

That... took way too long and was definitely not worth it. Anyway, now I have to go bang my head into the wall repeatedly. I hope you all have a lovely day, and I'll see you guys tomorrow!


Chipotle burritos this year: 5.5
Subscribers: 48,690
Nail color: "Plum's the Word," Sally Hansen
Miles run today: 0

P.S. Breakfast was a carton of strawberries, lunch was a big sandwich, dinner was spaghetti.