Family, Jess, Pickled Penis

My uncle and aunt from out of state are here for the night. My aunt's a lovely person who brought me a graduation present when I haven't seen her in years, and my uncle is positively hilarious. We haven't spent much time together, but he's sort of like a mustached replica of my dad, so it all feels familiar, comfortable, and fun. Tad and I just performed a live-action version of an embarrassing story about my mom. My brother-in-law Tyler recounted the classy tale of when he shot a raccoon in his attic. (Yes, really. My goodness. And my sister Cori, his wife, was at one time a vegetarian.) Kelly told an outrageous--yet shockingly true-- story about Rasputin's penis (Don't worry; no pictures!), which is currently kept in a pickled jar in a museum. At that, my dad furrowed his brow, slunk down in his armchair, and made too much eye contact with us kids, which basically means, Seriously? New topic, please. So right now I'm the reclusive freak half-participating in the conversation, typing away and loving my family. 

In other hilarious news, I received this tweet from Jess, who's experimenting with veganism: "Today at work, someone bought a gluten- and dairy-free cookie but thought it was gross. I put it in my trash can, but then I ate it on my break." I read it aloud to my family, who responded with a mixture between laughing and gagging. To Jess, I texted, "YOU ARE MY FAVORITE PERSON." The following conversation came as a result:

Jess: "Not for long! Mom said I could die of a disease from doing that."

Me: "It's fine."

Jess: "Oh no! My throat is swelling shut!"

Me: "No it's not."

Jess: "Yes! It is! I'm turning purple!"

Me: "And texting about it?"

Jess: "Naturally!"

Me: "Go to the hospital, then."

Jess: "No, they'll probably give me gluten or something. But like I'm in spasms on the floor?"

Me: "Are you foaming violently at the mouth?"

Jess: "Yes! Funny you'd mention that!"

Me: "Just shove a bezoar down your throat."

Jess: "Dude, I'm all over that!"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my best friend. And why.

Sexy: The free iPod Touch I received today in the mail for ordering a MacBook! It's gorgeous, but I hardly use my little red nano, so I feel like a total technology glutton for even considering keeping it. Should I put it up on ebay? Scratch my engraved name off my old one and sell it? What do you guys think?

Unsexy: Rasputin's pickled penis. I was kind enough not to link you to any pictures earlier, but... well, I sent you guys to clothes-on foot fetish porn in the past. Tell you what. I'll put a picture here, and clicking to view is COMPLETELY OPTIONAL.

Chipotle burritos this year: 24

S'mores this summer: 3

Subscribers: 18,391

Bye, guys! Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow.

P.S. No, but seriously. Google it if you want to see. Grooooooooss. <3